Jenni The Siren 💜

I would feel different if I woke up one day and didn’t look like me.

It’s just that it’s been the main focal point of my whole existence.

When I was young my nose looked funny. Men took advantage of me because I looked older than I was and I was thick for my age.

When I was younger I wanted to be accepted and loved so bad that I ended up hurting myself a lot in the process.

Sometimes I still do.

Now that I try to find love in the right ways most men only see what they desire. And that’s what I’m use to.

I never understood what love really was I struggled with it as a child. I always thought I wasn’t enough to be loved because of how I was treated. No one took the time to help me learn healthy love or learn the way I wanted to be loved so I struggled looking for love in all the wrong places. Holidays were the best everyone was nice to me and wanted to be around me I felt loved. There were times when I was yelled and cursed at very young. I was desperately looking for love even at the age of five six and seven so it was easy for me to be tricked and confused and abused. Sometimes it still is.

When I was 14 I was so desperate to be accepted and loved. I started to have consensual sex with boys who told me they loved me.

I tried hard to get pregnant so I could finally have my own baby. From a teenager to an adult all of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage or abortion.

I never fully felt like I was ever loved.

I forced myself to accept people and the way they treated me even if it was horribly as a young adult and teen.

Eventually I went to therapy but I was already mad at myself for not being enough of love and I’d still do anything for love.

I remember thinking that I was good at it because I took the time to perfect what people wanted. Made my self smaller so people could love me. Tried really hard but I was over giving myself my all to people who wouldn’t give me any of themselves at all.

On June first I ovulated for the first time in three months. Me and my best friend who was planning to be my surrogate was beyond happy. I had just met her daughter and we had seen each other for the first time since the pandemic. The time apart was extremely hard for us.

I decided to take control of my body and my future and have my first iui appointment and I couldn’t be happier. Before I made my appointment I called my donor to try things the natural way just once more. He was totally awesome and everything worked perfectly.

Saturday I got raped by a guy who was supposed to be my friend.

I got raped again. I had warning signs but I couldn’t see it coming. I was so angry with myself. I wish I would have listened to my intuition. I wish I could have stopped him from drinking so much. I wish I knew he was a creep when all along I thought he didn’t want me. He even looked different.

Ever since I’ve been praying that my joy isn’t stolen by my panic attacks. I’m trying so hard to hold on but I hate the fact that I let a man win over my own control with my body. I hate that I now hate to see my beauty or see myself in an attractive way. I hate that I never want to have sex again. Ever. I never want to date a man I just want to be left alone. I use to love my body and I’m fighting with the old feeling to make myself small because large didn’t work. I wish i loved my sexuality and my body again. I wish he never told me that “someone who looks like that wants sex” I told him about my abuse I told him about my Parenting goals and how I’m not ready to date and I wish he was sober enough to leave me alone.