jfc

You didn’t just break my heart, you weren’t real with me. You couldn’t just tell me you didn’t love me, you lied and said you did. I asked you several times if you felt the same about me and you said you did. I’ve been giving you my all and you couldn’t even give me honesty. You didn’t know how to tell me, but somehow it was better to let me worry about why you were acting different and why you started treating me like shit. I don’t understand. But I hope you’re happy now without me and I hope you feel better now that you got it off your chest that you don’t love me and I hope you find someone that can make you happy because I couldn’t.

If I could tell you one thing, one thing to make you understand life just a little bit better, it would be that everyone leaves. Everyone. People are temporary and people say pain is only temporary but pain is not temporary because people leave. They leave you with nothing. You have no one and nothing but yourself. Yourself, who doesn’t know left from right or up from down. You have to learn to live with yourself. And life isn’t fair. It never has been, it never will be. Because people make life unfair. People are only people. After all, you are a person yourself. But sometimes, yourself leaves you too. And you have to figure out who you are because you don’t know what’s happening anymore. People leave. People change. People. Are. Only. Temporary.

“I just can’t wait to forget how much it hurts,” she said. My little sister, 17 and naive and so in love, had woken me up at 2am, crying because her boyfriend had broken up with her. “I never want to remember what I’m feeling right now.” I pet her hair back as her head laid in my lap. “But you will remember it,” I told her. “You always will. Even ten years from now, when three other boys have come and gone since him, you will remember it. Because this is the only time you will have believed every word he said. This is the only time your whole heart will get involved. This is the only time you will be blindsided.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You’ll remember this pain for the rest of your life. But pain is natural. It’s how we protect ourselves.”

“Do you hate me?” he asks. I look up at his face. It’s a face I have loved, a face I still love. A face that looks anguished by the hurt he has caused. I believe it, believe that he is sorry. I shake my head. “I could never hate you,” I exhale. He searches my face, hearing the ‘but’ I didn’t say. “I just wish,” I whisper, “more than anything, that it hadn’t been you who broke my heart. I never thought it would be you - I never thought you could do anything wrong. I wish more than anything it hadn’t happened, that we didn’t end like this.”

I understand if you hate me,” he says quietly. I look up at him and see it in his eyes, see that he really does feel some regret. I fight back the urge to hug him and tell him that it’s okay. “I don’t hate you,” I reply. I could never hate you. I love you, still. I don’t want to, but I do. He blows out a breath. “Well, that’s a relief. I was hoping we could still be friends.” I know that that won’t work, know that he’ll still be hurting me, even if he’s not aware of it. Those words set my temper on fire, but I somehow turn it to ice. It numbs my heart momentarily, and I know I am about to break it myself. I meet his eyes, my glare cold enough to freeze him. “I said I didn’t hate you,” I say slowly, carefully. “I never said that I’m not mad at you. Because I might not hate you, but every time I look at you my heart breaks all over again, and that infuriates me.” “So we are not friends. We are nothing but two embers of an old flame.”

losing you didn’t just mean i lost a significant other losing you meant i lost my best friend