JEUX DE FILLE

Rob Ryan : This is for you (Book) Isn’t this what we are always told? Isn't this what we are looking for? What sparks that like “on fire” feeling in our hearts when we hear it, or think we have finally gotten to this moment. That feeling we get when we have found our other half; that we are complete, that the answer to every doubt in our existence is completely validated now because DUHHHHHHH we hadn't met a guy yet to complete us... i’ve believed this my whole life, and i think i still do.

 Well, my heart does for sure. Its all ready, for the perfect other half heart shaped puzzle piece to come along and just tesselate perfectly! To make be be like “OOHHHHHH this is why I've been so unhappy because just me clearly hasn't been enough! and I'm so okay with that cause now i have half of some guy to make me feel whole...”

something about this is so not okay... 

and no I'm so completely not some ultra feminist. Ive just had that heartbreak that has made me into a realist? a perspectivist? and any other ‘IST’ that doubts the idea of having your happiness depend on a guy, or at least dropping everything to find, get, impress, cater for, keep ‘the guy’. 

You know ‘the one’... the one you thought of just then! That you either have and are smiling about like an idiot cause “OMG you have him and life is so great and seriously you're so lucky and blah blah blah” I was there once and i was cynical of people like me... I don't mean that guys cannot make you 20 times happier when you have found one and he loves you because the guy i was with did. But I'm merely pointing out that while they have the power to make you nervous and exited and weak at the knees, they also have the power to make you turn a blind eye, neglect yourself and start believing 1 everything they say, and 2 everything they want was your choice, because as women i find we can generally be the unselfish type in a relationship.

or maybe it is just me?

Now I'm that other chick, the type who is thinking of that 4/5/7/1 year ago ex who you are SO over yet he’s still in your mind making your stomach drop in nausea at the subconscious thought of him or his face but don’t quite get why? not to be confused with the ‘omg single to mingle girl’ but rather the ‘single to sit on netflix and tumblr and well... my laptop girl and type this first attempt at a blog that really is to myself but also to the 30000000000 girls I'm imagining, just like me thinking “OMG  YUSS YOURE SO RIGHT OMG SO TRUE” or at least laughing, i hope you are laughing or smiling, crying (happy or sad)  especially those going through any kind of shit time atm be it specific to a relationship heartbreak situation or whatever reading this links to in your life  and just like I did when I read every book I've read in the last year about well. boys, love, relationships, “singleness” etcetera this is for you! I hope you feel inspired, or excited i hope you love YOU. and i hope you love what I'm writing? Otherwise I’m cool with just me re reading this and calling myself a loser in a good year.

Story on post number one of idk ho many to come? i could just quite after a day haha but anyway its basically 1am, I just finished watching a terribly rated Reese Witherspoon movie, which I believe deserved 5 stars, and am super awake after spending 3 days ‘resting’ from a flu. Newly recovered from a 3 year emotionally torturous relationship, that was followed by a 1 week grieving period for him and  5 years of wasted time for me;

which compiled of 3 years of yes i’ll admit lots of lessons, yes real love, yes happiness and firsts and feelings: good, bad and ugly, but on the droughted lawn side of this duplex heartbreak, betrayal, lying, lies to me from him.. and from me to myself, losing of my values, of myself, of my ability to be me alone, to realise i had happiness the 17 years before I met him.

and then 2 and a little bit (slash continuing) years of getting over him, after the unexplained but oh so typical ‘Im not ready for a relationship’ breakup, but “can you wait for me when i am? as in i don't want you to move on but i don't wanna be with you” “ill always love you, i don't want to break up but you deserve better” basically a regurgitation of whatever his ‘boys’ whom he followed like a sheep and worshipped like a religious figure head told him. and the confusion of then catching up with him a week, month, 2 months later, still texting and then meeting the girl he hooked up with 5 days after he ended your 3 year relationship, therefore making you question well your entire relationship. or at least his integrity and your visionary skills, like seriously was i blind? (YUP BASICALLY). but he was the one still trying to stay in touch? you know the mental terrorist act... 

the hunger strike excluding ice-cream and doritos, the notorious week in week out clubbing because i was SO ready to have some real fun, the social media “I'm so over this before you are” competition, the struggle to let go and then there’s the travel, the ‘i have to get away’ trip but then came the good. A life coach who taught me everything i need to mend any future breaks in the old ticker, 6 months of travel, new friend,s perspective and no time wasted on an insignificant other, (apart from the confusing text as i boarded the plane to have a good trip, and like of an anniversary photo from 2 years prior while i landed in portland maine USA) and then

the finding myself section... which was actually after the 6 month ‘fail at finding myself’ and the cloudy period of yes i think I'm ready for someone new, who would date me and not sure if over him or if i won't be until I'm into someone else... as you read I've been through full circle... you either kept reading cause you are interested or have been through the exact same situation, or you stopped because this is a semi pathetic boring account of some annoying girl who was broken up with and is complaining.... and you're like “omg get over it” ... either way I'm still gonna keep typing so either pop some triple butter flavour explosion or go reblog a picture of avo on toast and a coconut and go on with your life.