I wanna live not just survive

Increase in appetite. Before starting T I had problems with my stomach where I literally could not eat with out feeling sick but these past couple days that completely went away and now I just wanna eat everything. Like picture that scene in 17 again where Zac Efron is eating all that food bc that is literally me this week.

Increase in energy. This one could have to do with excitement but I have seen other guys mention this as well during their first week so I'm not gonna just not mention it at all. I used to be the most lazy person in existence and although I'm still a lazy teenager I just feel like it's a lot easier for me to get out of bed in the mornings and I don't get tired as quickly. My family has noticed this as well.

I have little blond hairs above my upper lip and on my chin already. I had no hairs on my face prior to starting T so yeah this is def a change that made me very excited even though they aren't noticeable yet.

Slight confidence boost that has to do with me feeling like I pass better and being able to say "Yes I have testosterone in my body" I don't define being a man as having testosterone but that little fact has helped me be more confident in myself. 

There is growth going on down below, nothing noticeable really but I can tell growth is going on because it's more sensitive and such. 

More oily skin and starting to break out a bit more, as expected.

I'm not gonna lie and say life has been great during the time I spent away from this account, because it had its ups and downs. I lost my patience for a little while, I had situations with my school and fellow students that led to anxiety attacks, but I gained my patience back and I solved those problems with my school to the best of my ability. 

A main problem I've been having lately has to do with my legal name not being the name I've gone by these past few years. From substitutes who have no idea to seating charts that weren't corrected, there has been some close cases that almost led to me being outed a time or two, which as you can guess is incredibly stressful. 

But my legal name and my birth name won't be the same for much longer. My parents and I have plans to sit down over easter break to start gathering everything we need for my legal name change and then we're going to get in contact with a lawyer and schedule my court date. It's kind of crazy to think that this name that has been following me around and causing me so much pain won't even exist for much longer.

This summer is going to be a busy one for me, what with my name change taking place as well as me finally turning sixteen (the age that was agreed upon since I was thirteen that I would start Testosterone). 

If I could give advice to other trans people out there who are currently going through a stage where getting hormones seems like the most important thing in the world, it would be this: You'll regret the time you spent locked up in your bedroom counting down the days until you could get on the correct hormones. You will someday look back on the period of time you spent doing that and be embarrassed that you treated yourself that way. You are no less a man or woman or anything in between just because you don't have the correct hormones yet. You'll have them someday, hopefully soon, but don't spend too much time worrying about the 'when'. You can still be happy before you take that step. Stop telling yourself 'I'll start living once I get my hormones' Because, yes, you may live then, but why waste the right now? You won't be young forever, you gotta live your life to the best of it.

1. What is your biggest fear?

I had to answer this question for school and my answer was 'I don't really have a fear but snakes used to creep me out when I was younger' so that's the answer you're getting.

2. Wizard or Jedi?

Wizard. Come on, dude. You know I pray every night that I'll get my Hogwarts letter.

3. What is the last book you read and finished?

It's pretty bad that I can't remember what the last book I read was. Does fanfiction count? If so it was a sterek fic.

4. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

I used to have to fill out this form thing every year about what I wanted to be and apparently in kindergarten I wanted to be a horse. I don't even know, man. 8-10 I wanted to be an astronaut.

5. Song that describes something you’re going through right now?

I just want to sell out my funeral by The Wonder Years

"I'll blame the way that I was brought up or the flaws that I was born with or the mistakes that I've made; they're all just fucking excuses."

6. If you could meet anyone, who would it be?

I would meet the person who tagged me in this, Kara, because she is my best friend ever. Also Cody, but I apparently don't get to pick two people do I. I'll meet Kara then we'll run away and kidnap Cody, sound like a plan?

7. Favorite movie?

The Star Trek movies (newer ones are my fav) because of this

8. Know another language?

I'm in Spanish 2 but I still have no fucking clue how to speak Spanish so I'm just gonna say no.

9. The best class you have ever taken?

I don't know, honestly. I don't think I have taken one that I would call the best class ever. So I'm just gonna say lunch because food.

10. Describe your best friend. 

I have a best friend named Carebear and she is the most amazing person ever, which sounds incredibly cheesy, but it's true. She makes me laugh, smile, and feel better when I'm down. She gives the best advice and is one of the kindest and accepting people I've ever met. I'm very protective of her so if anyone would ever hurt her I would punch them in the face. Seriously, Kara is the best. I'm gonna go on a bunch of awesome adventures with her and have so many arguments about stupid things with her that leads to us singing dramatic songs to each other like the ones in High School Musical. I just can't wait until we do all of the things that we made plans to do. Also, I might be meeting her with in the next year, and if I do I'm gonna hug her so tightly then make her take me to Hogwarts at universal because we are both wizards.

11. How do you feel right at this very moment?