without me, you're gonna die.

@instagram: @jenniferlawrence posted a story (4 hours ago)

Oh, please, you’re too kind. Dude, teleporting’s gonna change the world, and I don’t understand why it’s not a thing yet. Like, c’mon. You’re telling me we have access to cars that can parallel park for us but we can’t teleport? Who the fuck needs parallel parking anyways? And if we can’t get in on the teleportation action, I’d at least settle for some water slide-esque thing that just made things so much faster. You’d still get your views out of it, but no dumb stuff like TSA. How often do you go back home? Cruises are underrated as hell. What I’d give to be on the pool deck with a mai tai. Excellent choice in films. After those, might I suggest National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation if you haven’t yet? A true holiday classic. Wait, hold up, fried cheese cheeseburgers? They sound like a heart attack, but so damn delicious. Let me know your rating on it. I am in New York, yes! I heard about it, I think I might stop by for a little bit if only to indulge in the liquor. Tell you what, if you need an excuse, you can always come with me. We’ll stay for an hour and if it turns out to be a bust, we can bail and find something else. Go grab sushi or something. I’m old, so we can always say it’s time to return me back to the retirement home before my curfew and that’ll be your out. What else would you wanna do on a New Year’s Eve in New York?

Oh, absolutely. My philosophy’s that there’s no point in reserving it all for when the numbers on the end of the calendar change — if you wanna do something about your life, just do it. Like that one Vine of Shia Lebouf said. I know, no one’s more disappointed in myself than me. I really had something good going for me and then I just let it all go. The mice told you they were threatened by bows, arrows, and girls with braids firing said arrows? Or d’you think if I just came over and yelled literal threats out loud, it would do the trick? Lemme guess, the mice aren’t forking over their part of the rent. Whether or not I can still turn blue is a nationally guarded secret. Sanctity of secret identities and all that. Hey, sounds like a kickass plan to me. 2020 has been fucking exhausting. I dunno yet! Maybe sit at home, maybe go out; I’ll be wine drunk either way. 

Dude, you’re preaching to the choir. Flying’s the fuckin’ worst now that I’m old and beginning to go gray. Not even first class or the pod experience cushions the jet lag or the doubled amount of moisturizing it takes to remedy all of the drying-out efforts that plane air gets up to. Thirty six hours on a plane sounds like hell. I think I’d take my chances on a deep sea fishing boat. Or a Disney cruise. Room service and rerun Christmas movies sounds like the way to go! What all have you watched so far? Ah, I dunno. Probably get wine drunk, Maybe find some trouble, maybe just kiss my dog at midnight. I’ll decide the night of. How about you? Any fun on your agenda?

Have we as a society progressed beyond the need for New Year’s resolutions, or are we still clinging to those dying dreams? I’ve been given plenty of suggestions by my loving family, ranging from becoming an art snob and putting something other than paint on my walls, moving to France and learning how to make crepes right from the source, and doing the whole newly-divorced woman thing by chopping all my hair off or going red. Quite frankly, I think it’ll be a miracle if I get the tree down before February. How about you all? Got any big plans for the New Year, or are we still coming down off the holidays to even entertain thoughts of 2021? Also, hi, I’m Jennifer, and no, I can’t fire the bow and arrow anymore. I’ve really let myself go. Disappointing, I know. ( @hfrpstarters​ )