Numb to the Sensation

There was a weakness in Jeremy that Allison couldn’t bring herself to hate. Beneath all his layers of mundane angst, there was a real person suffering from the plague of the living. Death was the only surefire thing for people like them; those unaffected by the disease that came with being supernatural. Idealistically, death was a gift. A way to cap a beautiful life to only be greeted by the gates of the beyond. Yet, premature death came with an endless bout of grief for those left in their wake. Jeremy knew what loss felt like and she couldn’t hate him for understanding how shitty it felt to be on the receiving end. “Good because even if you did, I wouldn’t have cared. You need someone and I happen to be someone.” Even with nothing left to give, she wouldn’t leave him in the dust. Humans needed each other in this world. 

“I guess you have but grief doesn’t care about distance or time. It’s not some quantified marathon of misery. Small bursts is enough for the universe to choke on it.” She scoffed. “Faking it makes other’s less uncomfortable. Isn’t that what we’re trying to do? Make everyone around us feel better because they can’t fix us–nor do they can to do so.”

“Because misery loves company, Jeremy. I am content with that because it means I won’t be alone.” 

Jeremy nodded solemnly. He didn’t know what Allison being here really meant, but he was still glad that she was. There was a pain in Allison’s eyes, a darkness that had always intrigued him. Though once upon a time he might’ve played games with that darkness, he now found a simple comfort in it. He wasn’t sure if he could find the kind of darkness he would need to protect Elena yet. But at least there was someone beside him who he could relate to. Well, at least somewhat anyway. 

His mind started to whir along a bit faster than he liked but he wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity. “Want to go find somewhere a little quieter?” He hoped she’d agree. 

“You’re right. Feel like a dick now for trying to compare that pain. Guess practice doesn’t make perfect in this case anyway.” A humorless laugh slipped out as she offered him the entire point of this day. “Just another reason why I don’t believe in faking it. That’s their problem not mine. I know I’m a real ass hole but I don’t really care. Not sure if you’ve noticed.” He offered a small joke to bring the conversation towards a place of a bit more normalcy. 

Her next words silenced him though. Jeremy had to admit he’d never thought about loss like this and it was refreshing to hear her perspective. “I take back what I said. You are better at this than me.” Jeremy sighed. “But, if it’s worth anything--and I can’t promise anything either but--you won’t have to be alone if I’m around.” 

She was right, it wasn’t someone she knew. The voice was unfamiliar. Young. The question was curious. Not what she’d expected. “Not as often as I did,” Evelyn said truthfully, eyes raising to catch the young man’s. “And not as much as I should.”  Why was it so easy to be truthful with strangers and so easy to lie to herself?  

“Are you interested in art?” The question was out before she’d thought it through. He probably had much better things to do than talk to her. Then again, he’d engaged her first. Maybe he was in need of the company as much as she was. Loneliness was a curious thing like that. 

And suddenly, Jeremy had entered a conversation about art of all things, and even more specifically, sketching itself. He knew that there was some fear that held him back from picking up his pencil for the last million months that he could remember, but he was only now having to actually deal with it. “Me--me too.” Jeremy gulped. He couldn’t have really said it better himself though.

“I--I used to be. I haven’t really wanted to sketch in a long time. Not exactly sure why but..” Jeremy scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “Anyway you probably don’t want to hear a stranger ramble so--so I’ll just leave you be.” 

Lydia was rarely overcome by a lack of things to say, and yet she found that right now, in front of Jeremy Gilbert of all people, she didn’t have a clue what to say. For all that she was rapidly becoming acquainted with death, as a human reality and as a concept, she had precious little experience with providing comfort for the people left behind. 

“Right, um. Well. I just wanted to tell you that she was… she was really one of my favorite teachers. And she talked about you and your sister all the time in class. She really loved you.” It probably was the wrong thing to say, the wrong place to say it, but it was all Lydia had to offer him really. Besides, it was a memorial service. Memories were the titular point. 

Jeremy looked down at the ground as she spoke, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t really want to hear how great she was but Lydia apparently felt like she should say it to Jeremy. “Well you should tell her that, not me.” He nodded off toward the location of her grave stone. Was Jeremy not supposed to know how much she’d loved them? How much she’d constantly sacrificed for them? How much he had made her last bits of life a living hell? It was a hot serving of guilt from Lydia Martin.

Stiles had stayed in the background of the funeral, as he didn’t want to impose. One of the reasons why he had gone to the funeral, had been because his Dad had to work seeing as they still hadn’t found out who had murdered Jenna Sommers; Jeremy and Elena Gilbert’s aunt. The young male swallowed thickly and crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned against the frame of the tree, his brown eyes staring at the people who stood around the grave, hugging each other and crying into each other’s shoulders as they clearly couldn’t believe what had happened. Stiles sighed and shook his head when his eyes went over to where Jeremy stood, whom he had spoken to once or twice before.

Hell, Jeremy had even helped him out once downtown when he had needed to get into the police evidence room. When people started to leave, after the funeral ended, Stiles cleared his throat and decided to head over to where Jeremy stood. His hands were pushed into the pockets of his pants as he approached him. “Hey, are you alright, man?” Stiles questioned and swallowed against the on-growing lump in his throat. Turning his head around quickly, he looked at the grave stone and saw Jenna’s name written across the stone. Honestly, I just wish everyone would stop asking me that. A tiny, half-hearted laugh fell from his lips and he nodded his head as he swayed back and forth on his tip-toes. “Yeah, of course. I mean… I –– I should have known. It was the thing that I hated the most to hear after my mom died. That, and how sorry people were for the loss. Especially people who don’t get it.” 

Stiles. He liked the kid too. Jeremy didn’t want to be sassy with him like most people at this funeral, but Stiles had pushed his button a little too hard with that question too. Stiles was sort of a squirrelly one but he’d really helped Jeremy back when he’d been looking into archaic weapons. He wondered if Stiles was anything special. And if not, he’d sort of like to be his friend. But he wasn’t really sure how to go about well, any of that. Making friends wasn’t something he’d done in a long time. 

“Yeah. I should be used to it by now. But I have a strict policy against that.” He answered, dropping his frustration. “My life is pretty fucked up though and only getting more so by the second so I guess it might be beneficial if I did.” He added with a humorless laugh.

Gia barked a laugh.

“If playing the violin became against any rule I might have to lead a revolt,” she said.

Which was, to be honest, nothing short of the truth. There were things she was willing to give up for this life. Her violin was not one of them. Her music. Those first few weeks, thinking it was gone for good, had been the worst. Until Elijah had helped her get it back. She’d never go back to that.

But that… was not the problem at hand. Dark eyes moved over the kid, trying to get a feel for what he was. Who he was. That was the way of things these days. Constantly wondering who or what someone was.

Jeremy nodded softly at her. It was nice to see that someone still lived a normal life, having a normal passion. He glanced down before looking back up at her, squinting at the sun behind her. 

“Do you play for a living?” He questioned. It made him think of how drawing had once been his passion, his quiet place. Art had a way about it that could be so freeing. Jeremy missed it but he was afraid of it too. 

Bonnie looked back at Elena with a final nod as she left the other so she could go back to greeting the guests. Slow steps moved her closer to the other Gilbert until she stopped just in front of him. “Good thing I know better than to ask how you’re doing.” Bonnie said with the briefest of smiles crossing her lips. She didn’t quite know what she could do or say to make any of it any better for them. Bonnie was hoping that presence alone would do some good or at least, do no harm. “I already made Elena take a break from everyone. Lucky for you, it’s your turn to take a walk with me.” The witch urged, wrapping a slow hand around the other’s arm. 

“Elena and John will cover until we get back.”

When Jeremy heard Bonnie’s voice, he knew that his facade was not long for this world. His soul seemed to have an interest in speaking with her, more so than anyone else. He didn’t like seeing her so sad. It wasn’t right for such a beautiful face to have a frown like that upon it. But frowns were all that he had to look forward to these days so he may as well get used to it. “You know better than most.” He sighed, leaning back against the wall as his hands went into his pants pockets. But that too was short lived. He blinked lightly. “Thanks for being there for her.” He began as she pulled him from the wall. Jeremy could feel weight literally lifting off his shoulders with her around. She managed to be such an unyielding support system for him and Elena. It was incredible how she managed. 

“They’ll probably be better off without me.” He muttered. Jeremy liked having her arm through his. He reached his opposite hand around as he looked down at her. “Thanks for this Bonnie.”

Well he’s not. Allison bit back the venom that rolled along her tongue. Jeremy shouldn’t have to mince his words considering the grief that barreled down on his chest. Sure, it didn’t excuse his tactless comment. Her father would have been here to send the woman off with good tidings but he wasn’t. He couldn’t be because he may very well be in the same damn ditch as Jenna. It wasn’t lost on her that they could very well be standing on the opposites of this precession. “Yeah sorry but you’re stuck with me.”

Her hands hung limp at her sides as she fought the pick at the already battered skin of her cuticles. Twas a nasty habit but it kept her from wrapping her sloppily manicured fingers around his neck. “Faking it comes easier with time. You’ll learn how to believe the lies,” she offered with a shrug.

“Nope and I’m perfectly content with that.” Because no one’s going to be okay when I’m finished with them. 

Jeremy swallowed at the harshness of her words. Maybe he shouldn’t have said what he did. In his head, he was better at being there for people experiencing loss since he knew exactly what he hated to hear when he was going through it himself. “I’m not sorry.” Jeremy muttered out quietly. He shrugged softly, glumly, dryly, in a disgusted sort of way at the world. I’m not sorry because you make me feel a little less alone. But he couldn’t say those words because he knew that him feeling less lonely hinged upon her father being missing. His insensitivity shouldn’t continue in the way that it had. “I don’t mind having you here.” He pushed out with a breath.

Jeremy shook his head, watching her pick at her nails. “Think I’ve been at this a little longer than you. Don’t know if I believe in faking it.” He answered back. It was nice to be able to talk to someone honestly about all this that wasn’t his sister. 

He nodded at her, feeling the same way. Though he was so rarely on this side of the conversation and he definitely found himself wishing things could be different for Allison. “What makes you so content?” 

It’s only a bit longer. The phrase has become somewhat of a mantra to Elena, constantly repeated silently to herself along with an influx of guilt at wanting to rush the day forward. As if fast forwarding through all of this, through the services and the mumblings of listening to people give them their condolences, will somehow dishonor their Aunt’s memory.  But Elena can’t help it, she doesn’t want to cater to anyone else, and she isn’t quite sure how many polite conversations she can get through before she starts to crack.

She’d rather be at home, with Jeremy, and John, telling stories and just…laughing. There might be some tears, but they would be a different kind. A more welcomed kind, at the very least.

No words came to mind, but Elena tried to think of something else, anything else, that she could say that could bring her brother some kind of peace. Jeremy didn’t give her much of a chance, and he surprised her once again, as he willingly pulled her into a hug. The brunette didn’t hesitate as her arms wrapped more securely around her brother, her head resting on his chest with a brief thought of when did he get so tall? “You are, Jer.” She could see it more and more each day.

Elena just hadn’t wanted this, any of this, to be his life.

“We’re stronger together.” No matter how much she wanted him to get away from all of this, to maybe start looking into colleges far away from this city, Jeremy and John were starting to make her believe that they were right. “Me too. We can go back to the house after…?”

When he’d gotten dressed this morning, pulling out his ‘funeral suit’, Jeremy could smell Mystic Falls in the threads of the fabric. It was enough to make him sick. He’d shed a few tears as he got dressed, trying to wrap his mind around this loss. It’d become hard to access at this point though, loss, the super natural world that was barreling towards him with no remorse in sight, there was nothing to be happy about, nothing to smile about. 

There was a time when all he had to deal with was the loss of his parents. It was a time he’d wasted. As he contemplated all of this, Elena in his arms. All at once he began to understand why Elena had chosen to keep in the dark. Quickly followed by that, a sinking guilt came, knowing that he’d only made her life all that much harder. He could not fathom how she kept it together so well. “Elena I’m so sorry.” He muttered softly into her hair, voice cracking all the way through. Jeremy wanted to be away from here, alone with her. It was the only thing that made sense. When nothing made sense, they did. At least now.

He shook his head immediately with the words, gripping her tighter as his head nestled into her shoulder. A few tears followed the movement. Damn did it feel good to let out a bit of his sadness. But as the cracks in the dam that kept him together began to leak, he wondered if there was any going back. His throat closed up as pain began to consume him. God he just wanted to be alone. “Elena, please help, I don’t know how to get through this.” He admitted sheepishly, no longer trying to be the strong brother that he never even was. “I want to be strong for you, for Jenna, for all these people but I can’t--I can’t do it.” 

She was completely infuriating. Elena and Jenna may not have seen the vicious little freak that Ms. Blake was beneath that cherry red smile of hers, but Jeremy had witnessed it that day in Rousseau’s and it was all he needed. Ms. Blake may have been there that day when those freaks were picking on kids on the school grounds after the murder, but that didn’t change the fact that she had another side to her. “You think it’s that simple do you? It’s pretty interesting how you think you know exactly how everyone and everything in my family works. What’s it like having that big of an ego?” He just couldn’t help himself. She was poking the wrong bear today.

Great. Well, this should be interesting. Jeremy was fine to play into her hand. He wondered where it would lead in the end. The way she grinned at his pretend anguish over being the ‘overshadowed sibling’, it was too good. Those true colors shining brightly through. “You just–don’t.” He cut back grumpily. “Alright, well I’m done with this. I don’t need this right now.” 

The boy’s lack of brain and complete underestimation of her was quite amusing. He saw her as false, yes, but had no idea of just what she was capable of. If she felt the need she’d end Jenna and Elena herself and leave him picking up the pieces. Of course, she had her eye on other specific targets at the moment. Perhaps once her ambitions had been fulfilled she could go back and teach him a lesson. “Oh but it is. Because I’ve spoken with them both, they’ve confided in me.” Jenna more-so than Elena but enough to know the two women’s fears and concerns. “It’s only an ego when what backs it up is unfounded. I know exactly what I’m talking about.” she added, false kindness like honey on her words.

“Of course you don’t, you have other grand ambitions to fulfil I’m sure.” she nodded, double checking her files and brushing her hair back, “Well I won’t keep you, do give my best to Jenna and Elena when you see them. We’ll have to organise a girls night.” she added sweetly, if only because she knew she easily could. “Do look after yourself Jeremy. New Orleans is a big city, you never know what dangers could be lurking.” She followed that up with a chuckle before getting into her car and driving off, still grinning at the thought of irritating the boy.

Lydia pursed her lips, feeling unaccountably awkward. She’d offered her condolences, and asked how he was holding up, because it was a memorial service and that’s what you did. She wasn’t attending the service of her drug dealer’s aunt because she was actually concerned about his welfare. It was just good publicity, good politics, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t, like, sorry. Her own brush with dead had made it all too real, and she’d known Miss Sommers from school. It was sad. 

Still, he didn’t have to be a dick. She bit her tongue though, because he was probably grieving, and that was probably hard for him. “Right. Sorry, just a reflex I guess.” She didn’t know what else to say. He was her drug dealer, not her friend. Sorry about your aunt, got any good deals on vicodin? didn’t seem like a good idea. 

Jeremy sighed when he saw who it was. He was surprised that she’d approached him at all but suspected it had more to do with appearances than anything else. Jeremy didn’t mind Lydia too much although she did remind him all too well of walking around school. He didn’t know her beyond anything that was the queen bee of Saint Aloysius. 

Bonnie couldn’t help the smile that appeared when he’d said he’d come to see her. The blush on her cheeks followed suit, but the witch tried to play if off the best she could. “Glad I merit coming to see.” The witch murmured back before laughing softly. “Good thing we aren’t alone then, huh?” It was easier to be around Jeremy than she’d imagined, but the idea that he was Elena’s little brother was never too far from her mind either. She walked below his arm, out into the chill of the night before nodding as he spoke. “I haven’t been much better. I barely go anywhere these days aside from work, school, and home.”

He caught the blush on her cheeks, feeling a warm feeling flood his own self. It was nice to know that he had an affect over someone at all, let alone that affect on Bonnie Bennett. “You kidding? You merit a whole lot more than that..” Jeremy bit down on his bottom lip gently. “Yeah definitely. I know I’m safe with you being Elena’s kid brother and all.” Jeremy joked gently. He wished she’d see him as more but Jeremy was used to this kind of treatment. At least with Bonnie, it didn’t always feel that way. It was that same reason he felt comfortable joking about it that way. He just felt like he could be himself. She was one of the few. If there were any others besides her, he couldn’t think of them now. 

He nodded at her answer, “Why so busy?” Jeremy quickly wondered. As much as he himself wanted to unload in one of the few places he truly could. He couldn’t help all the curiosity that came with knowing how Bonnie truly was. 

Everything about this burned at her fragile resolve. A room filled with mourning people who did nothing to stop the tragedy. Why should they be sad when they were all a part of the problem? Allison brushed out the wrinkles of her dress trying to pin point the fleeting silhouette of her mother. She insisted they show “unity” with the failing community with a feigned show of concern. All that festered within her was bitterness. The Gilberts had been shown no mercy but  they’ll have peace.

At least you got a body.. 

Allison’s mind couldn’t toe the line that divide her hope and the inevitable truth. Every day her father stands missing was another he’d returned to them dismembered or in the lining of a plastic bag with a toe tag. “It’s a good thing I didn’t ask. I wasn’t going to because anyone with eyes can see you’re not okay. You never will be.” 

Allison Argent. Jeremy had heard rumblings about her missing dad. He remembered the one and only time they’d talked. He was pretty sure that Allison’s dad would be heavily affected by Jenna’s death too. “He should be here.” Jeremy blurted. 

A part of him had to smile, even if it was the gentlest of smiles, the only level of smile he’d allow to move up his cheeks. But he couldn’t help himself. Her candid words were just the ones that he enjoyed hearing because it was true.

Loss ran deep and her wound was fresh. At least Jeremy had been through this once before. A sickening thought. “Yeah I’m not as good at faking it, like Elena. I’m not very good at faking much of anything I guess.” He just wished he could prove himself to John and Elena, but that would require an acting class or two in the first place. He knew it just as well. But it wouldn’t stop him from trying. 

“I take it you’ll never be okay either.” 

Gia looked up, frowning, shaking her head. Okay, so she was probably not being the best… soldier… whatever Marcel thought they were… possible. She should probably be paying more attention since this kid looked about as human as they came.

“I… thought you were someone else,” she said, hoping that covered it a bit. “Sorry.”

She danced her fingers nervously over the strings of her violin, the other hand holding them tight to the wood so they didn’t make noise. She hated this. Doing this. Being this. But taking rotations in general was the only way to get a rotation at the Mikaelson estate.

“Well clearly.” He spoke back at the stranger with the violin. But she seemed to be hiding something as it were, thinking on her feet in a way that she shouldn’t have had to. Jeremy didn’t like to come upon anyone suspicious.

“I don’t know of any rules against playing the violin so you’re probably fine.” Jeremy shrugged. 

He was the only person in the room that Elena had been determined to keep her eyes on, but this time Jeremy was the one surprising her, popping up behind her when she was least expecting it. “Jeremy, what-” Elena’s mind began to race, wondering if someone had come up to him, if someone had said something, or if he needed anything…But the words died on her tongue at the look on his face, and everything else faded away to the background.

“Hey,” her voice dropped in volume, meant only for him as she grabbed his arms gently.  “We’re not supposed to be good at this.” He should have been out with friends, he should have been worrying about a million other things, instead of being stuck inside at another family member’s funeral. Elena swallows the urge to apologize to him again, there’s too many eyes flickering their way now that the siblings are standing together, and instead Elena steps closer as if to create a physical barrier. “How about we stick together for a little bit?”

He didn’t want to be around all of these people. He didn’t want to deal with all the horror that surrounded his life with the two people in his family being the doppelgängers that they were, whatever that really meant. He just want to hide with his sister in the treehouse they’d had when they were young, their biggest problem being the mess they’d made together when they’d tried to bake their mom cookies for Mother’s Day but royally failed. But of course, it wasn’t an option. 

Jeremy reached out to steady her mind, gripping her shoulder. “It’s just me.” He spoke softly to her, knowing that she’d been putting on quite the brave face for everyone else. Jeremy wanted her to know and feel that she didn’t have to with him, even though it had never seemed to really work out that way. 

Jeremy’s arms pulled her closer into his chest. Let them stare and coo at the two of them. At least then, they’d leave the both of them alone a bit. “You are though. You’ve always been strong. I wish I--” He paused, wishing he wasn’t saying the words he was as he gulped. “I wish I was strong like you.” He knew that so much of his immaturity played into keeping him out of the loop. But he knew it was because she wanted to protect him too. Jeremy just couldn’t fathom the fact that she was dealing with it all alone. That was the real reason why it made him so angry that she kept him at bay. He wished he could properly express that to her. “I think that’s a great idea.” He whispered.