I’ve struggled with social anxiety since I was a kid. When I was 15 I was doing this outpatient therapy program (before eventually being admitted) and I remember one of my therapists, as part of my CBT program, had me walk up to every table during lunch hour to introduce myself and ask people questions. I remember looking outside the floor to ceiling windows and it was sunny and there was grass and sidewalks with patients going for walks and I imagined myself sprinting out of those doors and heading straight for the parking lot. Somehow instead my body moved towards each table of kids, all in there too for similar reasons. I don’t remember what I said but I remember being hyper aware of the words coming out of my mouth and how they sounded and that I was being looked at and that my palms were sweating and I couldn’t feel my feet on the ground. I remember a girl smiling at me and asking if I wanted to sit and eat lunch with them, and then I did.
The anxiety has gotten better as I’ve gotten older. I have to give myself credit for doing all of that work in therapy, from debilitatingly-nervous 15 year old me up until 28 year old me, now. Of course I stopped a handful of times - healing isn’t a straight line - mine looks like zig zags and loops and almost falling off the page entirely, but then coming back again, a little more straight each time, slightly more balanced.
Today feels like a zig zag day, which is okay, I know I’ll get back in line again, but I need to acknowledge that it isn’t easy and I’m trying to fight it. Some things are out of my control, like the way people I barely know perceive me or project onto me. That’s been a hard one. Normally I can let that slide off my back a little easier these days, but when it’s people I thought were friends - or even just friendly acquaintances - who are nice in person and I’ve had good interactions with, but then find out that there’s underlying weirdness there - it just hurts and my first instinct is to take it personally even when, rationally, it isn’t personal. It’s hard putting myself out there, and lately I’ve been having feelings of wondering if I should just retreat back into my hole. I don’t want to do that. I am seeing more clearly certain habits I need to break, and boundaries to set with myself.
I think these feelings are hitting me extra hard because of everything I’ve gone through with people who were really really close to me in the past. Sometimes every bad memory stacks up on top of each other in my brain all at once and how can anyone withstand that kind of pain? I’m not trying to do it to myself on purpose but lately it’s coming up more often when I’m alone, I think this is a sign that I need to address what’s going on. I don’t want to feel this way and I know that I don’t have to. 15 year old me maybe couldn’t see all of that, or maybe I could have, which is why I’m still here. I should give her more credit too.
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