~ Random Thoughts ~

“Traveling allows you to create lasting memories that you can carry with you for the longest time. The funny thing is, it can also cause momentary disorientation. Well, at least for me. And that’s just my thought… Soon.“

I wrote that in 2019 while waiting at the airport for my flight home. It was my first time traveling outside the country—Vietnam. I still remember the thinking behind that post, though to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever actually sat down to write about it properly.

Anyway, seven years later, after just getting back from a trip to Taiwan and having recently turned 41, I thought I could finally write about it. A birthday, a new trip, a new entry.

Although I’m not much of an overseas traveler, I fly frequently for local trips. And from the minimal experience I’ve had over the past few years, I’ve realized that when you travel, you live in a different dimension temporarily. You learn that the world is bigger than you can imagine. You leave behind your regular life and live an entirely different one for a certain period of time. You experience new things, and in short, it disrupts your routine. Hence, the momentary disorientation.

From my experience, I’ve learned that the way you feel toward your "real" life as you prepare to return says a lot. It gives you something to think about. There were times after a vacation that helped me decide what to do next. There were moments where I got the validation I needed regarding a change I wanted to make.

You see, when you are about to go back—usually while waiting at the airport, sitting on the plane, or even during your final meal of the trip—you start thinking about the life you are returning to. Do I feel excited? Do I dread it? Does it make me sad, or happy?

November 23, 2025

In a world where there are no constant and change is inevitable, the way I have lived and living my life feels like I’ve been in the same place for all my life. When  I go through my journal, it feels like I have the same issues and dilemma. The questions I asked myself years ago are the same question I ask myself now, the only difference is that as you age you question less and start accepting life’s terms. You learn to be present and experience the moments of your life as they come in. I’ve always wonder if all people feel the same. Do they feel like the 20 years of their lives was lived in the same way, manner, and whatever term you can come up with that? How come I see people saying it’s funny how they think of their life years back and how different their lives now. And I don’t. 

I am looking for change. I am searching of something different. I still don’t know what to do with my life. And while I know and have come to accept that perhaps we will never get to figure out it all in our lifetime, I at least wonder if we will be able to get pass this feeling of ‘are we doing enough?’. Who knows. Oh well.

I am always searching. I wait and look.

Sitting here as I watch life passes me by.

I think of the years that have gone by.

The times when things are just simple.

Life was easy. Friends are here.

Laughter and fun is a constant thing in everyday life.

Now, it’s always the silence. 

And the only normal thing is me being myself all the time.

Alone. Sometimes lonely, other times peaceful.

But the searching never ends. My heart is always feeling something.

Looking for I don’t know what. 

Some days, I am happy. But most days, just okay. 

I wonder, as I watch these people, if they do feel the same way. 

Always takes me more time to process certain things. But eventually, the serious thinking mode kicked in.

It's been two days since I turned 37, and while I was supposed to be home by now, spontaneously I found myself sitting here in Starbucks, drinking my soy white chocolate mocha and enjoying a beachfront view. As I listen to my Spotify liked songs playlist, I have finally started my usual process of thinking things through. I am not sure what to make of this honestly. I seem to keep repeating to myself, "you’re 37," like it is becoming a habit. I mean, what does it really mean to be 37 anyway? Or to be 40 or any age for that matter? Why do we put too much meaning and importance on getting a year older? Or why do I? Now what do I do? Should I change something? Or do I need to do new things? Or maybe stop the bad stuff? I really don’t know. Why do I make things complicated? Does anyone really do or stop doing something?

One thing I know for sure is that I should keep on trying. And that I’ve been trying to do the best I can to make this blessing of life worth the gift. I know I can do better, but at the same time, I want to give myself credit because I know I’ve been trying hard, and the fact that I don’t think or even consider giving up an option is something to be proud of. I like my life, and every day I am liking it more and more. I know there’s so much more to it, but as always and for today, I will just sit here and enjoy this rare moment of peacefully watching the beauty of life as it unfolds right in front of my eyes.

I am officially joining the late 30s club, and I will not be myself if I don't have a say about this. I have been trying to come up with a list of the greatest lessons in life for the past years, and while I can claim I am able to share many, the weird part is it is not so easy to just come up with one. You see, what we know now is never going to be the end of it. There are just so many things in this world that we will never learn in our lifetime. The truth is, there is no finality about things in general. We discover, learn, and see things happen as we experience them. But as you walk through this life armed with an awareness that there is so much we don’t know and we will never know, it gives you a sense of freedom to be kind to yourself. It allows us to make room for mistakes and allowances for adjustments as part of the learning process. We are more open to changing our minds and beliefs without the fear of being crucified for it. Because as human beings, we change, we transform, and we mature. So if a time comes when something we initially believed is no longer what we believe, then we will be okay with it.

Yes, we can read many books and learn about the greatest lessons in life. We can ask numerous people and learn from their experiences. The things we can discover and learn are limitless. We live in the abundance of unlimited knowledge and learning. But for me, there is one thing I would like to be reminded of always, or the younger me would have loved to hear:

December 31, 2020

The year 2020 started with a lot of anticipation and high expectations. I, for one, had expected so much from this year. I can say I looked forward to this year not only because I was turning 35 but also because I wanted to feel something different. My worry about time passing by without my awareness made me determined to engrave whatever I can in my memory this year. I was expecting, hopeful, and overjoyed, which to me is not usual.

But the year, as we all know, took us all by surprise. In a nutshell, our lives have turned into a whole new level that none of us ever thought of. And just when we thought it would be over with the development and release of vaccines, a new variant is now threatening the world, and countries are starting to resume lockdowns again. I was no different from everyone else. But more than the new reality that we are all forced to accept, the journey of self-discovery has overtaken the fear of COVID, well at least that is what I can say in my case.

In hindsight, I think the year 2020 has served me exactly what I wished for. It’s one hell of a memorable year. So many of my plans did not push through. I mean, I wasn't really clear about what I wanted from this year for myself except I wanted it to be something I would not forget, and indeed, 2020 is one for the books.

In general, I feel nothing but gratitude. I am blessed. As cheesy as it sounds, and I can’t believe it’s coming from me, I really do feel that way. And most importantly, 2020 has led me back home. I found my way back home, and this is something I am saving for another entry.

So yes, I am doing this. Cliche as it may seem, Thank you 2020.

“Political awareness without activism means looking at the devastation, your face turned toward the center of things.” - Hope in the Dark, Rebecca Solnit

I am very much used to quiet living and always all positive vibes, a master of keeping my chill at best. However, my eyes have always been open, and my mind forever curious and questioning, not only about the things I don’t understand but also about the things that I perceive, at the very least, as not acceptable.

I may have my weird ways of reacting to certain things, in particular not publicly and mostly by displaying a poker face. But here's the thing: I am never silent or blinded. I need not publicize how I do things, and while I see the value of staying positive and hopeful, I need not experience firsthand before I earn my right to react. In life, we reach a certain point when we feel the need to express our frustrations. Not because we are directly suffering, but simply because we just don’t feel like we can take it anymore. And that is enough.

We see what is happening. We hear what’s going on. And yes, we must trust and hope. But alongside prayers and hope, we need to take action. It begins with us, by simply caring. Not because it starts to inconvenience us, but because we can't just sit this one out and rely on others to do the work. Until when will your privileges and silence protect you?

“I can see people deserving better from this life. We deserve better. There are un(fairness) in this world that just comes with living with it, but some, we can choose no to just take for what it is.”

I had told myself I would make something significant out of my 35th birthday. I had big plans, and while I'm not talking about a grandiose party, I just knew I wanted to make this day or year a big deal for myself. This is a milestone, and I wanted to remember this year with much happiness and joy. But then, so many things happened. We're not even in the middle of the year yet, but there’s already so much going on in the world today. With no certainty about the future, I am definitely feeling weird.

Anyway, I just don’t understand how one can really plan to feel something special on that particular day? Is this a normal thing to do? I think this is why I don’t really like celebrating birthdays. I cannot recall ever having special feelings on any of my birthdays, ever. Who does that? That is probably my forever birthday wish - aside from the one wish I really can make every year. I mean, I want to know how to feel special on my birthday. Why is the day you were born being celebrated? So really, why celebrate? Anyway, this is probably a question that one day I will be able to answer, or maybe not.

*answer: because you don’t, it’s the people who are supposed to make you feel special. 

So, as usual, what’s my point? Nothing much, I just wanted to document and be reminded of what I have become at 35. All I can say is, I am a person now. That I can truly say. I am a real person now, hence the expression "think like you’re 5." Remember when you see babies starting to grow and you say to yourself, "They are starting to look like a real person now"? Only mine is sort of figurative. This probably is the highlight of turning 35: being able to change my direction, choosing this path of being more of a human being, and taking everything in as best as I can.

Thank you to my early 30s for waking up and making a decision, and because of that, I am okay now. That alone is what really matters now, and I need not a list of any other achievements or assets I have now (because there isn't much anyway). And being okay with that counts for something. I have a better agenda now and will probably keep working on that. Just being subtly and silently nicer to anyone I (will) encounter in life. I’m good with that.

My next mission, prepare to say Hello 40, Goodbye 39. 

Madaming issues dapat isa isahin, pag usupan, at pagkasunduan. Pero ipaubaya na natin yan sa mga eksperto. Ako ito ang issue ko, mabuti pa ang banta kayang isakatuparan. Ganyan kalaki at kalawak ang kapangyarihan at impluwensya na bininigay natin sa isang tao. Pero ang mga magagandang pangako, na mangunguna sa laban at na sasamahan ka kung magka-gipitan, kapang nangyari na, wala na. Mapapakanta ka na lang, Nasaan na?? Wala din naman talagang kasiguraduhan, madalas tiwala lang, na sana yung pagbibigay natin ng kapangyarihan sa mga taong nilalagay natin sa posisyon eh iisipin tayo, ang kapakanan at makabuti sa nakarami. Pero kadalasan hindi ito ang nangyayari. So ganun na lang? Ganun na lang ba yun? Tiis tiis na lang? Hanggang kailan?

Hindi po ito pagrereklamo. At hindi lamang ito tungkol sa usapin at laban ng isang network. Kung tutuusin, madali akong pagsabihan. Ano bang pinaglalaban ko? Apektado ka ba? Naghihirap ka ba? Nagugutom ka ba? Siguro nga yung epekto sakin ng lahat ng mga nangyayari ay walang kasing bigat kung ikumpara sa mga taong nahihirapan. Pero ito ang masasabi ko, bakit? Para sa ating komportableng namumuhay sa gitna ng krisis, sapat na bang manatiling positibo lamang? Siguro nga ayos lang ako, pero kapag may nakita ba kong hindi tamang nangyayari hindi ko pwedeng punahin? Kailangan ko pa bang hintayin na dumating sa puntong ako mismo ang makaramdam bago ko umalma? Sa tingin nyo bakit patuloy na nagdudusa ang mga nagdudusa? Bakit hindi sila ang magsalita? Sasabihin nyo kasi pinipili nila magpa-api. Di sila naimik. Pasensya naman kung hindi nila magawa dahil lahat ng oras at enerhiya nila nakalaan sa pakikipaglaban para lang mabuhay. Habang ikaw, ikaw na komportableng namumuhay patuloy lang. Bakit nga naman magreklamo ka, di ka naman apektado? Kung yan ang pinipili mo, ok lang. At walang sino mang maaring manghusga sayo. Katumbas ng karapatang ito ay ang kalayaan para sa mga katulad ko na magpahayag ng saloobin. Pinipili kong hindi kayanain ang manatiling umupo at manood sa mga hindi tamang nangyayari. Wala akong ibang tulong na maisip maibigay kung hindi ang boses ko. Ang ibahagi ang pakikiisa at ipahayag na may mga taong pwedeng tumulong sa pamamagitan ng pagpapalaganap ng tunay na pangyayari at kaganapan sa totoong mundong ginagalawan natin. So kalakap ng respetong hinihingi ng mga taong pinipili ang hindi makisali sa mga usapin at isyung kinahaharap natin, sana ay maibigay din sa mga katulad ko ang malayang pagpapahayag kahit pa sabihin nating wala naman akong alam sa tunay na paghihirap ng nakarami. Sapat na sa akin ang rason na alam kong may hindi tamang nangyayari at hindi akong magdadalawang isip na punahin ito.

The one time I openly admitted having high hopes and expectations, of this year and all the possible good things it will bring, then Covid-19 happened. For as long as I remember, I deliberately avoided having high expectations, on people or things in general. I guess I hate being disappointed. But because it’s 2020, and because I have been looking forward to my 35th birthday, I had so many things in my mind, and I cannot count the many times I played in my imagination how I wanted to celebrate it and spend the year 2020.

See, the thing is, I don’t celebrate birthdays. I just feel like every day should be celebrated, or at least in a random way, we should celebrate life at any given day. That's just how it is. But sometimes I indulge myself in big celebrations, any kind that will make me feel that life is something I actually enjoy, temporarily forgetting my worries and how I beat myself up for the things I think I should have in my life.

Before Covid-19 happened, I had things planned: travel, big celebrations, making life-changing decisions, basically turning my life into a different direction and feeling as if I am entering a new phase in my life. I felt so positive and hopeful, even without the specifics of my plan. But something happened, and we are all well aware of what it was. I came from planning an out-of-the-country trip to being in quarantine and one of the many people affected by the no-work-no-pay situation. I didn't get the chance to process what was happening. Within the first few weeks, I was still part of the work-from-home workforce, and all I had to think about was how to adapt to this new arrangement.

For one, I have always had this rule in setting my personal and professional life apart from each other, and working from home is one big challenge. But the demands were high, with so many employees shaken by what was happening, we needed to act on many things immediately. But as weeks passed, things are getting quieter, demands on work are getting lower, and I am starting to feel the difficulty of being remotely connected. See, I have no skills in keeping in touch at all. I don’t have the talent in keeping anyone I have not seen personally for a certain period of time in my circle. And the quarantine is just showing me how incompetent I am in this department.

Now, twenty-two days away from my 35th birthday, I find myself lost in the middle of this Pandemic. Every day it feels as if I am in between, of being productive, of trying to enjoy the free time, and of the thought of the kind of life that awaits us after we pass this challenging time. In short, again I am lost and have no idea where exactly I can put my emotions in all of this. The weird thing is that I find myself so stressed out by me not being stressed. I am worried for not worrying. Forty-three days in, and yet I feel like I have yet to completely grasp the current situation I am in. How the hell did we end up here?

Just realized I now have 799 posts on my blog, and I've decided to make my 800th. So, how's life these days?

My mind is still in silent mode. Ncov is still affecting almost everything. I really wish this would all die down so that people can move forward with their plans without fear and worry. That’s one thing about stuff like this; it's beyond our control, and we really have no choice aside from taking all the precautionary measures, praying, and having faith that in the end, everything will be fine - because they always do. It has to.

I was excited for the Taiwan trip, and while there hasn't been a cancellation yet (there was previously one), I am not sure if this will push through. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it as everyone has enough and more legitimate worries than my uncertain overseas trip. And so, things will happen as they ought to happen.

Aside from the trip, now my professional life is also hanging in the balance. Is it really practical and ideal to transfer companies now? In these trying times where many seem to face instability and the unpredictable negative impact of this Ncov?

Lastly, my 35th birthday is coming. Again, I really wish Ncov would die down soon, and that by that time I have figured out my next step. In the meantime, I shall continue to wander aimlessly, as usual.

I look around and I think of nothing. But then I have a lot of things in my mind, and yet nothing seems to mean something. Did you even get that?

Yes, dear Life. Oh, how unpredictable you are. Kobe’s passing today reminded us that nothing really is permanent in this life. That everything can be taken away from us in an instant. We may think we are in control, but truly we are not. We have so many thoughts, fears, worries, plans, and so many other things. But the truth is, if there is one thing we should focus on in our lives, it is this: if your life were to be taken away at any moment—yes, it can be NOW—can you honestly say you are okay with how you have lived your life? How attached are you to your life and everything around you? Will you be able to easily let go and make peace with death? Or the mere thought of departing from Earth is unimaginable to you?

Where are you currently in your state of life? Think, reflect, and make a decision. Right now. Because if not today, when? Anytime can be your moment.

12.12.19 | 12.27.19 | 01.02.2020

I am attempting to write something, or anything. I wanted to give tribute to 2019 or for the past 19 years since I started recognizing that the future is indeed real. It was around the year 2000 or the most commonly known as Y2K when the reality of the future started to sink in. Not until the craze for the new millennium, and probably because I was just in my early teens, I never imagined what the future held for me. Life was so simple then. I think, like every kid/pre-teenager at that time, we were all just concerned about the little stuff, mostly school and friends.

Then came the year 2000. There was something about welcoming the millennium that gave me a sense of seeing myself in the bigger picture. Y2K was such a big deal, and a milestone that I saw not only this world has a future but also that time is really passing by, and so then I realized I have a future too that I needed to think about. I can still vividly remember the overwhelming feeling I was having while welcoming the 2000, watching Regine singing at the top of the hotel. It was surely a defining moment, and I can say once-in-a-lifetime experience. It’s epic to be able to experience welcoming the new millennium.

Anyway, I cannot say I started to plan right after; I don’t think I ever plan my life very well in the long term aspect, it was just a symbol of all possibilities for me - that time really does exist. And now, 19 years after, I don’t know what to feel. I cannot believe that such a long time has really passed by; I wish I wouldn't feel time has passed me by. In the TV series, they call it like an end of the season. And as I look back, I don’t really know what I am seeing, or if I am seeing anything, whether it is the past or about the future. It is too surreal for me. My brain does not have the ability to process what the future holds for me. Or my heart, it is somewhat in denial and too scared to confront what I have done in the past years. I guess I fear the realization of (again) having this discontentment over the things I feel like I am not and should be doing. I don’t know. So where does this leave me? Where am I going? What do I make of this 2020 coming? 35 years. I have lived half (almost) the years of the standard lifespan of a human being. And then what?

I guess I am just wondering how we cope with all of this. Is life really this complicated, or is it the changing ways, our ways, that have caused complications to what used to be a simple life for us? Or maybe it is just me, trying to complicate things by overthinking. It could also be that I am bored. Well, all I wanted was just to commemorate the past 19 years, and this stress is caused by the fact that I can’t seem to come up with that. And why is that so?

I love this time of the year, the last quarter. Most of the good TV shows are on. While it stresses me out because there's too much socializing involved (hello holiday seasons), I look forward to the effort I have to make in watching these shows. There’s just not enough time. Well, also because this is the period of planning, reviewing, and of course catching up with my readings. Ten books. That’s what I have to finish before the end of the year, though I don't know why I have to make such a count anyway.

And the TV shows? It’s Grey’s Anatomy season, and soon The Blacklist, then I believe Station 19? I just like the feeling of having something to look forward to every weekend.

As for work, oh well, of course, it’ll be more hectic than usual. It’s the end of the year. Things you have to close, the party, and everything else.

Reunions, get-togethers, and all of a sudden I have an active social life mode on. I don’t know, everybody seems to be making an effort and making time from their busy schedule to spend with you.

But most of all, it’s the planning and reviewing that I like most during this time. Especially now that I have so many things on my mind that I want to do and see happening for next year. I just love this time!

And just like that, I made a diary kind of entry. My goodness. Oh well.

Bidding 2019 goodbye and welcoming 2020 really soon

Is knowing will ever be enough?

As I grow older, I realize that there are more moments in my life when I feel sad and lonely. You know? When you wish things were different? When you hope that by this time you should have all these things figured out? But then I know, well almost, everything there is to know about having different phases in life. Many times, I have successfully talked myself out of self-pity and gotten over some sort of depressing moments. Because it really does pass. I say, well, it is more of a seasonal kind of thing, just like the weather. I feel like I understand the complexities of life, sort of, and that it has a way of letting us feel its random tests. And while I am more in the understanding stage now, and in having to accept life on its own terms, even if that means allowing yourself to pass through this manic depressing state knowing eventually it will pass, sometimes I feel like we are nothing but someone who is helpless and trapped in this world of emotional confusions. This is in spite of having this so-called maturity and wisdom we believe we have inside us. But when in times where emotions are much more powerful than simply knowing, how is one really supposed to choose what to feel towards something that is creeping inside of you? When we are caught up in these moments when all the logic and common sense don’t seem to work? How do we make sense out of an emotion anyway? Are we supposed to do that? How do we ever get over this phase? Or maybe it's just part of life, us always finding ourselves going back into a full circle? Again, I don’t know..

In honor of the “Buwan ng Wika”

1. Huwag mong gustuhin ang isang bagay dahil lang nakukuha ng iba. Gustuhin mo dahil gusto mo talaga. Huwag kang inggitera.

2. Huwag mong hanapin ang wala sayo, subukan mong pahalagahan kung anong meron ka. Yakapin at tanggapin mo, higit sa lahat ay ipagpasalamat mo. Matuto kang makuntento. Huwag kang ganid.

3. Minsan Subukan mo kumawala sa sarili mo. Kalimutan pansamantala ang mga nararamdaman at pangangailangan mo. Bawat tao ay may kanya kanya kanyang paghihirap. Hindi ka naiiba sa kanila. Kaya itigil mo ang pagmumukmok mo dyan. Huwag kang maarte.

4. Magmahal ka, hindi lang dahil gusto mo mahalin ka din pabalik. Ibigay mo dahil gusto mo at hindi dahil hinihingi sayo o naghintay ka ng sukli. Libre yan. Huwag kang magulang/madamot. 

5. Madaling humingi ng tulong at maraming gustong magbigay. Pero bago mo hingin sa iba, ikaw muna unang magbigay sa sarili mo ng tulong. Buhay mo yan, ayusin mo. Hindi mo dapat iniaasa sa iba. Huwag kang tamad.

6. Pag may maling nangyayari, lagi na lang iba ang may kasalanan. Kailan man hindi ka nagkulang. Para sayo lahat ginawa mo naman. Pero minsan, bawas bawas din sa kasisisi sa iba. Huwag kang nagmamalinis.

7. Lagi ka na lang naghihintay. Takot na takot ka magtanong o kahit magsalita. Pano mo malalaman kung di mo itatanong? Hindi nakamatay ang magkamali. Huwag ka assumera.

8. Ang galing mo mag-paliwanag. Ang dami mong sinasabi. Yung mga plano mo ang gara. Pero wala naman nangyayari. Subukan mo kaya kumilos, tapos tsaka na yung kuda. Huwag kang mayabang.

9. Pakiramdam mo ikaw lang ang nahihirapan, ikaw lang ang laging kumikilos. Lahat ng tao sa paligid mo wala nang ginawanag tama. Lahat na lang ikaw lang. Sa mundo mo, puro ikaw na lang. Bakit kaya di mo subukang isipin naman ang iba. Huwag kang makisarili.

10. Hindi umi-ikot ang mundo para sayo. At lalong hindi titigil ang mundo kung may pinagdadaanan ka. Kung ano man ang iniisip mo, nararamdaman mo... hindi ka nag iisa. Marami tayo, lahat tayo pareho lang. Tama lang na pahalagahan mo ang sarili mo pero hindi tama na isipin mong ang naramramdaman mo lang ang mahalaga sa mundong ito. Lahat tayo pantay pantay lang. Huwag kang feelingera.