Queenage Dirtbag

And let me tell you about my favourite thing Bella did, the memory of it hit me in the gut right now

I used to leave my bedroom door open when I went to the bathroom - it’s just straight down the hall - and Bella used to follow me and stand outside the bathroom door, and she would walk between my legs on our way back to the bedroom

(For context: I started closing the door when we had a cat move in. Bella hated cats. And then Bella turned blind so she stopped walking outside the lines of the carpets)

Honestly, that little bun was like a dog

I wish these games stopped giving challenges where coordination is a requirement!? I CAN do it just… not when my eyes don’t want to! (Thyroid issues are not fun, the eyes go dry out of nowhere)

I’ve also bought a stuffed animal (A BUNNY!) to my bun, Fride, who’s finally started sleeping next to it. I thought it might help keep her calm to have something soft (and no, there’s been no luck in finding an elderly bun in need of a new home, which is why I got her the toy)

iOS’s Reduce White Point and how easy it is to find

She says it’s “an early birthday present” but I know she’s trying to distract me from the emptiness and sadness of Bella’s passing

Bringing this out of the vault

Bella had been with me for ~3 months when this picture was taken

The first thing I did when I brought her and Elvis home, was putting them on my bed so they would get used to my scent

It worked so well that Bella HATED being away from me, even if I came back the same day

(This photo was taken with an iPhone 7 Plus, remember those? Heh)

Anyway, she liked me so much she used to sleep with my dirty laundry - my pyjamas were what she used in this photo

So I’ve spent several hours the past few days on the floor (because she’s not eating enough, neither am I, but we’re sad - dead bunny pass (our take on the “dead dad pass”))

Tonight, she came running at me, screaming (like a pig, if you’ve ever heard that) and when she bumped her nose into my face she started licking me

Like???

She screams like a pig when she wants something but she showed me she wants me??

Specifically how she needed a double dose of drugs to knock her out (before being put to sleep)

She heard my voice in the room and fought to stay with me

I always had a theory that she became as old as she did… because she wanted to be with me

Having seen what she did in the last moments of her existence, makes me believe she actually was here for that long just because of me

Bella was my baby. And I can’t explain to you how empty the world feels now (but I have to say: it feels weird. Losing Elvis left a gaping hole in my soul, so deep I doubt it’ll ever heal and Bella left me feeling the world is empty)

(And yes, I got my hair done today because I’m sad. I once got my ears pierced and a couple of other times I got tattoos. Sadness = change in my mind. Always has)

On my way from the hairdresser to a makeup store (figured I’d get some concealer while my mom was available to babysit my bun), people stared SO BAD

People literally stumbled over their own feet and walked into stuff because they hadn’t seen anyone with hair like mine

And closer to my neighbourhood I saw a man with his jaw on this shoulder while he turned his head to stare at me - he almost walked into a fence

It’s very fun

(I honestly feel the world is TOO CONSERVATIVE now and I want no part of it)