js

But you’re still that guy who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, nothing will change that. 

No matter how much we talk it out, no matter what I offer to you. 

But I thought maybe I could change things, maybe you don’t know what you want and you’re just scared and I’ll fix that but that is not you, that is me and yeah people take advantage of a girl who doesn’t know what she wants. And maybe you did that when you met me. 

I had a lot of faith in you, I believed everything that you told me and in the back of my mind I knew... it won’t last.. just like every other relationship but you told me this will be different, you told me you were different. \

College started on 29th July. It is pretty scary but I’m trying to survive. I got to know my GPA and its really bad, and I can’t figure out what went wrong, where did I make a huge mistake? or Did I make a lot of small ones?

I don’t know and it’s hard to believe in myself and keep going... 

My self esteem is pretty low and I can’t even face my boyfriend or anybody else. I’m really ashamed of myself, and I keep erasing everything that makes  me = me  

I keep beating myself up for the things I’ve done and the things I didn’t do.

I want to become an artist professionally and I’m studying art theory outside of my course of urban planning and I just wish I don’t fuck up this semester.

Not productive :/

Almost done with fundamentals of arcGIS

Started reading design with nature by Ian Mcharg

Did some reading on history of graphic design

Did 2 watercolor paintings

Did some reading on history of graphic design

Chores

1. "Forgive yourself of the horror of the first rounds." 

2. "Work without hope or despair. Make a timetable and stick to it." 

3. "you work like this for days, months and maybe decades...and eventually one day, your talent will catch up with your taste."

I've been forcing myself to work, to be 'productive'. I hate everything about working. I have to force myself so much to sit and read something that I don't believe in at all, so I always end up drowning myself in TV shows, or sleep to escape instantly and to not have to think about work.

It isn't supposed to be like this. I have to be able to produce something worth my time or else it's a much bigger waste of my time To do good, authentic work, I have to believe in it. I have to learn to love it.

what i label as 'productive' shouldn't feel like meaningless labour

I'm not a machine, am I?

Remember when you were little and you never slept a minute longer than required because waking up before everyone else was too exciting for you

you didn't have to escape, did you?