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the clip of Caleb’s VA voicing yuji saying “punk ass bitch” has been on loop in my mind ALLLLLL DAYYYYYY NGHHHHH i need him soooo bad … he says that to a guy after breaking his nose for smiling at you ☺️☺️☺️
fluff! zayne taking care of reader who has pmos (this request has been in the drafts so long the name has changed from pcos to pmos, oopsie)
this request is severely overdue (i'm so sorry anon!) but i hope this is going in the direction that you wanted <3 (please talk to your trusted healthcare provider for medical advice, and don't rely solely on the internet like me!)
in the case where zayne does not know you have pmos, and you tell him, i personally think that he is going to treat you like the world's most precious jewel (as if he didn't already). of course, there are times where you want to be independent but your comfort is his number one priority.
first line of action for zayne would be: asking if you have a trusted gynaecologist. he knows that pmos is a condition that has many side effects and his knowledge as a cardiologist can only get him so far. if you do, perfect! if not, he is using his connections to get you an appointment with the most trusted one in all of Akso.
second line of action: get you an appointment with him immediately. pmos can put people at higher risks of heart issues, and that is something he can fix!
third and most important line of action: cuddles. he may not have all of the answers to the questions that you do have, but he will do his absolute best to assure you that he is always by your side. expect sweet pastries (within moderation) and kisses that are even sweeter <3
arctic hare!xavier, river otter!rafayel, timber wolf!caleb, snow leopard!zayne, lynx!sylus x snowshoe hare!female reader
↳ warnings: sfw, world building, mentions of blood/gore, mentions of animal death
4.5k words
Eventually, you succumb to exhaustion, the comforting weight of your bedcovers lulling you back into a deep slumber… but it’s fitful, tainted by Caleb’s blood-soaked skin and feral violet eyes. You sleep through the morning, waking only when the day is well underway, the hustle and bustle of the lively little town square a distant murmur in your ears.
It’s with great difficulty that you finally peel your eyelids open, sleep crusting in the corners and blurring your vision. Beneath your soft patchwork quilt and nestled amongst the many pillows you keep piled against the headboard, the world feels fuzzy and warm. Dust motes dance and swirl in the air, tracing lazy, aimless patterns in front of your window. It’s as if the bed intends to swallow you whole, your limbs heavy and body pliant in its pleasant embrace. You feel so content you nearly drop back off into sleep, but the call of your daily responsibilities is one you can’t afford to ignore. So, instead of giving in to the temptation, you begrudgingly emerge from your safe little cocoon, blankets pooling around your waist as you sit up. Your joints pop and crack as you stretch, sleepy yawn parting your lips as you work out the kinks and knots from your tired muscles. It’s only when you finally manage to pull yourself out of bed that you realize how sore your legs are, a sharp pain shooting up your spine and radiating from your tail bones with each step you take.
Wincing, you wonder briefly what you could have possibly done to injure yourself in such a way before it all comes rushing back… Caleb… the forest… the blood… falling.
Memories of your encounter with the wolf flood your mind, nasty visions of the deer—neck snapped nearly in half—and the gore of its demise swimming behind your eyelids.
How strange it had been… to find him there. Though you’ve never interacted with him much outside of casual pleasantries, as is customary for unmated females such as yourself, you’ve never known Caleb to be anything other than friendly and good-humored. Caleb is a beloved member of the community, well respected as a dependable and capable provider. As far as you know, he is unwed and unmated, brushing off the constant nagging he receives from the Elders with lighthearted laughter and the promise that he’ll take a mate when the time is right. He visits your shop just once a week—usually early in the morning—to trade his meat for baked goods, always smiley and charming… a stark contrast to the beast of a man you’d met in the woods. The Caleb you’d stumbled upon this morning was not the lovable neighborhood butcher who tussled with pups and younglings in the fields or snuck extra meat into expecting mothers’ baskets. No, the Caleb you’d met in the woods was practically unrecognizable… more animal than man.
The sound of cheerful conversation and the thump of footsteps outside pulls you from your thoughts, a much-needed reminder to return to the task at hand. You're already woefully late, and if you don't open shop soon, nosy customers will come knocking. Sighing, you shake the memories of Caleb from your mind. No matter how odd an encounter it had been, life continues on, and your duties take precedence over unexpected jaunts through the woods and deer hunts. Besides, the world always seems less scary in the daylight hours… perhaps you'd overreacted, fear clouding your judgement.
Determined to go about your routine as usual, you hop over to the small wash basin and mirror in the corner of your bedroom, but every other step feels torturous thanks to the sting in your ass, air hissing through your clenched teeth. A splash of cool water against your sleep-warmed cheeks has you feeling refreshed and looking a little less rosy. Examining your hazy appearance in the polished metal, you do your best to make yourself presentable, brushing through the tangles in your hair and smoothing the mussed fur of your rabbit ears. Unable to help yourself, you spend an extra minute or two admiring how beautifully they sprout from beneath your hair to stand tall and proud atop your head, tracing the delicate curve with your fingertips. Right now, the fur that lines them is a lovely shade of brown, dark and rich, but it won’t be long before it begins to molt, shedding to make way for a brilliant, snowy white. The same will happen to the fluffy tail that protrudes at the base of your spine, just above your behind. Snowshoe hares like yourself, along with many other furred mammals, undergo a seasonal molt at least twice a year, hormones affected by the loss of daylight and impending change in weather. Soon, most people in your village will match their wintery surroundings, coats doubling and blending seamlessly with the snow-covered mountain peaks.
After slipping your apron down over your head and knotting it behind your back, you make your way down the hall and into the main room that serves as your storefront, albeit slowly.
Situated in the corner is the large open-mouthed oven with which you bake all your goods, made from heavy stone and tightly packed cob, worn and weathered from generations of use. In front of it is your work station, a sturdy table built from thickly cut cedar wood, already dusted with flour for today’s kneading. The dough you’d prepared the previous evening waits patiently beneath their damp cloths in circular little bowls, having risen as you slept.
Every moment spent dawdling is precious time your oven could be heating, so you hurry to build a fire. The crack of steel against flint sends leaping sparks of light into the rough pile of kindling, eating away at the tinder until the heat swallows it whole. Only for a minute do you admire the dancing flames, poking and prodding at them occasionally to make sure they're catching properly. Once the fire in the oven has grown to a fierce roar, you round the shop counter, quickly pushing the top half of your stable door open to air out the stuffy little bakery. Soon, the mouthwatering smell of freshly baked bread and pastries will drift from your cottage, beckoning passers-by to take a peek inside, curious to glimpse whatever your baker’s peel might pull from the gaping oven mouth today.
It’s a gloomy sort of day outside your door, sun occasionally peaking from behind the fast-moving clouds that blanket the sky in grey. Though the fog has burned off, the weather is no less dreary, a twinge of cold cutting through the last breath of summer. Great winds blow in from the east, carrying with them the promise of rain and cold.
Summer has finally turned over its dominion to the hands of autumn, trading warmth and sunlight for cooler temperatures and shorter days. It won't be long before the changing of the leaves begins, deciduous trees dressing in their finest shades of orange and red as a last farewell before dropping their foliage altogether. The rows of juicy tomatoes and cucumbers that line Farmer Jeremiah’s gardens will soon boast a variety of colorful squash and cauliflower instead, their seeds dutifully sown by the good-natured wood mouse throughout the last months of summer.
You’ve always loved autumn and everything that comes with it… the buttery pies and roasted pumpkin seeds, the fallen leaves crunching beneath your boots, the smell of fresh apple cider wafting from the tavern windows… but the thing you love most of all is how your village seems to come alive with anticipation. Though the summers in the mountains are typically mild, the promise of cooler temperatures is like catnip to Snow Dwellers, a call none can—or wish to—ignore. Sure, you can withstand the heat well enough, but your people are made for the cold, bodies better suited to polar habitats and climates thanks to your animal genetics. Snow Dwellers typically boast larger physiques, have thicker hair, and experience autumn weight gain. These attributes often leave you sweaty and disgruntled during the warmer months of the year, but they allow you to thrive during the snowy blizzards that plague your mountain range.
In fact, the ability to withstand harsher conditions is what differentiates you Snow Dwellers from the other people groups that dot your region. Though you’ve never interacted with them yourself, having never ventured very far from home, you've heard tales of communities that live very differently from your own… different species, customs, and lifestyles.
According to those who’ve traveled down the mountain, just east of your village lies a settlement of Grassland Dwellers. The animals that live there are far better equipped for temperate climates. Because of this, they choose to occupy the fair-weathered rolling hills and plains rather than the rocky outcroppings and plateaus on which your people make their homes.
You once heard whispers of Burrower colony in the lands to the south. Supposedly, it’s comprised entirely of rabbit hybrids who live simplistic lives almost exclusively underground in intricate tunnel systems called Warrens. Rumor has it that despite their ability to easily reproduce, they still struggle to survive, afflicted by unusually short lifespans. Without the natural strength of predators, manual labor is far more demanding, and their development as a society has been slow… Your village is lucky to house both predator and prey alike.
Occasionally, your village plays host to nomadic travelers passing through on their way to higher altitudes as well, but they arrive few and far between and never stay in town for long. Once, a scruffy mountain goat wandered into your bakery. His speech was limited, but with a few simple words and a game of charades, you managed to give him directions to the gorge he was headed for, along with a seed loaf to keep him fed along the way. Typically, Nomads prefer to live by animal instinct alone and ignore their humanity altogether. They often appear more “wild” and look closer to their animal counterparts than those who live in civilizations. Nomads almost always travel alone and tend to avoid others if they can help it.
Needless to say, different hybrids have different needs, and the winter months meet your people’s almost entirely.
But, unfortunately, the arrival of autumn doesn’t just bring tasty treats and warm socks, it also brings extra responsibility. Despite how hard your animal genetics work, they still have human ones fighting against them, and you are not immune to the cold, much less starvation. With the threat of frost and ice looming mere months away, your village will have to kick preparations into overdrive if you wish to survive the winter.
For you, that means the doubling of recipes, hours spent slaving in the heat of the oven’s glow, and more time in the forest foraging for herbs. The days ahead would be busy, not only for you, but for other village providers as well. As a pillar of the community, your labor is vital to the survival of your people. Without food, you will not make it through the winter months, a weight that sits heavy upon yours, and so many others’, shoulders. So heavy, in fact, that you sometimes fear it will topple you. You are young and inexperienced, only freshly come of age, and this shall be your first year as the primary keeper of the hearth. Though you are only one part of a much larger operation—a tiny cog in a great machine—the people look to you for sustenance. They rely on you to provide what is needed when food is scarce, and the crops grow dormant.
You need only to make it to the Harvest Festival, a town-wide celebration marking the end of the fertile period and the beginning of the inactive months your town calls Hibernation. The remainder of each crop will be gathered and a grand feast prepared, the last of its kind before your village hunkers down to wait out the winter. Only when a large, steaming plate of fresh pumpkin bread sits upon the long table to be enjoyed by townsfolk—young and old alike—will you finally be allowed rest.
It is with these expectations in mind that you work today, gently kneading dough into beautifully scored loaves, dutifully filling your shelves and stores with pretzels and pastries.
A few customers make their way in over the next few hours, one of whom is your good friend Tara, a mountain goat. She is the village chandler, and while you know she comes to trade candles for this week’s rations, her reputation as storyteller and town gossip means she will provide you with more than just wax goods.
“Good morning- or should I say good afternoon,” she quips, leaning across your counter as if she owns the place, “Care to tell me why when I came by this morning, the door was shut and the lamps snuffed? It’s the least you can do after depriving me of my morning scone… my tea was so bland without it.”
You sigh, dusting your hands on your apron before you make your way over to her, pulling two fresh scones from the tray to offer as an apology, “I’m sorry. I had trouble sleeping last night… strange dreams. Before I knew it, the day was half gone.”
Tara takes the sugar-covered sweets without complaint, plucking them from your hands with the entitled attitude only a best friend could afford to have.
“Hm, you know… they say dreams serve as omens for something to come. Hopefully a handsome man was present.”
As Tara pops a piece of the pastry into her mouth, you think back to your brush with Caleb. He is certainly handsome, well built and a fine face… but the manner in which he’d appeared…
“Nope, only monsters and ghouls.”
Tara makes a disappointed sort of noise, mouth full of the delicious sweet and pouty lips covered in crumbs and sugar crystals. You can’t help but laugh at her childish behavior, grabbing a nearby cloth to carefully wipe away the mess on her face. As soon as she’s swallowed her bite and you've finished cleaning her chin, she’s back to her endless chatting, something you find both endearing and a bit impressive.
“Speaking of-”
“What? Monsters and ghouls?”
“No, silly,” she pins you with an exasperated look to which you raise your hands in surrender, “Handsome men, obviously. I’ve heard whispers that Gideon intends to court Simone this mating season.”
You pause at that, eyebrows shooting up into your hairline, “Gideon? Gideon wants to mate with Simone? Our Simone?”
“Yup,” Tara pops the ‘p’ playfully before she’s back to her scone, shoveling another large piece into her mouth, nearly choking on it.
“She’s gonna eat that boy alive,” you lament, shaking your head as you do so.
Your friend Simone is a wolverine and seamstress. She’s blunt and straightforward, never one to shy away from expressing her opinion—even to those superior to her. Village Elders, who so many respect and heed without question, often find themselves the subject of her harsh critique. More than once, you’d been intentionally poked with a sewing needle during a garment fitting, Simone chastising you for speaking badly of yourself, loudly insisting that your shape was perfect and any man would be blessed to bear witness to it. She is a wonderful girlfriend, but she remains largely unimpressed with the men in your village and rarely extends to them the same kindness she freely offers women. Her maneater reputation wards off potential suitors like the plague.
Gideon, on the other hand, is a bit of a lap dog… literally. He’s a Bernese Mountain Dog, a herding species known for their gentle and affectionate disposition. He maintains the town’s cattle, carefully shepherding the herd while managing dairy production and slaughter selection. You like Gideon well enough; he’s friendly, good-looking, and loyal to a fault, but you have to admit… he’s a bit naive, always in over his head when it comes to women. If you didn’t know any better, you might think that he’s become a little desperate with the passing of each unsuccessful mating season, but you’ve long since realized that’s just who Gideon is… a hopeless romantic through and through. You haven’t talked with him much, but you found his head to be in the clouds the few times you have.
You hate to say it, but the poor man doesn’t stand a chance with your feisty friend.
“I dunno,” Tara muses, clapping her hands together to rid them of crumbs before picking out the baked goods she wants for the week, “Lovable Gideon might yet thaw our Simone’s frozen heart… or at least his muscles might.”
“He has gotten rather big this summer, hasn’t he?”
“Not nearly as big as Sylus,” Tara argues, to which you nod your head in agreement.
Sylus, the village blacksmith, is easily the largest man in town, years of labour at the anvil strengthening his back and shoulders. Every unmated woman (and even a few mated ones) has caught themselves ogling the lynx while he pounds away at hot metal once or twice, watching his beefy bicep ripple with each heavy strike of his hammer.
“Either way,” your friend’s words yank you from your daydreams, mouth a little dryer at the memory of Sylus’ impressive form, “I think they’d make a cute couple. Don’t tell Simone, but I'm secretly rooting for him.”
You laugh, busying yourself with wrapping Tara’s pastries before carefully placing them in her basket, “It would be nice to see his… attempts at flirtation succeed for once.”
“Agreed. Well, I’d better be off,” Tara takes her basket from you in exchange for a small pile of candles, still joined at the wick, which you store with your lamp oil for later use.
“I expect to see you bright and early tomorrow morning with my scones!” she calls back as she makes her way out the door, making you laugh with fondness. Oh, how you’ve spoiled her.
You return to your work as soon as she’s gone, your progress a bit slower than usual due to your injury, and your mind filled with distracting thoughts of the upcoming mating season and potential couplings. Perhaps you’ll participate this year… should you have time to.
Only when you are well into the afternoon does the door bell chime once again, announcing the arrival of another customer. Already, a friendly, welcoming smile is sliding into place as you turn to greet whoever has wandered in.
“Welcome in-“
The words die on your tongue when none other than Caleb steps over the threshold, stooping to avoid hitting his head on the low doorframe, though he’s unable to keep the tips of his fuzzy brown ears from brushing it. Your blood runs cold at the sight of him, the memories you’d been so successfully pushing away until now rising unbidden to the forefront of your mind.
He’s quite possibly the last person you’d expected to see today.
Caleb’s cleaned up in the few hours since last you saw him, linen shirt back to that off-white you know so well, not a trace of blood left on his chin. He looks… normal. Alarmingly so. So normal, in fact, that you briefly wonder if you’d hallucinated the entire encounter. In his right hand is not the neck of a mutilated deer, but rather, a small, neatly wrapped parcel, twine tied around it in a delicate bow.
Here, amidst the cozy atmosphere of your bakery, he’s nothing more than a man once again.
Caleb sends a warm smile your way, not quite meeting your eye as he wanders over to the counter, bending to inspect the loaves lining the shelves beneath it.
You watch him peruse the selection from the corner of your eye, unable to help your curiosity. Aside from this morning and his usual weekly visit, you haven’t seen Caleb much in recent days. He always seems to be cooped up in his butchery, likely getting ahead on his work, preserving what meat he can before winter arrives. Once, two weeks ago, you’d caught a glimpse of him from your window, headed in the direction of Zayne’s around dusk—whether to receive medical care or to simply pay the physician a visit, you don't know—but you hadn’t seen him since.
Caleb looks comedically large in your little shop, though most predators do. Your ancestors had built this cottage with rabbits like yourself in mind, never once considering how a wolf might have trouble navigating the small space. The difference between the two of you is jarring, but you’ve grown used to it living in this village. Predators are large, Caleb especially. He’s a big boy, the physically demanding nature of his occupation hardening his body, thick, corded muscle lining his large torso. He carries his weight well, his silhouette bulkier than most men you’ve known. Second only to Sylus, he’s one of the taller men in your village and easily towers over you, his bushy tail nearly as long as you are high.
You clear your throat awkwardly, attempting to bury the apprehension that lingers still. This is the Caleb you know… the Caleb you like. He’s nothing to be afraid of… you think.
“I have sweet loaves this week… I know you usually prefer the spiced ones, but…”
Finally, Caleb’s purple eyes find yours, quick to notice your discomfort, acutely aware of your hesitance. You're unsure of how to approach him, something that makes guilt twist in his stomach.
“No, um- well… uh-“ you’ve never seen Caleb struggle for words like this, fumbling like a newborn pup. He’s usually so talkative, carrying with him an air of confidence and an effortless charm that makes him popular amongst both men and women alike.
“I came to apologize,” when you don't respond, merely blinking at him, he clarifies, “…For earlier. I scared you.”
Oh.
Your bewilderment must show on your face because he rushes to fill the stunned silence, anxiously raking a hand through his bangs, pushing the chocolate strands back off his forehead, only for them to stubbornly fall back into place.
“You just surprised me. I didn't expect to run into anyone so early in the morning… or so far from the village,” he explains, “I was huntin.’”
“Hunting what?”
You can't help how quickly the question escapes you, not wanting to sound accusatory, but suspicious of his behavior nonetheless.
“Venison,” he answers, a hint of embarrassment sneaking into his voice, “Gids says the herd’s a bit thin this year… gonna have to get creative if we want to make it through Hibernation.”
Suddenly, things are lining up more clearly. Gideon’s cattle are the village’s primary source of protein, but if there had been fewer spring births than usual, Caleb would have to turn to other means. You’d never known how he procured his meat when calves were scarce, just known that he’d never failed to provide.
Still, you feel sorry for the deer for meeting such an untimely and gruesome end. Your people treat animals with the utmost respect, looking upon them with sympathy for having not been touched by evolution and blessed with higher intelligence like yourselves. You’d always given thanks for their sacrifice, praying their spirits might pass on in peace… a luxury that poor thing had not been gifted. But you cannot fault Caleb either, knowing he has the village’s well-being in mind.
“I see…”
The silence stretches between you, thick and charged, until Caleb once again breaks it, “You dropped your shawl when you… when you ran off.”
With that, he holds out the little package, his own silent version of a peace offering and apology.
“It had a bit of mud on it. Tried to get it out the best I could.”
“Thank you,” you mumble, suddenly feeling a bit shy under his expectant gaze. Shame for having ever doubted him creeps up your spine, especially after receiving such a thoughtful gesture.
As you move to take the parcel from him, pain flares in your behind, making you whimper pitifully, outstretched hands cringing inwardly to comfort yourself. Caleb’s ears swivel to attention as soon as the painful little noise leaves you, eyes raking over your form to find the source of your discomfort, nose twitching when your scent once again sours.
“Did you injure yourself when you fell? Where does it hurt? Do you need help? I can carry you to Zayne’s if you can’t walk,” a flurry of questions leaves him, protective instincts urging him to do something… anything.
Waving your hands dismissively, you steady yourself, attempting to put on a brave face lest you worry him, though you're not quite able to sponge away the grimace entirely, “No, no. It’s just a bit of bruising. I’ll be ok.”
Caleb shrinks back at your refusal, ears folding back submissively, making him look more like a kicked puppy than a wolf. A twinge of regret passes over you at the dejected look on his face, but he schools it into one of neutrality just as quickly, bending to your authority even against his better judgment.
“Alright, well… make sure to get it checked out if it gets worse,” you nod obediently, taking the shawl from him. A shiver prickles the back of your neck when his large hands brush yours in the trade off, the warmth of his skin gone just as soon as you’d felt it.
“I will. Promise.”
“Good girl… Gotta get back to my shop, but I’ll drop by later this week. Save a sweet loaf for me?”
His praise makes heat bloom across your cheeks, saliva sticking uncomfortably in your mouth. But when Caleb tosses you another friendly smile, it effectively dispels whatever strange tension had been growing between you, earning him a grin of your own in response.
“Sure, get back safely.”
“Will do.”
Then he’s gone. The door bangs shut with the whispers of something more, and you watch his figure retreat down the path, back toward the butchery. Even through the gloomy grey clouds, you can see the sun beginning its path of decent, the evening hours approaching quickly.
How very odd this day has turned out to be…
However, Caleb is right— you really ought to get checked out by the doctor. You simply cannot afford to let this injury fester into something worse. Too much is at stake this autumn. It’s with the mountain of work ahead of you and the Harvest Festival’s demands on your mind that you decide to pay Zayne, village physician and apothecary, a visit.
Just as the sun is beginning to dip below the horizon and your work is finished, you’ll make the journey out to his home. You can only hope your apologies for bothering him so late in the evening will be accepted and he’ll see you. After all, Zayne is a private man… one who doesn’t like being disturbed during personal hours.
𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖘 𝖒𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 // 𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖘 𝖕𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙
a/n: well, we finally made it through chapter two! thank you for your patience with this one… i hope it was well worth the wait! what do we think? is caleb really as sweet and friendly as he seems to be, or is the man you saw in the woods what’s been hiding beneath the surface all along? will you make it to the harvest festival, or crumble under the pressure? will gideon manage to charm simone? who knows? well… me i know, but soon you will too. i hope this chapter was immersive and easily digestible, giving you a proper feel for the world of snow dwellers and their village traditions. it’s going to be a long fall, but never fear! our lovely protagonists will support you all the way—doctor zayne especially, as he examines your bruised bum next chapter. thanks for reading!
OH MY GOD WHY DOESN'T THIS HAVE MORE LIKES LIKE WHAT THE MCFUCK!? I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!! genuinely, i love the worldbuilding. i feel like i just learnt so much about the characters and this town. i absolutely love how you write the town and landscape in such a vivid way. like the words feel alive, if that makes sense? also caleb being so shy like awwww pookie🥺 but the descriptions of how damn jacked him and sylus are were 110% necessary😝 i'm so excited for the next chapter to meet zaynie hehehehehe. but seriously, there are so many possibilities with this story, and i'm so excited to see where it goes. i like this tension around the true caleb- like is he the friendly butcher or is he the blood-drenched hunter?
okay last thing idk if you've done this honey but PLEASE put this on ao3. like this would do so well over there!!!!! seriously like i can't tell you how many times i've thought about rabbitology (is this weird?) like the other day (tf am i saying this happened two weeks ago), i went to visit this like regional/rural town that my dad recently bought a house in. this town is like up in the mountains, like really far up, like i'm in the valley at the very base of the mountains and it took about 1hr 40mins to drive there. we went on a gloomy, foggy day. when i tell you- it was so beautiful and gothic, the mountains and the trees. like from the road, the trees cleared, and we looked down into a clearing/plateau where the town was situated before driving down there. driving through the town had twilight 2008 bella swan entering forks vibes. BUT okay BUT this is the part that really gave peak rabbitology. we came to the house that my dad bought, and the mountains and woods are so close to it. like i could see the fog amidst the trees, rising from the ground. it was genuinely the best fucking thing everrrrrrrr. i'll be moving there after i finish my degree, so like in 1-2 years, but yeah, it just reminded me of your fic.
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popping in to show off my most recent purchase (pls ignore the makeup stains on my sweater). genuinely i'm cracking up pls what is this fan behaviour who am i? (this is how yk i'm going through it. whenever i get into caleb my mental health is 📉).
ALSO!! i just want to say thank you for all of the lovely comments i received on my hiatus announcement. i've read them all, and i'm so grateful to have such a loving community on here!
hi, my jelly beans! i'll be taking an indefinite hiatus (i.e. i could be back next week, next month, etc).
tumblr just hasn't been very fun lately, so i'm taking some time away for my mental health. uni is starting back up again, and i also want to work on some other creative projects at my own pace.
love sting! will still be updated on ao3. i'll also be posting other works on there (hopefully). if you're interested, you can subscribe to my works or to me to receive an email every time there's an update! this hiatus is from only tumblr.
thanks for all of your support and patience. i'll be back once i'm ready!
a/n: yayy my first lil drabble/ blurb for my little writing event!! thank you for this ask (i'm so happy this was requested, i had a plan for this one hehe) i hope you like it!
caleb was good at pretending to be happy. he’d been doing it for most of his life- while being experimented on, while taking care of you in josephine’s house, and now.
the only times he can remember feeling true happiness bubbling under his skin was when he found you after the explosion and reconnected. relief turned into overwhelming joy and overwhelming joy turned into a desperation to hold onto one another, refusing to be ripped from each other's grasps again.
caleb wonders if that’s all your relationship had been: desperation. he’d felt unwavering love and devotion towards you, but maybe you had just been so caught up in the overwhelming news that he was alive that you jumped right into his waiting arms.
sometimes, in his darkest nights, caleb thinks he imagined your relationship. like it was an elaborate delusion his brain conjured up to soothe the ache your absence cause him. small things remind him that it existed, though: a shirt in his dresser drawers, a hair tie under a desk, and a whiff of your signature scent in the shower. some days these things bring relief, but some days they bring an unbearable buzzing to his chest.
you’d told him you’d love him your entire life- said it while tangled in bedsheets, in the low light of the kitchen fridge, even casually when he remembered to grab you extra sauce for your fast food. your life with him was short, he guessed, compared to your new life with zayne.
zayne li. his best friend from childhood, alongside you, was the one who stole your heart from its rightful temporary place beside his.
caleb wasn’t sure how it happened, it felt like one week you were dating him and the next you were dating zayne, and then the next year you were engaged to zayne.
he didn’t hate you for it. of course not, how could he hate you when you were clearly so happy with zayne?
does caleb cry in the shower when he imagines zayne’s hands on the skin that used to be his to touch? yes. is he still productive in his day to day life? also yes.
he hand built the arch for your wedding, hemmed your dress (it killed him to see it before the wedding), helped decorate your wedding venue, and even baked your wedding cake. he’d always known he would be heavily involved in your wedding planning, just… not like this. not as a groomsman instead of the groom.
it absolutely killed him to see you with zayne, happier than he ever made you, but he was your strong caleb afterall. he never broke down in front of you, always smiling (albiet fake) and putting you first.
so, if standing by zayne’s side and watching you walk towards him down a rose lined aisle was what it took to make you happy, then of course caleb would do it with a smile.
even if you weren’t walking towards him.
even if your vows weren’t said to him.
even if he wasn’t the one to put a massive, gaudy ring on your finger.
even if he wasn’t the one kissing you when the officiant announced ‘you may now kiss the bride’.
since you left him, caleb has done everything with a broken heart, and attending your wedding was no exception.
a/n2: if anyone wants to request something else, click here!
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So last month I yapped with @evilldentists that I have not been fangirling enough because I haven’t had a dream of Sylus yet.
It finally happened!!! A Sylus dream! and ✋😭 im crying laughing because it felt like a scene from an AU fic lmaoooo my subconscious is also trying to make fics 😭😭😂 Gave me a premise and I said bet, polished it to be presentable, hope you enjoy it like I did 😂
Tribal Chief!Sylus x Tribute Bride!Reader who can play the erhu. (Do you see? why it’s fun? I’m giggling) wc1.2k~ about 5 mins reading time. Somebody tell me if a hot kiss should be tagged as suggestive?
And yeeees the visuals are a vision ✨ I’m swooning.
The lavish banquet hall is filled with soft murmurs as you slowly step through the middle aisle, walking towards the seat of honor at the front.
Eyes downcast, you ignore the prodding looks and curious gazes sent your way. Your hands brush against the soft fabric of your clothes, the swishes soft and cool on your skin.
When you’re finally near the raised dais, you stop. Voices sounded out beside you. Acting as the envoy from your tribe, your uncle greeted the young chieftain with deferential pleasantries, overly generous with praising the most powerful tribe, their military might and strategies, their rich resources…
Bored, you zone out from the one-sided prattle and think back to the recent days. You had fought your father over this, the chief of your own tribe, yelling and screaming, unwilling to be treated as a mere trading piece. To be ripped from the place you know as both freedom and home. But in the end it was to no avail, for here you stand.
There was one thing your father said that struck with you and made you bend your stubbornness a little and finally follow his order. Not duty, nor honor, nor the glory to become the chieftainess of the richest and strongest tribe.
It was that Sylus had specifically asked for you by name.
Not a chess piece for negotiations. But to be his only bride.
Finally, you hear your name mentioned with a flourish by your uncle, who elbowed you gently, whispering for you to pay respect.
But instead of bowing, your eyes dared to meet his commanding ones, dared to look directly into the eyes of the powerful man they all feared.
Sitting languidly on the cushions on the dais, his toned and muscular upper body is bare save for a leather chest guard and a gold medallion. A few braids accentuate his long silver hair. His piercing crimson eyes seem to peer into your soul.
You held his gaze for as long as he did, both equally assessing the other, until a corner of his mouth lifted up in a small smirk.
The envoy nudged you again, an erhu held out for you to take. “Play,” he urged in a whisper, inwardly sweating from the stress of this responsibility given to him. He sighed in relief when you took the instrument and sat down on a stool provided. He bowed, taking a few steps backward to make you the focus.
And started sweating in nervousness again at the first few notes you began to play. It was very much not the agreed-upon piece.
You played a dirge. Reverent, but mournful. Low, drawn out notes carry heavy grief. A song of loss. Played only for the dead.
Keeping your eyes on the young tribal chief, you slid the bow through the strings, masterfully drawing out a lament. You have long since run out of tears during the distance of the road to travel here. Now, it’s your music that will cry in your stead, speaking where you cannot.
Then the song speeds up to a different tune, faster and faster. It almost sounds like hoof beats of a thousand war horses, charging out your feelings of anger at the circumstance, at suddenly being whisked away, at being separated from your home, at your helplessness over your own life.
Until you gradually diminished the volume in reluctant agreement. Slow, tentative, curious. The music ends on notes that felt like a question to the man whose full focus is on you, seemingly asking “Why did you ask for me? Have we met before? Will I… find my place here?”
Despite the odd choice of music, no one can contest the skill you possess to play so remarkably. Still, some disapproving looks were cast your way.
Your uncle is full-on quaking behind you.
Yet through it all, Sylus listened. He heard each thought behind the song. And he intends to reassure you later on.
But for now, he wore an amused expression, a low chuckle making the crowd go quiet, watching for his next move.
“Stand.” He commands. “Such a bold piece for a very adorable kitten trying out her claws.”
Your glare only seems to amuse him further as he lifts one hand to beckon you closer. “Come, princess, sit beside me.” He gives you honor and recognition in front of his tribe.
Another cushion is placed beside him, as well as a new tray of food placed on a low table. You do as asked, stepping up onto the raised platform and quietly sitting down with perfect grace.
The banquet continues, new groups of envoys come forward to pay respects and present tributes or performances. Wine, food and music flowed all throughout.
You sat still, bored at the proceedings, hands folded neatly on your lap. You feel the weight of his gaze back on you.
“Is the food not to your liking?” He asks in a low voice that only the two of you could hear. “Then, why don’t you choose from my spread. Take whatever you desire.”
Your eyes flick to the low table in front of him, then seek his face once again. Assessing, prodding.
He leans closer. “The meat? The fruits? Some bread?” He pauses. “Your freedom?”
Your eyes widen, though you keep on staring at him.
“I will not force you to stay like some pretty bird in a gilded cage. However, it is my sincere hope that you would give me a chance first. Let me answer all your questions and you’ll see why I want you by my side.”
The silence stretches, but he patiently waits as you absorb his words.
“Anything I want?” You confirm, and he inclines his head in affirmation.
Your hand hovers over the abundance of food, his eyes curiously following your fingers as it settled on a cluster of fruit.
Plucking a piece of ruby red grape, you lift it up to his lips instead. His brows rise, but still he opens his mouth to receive, only to be surprised further when your mouth suddenly followed to chase the other end of the fruit with your own teeth.
You closed what little gap remained when your lips kissed his, tasting the drops of juice that flowed.
Sweet, but tart.
Just like you had always been, Sylus thought.
He held your chin, allowing the kiss to continue.
So you slipped your tongue in.
The poor grape got passed between your mouth and his, rolling between your tongues, the two of you snatching it from each other, until it finally settled within your lips as he broke the kiss.
You chewed on it, keeping your eyes on his chiseled face that turned even more handsome when he barked out a rich, gravelly laugh. It made your stomach flip a little bit.
Tart, but sweet. You’ll soon discover who he is, who he can be to you, how he will always treat you with respect and indulgence.
But for now, you finally showed him a small smile.
Well. You thought, feeling your heart settle just a tiny bit. It might not be too bad to stay with this man.
Credits to photos here and here, because I don’t have this card 😭
fluff! reader and zayne are in high school lovers, zayne lowkey messes up big time, inspired by the hidden love scene where they're on a bus
the bus is packed. you look over to zayne who only sends you a concerned look. after politely pushing past people, you manage to find a spot to stand, holding onto the hooks attached to the ceiling.
zayne stands next to you, nodding as a silent way of saying to hold on for the next ten minutes.
the engine of the bus picks up again, and you grasp onto the handle tightly. more people somehow manage to get on, only making the place feel even tighter.
the bus starts moving again, the forward movement of the bus causes those behind you to subtly push into you, the tall height of the handle starting to leave an ache in your arm. but you don't pay much attention to it, only five more minutes left before your date with zayne truly starts.
at the next bus stop, a gentle hand relieves the ache from your arm. you look at zayne, who adjusts your free hand to hold onto his arm instead. he doesn't say anything, only removing the stray strand of hair covering your eyes.
“thank you.” you whisper, the sound of the other passengers drown out in the background.
“of course.” he nods, making sure you hold on tighter to him.
with two more stops to go, you forget about everything but zayne. the fresh smell of his cologne, the way his hair is parted so perfectly on his face, his—
the bus comes to an abrupt stop, causing you to lose your balance and crash into zayne. you fall into his embrace, hugging him like a koala stuck to a tree.
immediately, you scramble out of his arms and look away in embarrassment. “are you hurt?” zayne asks.
“no. but i looked like an idiot when i fell into you.” you bite your lip.
“i'm glad to know the feeling is mutual.” he replies and you try to process what he just said to you.
“you're glad i looked like an idiot?” you ask and you feel the old women looking at you and zayne in interest.
“no, of course not. my apologies, y/n, i did not mean it like that.” his ears start burning red. “what i meant was, i am glad that i am not the only one out of us that has fallen. as in, i have fallen for you.”
“well you could have just said it like that, you silly!” you let out a sigh of relief. “i wouldn't be on a date with you if i didn't fall for you either zayne.”
“this is a date?” your blood runs cold. “i thought our date began at the café, not the bus.” you take a deep breath in, regulating your emotions.
“you're really lucky i like you, zayne.” you mumble under your breath.
“sorry, what did you say?”
“don't worry your pretty head about it.” you get on your tiptoes, patting his head. “now come on, we have a date to get to!”
fluff!! dancing in the rain with zayne, zaynie being a nervous lover boy again (but who is surprised? not me!)
drip drop. zayne feels his heart drop as wet patches cover the dry ground.
he knew it would rain, but thought he would be able to make sure he would send you home safe before the rain started.
but how was be meant to know that time simply flies with you by his side? you give him a childish grin, dropping your bag and his on the floor.
zayne’s heart begins to drum against the confines of his chest, your smile enough to have him spiralling.
without saying a word, you guide his arms around your waist as you place your arms on his neck. his mouth slightly opens in protest, but as your smile grows wider, he swallows down his remaining thoughts.
the rain grows stronger, leaving his clothes soaked with the material sticking to his body. but he doesn’t care, his gaze locked in on you.
“let’s dance, zaynie!” you giggle, fixing the hairs covering his vision. you sway in his arms, slowly warming him up to the dancing.
it doesn’t take long for zayne to give in, his heart swelling at how much sincerity and devotion he feels for you. he grasps one of your hands, twirling you around.
you squeal, coming back into his embrace, holding him tightly. he pulls you closer to him, your head leaning against his chest.
it doesn’t take a doctor to hear the wild sound of zayne’s heartbeat. but it doesn’t matter, because yours is exactly the same.
synopsis: this beautiful thing continues to grow between you and xavier, and you become a bit bolder—as does he.
★pairing: xavier x f!reader
★wc: 8.4k
★content: fluff galore. the cute, giddy, still a little awkward stage of realizing your crush is returned. flirting! they're a tiny bit cringe but they're free. xavier reciting poetry. a lot of wanting to kiss but still being a bit shy. mc is lowkey a little horny too.
★a/n: crazy that in a month it'll be a year since I started this series. where does the time go? I'm sorry updates are so sporadic, but I still love this story so much and I'm so excited to share this chapter. (also thought this ch wouldnt be as long LOL)
★part viii ★read on ao3 ★series masterlist ★part x (coming soon)
The rest of the night felt like a whirlwind, stirred up in your chest and sweeping you away.
Even as you had sobered up under Xavier's watchful gaze, sipping at your water and snacking on pretzels at the kitchen counter while the party dwindled down, you felt buzzed. Your skin thrummed with heat, tingling just under his attention, sparking where your shoulder was pressed to his while you hunched together over his phone screen.
"This one's name is Puffball," he told you, pointing to the picture of the rotund yellow songbird. "He's my favorite, and he knows it."
You giggled, peering closer at the bird's talons wrapped around Xavier's slender finger in the photo.
"See, I knew you were a Disney princess," you teased, unable to help it.
When you looked up to see the perplexed look on his face, you couldn't help but laugh.
The way his expression melted when you did made you want to bury your face in your hands. But you just settled for bumping his shoulder, grinning to yourself when he bumped yours back.
At the front door, you had both lingered on the steps, illuminated softly by the buzzing lightbulb overhead. Moths were drawn to the flickering light, as you were to the happiness that radiated from Xavier's soft smile.
His goodbye had lingered in the air, his gentle voice low. It blurred the line towards intimate, even with the little space still left between you. And even when that distance grew as you walked towards your car, you were simultaneously thrilled and eased with the knowledge that this wasn't really a goodbye at all, but one said only for the excuse to soon say hello again.
That exuberant, giddy feeling lasted from the drive home until you were laying in bed. You fell asleep while replaying the night's revelations in your mind, and woke up the next morning already smiling when they replayed in tandem with your hazy dreams.
Now, you turn onto your stomach, stifling your sleepy giggles into your pillow while you mentally recount each and every smile, every heartfelt word. Hugging it to your chest, you kick your feet until you're a tangled mess in your blankets.
Early morning light slips through the slim gap left in your curtains, and as your excitement naturally slows, uncertainty creeps in. Turning onto your back, you stare up at the ceiling you'd pondered at for so many years, growing pensive.
Between the moments of happiness—as bright and consuming as they are—you can't shake that lingering feeling of being disheartened by the turn of events last night. Embarrassment still reared its ugly head whenever you thought of what happened in the living room. (And maybe a small part of you wanted to give Isaiah a piece of your mind the next time you saw him, emboldened by Xavier's voice echoing that his cousin was "an asshole.")
And yet, you were still so, so happy.
How such contrasting feelings could coexist inside you, you didn't know. Your chest ached from cracking it open to bear your heart and soul. You felt empty, and full. You felt the pain of picking at an old scab, and relief at seeing that it could heal over again.
Your mind felt clear for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, long before you came back home. A path forward had finally revealed itself to you: overgrown, but traversable. A way out.
And then you think of Xavier's smile from last night, and something inside of you glows.
Or, maybe even better. A way through.
You would find a way through again.
Reaching out, you fumble with your phone on your bedside table. The time on your lockscreen showed it was still early—a good thing, since the date reminded you that it was Monday and that you did, in fact, have a life and job you needed to return to.
But the text waiting to be read from ten minutes ago has you feeling giddy all over again.
Xavier★: Good morning
The simple greeting, nestled under the Ill find you from last night (and he did, you think with a lovesick smile), is accompanied by a photo that makes you laugh.
In it, Jeremiah is sprawled out on the couch. His head is head hanging off the edge, mouth wide open in a snore you can practically hear. Peeking from the corner of the picture is Xavier, mirth glinting in his eyes through the screen, holding a thumbs up.
me: you stayed the night?
You set your phone back down, sighing as you mentally prepare yourself for the arduous task of pushing your warm, comfy sheets off. There was no coffee waiting to be made now either, per doctor's orders. You'd have to make it through work on good old hydration and sheer will alone.
But you hold off on the rest of the world a little longer when your phone dings almost right away.
Xavier★: Yeah
You snort, bemused at his ever short text messages. But much to your surprised delight, the typing bubble pops up again.
Xavier★: Started cleaning up after U left
me: aw, that's sweet of you :3
You don't even have time to set your phone down again before he swiftly replies.
Xavier★: Really
An emoji follows, that little bunny mascot peering close, eye widened through a magnifying glass. You eagerly watch him type again before the next message nearly stops your heart.
Xavier★: Tell me more about how sweet I am
You feel your face get hot, an embarrassing noise escaping you in the privacy of your room. Rolling around in your bed, you smack your pillow in gleeful disbelief.
Dear god, was he flirting?
Was Xavier actually flirting with you?
At 7 in the morning?!
Last night's revelations still had you flustered, reeling as you revised the one-sided history in your mind to make room for two. If he was going to start flirting outright, you really would melt into that pile of goo you kept feeling dangerously close to.
Or explode into a million pieces (for the millionth time).
One of the two.
You stare at the words on the screen, teeth grazing over your bottom lip. Your heart skitters in your chest, nervous and something else, something very…indecent to be feeling at this ungodly hour.
But maybe ungodly hours make for ungodly thoughts…?
Your breath hitches, and you shake your head. God, no, be normal! This…this was just starting.
Still, the message taunts you. It's such a simple request, but you feel hot all over that he's asking it of you.
Or demanding it, something in you imagines, and you quickly shove that away before you implode.
Chewing on your lip, you type out a few different replies.
While you write, you imagine him sitting on Jeremiah's living room floor, watching you type with the golden morning light sneaking through the curtains to highlight his face. Is he smiling? Are his eyes all soft again, like they were last night when his forehead was pressed to yours?
You fluster yourself with the mental image, and hesitate over the send button before quickly pressing it.
me: I changed my mind. you're absolutely wicked, Xavier Shen.
You blink and already have a reply to read.
Xavier★: who, me?
The little bunny has a halo in the next emoji he sends, and you snort.
me: yes, you!
You add a pointing emoji, and grin while you quickly type before he can get the upper hand on you again.
me: now stop distracting me, I have to get ready for work!!
A crying bunny reacts to you, and you shake your head fondly. By the time you've gotten up and opened your closest, your phone has gone off three more times.
Xavier★: Okay, fine
Xavier★: Ill see U soon
Xavier★: ?
Sitting on the edge of your bed, you look at your high school backpack nestled in the corner of your closest, picturing the unsent confession still hiding away in that zipper compartment. You gaze from the worn star keychain, down to the message waiting for you.
This really was your life. It always has been.
me: yes, you will.
Work is made considerably difficult by the memory of warm, soft-spoken, almost-but-not-quite-but-still-just-enough confessions rotating in your mind. You doubt you made your quota in cases coded today, judged on how many times you buried your face in your arms to squeal over soft smiles and words, your heart swelling until it was about to burst in your chest.
And in those moments when you did manage to reign yourself in, you would catch a glimpse of the forget-me-nots in the lightly fragrant bouquet proudly displayed on your desk, and you'd start giggling madly all over again.
So, it's really no surprise that the minute you clock out for the day, you make it about all of ten minutes before you're out the door and on the way to the library.
You drop off your latest borrowed book in the returns before your feet quickly retrace the steps towards the table in the back. When you eagerly peek your head around the aisle that leads down to it, and see the sunlight grazing the familiar head of silvery hair, you don't even try to bite back a grin.
Said head is currently resting atop folded arms, his face turned away from you. You watch the steady rise and fall of his breathing while you quietly approach, your excited smile softening into something so fond it almost hurts to hold it all in.
Before taking the seat across from him, you lean in, head tilted to try and catch a glimpse of his face. His fluffy bangs are mostly covering his eyes, but at the right angle you can see the flutter of his long lashes, how his hair shifts a bit with each heavy breath in his sleep.
Cute, you think, swallowing the temptation to squeal before it can interrupt the quiet moment. So, so cute.
He shifts in his sleep, and you freeze, eyes wide, until he settles again. There's a rustle and slight crunch of papers beneath him, and you turn your attention to the book he had fallen asleep on.
Curiosity overtaking you, you circle around behind him, tilting to the side to try and capture some of the words on the pages. One of them was covered up by his cheek squished against it, but you can manage to glimpse a few lines on the opposite page.
Murmuring softly lip to lip,
Along the grass, along the sands,
Murmuring how far away are the unquiet lands
"Huh," you make the sound thoughtfully, quietly, fingertips grazing along a few of the words.
Was Xavier a fan of poetry? The idea of learning more and more about him has you smiling again. Him being tangible, knowable, real and with you makes you feel like you're in way too deep already.
And then you remember how he looked at you last night, what he said, and you don't feel all that self conscious about being this head over heels at all.
Your head tilts the other direction, leaning in further to read more. In your distraction, you don't notice when Xavier's breathing starts to turn from heavy to shallow.
Not until he makes a soft, sleepy sound, and your eyes snap to his as they flutter open.
The blue of them looks darker as he wakes up, blinking slowly a few times. You're struck by how content he looks in the crossover between sleeping and waking, snapping back into yourself only when a smile grows across his face.
It's small at first, then brighter, unabashed while he wakes and his eyes lock with a clear focus onto yours.
"You came," Xavier murmurs, and you feel a familiar, yet sharper thrill of infatuation go through you at how happy he sounds.
The thrill turns into a spark that almost consumes you when his fingers brush against yours on the page. You gasp, jolting back purely on instinct.
"Sorry!" You straighten up when you realize how close you'd gotten, smiling bashfully. "I didn't mean to invade your space. I just—I wanted to see what you were reading."
"Oh."
His brows furrow when you give him space, a look you can't quite catch flashing in his eyes. Was he upset with you for being nosy?
Xavier doesn't say anything about it though. Straightening, he stretches his back out with a pop of his joints. He makes a quiet, satisfied grunt that immediately sticks into your mind.
Oh, cool, more ungoldy thoughts at a totally normal hour.
You swallow thickly, clearing your throat. Xavier rubs his hand across the cheek that had been pressed to the book, and you giggle softly at how red it was from the pressure.
He turns back to you and smiles at your laughter. It's more faint now, a bit more tempered than when he'd first woken up, but no less fond.
Fond, you think again, remembering last night: his ardent reassurance under the fairy lights, the affection in his gaze when the fireworks lit up his face. You hadn't second-guessed it for a second, not like you used to. But it still hits you again as Xavier smiles just for you—at that little table he'd saved for you again, sunlight dappled in his hair, eyes sparkling—that this is real.
You might get addicted to this feeling, if you're not careful.
He adjusts the book in front of him, tugging it closer to the edge so you can see it better. He peers up at you through his thick lashes and, yeah, you don't really want to be that careful.
"This is my favorite poet," he tells you, showing you the cover to reveal When You Are Old: Early Poems, Plays, and Fairy Tales by William Butler Yeats. "I revisit this collection a lot." Xavier pauses, scratching at the side of his neck. His gaze slides away from yours when he admits quietly, "Especially when I have something to contemplate."
You glance back at the poem, eyes automatically catching on the words softly lip to lip, and feel your face grow hot.
Of course your mind would jump there first, without even reading the rest of the poem. But just the idea of him thinking about it too; Xavier kissing you, slow, intentional. Fingers cupping the nape of your neck, pulling you close…
"Oh," you say softly, a little breathless at your consistently overactive imagination when you were right in front of him!
Xavier looks at you, a nervous twitching of his lips at the corner. You wet your own subconsciously, hoping he doesn't notice.
There isn't much he doesn't notice, you've come to realize.
His gaze falls down to the motion, then away, his lips tilting further up. Your stomach flips, your chest hot. You're so transparent, aren't you?
"Join me?" He offers, tilting his head towards the book, and you're relieved by how he doesn't mention it. You were still…adjusting, to all this. To what you were finally, fully allowing yourself to want. "I can show you some of my favorites."
The idea of Xavier personally recommending—no, sharing—his favorite poems with you has you nearly swooning, and any response gets stuck in your throat. So instead, you make a very eloquent noise that might sound like you got a piece of food lodged in your throat, and hurry towards the chair on the other side of the table.
But you pause when Xavier stands and beats you to it. And not only that, but he tugs the chair over to his side of the table, until there's hardly any space between them.
He stays standing, gesturing for you to sit, and you squeak out like you're still choking on that imaginary piece of food before sinking down into the seat.
When Xavier sits back down, you feel the press of his hoodie sleeve against the bare skin of your arm. Your mind takes off like a plane gaining speed and lifting into the air because he's warm, so warm, and the fabric is soft. He must use a fabric softener, and it smells good too; fresh, like laundry right out of the dryer. There's no more teenage deodorant scent, but something subtle, deeper—is he wearing cologne? Does he usually? Or does he just naturally smell like fucking flower fields and angels?
Okay, chill, you tell yourself, taking a slow, deep breath.
But you think you still see a little stain on the front pocket of his hoodie from your coffee you spilled on him that first day you saw him again (so many years later but it still felt like the first time he caught your eye, every time feels like the first time) and you should feel bad you ruined it. But somehow, in some strange way, it feels like a tangible mark you've left on him, and something possessive but warm curls up in your chest.
You jump when you hear your name, falling gently from his lips. Your cheeks feel too hot when your attention goes first to those lips, transfixed by them yet again. They look even softer than his hoodie, his hair, but his eyes. Oh god his eyes are warm, gentle and you're so down bad to an even worse degree now that it's not even funny.
Those full lips curve up under your attention, one side tilted up more than the other. It's a familiar, sly look, like when he slid that smutty book across the table to you the first time you sat here together. Some impossible cross between an innocent smile and knowing smirk. And when you catch his eyes and see that same spark of mischief, you jump, your full wits finally snapping back to you.
"Sorry!" You breathe again, laughing shyly. You duck your head down, turning your attention to the book. "I don't mean to just stare." This time.
"You don't have to be sorry."
He sounds so genuine and you know how much he is now. It has your heart racing, hands curling into fists in your lap, mimicking the knot of nerves that stubbornly persist in your stomach. It's an exhilarating feeling, being this close to him, now more than ever.
"You can keep looking at me," Xavier whispers to you, like he was telling a secret. "However much you want."
His expression is wide-open when you do, and his eyes crinkle at the corners with his smile.
"Ah," he sighs. "There."
Xavier's eyelashes tremble, glancing down at your lips when you bite them. You don't delude yourself now that he hasn't been looking at them every time you've bitten them for weeks, and your face is so hot you feel like you're about to burst into flames.
The longing in your chest stretches out even further, and it tugs on you, like an invisible string that ties you to him. Begging you to close the distance between you now that it's gotten even shorter. In the library, of all places, hidden in this little golden alcove among the shelves of dusty pages and worn ink.
But you like him, you like him so much, and he's looking at you in a way nobody else ever has. In a way you may have missed every time you looked away, all those years ago. Like he's been waiting just as long, and when you think of last night again, you almost cave, the words kiss me dancing on the tip of your tongue.
But then Xavier looks away with a growing smile. He brushes his fingers over his lips, pressing them against his mouth, and yours tingle.
Wordlessly, he pulls the book between you, one page before each of you. His arm presses against yours, more firm now, and you go from tense to relaxed in seconds. His presence is steady, reassuring, and it's the most confusing contrast to how your heart is still racing at a mile a minute.
"There's one I want to show you," Xavier says, taking the pages into his hands sections at a time.
He flips through the book quickly, not looking at page numbers as much as he's moving on instinct. His fingertips trace the edges of each page, feeling out the place he's looking for by touch, memory alone.
Xavier flips backwards a couple pages, and nods.
"Here."
He pushes the book a little more in your direction so you can see the whole poem clearly. You take in the title: When You Are Old, the namesake of the collection, and glance from it to his expectant face.
Xavier smiles a little, and leans his head in closer, until his bangs just barely brush your forehead. His smile grows a fraction when you inhale a quick, quiet breath, before he looks back towards the page.
"When you are old and grey and full of sleep," he starts reciting from the page, and oh, this is the end of you. A very happy end, honestly—lightning could strike you right here and now and you'd feel eternally at peace with the low, melodic lilt of his voice with the rhythm of the poem. "And nodding by the fire, take down this book."
You tear your attention from him back to the book then, soaking in the words he quietly recites:
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
Yeah, you'd have to call Zayne again because your heart truly couldn't take this.
You watch Xavier's finger find the next few lines, tracing the words. He doesn't seem to be tracking it, as the way he reads this sounds more and more like he could do it in his sleep. You've caught him tracing his page once before while reading, and wonder if it's a habit of his; revering the words, soaking them in. Trying to touch something intangible, make it real.
He was like you, that way.
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
When he goes to read the second half of the stanza, you just barely catch the hitch in his breath. His voice goes quieter, hard to hear even in the relative silence of the library. You find yourself drawn in, naturally leaning further into him.
"But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you," Xavier breathes out, the warmth of it grazing your cheek. You read along with each word that falls from his lips, "And loved the sorrows of your changing face."
He pauses for a breath. His arm twitches a little where it's pressed to yours, and his gaze is heavy on your face, but you find you can't find the courage to look at him just yet.
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
For one brief, strange moment, you feel so very far away. Like it has taken a long time to get here. Like you were always meant to come.
You blink it away and see Xavier smiling shyly towards you, but not quite meeting your eye. His fingers retrace the last stanza, and his bangs cover his eyes when he leans forward. But you do notice, with a flip of your stomach, that the tips of his ears have gone bright red.
If time was kind, you think distantly, it would never move on from this moment.
Swallowing thickly, you finally manage to say, "It's very lovely."
Xavier looks back up at you. There's almost a…glow, in how his eyes light upon you. It must be the sunlight behind him, casting a halo effect around his hair as well. He looks very much like that distant star you'd always seen him as.
Except now, that distance isn't so far. He looks so real, and you're tempted to reach out, to feel the heat of his pink cheeks against your hands.
You don't, not yet. But you think, like many things, he can tell exactly what you were thinking anyway.
Xavier sounds breathless, a little lost when he agrees, "It is."
It's funny, how when you first came home, you were going crazy with how Xavier seemed to be everywhere you went. And now, only weeks later, here you were, seeking him out at each place you knew he'd be.
And the best part was that the urge to see each other again was mutual.
Monday night, as you were getting to settle into bed with Xavier's favorite book of poems (he'd insisted you checked it out, eager to hear your thoughts about them next Monday), your phone chimed with an invitation to stop by the high school on Thursday, when he'd be helping coach the fencing team's practice.
The few days separating you from that time feel impossibly long. You fill it by spending some extra time with Gramps, watching his favorite TV shows with him. It's a comforting pastime, listening to his chuckles and dry comments, and you sink farther into the familiar, worn cushions of the couch.
You drift off for a while like that, and wake up with an extra blanket tucked around you. One you wrestle out of in order to get him some water and his medication. You've found that he has a harder time dodging your request when you hand them directly to him and give him a look.
You also manage to get together with Harper on Wednesday afternoon, and she tugs you along to a new, surprisingly trendy boutique a few doors down from Jeremiah's shop.
You stop and jump up and down outside his windows on the way, striking poses until Harper joins in too, and you both get his attention. His watering can slips forward when he finally notices you, nearly drowning some poor, yellow chrysanthemums as his face twists in a laugh you can hear clearly in your mind, even outside the building.
He practically drags you in and doesn't let you leave before a little conversation that turns long, especially when it's both certified yappers Jeremiah and Harper together. He pawns off a few plants to you both while you're out the door: a little succulent that's seen better days for you to nurture, and some sunflowers for Harper, a long-time favorite of both her and her mother's.
At the boutique, you make some much needed updates to your wardrobe, thanks to Harper's enthusiastic insistence and the fact that your last paycheck was a fun one. Your fingers graze the fabric of a flowy dress that stops just above the knees, lingering on the little blue flowers speckled throughout the design.
She doesn't even have to try and convince you to get that one.
When Thursday finally rolls around, it's not the dress you wear, since you want to keep saving it for something a bit more special. You do put on some of your other new clothes, feeling much more refreshed somehow just by wearing them.
After making sure Gramps had everything he needed, you head out the door with more confidence than you've felt in a while. Tucked inside the tote bag you carry with you, wrapped up carefully in a purple Tupperware container, is the product of Gramps' and your hard work in the kitchen just the night before.
"I hope he likes it," you had murmured to yourself as you rearranged the last few strawberry slices on top of the cake slices again.
You made a point to ignore the warm, knowing chuckle beside you, and shooed him out of the kitchen before he could even think to stand on his feet for too long and do the dishes.
Pulling your car into the high school's parking lot brings forth a host of feelings you're not sure how to digest. It's been years, and you suddenly feel those years as you cut the ignition, watching a group of teenagers running, shrieking and laughing about something that they'd probably forget about when they got as old as you.
Not that you were old, but it suddenly felt like it as you hold the tote bag tight to you, walking through the main entrance. You head down the halls that were emptying out after school hours, treading a familiar path towards the gymnasium.
If you slow down a little bit when you pass your old locker, and even slower while passing Xavier's a few more down—wondering how many times you had missed him looking at you, right here in this spot—well, who's to blame you for the rush of nostalgia?
You hear the sound of sneakers scuffing the vinyl floors, echoing from the wide-open doors as you near the gym. Peeking your head in, you glance over the small group of students going through fencing drills, touches and parries that you're surprised you recognize, even years later.
It doesn't take you long to see Xavier, it never does. He's demonstrating something to a student with a sabre. A technique for a parry, it looks like, before he hands it back to the kid, who nods with determination and eyes glowing with admiration for their coach. Xavier nods back with a faint smile, exuding patience and kindness even across the room, and you smile.
There's a little shuffle of movement near you as a couple of the students notice you. The confusion ripples from them to another pair, a quiet din of conversation and distraction among the group that quickly reaches Xavier.
He turns towards where you linger in the doorway, and his smile grows, eyes lighting up. When he swiftly makes his way towards you, you hear the conversations growing in excitement, curious eyes fixed to you.
You hear girlfriend a few times from the kids closest to you, and when Xavier stops in front of you, smiling and cheeks tinted pink, you feel both incredibly shy and also not at all eager to correct anybody who thinks so.
"Hey," you wave, adjusting the strap of your tote bag.
"Hi," Xavier grins a little, brushing his bangs from his eyes, and gestures towards your bag. "Do you want me to take that for you?"
"Oh, no, that's okay."
You sway on your feet, hands clasped in front of you, and Xavier watches your excited movement, blue eyes shining bright.
You lean forward, feeling bold in your new clothes, and with time to think about this beautiful thing growing between you. Especially through all the increasingly flirty texts exchanged with him this week.
And maybe you're also feeling a little conspiratorial, a bit mischievous with what everybody in the room is thinking about you two right now.
"I have a surprise, you see, and I don't want it to be ruined."
There's keen interest in Xavier's eyes, his smile shifting into that sneaky little smirk that makes your heart skip a beat. "You think I'd ruin it?" His lips jut out in a playful pout, and you cover your mouth to hide your sickeningly lovesick smile.
"I think," you start slowly, rubbing your finger over your chin before pointing at him. "That you're a lot more devious than you let on, Xavier."
He shifts from foot to foot, rubbing the back of his neck. He manages to look a little bit bashful at your accusation, but the curved corner of his lips when he ducks his head down tells you he's also unashamed by being caught in it.
You shake your head, affection warming you from the inside out, and point towards the bleachers.
"I'll hang out until it's break time," you offer. "And then you'll get to be thoroughly surprised."
"Thoroughly," Xavier repeats.
"Thoroughly," you confirm, nodding, and he nods back.
"Okay." He watches you turn, halfway to the bleachers before he announces to the group unceremoniously, "It's break time," and your laugh is more joyful than you recognize when it echoes through the gym.
Contrary to Xavier's stubborn insistence and frequent pouts, the fencing team's main coach does not allow for an immediate break. So you get to watch as Xavier, brows pinched and frowning, insists on a demonstration bout between them instead.
"Why is Coach Shen trying so hard today?" a girl whispers to her friend, on the front of the row of bleachers that you sit in the back of. You hadn't even realized when you went right for the same spot you'd always sat in for his matches, not until he gets into position for the demonstration, and you're struck with intense déjà vu. "He always does these with, like, less than half-energy."
"Oh, come on," her friend sighs, nudging her. "You know why."
They both glance back towards you and then spin away, giggling to themselves as your face warms.
You feel a little silly for clapping when Xavier moves so swiftly, gaining another point from an elegant touch against the other coach. You feel less silly when the students oo and ahh and clap along, and even more shy when Xavier's eyes immediately find yours again, like they have after each point he gains.
The other coach snorts, pushing their ponytail off their shoulder. "Quit showing off, Shen," they accuse.
Xavier's wide eyes are the perfect picture of innocence when he refutes, "I'm just showing."
And then his eyes narrow, immediately locking in as he presses the advance for another point, and it shouldn't be as damn attractive as it is but it is.
Especially when he shoots you a satisfied smirk that time.
Once a break finally comes, the students disperse to hydrate, and snack, and try to make it not look so obvious as they watch Xavier join you on the bleachers.
"How'd I do?" Xavier isn't out of breath in the slightest, even with the way his bangs stick to his forehead with a thin sheen of sweat from the practice bout.
You laugh a little, teasing gently, "Come on, do you need me to say it?"
His lips twitch, and he rubs the back of his neck. A little shy, a little proud. "I'd like to hear you say it."
Your throat feels thick, and you force yourself to swallow, busying your fidgeting hands by rifling through your tote bag.
"Well, I think you're brilliant," you admit quietly, not missing the hitch in Xavier's breath at your sudden, unguarded honesty. "But I think you already know I do, as much as you know how good you are."
You glance at him from the corner of your eye, and this time, his wide eyes look genuine. The flush from exertion on his face deepens, spreading down his neck, and you smile.
"Oh." Xavier scratches idly at his ear, blinking. "Thank you."
You'll have to make an effort to keep building your confidence, just to tease him more. Most the time he was the one flustering you, and you loved it, but this—seeing him blush so readily at your praise, smiling to himself when you do, the way you do when he's the bold one—was a real addiction.
"And now," you say, hands wrapping around the Tupperware in your bag. "Prepare to be surprised."
You present the strawberry shortcake with a flourish and a ta-da! that has Xavier perking up instantly, eyes lighting up.
"I didn't forget," you say, pulling out a couple paper plates and plastic forks to slide the cake onto. "And I wanted you to be able to taste how good the strawberries are."
You hand him his plate, then reach back into your bag, feeling around blindly for the napkins.
"So?" you ask, smiling in triumph to yourself when you find them. "Are you surprised?"
When you look back at him, his face is already stuffed with cake, about half of the slice already missing. He flushes a little more when you laugh once in surprise.
Xavier swallows, nodding in thanks when you pass him the napkin to dab at the crumbs on his mouth. That mischief is back in his gaze when he says, "Thoroughly."
You giggle, knees turning towards him, and he follows your position, bumping his just slightly against yours. He pulls back, but does it again every now and then as you talk.
And you talk. The words are starting to come easier now, and he listens as attentively as he did at Jeremiah's shop, giving as much back to you as he did at the party. You still feel the tingles of excitement, maybe even stronger now—you didn't know if you'd ever stop feeling them, not for a long time.
But the apprehension you'd once felt around your crush was steadily melting off you in waves. You felt comfortable with Xavier, especially since that night under the fairy lights, the night everything had changed.
Because he wasn't just some crush now. He wasn't a daydream anymore. He wasn't the Xavier Shen, idolized in your youthful infatuation.
He was Xavier. Just Xavier, painfully human in how he eats so much and so fast that he looks like a bunny with his cheeks puffed out. Tangible in every brief brush of his knees against yours, wanting to be close like you do. Not quite sure how to breach the distance yet, but growing closer.
He's never seemed so real s he does now, in the things he reveals to you about himself, bit by bit to unravel a larger picture you'd always wondered at.
In a brief lull in conversation, as you eat the last slice of strawberry on your plate, you start to think about the party again, of the heavy words you'd confessed to him. You think of your way through, and then, a little farther out: a sunlit little apartment, two seats at a kitchen counter, sharing a plate of strawberry shortcake fresh out of the oven.
You blink it away. It's still much too soon for any of that, you know that.
But before you can stop yourself, you ask in a rush, "Have you ever wanted to leave?"
Xavier blinks at you, head tilted in confusion, not following.
"Town, I mean." You clarify, and chew nervously on the inside of your cheek.
"Oh."
Xavier scratches at his neck again. Something you're learning he does when he's uncertain, or thinking things over.
"I…" He looks at you, his shoulders stiff. His face seems more closed off than before, but glancing over your face, he must find something that eases up that tension a little. "I think I'd like to travel."
You perk up at this new bit of information. "Really? Where to?"
"Anywhere," he answers quickly, and then blinks, shying away a little. "All around the world, I mean."
"No place in particular?"
Xavier hums thoughtfully. He looks up and away from you, picturing something you couldn't see. "Not really. I think I'd like to just walk, for a long time. To go wherever I want, and see things nobody else has."
He stops, glancing at you briefly. He's still a little unsure, and it makes your heart ache. Has he never told anyone this before? Has anybody made him feel guilty if he did? "Does that make sense?"
"Yeah." You nod, smiling warmly at him, and he relaxes completely. "It sounds really nice. I didn't know you had such an adventurous soul."
His lips quirk up in half a smile, eyes catching onto yours. He leans in, more confident, "I'd like to go to college, too." You lean in too, happy to hear more about him, that he was sharing it with you. He continues, quieter, "I burned out after high school. My father hated it. But I think I'd like to go, someday. Just for me. For the things I want to keep learning about."
Your knee presses against his, gentle, reassuring. When you pull it back, his follows for another brief touch.
"What do you want to study?"
Xavier huffs out a quiet breath. "Don't laugh."
You arch a brow, then frown. "Why would I laugh at you?"
He stills, eyes widening a little at your genuine confusion. Then he softens. "You wouldn't," he realizes aloud; quiet, in wonder. Clearing his throat, he reveals, "I'd like to major in astrophysics."
You nod slowly, taking it in, filing it away with all the other things you've learned about him. "So, science about space?"
He nods, and you smile.
"It suits you," you say warmly, thrilled when he blushes. "Tell me more."
Xavier's eyes light up, two stars fixed on you as he starts telling you the basics on it, gaining in quiet enthusiasm as you listen and ask questions.
You'd always known he was smart, acing all his classes, but you also knew he tended to catch a lot of naps in them. So to hear him talk about something he was so clearly knowledgeable about, and realizing that he was studious in academics as much as he was a lover of literature and poetry; it was as attractive as his fencing prowess, if not more.
And when the break is over, and his brows furrow in irritation, frowning and nearly sulking at having to go back to coaching, he's suddenly so painfully human and real that you're endeared to him more than ever before.
"Did you go to school with Xavier?"
You're loitering around the doors as practice clears out, when the other coach, Morgan, stops next to you. Xavier's still talking to a couple of students as they pack up, answering their questions, and you look away from him at the question.
"Yeah, we were in the same class."
Morgan nods slowly, glancing back towards Xavier with you. They laugh a little, like they're wondering about something, or realizing it.
"Mm, makes sense." They nod to themselves again, and then consider you. "I always wondered if there was one that got away."
Your mind freezes, and you blink.
"Huh?"
They smile a little at your blank expression. "I've seen him lingering in the hallways a few times after practice. Not at the trophies, like I would've expected from somebody who won so many competitions in school." They shake their head. "He stops at a locker. I asked him once if it was his." They wave with their hand a little, like gesturing to something further down. "He said no, and pointed to one a few away. That one was his."
Oh, you think, heart racing, mind spinning, your very soul aching. Oh, Xavier.
He's walking up to you now, smiling, footsteps picking up a little when he glances from you towards his co-coach. Morgan waves goodbye to you both before heading out the doors.
"Ready to go?" Xavier asks when he stops in front of you.
You nod, but your mind feels far away again when you hum, "Mhm."
You walk the silent halls with him, something you had never done back in school. There was only the time he carried you to the nurse's office, and you think of the squeak of his sneakers against the floor, how he couldn't meet your eyes when he gave you your favorite drink.
You look at him now, side by side, and think of the pale yellow sweater of his uniform, his gaze finding yours each and every time you admired him.
He looks back at you now, older, so much older and so are you, and yet you didn't forget. Neither of you forgot.
By some old instinct, your footsteps naturally slow when you pass by your old lockers again. You think of sliding letters into his before hurrying back to yours. You think of him stopping here throughout the years, caught in the passing thought of you.
He's always thought of you.
The back of your fingers brush against his. You don't know who reached out first, or if it was another instinct, a pull of gravity.
Your fingers twitch, but you don't pull away. And when you don't, Xavier's index finger grazes yours again.
You look at the places you'd stood at so long ago, when neither of you did a thing about it.
You stand where you are now, and Xavier's finger hooks around yours. It's long, and warm, and a little callused from all those years of fencing. It's also gentle, almost tentative in how loose it is, before you curl your finger back around his.
Neither of you let go.
You're not exactly sure of how you got here. It felt like a rush, from the moment you left your alma mater together, the slow walk back to your car. How he didn't let go of your finger, and you didn't let go of his.
You made no move to unlock your door. The goodbye to say hello again waits to be shared between you, but neither of you have the heart to say it.
"Are you still hungry?" you ask instead, and Xavier's eyes light up.
"Almost always," he says immediately, only half-joking, and smiles when you laugh.
He smiles so much, now. More than you've ever seen him, more than you can count.
And now you're seated in a booth at the old diner you and Gramps used to always go to for big occasions; celebrating progress down another road to recovery after a surgery, your high school graduation. You came here with Harper and Aarya sometimes too, and distinctly remembered one occasion during Senior year where Jeremiah hopped into your booth out of nowhere, and yelped when Aarya accidentally kicked him in surprise.
You enjoy your grilled sandwich, a bit of a healthier choice for your heart than the massive burger Xavier had already eaten half of.
"I didn't know you had such a big appetite," you muse aloud, and Xavier blushes a little.
He swallows a bite, and takes a sip of the strawberries and cream milkshake he'd ordered. Your own strawberry one is already mostly finished beside you.
"I like meat," he admits simply, and shrugs a shoulder.
"Mm. And fries," you note, glancing pointedly at the few left on his place. "And strawberry shortcake."
Xavier pouts a little, but it's as teasing as your words. "You tempted me with the cake."
"I surprised you."
"Yes, thoroughly," he replies without missing a beat, nodding seriously, and you both break and laugh a moment later. It's a stupid, silly joke, but it's yours and his and you love it.
"Well," you say slowly, then distract yourself with chewing another bite of your sandwich before admitting, almost under you breath, "I think it's cute."
Xavier hears you, though, judging by how still he goes. When you dare a glance up at him, his eyes shift. He leans in, his voice lowering with his lashes, hardly missing a beat when he says, "I think you're cute."
You try to swallow down the squeak of surprise that almost escapes you at the sudden flirting. Even though you were getting more used to this, he still did it so out of the blue sometimes, so boldly that you couldn't help but react so strongly.
He watches you flounder around a little, pulling your glass closer to yourself only to loudly suck up nothing from your straw. He doesn't even hide his smile at the reaction he'd gotten from you. No, he seems to revel in it, chin propped up in his palm. Warm. Satisfied.
"Cute," he whispers again, more to himself than you, and you bite back another embarrassing noise.
You let out a sigh instead, the sound fluttering from you.
"Oh, stop," you mutter with no heat, shifting in your seat. You drop your face in your hands, mumbling into them. "You make me feel all flustered."
"Really?" Xavier hums, a glint of pride in his eyes. That same mischief that has your pulse skittering each time it appears. But it's…deeper.
Satisfied, you think again. Then you remember the text from earlier that week: Tell me more about how sweet I am.
"Wicked," you whisper again. There's that spark in his gaze again, darkening, and you laugh breathlessly, shaking your head. "Oh, you know you do."
He chuckles, inhales softly. But he doesn't push it.
It's a pattern you're starting to learn, a dance that he does. Getting close, closer, teasing and watching for your reaction. He waits for it, then he pulls back, just a little, but keeps you revolving around him.
Each time, you get closer.
Each time, it's not quite close enough.
But this time, his knee gently presses against yours under the table.
Unlike in the gym, he keeps it there, a constant point of contact that has heat licking up your spine. You meet his searching gaze, and when you smile at him, he puts his arms on the table, leaning closer, nails picking at some writing carved into the table.
"I like when you look at me like that," Xavier admits quietly, warmth coating his words, shining from his gaze.
You hold your breath, your voice barely a whisper, "Like what?"
His head tilts slightly. His eyes flicker all over your face, and settle back on your gaze. Fixated by it.
"Like no time has passed." His gaze trembles, drops down to your parted lips, then drags back up to your eyes. "Like I'm still what you want."
All you can think is, is he going to kiss you? Now? Here?
Xavier's lips twitch, a barely noticeable desire to smirk, but you're learning his tells. You see him realize what you're thinking, the glint in his eyes before he turns his face away.
He grabs the stem of his glass, drawing the milkshake between you. He plucks your straw from your finished glass into his.
"Help me finish this," he says casually, and you don't know if you want to strangle him, or hook your arms around his neck and pull him in right here, right now.
All you do know is that you're trying very hard not to stare across the short distance, at his plush lips as they wrap around his straw.
And you know that he isn't trying hard at all to hide how he stares at yours.
WOWZERS this was so good!! also happy belated birthday starry!!! but yeah omg i love how cute and flirty this fic was. i love seeing the two of them growing closer. and i love how direct xavier is being here!!! like yes pookie make me flustered. i think the imagery here really makes you feel how tangible xavier is. not morgan casually dropping some life-changing lore.
i love this line i think it's very funny like you get my humour yk: Or does he just naturally smell like fucking flower fields and angels? i also really like how you're like 'i'll surprise you during the break' and then not two seconds later he's like 'it's break time!' ahhhhhhhh
a/n: hihi!! as decided by my poll here is the Xavier comfort I promised #democracy, this started as a very self indulgent thought bc I had a horrible month last month but we are #up now !!! okay enough yap I hope u all enjoy and I hope this comforts at least one of u and makes u feel better <33 any thoughts and comments are v appreciated :3
warnings/tags: xavier x reader, lots of fluff, hurt/comfort, mentions of spiraling and general sadness, not eating/taking care of self, xavier being a good bf, kind of early relationship, I think that's everything !
wc: 2.0k
masterlist
It was one of those months. The ones where your late night thoughts slowly get too comfortable in the daylight, pestering you while the sun shines on your skin, even when you’re trying to ignore them as you talk to a coworker. The kind of month where you tell yourself ‘I just have to get through this week’ every single week. The kind of month that tears you down until you feel like there’s no end in sight.
Xavier had noticed the bags under your eyes, he noticed how forced your smile was when talking to the others in the office. Most of all he noticed the way you barely spoke to him, where usual rambles and rabbit holes would be, he was met with short sentences, tight smiles and early goodbyes.
He didn’t push, he never did. He waited patiently, gave you gentle reminders of him always being available when it came to you. He listened as you gently rejected his third attempt at getting you out of your apartment to go somewhere that wasn't work.
“I have some vegetables that are about to go bad, maybe next time?” you smiled at him gently, it didn't reach your eyes. Xavier felt his heart tug, giving you a small smile and nodding as the elevator doors opened to your floor.
“You know where I'll be if you change your mind,” he replies quickly, you give him another tired smile before exiting the elevator. Xavier lets out a sigh as the doors close behind you, shutting his eyes and tilting his head back against the cool metal until the small ‘ding’ pulls him out of his mind.
The second your apartment door closes behind you there's tears welling in your eyes, a deep emptiness that seems to only grow the harder you try to ignore it. You ignore the hot tears that make their way down your cheeks, tuning out the pathetic hiccups that leave your lips as you take your shoes off with shaky hands and place your keys on the countertop.
Through blurry eyes you make it to your kitchen, taking a sip of water and before walking past your empty fridge and straight to your bedroom. You barely have it in you to peel your uniform off you, and if it weren’t for the grime on it you wouldn’t have bothered.
You pick out the first shirt you find, pulling it over your head and immediately curling under your covers, broken sobs leaving your body as your arms curl around yourself tighter.
I just have to get through this week
For a second your mind blanks, when will it ever end?
Your thoughts make you feel worse, eyes screwing shut tighter than before as you whimper. You let yourself spiral, mind running rampant, you don’t have it in you to try and calm yourself down.
Xavier notices the slight puffiness of your eyes the next day at work, he notices the prominent dark circles under them when you turn to face him. You give him a small smile, no glimmer in your eyes whatsoever. It makes him worry.
“Hey starboy,” you mumble softly, you sounded exhausted.
“Hi starlight,” he replies, stepping closer to you, enough for you to tear your gaze from your computer screen. “Are you feeling alright?” Xavier almost regrets his words when he sees your bottom lip tremble for a second, watching as you suck in a shaky breath before giving him a curt nod.
“Just tired,” you reply, trying to reassure your lover before you turn your attention back to the screen.
Xavier hums and lingers for a second before he finally turns to leave your desk, b-lining to find Tara in the break room.
“Tara, have you spoken to Y/N lately?” she jumps at his words, quickly turning around and almost spilling her coffee in the process.
“Xavier! You scared me! You really shouldn’t sneak up on people making hot coffee,” she laughs nervously, “I talked to her the other day, she seemed upset but didn’t want to talk about it.” Tara looks down at the liquid in her cup, “I didn’t push, I figured she wants to be left alone, y’know since she’s independent and all that,” she shrugs her shoulders.
“Has she mentioned anything else to you?” Xavier asks, head cocked slightly to the side.
Tara shakes her head, “nothing, I’ve been messaging her to join me on errands or lunch and stuff and she doesn’t even reply,” she sighs, “I even tried baiting her into joining me grocery shopping so she can get something in her fridge but she just flat out silenced my notifications.”
Xavier furrows his brows at her words, you had an empty fridge? The cogs in Xavier’s head slowly click into place, excusing himself and thanking Tara for her help before he heads to the store.
You follow your same routine, barely closing your door before the hollow feeling in your chest consumes you. Hot tears in your eyes as you take your shoes off, sitting on your couch with your head in your hands as you cry. You’re not sure how much more you can take.
I wanna go home, the thought flickers in your mind, making another sob leave your lips as you wipe your tears. The footsteps of your upstairs neighbor make you go quiet.
Home.
Your shaky fingers find Xavier’s contact in no time, quickly dialing it and pressing your phone up to your ear, sniffling.
Xavier answers before the first ring could finish, basket in hand and closing the front door of his apartment. “Hi starlight,” he says softly, locking the door and walking down the hallway. He hears your sniffling before he hears your voice, he wills himself to take the elevator instead of teleporting to your living room.
“Can you- Do you think you can come over?” your voice breaks on the last word, and Xavier is grateful there’s no one else on the elevator to see the lights flicker as soon as he steps into it.
“I’ll be there in a second, my star,” his gentle words make you want to cry harder.
You let yourself sob as the call ends, curling in on yourself and letting your thoughts run wild. You couldn’t even deal with this yourself, how embarrassing. Your chest aches, the pit in your stomach growing as the knot in your throat shows no signs of leaving you soon.
There’s three gentle knocks on your door before it’s unlocked, followed by your favorite sound in the world, “starlight? I’m coming in okay?” The door opens slowly, Xavier immediately sees you curled on the couch, face buried in a pillow as your body shakes. He feels his stomach churn at the sight.
He’s at your side in a second, placing the basket by his feet and wrapping his arms around you. The comfort makes you cry even harder, twisting your body to bury your face in his chest, gripping the fabric of his black hoodie like it was your lifeline.
Xavier holds your tightly, rubbing your back and gently comforting you, soft, ‘I know, I’m right here’s and ‘let it out, I’m sorry’s make your chest grow tighter. Xavier always smelt like clean laundry and warm musk, you feel your heart get a little lighter the longer you’re in his arms.
“Deep breaths, I’m right here,” he whispers, never rushing you, never asking what happened. Slowly, your tears stop flowing, your sobs are reduced to scattered sniffles, but your grip never loosens. Your eyes open slowly, and you can’t help but feel embarrassed when you see the giant wet patch on your boyfriend's hoodie.
Xavier’s eyes never leave you, watching as you slowly pull away from him, finally looking at him for the first time since he’d arrived. He offers a small smile, “better?”
You nod in response. Your breath hitches slightly when his thumb wipes away your stray tears, sapphire eyes still staring at you like the most beautiful thing in the universe.
“‘m sorry,” you mutter out, still sniffling as you rub your eyes to get any last stray tears. Xavier frowns, brows downturned as his eyes somehow soften even more, one finger under your chin and he gently lifts your face.
“Why are you apologizing?”
You shrug your shoulders, “getting like this, crying and getting boogers on your hoodie,” you let a small sigh, “I know I should be able to deal with this on my own, and I really tried to but- I don’t know, I’m sorry,” your bottom lip trembles again. Xavier’s frown only deepens at your words, watching as you avert your gaze from his own.
He opts to move his hand from your chin to your cheek, brushing the hot skin with his thumb, leaning in and placing a gentle kiss to your forehead.
“You never have to deal with anything on your own.” His words make your heart stutter, eyes welling with tears for a completely different reason this time. You let yourself rest your face in the crook of his neck, melting into him as he wraps his arms around you, one hand covering the back of your head. “No matter what it is, however big or small I will always be there to help you in any way that I can.”
“What if you can’t help me?” Your words are muffled against his skin.
“Then I’ll do everything in my power to find someone who can. I’ll stand by your side no matter what, you can use me as a punching bag or a shoulder to cry on or anything you might need. Whatever you want me to be, whatever you need me to be, I’ll be that.”
Another sob escapes your lips, grip tightening on your boyfriend. “Did I say something wrong?” concern laced in Xavier’s words as his brows furrow slightly, eyes wide. His body is tense, only relaxing when he feels you shake your head ‘no’ against him.
“How do you always know what to say?” you ask, moving your head from his neck and staring at him through your tears. “You’re too good for me,” the pout on your lips makes you look even more adorable, it makes Xavier want to kiss you silly.
He smiles at you, eyes crinkling slightly before reaching down and picking up the wicker basket he’d left at his feet. “For you, my star.”
A bouquet of your favorite flowers, snacks, a coloring book, a puzzle, and an envelope. Your mouth falls open slightly as you gasp, eyes watering again.
“Xav,” you whisper, looking at the silver haired man beside you. He only giggles, motioning for you to open the envelope.
It’s a card with a corny joke and a silly cat drawing on it, inside is his beautiful handwriting. Your heart pounds as you read his words, warmth filling the emptiness you’d felt previously. And then at the bottom of the letter:
Remember this is temporary, and when you feel like it’s not, I’ll remind you of the good, I’ll make you a sun to find the light
With all the love in the cosmos, your xavier
You smile at the words, finally looking up again and finding golden specs of light floating around the two of you. They light up your once dim apartment, converging slowly to make one large orb, flickering slightly and taking on an all too familiar shape.
“Any time you call for me, I’ll always run to you, my star,” Xavier whispers, his eyes haven’t left you for a second, taking in the way you seem to slowly get back your spark he loves so much.
You don't realize you're smiling as you stare at the makeshift sun in your living room. Even after isolating yourself, after trying to do it alone, after pushing him away for a month you'll never get back, Xavier is there. He will always be there, no matter how long he has to wait, no matter what he has to do, he always finds his way to your side.
You always find your way to him, you always let him in. Because maybe you can't get through this week, maybe tomorrow will be worse. But you rest assured, knowing there will always be a light waiting for you, knowing the sun will find you on the darkest days.
Xavier makes sure of it.
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