beautifully broken

i don't have facebook, i'm barely on aim and i forgot what the thingy is for it, aaanndd i don't have skype anymore:(((((

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

He rubbed his back softly, “Of course. Always cuddles..” He told him, kissing him softly. “Whatever you want, baby.” He said, “Whatever you want.” He whispered. He opened the door and lead him inside, “So, uh, how’s everything going with the pregnancy?” He asked, casually trying to change the subject. “Want me to take a photo?” He asked, hoping that wouldn’t bring up bad memories of Kota. He remembered Dakota telling him about that. “I .. mean.. I can.. If you want.”

Jay blushed lightly when Zayn kissed him, not quite used to his lips but still fond of them and how soft and caring they were against his. As he was led inside, he was instantly comforted by the fact that it didn't smell like Dakota. Not one bit, and he actually thought that maybe, he could get over him in time. And maybe it would take a long time, but Zayn was there, and they could help heal each other. That sounded, in all honesty, really good to Jay. "It's.. better. Not so much morning sickness anymore," he said. "I'm about eleven or twelve weeks now." He looked at Zayn as he spoke and bit at his bottom lip before nodding. "Yeah that'd be nice," he responded. "I don't have my Polaroid with me, so I guess we'll just have to take this one on-" he paused for a second to each in his sweatpants pockets before sighing. "Your phone.. because I left mine at my cabin," he said, before adding a small, "If that's alright." 

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

Zayn sighed, “I’m sorry, baby.. I really am.” He said, giving him a huge hug. “I love you and I don’t know the answer to any of your questions, but.. I’ll be here for you.. Always.. I don’t want to lose you.. Not like I lost him, okay? I promise I won’t leave you. I am sorry.. Okay? Just calm down, yeah? Let’s go getsome tea and watch movies.. like you wanted, yeah? Do you still want to do that?”

Jay nodded and as his bottom lip began to wobble, he let out a shaky sigh. He couldn't cry anymore, not unless he wanted to have a massive headache. He needed to get himself together for the baby, even if his or her other dad wasn't here. Jay was just at such a loss, his child would be without their Papa, but he knew Zayn would do a good job of helping him. And, maybe, he'd be the other dad- that was, if he wanted to. Jay didn't want to scare him off, so he wouldn't ask right now. He nodded again and "Th-the tea sounds nice. And c-cuddles.. right?" he said.

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

Zayn stopped just as they arrived at his room, he turned to him as he spoke. “Jay,” He whispered, “That’s not true.” He said softly, cupping his cheeks. “I mean, yeah, at first I was, but you’ve really grown on me. Trust me.. That first kiss meant nothing.. When you were drunk, but… That second kiss.. I swear I meant it. You’re all I care about now. You and .. your brother..” He said, pausing, “But he’s gone now and if he comes back I’ll care for him, too but as of right now you and only you are my only priority.” He said, leaning down to kiss his stomach. “You and this baby.”

Jay thought he could hold the tears back, but it was too soon to be this strong, which was why it didn't work. He didn't understand it. He didn't understand why Dakota would leave him. He wanted to know what he did wrong and not knowing was killing him. When Zayn said 'if he comes back', that was what broke him like a twig. He wouldn't come back, and if he did, Jay would be too hurt for things to be the same. How could he leave his pregnant boyfriend when just a few nights ago, they were excitedly thinking of baby names. "It.. it hurts so much and it's n-not fair. Why does he get to l-leave so easily?" he asked, his voice wavering. "W-why does he get to break our h-hearts like this?"

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

Zayn pulled Jay close into his side. “I’d like that to.” He said, kissing his temple again. “You look so cute with my clothes on.” He said, rubbing his hand over his arm. “You know, I really fell for you Jay.” He said. “And I’m glad I did because I couldn’t ask for anyone better..” He told him.. “But since.. it’s only us two now.. What’s going to happen to us?” He asked, slowly. “Like… are we going to stay together or…?” He asked, hoping he wouldn’t cry again.

Dakota always liked when Jay walked around with his shirts on. Jay liked how big his tshirts were, and how they made him look smaller even if he hated being small in the first place. Zayn's shirts would be loose, not as loose as Dakota, but it would be enough. He could feel his eyes watering again, but he blinked back the moisture before the tears could fall. "I.. love you, t-too, Zee," he said, his words thick. "I know you.. you were only in the relationship for Ko- for Dakota, so I understand if you d-don't want to be with me anymore. I.. I think it would be n-nice to be with you, though," he said quietly. As he said Dakota's name, it sounded like it actually caused him physical pain, and it felt like it did, too. 

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

"Okay," He whispered, watching him as he slid off the bed. He followed Jay and waited for him and once he was done, he took his hand. "Come on, babe." He said, kissing his temple as he lead him out of the room. "You can wear my clothes if you want.." He told him, walking with him towards his room. "Or I can come back and get yours later." He told him, brushing his thumb across Jay’s hand. "Let’s go and make tea and cuddle, yeah? Clear your mind, babe."

Jay didn't know if there'd be a time when his chest didn't feel heavy, not when he'd given Dakota just about everything. He was mad at himself for getting so close to him because he knew it would happen. He knew Dakota would move on to better things, but he was selfish and he ended up hurting himself more than he ever thought he would. As Zayn held his hand, he looked down at the ground. "I'd.. I'd like to wear your clothes, if you don't mind. I l-like smelling like other people. It's.. it's c-comforting." When they were out of his cabin, he felt a little relief. It didn't smell like Dakota anymore and while he missed his smell, he knew it'd be best if he took a break form his cabin. 

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

"You’re welcome." He said, brushing his curls out of his face some more. Jay looked so vulnerable, so tiny and he couldn’t imagine why anyone would do this on purpose. Dakota had to have had a reason. He nodded at the question, "Yeah, baby. I’ll have to clean up. Clothes are scattered everywhere so I apologize in advance." He said, sitting up. He helped Jay sit up and smiled, "I’d love that, but are you sure? I mean, I can make the tea if you’re too tired unless you think you’ll be okay." He offered.

Jay nodded. He didn't mind of Zayn's place was a mess. At least it wasn't half empty like his cabin. There used to be so much stuff here and he was only now realizing how much of it was Dakota's. The boy had taken everything that was his and left without saying anything, and Jay tried so hard not to think about it because that was the only way he'd be okay. "Y-yeah," he said quietly. "I.. I need to get something  b-before we go." He got up, a little dizzy, and went to the living room, picking up the ring that had been on the couch. No letter, no goodbye, just the ring. The ring he'd spent well over a thousand dollars just to custom make for Dakota, so the boy would always know he loved him. Jay let another small hiccup escape as he threaded the ring through a simple silver chain and slipped it over his head. He wanted to wear it as a necklace so he'd never loose it, even if the sight of it made him feel a little sick. 

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

He kept rubbing his hand up and down Jay’s arm and listened to him speak. “It’s okay if you can’t right away.. It’ll take time, I understand.” He reassured him. He thought for a minute as he pressed soft kisses along his jawline. He pulled away once to slip his shirt off and laid it over top of Jay. “There..” He said, “Now you have my shirt.. I know you like wearing… people’s clothes..” He said in general, not wanting him to cry some more. “I love you, okay. You’re my first priority right now.. You and the baby.. Okay? I love you and I wish I could’ve prevented this, but I’m gonna take care of you, okay?”

Jay sniffled a little and nodded. His heart stopped hurting a little once Zayn took his shirt off and gave it to him. It was just as baggy as Dakota's, maybe not quite as much, but it was warm and it smelled like home to him. "Th-thank you," he mumbled. He was just glad that Zayn wanted to stay with him. He knew that, in the beginning, he was only in the relationship for Dakota and now that he was gone, he couldn't think of how hurt Zayn was. Still, the boy stayed and he didn't know how to thank him for that. Jay nodded and cuddled close to him again before speaking up. "C-can we go to your cabin now?" he asked quietly, his voice unsure. "I don't.. I don't want to cry a-anymore, but it smells so much l-like him." He wiped his eyes quickly, willing himself to stay strong enough not to fall apart again. "I can m-make us some tea.. and we c-could watch a movie together, i-if you want."

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

Zayn ran his hands all over Jay’s body, wanting to relax him. He brushed his fingers over his baby bump, sad to know the baby only had one dad now.. One dad that actually helped to conceive him or her. “Yeah, I understand. That’s why I offered,” He said, looking back up at him and into his eyes. “You’re so beautiful.” He said, “So very beautiful and I just.. I wanna see your beautiful smile again because that is really the only thing stopping me from crying right now.. Just the thought of being able to see it again.. Eventually.. In time..” He said, before continuing to sing. “My heart, your heart sit tight like book ends. Pages between us, written with no end. So many  words we’re not saying. Don’t wanna wait ‘til it’s gone. You make me strong.” He paused, lifting his chin up and pecking his lips once. “I’m sorry if I say I need you. But I don’t care, I’m not scared of love. ‘Cause when I’m not with you I’m weaker. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong that you make me strong?”

Eventually, the tears stopped and all that was left was the small hiccups. Jay had cried so much before Zayn had come over that his head hurt, but the boy's touches were soothing, reassuring. When Zayn said the thought of his smile was the only thing stopping him from crying, Jay swallowed thickly. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to smile, at least for a little while, but maybe he was only thinking like that because it hurt so much right now. "I-I will.. I'll- I'll smile for you," he said quietly. He continued listening to Zayn sing and when he pecked his lips, Jay managed a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes like it used to. He'd try again tomorrow. He didn't want to let Zayn down. 

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

Zayn decided he’d stay with Jay for a few days.. Or allow him to stay with him in his room. When Jay asked him not to leave, he sighed. “Jay, I’m never, ever going to leave you. Promise. I’ve been through too much … You’ve been through too much.. I couldn’t.. I’d rather die then hurt you..” He whispered back. “Do you want me to stay with you? For a few days? Or.. you can stay with me.. I don’t care.” He said, starting to hum again to try to keep him calm, but it wasn’t helping right now so he started to sing softly. “My hands, your hands tied up like two ships. Drifting, weightless, waves try to break it. I’d do anything to save it. Why is it so hard to say it?”

Jay was relieved to hear Zayn say he'd never leave him and that calmed him down a lot. He felt terrible that while panicking and crying, he'd forgotten that maybe Zayn was hurting, too. And maybe they'd have to fix each other, even if it seemed impossible right now. "I, um.. c-can I stay with you? It.. being here is t-too much, I think," he said, his insecure voice making him sound younger and innocent. When Zayn began to sing, Jay allowed himself to be calmed down even more by the soft sound of his beautiful singing. 

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

Zayn rubbed Jay’s back when he seemed to be calming down just a bit. He didn’t know what he was thinking or what was going to happen to Zayn and Jay because of this, but he just wanted him to smile again. “Baby, no.. Shh.. It’s not your fault..” He said, brushing his thumb across his cheek. “I’m just.. I’m worried about you.” He said, pulling him close again. After a while, he took a deep breath before humming softly. He kicked his shoes off before reaching down around his legs and lifting him up and laying him down on the bed. He crawled in beside him and ran a hand through his curls, “I got you..” He whispered, pressing a quick kiss to his forehead.

Jay couldn't decide if his chest hurt because of the high blood pressure or because Dakota was gone. It all felt the same now and he just felt so weak and powerless. This was what he was afraid of. He knew the older boy would soon get sick of how clingy he was and he knew he would leave. he just wished he had gotten a warning, because everything seemed perfectly fine the night before. They'd spent the whole day cuddling and drinking tea and watching movies, and he couldn't think of a single time where Dakota seemed upset or anything. He allowed Zayn to pick him up and when he was placed on the bed, it smelled too much like Dakota. He cuddled close to Zayn and buried his face in the crook of his neck until all he could smell was Zayn. "Please d-don't leave me," he whispered brokenly. 

Through The Dark ; Jay & Zayn

Zayn could feel his eyes watering because yeah, Zayn missed Dakota, too, but he was crying because of Jay. He knew how close the two were and all he wanted was for Jay to be happy. Yeah, he did have his moments where he felt unloved, but.. here he was hoping for Dakota to come back.. For Jay. “I love you, just.. Shhh.. Shh..” He whispered as he held him close. “Please, calm down.. It’s not good for you or the baby.. Please.. ” He said, pulling away the slightest bit to wipe at his eyes. “I love you and I’m not leaving, okay? Just shhh.. It’s okay.. You’re gonna be okay.” He said, grabbing onto the sides of his head. “I love you. I love you.” And that was all he could really say. He didn’t know what to say. He just knew he had to be the stronger of the two. To take care of him like he did with Dakota. He needed to make sure he was okay and sure, the baby wasn’t his, but he’d make sure the baby would be fine. He’d take the role of the other father figure for Dakota. He’d know it’s what he’d want. “It’s okay.. Please…”

Through Zayn's comforting words and the way he held him so close, Jay's sobs eventually turned into small whimpers and hiccups. His eyes wouldn't stop watering, though, and his chest still hurt. He felt like his heart was swelling in his chest, like it could burst into a million pieces, and while he took deep breaths to calm himself down, there was nothing he could do to fix the ache. He had come on this boat to be with his brothers again, but mostly to be with Dakota again, and when he woke up this morning, his reason for being here was gone. He had a new reason, though. Zayn. And he didn't know if he'd ever be okay, but he knew he wold have to be. He suddenly felt guilty. He knew he must have done something to make Dakota leave, and now Zayn was hurting, too, and it was all his fault. "I-I'm s.. s-sorry," he said, looking up at Zayn when he pulled away from the embrace a little. "I.. h-he said he'd n-never hurt m-me." He couldn't stop the small hiccups as the tears started up once again. 

Jay didn't understand. He thought everything was okay, and he thought that when he woke up in the morning, he'd be greeted by those pretty green eyes. All he saw was the ring he'd given Dakota on Christmas. The boy had taken everything else but the ring, and he wasn't sure his heart could hurt so much. At first, he was in shock. He kept thinking he would come back. That maybe he just took all his clothes so he could go wash them. But then he realized everything else was gone, too. His toothbrush, the box of tea (he and Jay drank different brands of tea because Kota liked his stronger), his hairbrush- everything. It was all gone, down to the smallest detail. He had given the boy everything and when he left, he took it all with him, including half of his heart. Thankfully, Zayn had the other half. Still, it hurt. His doctor told him to stay away from stress because it wasn't good for the baby, but just thinking about the baby made him a mess. He had no clue what he was doing and he just couldn't breathe, too scared to think straight. He missed him already. He missed his touch, his warmth, his scent. Jay used to wear Dakota's shirts but he couldn't anymore because they were all gone, and he couldn't fit into any of his other shirt without them feeling uncomfortable because of the small but growing baby bump. When he heard the door of his cabin open, he stupidly thought it was Dakota, but when he saw Zayn, his bottom lip started wobbling and he couldn't help the strangled sob that escaped. He clung to the boy like his life depended on it, like he would leave, too.