Like okay, 19th century painters, right? If you were gonna go back in time and get a portrait from someone the list is like this:
Renoir: MAYBE. He is a terrible draftsmen and actually the least technically skilled of the impressionists but sometimes he makes people look pretty. Other times he makes them look bruised. 50/50. Best not to go with him.
Manet: solid choice, edgy but not too edgy. Will use nice rich jewel tones. Put him on your list.
Monet: if you want an impressionist he's your guy. Pretty straightforwards. You will look good and there will be tons of sunlight.
Van Gogh: it'll be awesome but you might also be green and yellow. Literally. If you've always wanted to know what you'd look like with unnatural skin colors go for Van Gogh. Don't bother trying to pronounce his name just call him Vincent. Maybe give the poor guy some antidepressants. He's a delicate sad soul but desperately broke so tip him heavily. He will cry having made money on a painting. Also tell him to stop eating yellow paint. Definitely get a portrait from him.
Degas: you'll either be a ballerina or a prostitute. Maybe even both. Somehow there will be diagonal lines in your portrait. Consider it.
Moreau: are you a woman who wants to know what you look like through the eyes of a man who is literally terrified of women??? Then this guy is for you! You may be framed with sperm.
Klimt: like Moreau except with less misogyny and sperm and more gold. Good choice if you want to look like you could kill someone without ruining your #look. Happy to paint Jewish women. You will also be super comfy in his studio wearing big drape-y gown type things. Medium to high chance your portrait will be stolen by nazis. Go for it. You will look great.
Morisot: like a better Renoir. Seriously skip Renoir and have Morisot paint you instead. You will still look sweet and lovely. Consider it.
Gauguin: literally screw Gauguin. He was a pedophile. Your portrait might look nice but he's a gross jerk. If you want stupidly bright colors go get a portrait from Matisse or something at the turn of the century. You'll still have a high chance of being green but at least you don't have to go near a guy who left his wife and children to go prey on 14 year olds. Break his paintings over your knees and laugh at him.
Seurat: your face will be composed of thousands of tiny dots and you'll be used as some greater metaphor in an 80's teen movie and anyone who is colorblind will probably not get your portrait but optical illusions are always cool. Go for it.
Rossetti: ask yourself - do I have red hair? Do I want to sleep with Rossetti? If the answer is yes to both THEN get a Rossetti portrait done.
Cassatt: honestly a great choice for the people of tumblr, Cassatt is also really big on sprawling on couches as a general pose. She will do you a solid and you will laugh about how men usually screw up painting women.
Bouguereau: poor Bouguereau. Time has forgotten him and instead fallen in love with the rebellious impressionists. But in his day, HE was an ARTISTE of the ACADEMY!! He's got technical skill for days and you'll inevitably get a completed piece. You'll get a beautiful portrait it might just seem a little...polished. But hey, that's NOT a bad thing. Gotta respect his need to make money before he went wild with paint. Think about it.
William Merritt Chase: he's not a BAD painter it's just that sometimes he feels a bit like he could be someone else. There's a 40% chance you'll end up wearing a kimono. Maybe pass unless you want less drama than Whistler.
Egon Schiele: listen, no. Don't do it. There's like an 80% chance he will draw you masturbating with a creepy stare and yaoi hands.
Delacroix: sure he might be an orientalist painter and yes that's kind of awful but you gotta hand it to Delacroix: his "harem" women are all actually dressed in clothes and at least you know he can paint a skin color other than litebrite. Could meet a Jewish or Muslim sitter without having a total heart attack probably.
Millais: honestly get your portrait done by Millais solely for the purpose of pissing Charles Dickens off. Do you need any other reason? No.
Turner: he's a landscape artist ya walnut. The people he paints tend to be floating bodies in the water as a critique of slavery. Ask him to paint more social commentary. Maybe pass on as your portrait artist though.
Hiroshige: if you're not Japanese you're gonna be classed as a friggin weeaboo. Sorry those are the rules. But your portrait will be sweet.
Rosa Bonheur: ok like I really only remember her self portraits and cow paintings but she's a lesbian and if you wanna bond over hot ladies this is your woman. Who cares if she paints a cow instead? Not you! Do it.
Goya: pass unless you want to look dark and maybe slightly tortured. Ultimately you'll just be sad he's no Velasquez.
Ingres: the older Bouguereau basically. If you're super into neo-classicism or orientalist painting go for it. Otherwise skip it.
James Abbott McNeill Whistler: okay look - Whistler is a fantastic artist. He's amazing with colors and uses impressionist techniques without just cribbing off of Monet or something. All of his portraits are lovely, and you can't go wrong. Except there's like a 40% chance he'll never finish your portrait or will go broke painting it or will throw a tantrum at some point. He may or may not sleep with your wife. If he asks you if he can retouch a small thing in your house he will do it -- and then promptly continue to repaint everything and try and charge you for it all. If you yell at him he will later break into your house and paint giant gold fighting peacocks on your dining room wall, and then he'll tell you that without his additions to your decor you'd probably die forgotten but NOW people will remember you forever. Your normal interior decorator will see what Whistler has done to *HIS* room and then later be found lying curled up on the floor of his studio covered in gold leaf in the midst of a total breakdown. He will die three years later, never having recovered mentally. Also Whistler will go bankrupt and will paint you as a mean peacock if he owes you a lot of money. So you'll basically get a second portrait for free. Do it.
John Singer Sargent: honestly probably the best American Portrait artist of his era. You'll look amazing and he won't break into your house to paint peacocks or sleep with your wife. Get a Sargent portrait, you will not regret it.
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