My Star Garden

It was the fourth of july in new york

and the sun was high in the sky above the east river

a perfect clear day

in the daylight of my life

I was 20 and had never loved America

at least not for a very long time

but wore an American flag halter top under my overalls

and smiled widely

because I knew my good fortune

to be there at all

mingling with the monoliths

and making conversation with history

My boyfriend asked about the buildings that formed the teeth of the jagged skyline

because he knew I had spent hours on Wikipedia

and fashioned myself an expert  

I was 20 and beaming into the glistening water

waving to the people on the passing boats

and celebrating a country that did not celebrate its people

a country whose voice could be heard most loudly

in the hateful and broken shouting

of those who claimed to love freedom

but had always loved themselves more

I was 20 and had been born into a post-9/11 world

the city’s crowning jewel stood tall

its spire lit up red white and blue for the occasion

looming high with a watchful eye

reflecting the world below

I pointed to the woolworth building

“That one’s my favorite,” I said

I could have talked about it for hours

as it stood there in all its terracotta glory

but my throat was suddenly tight

and I did not want to talk about anything

I nodded along to “Born in the U.S.A”

and really felt it

for the first time

as the sky began to darken

In many ways, the country I had been born into no longer existed

the sacred right to choose

the veil of civility

pulled back to reveal the truth of Her face

the truth of what She had let Herself become

Her once-bright eyes had grown hollow

and the lines of Her face betrayed Her rage

Her righteous anger

trembling at the gilded altar

before giving Herself away

to a rich man

who does not know the truth of Her soul

The macy’s boat shot color into the sky

and they wed under the fireworks

soundtracked by katy perry and lee greenwood

until it started to rain

Today was a very slow and restful day. Initially, I woke up at 10 and then went back to sleep until about 1.

I spent the first few hours of my day relaxing and watching YouTube videos about old Disney Channel shows. I went to Panda Express a the campus center and got an Orange Chicken plate. It was incredible, but it made my stomach hurt, so I think I should stick to the bowls.

After I came back to my room, I called my mom for a few minutes and then completed the two assignments that were due tonight. They did not take as long as I expected, which made me very happy.

I got a call back from my friend, who has been distant for the past week, and we talked for about an hour. It was nice to hear from them because I was starting to get a bit worried.

Once again, I had trouble sleeping last night and went to work without any sleep whatsoever. Regardless, I had a relatively good day due to the daycare room I was placed in. As a result, it was a significantly less stressful day than usual.

After work, I came back to my dorm to change and deposit my winter coat, as it had warmed up significantly from when I had first left for work. Rather than the 40 degrees of the morning, the afternoon was a windy 74.

A very windy 74. I felt like I was going to blow away, and I even staggered a bit as I walked to the dining hall for lunch.

There was nothing good at the dining hall, as I got off work at a very awkward time and none of the buffet items were available, so I instead went to the Denny's on the dining hall's 2nd floor. The chicken was exactly what I needed.

I then ventured out, once again, into the violent outdoors. I, once again, almost blew away.

I got both of my assignments done before my evening class, and I had to give the presentation we didn't have time for in our last session. It was not a strong presentation. I was nervous and tripping over my words and talking too quickly, but my professor liked it and gave me a 5/5 on it, and that's what really matters.

After my class, I took a shower and talked to my boyfriend for a while.

I had trouble sleeping last night after a series of phone calls with friends, so my shift today seemed to drag. I got off at 2:30 and immediately came home to take "a brief nap". This "brief nap" lasted five hours. By the time I awoke, the sun was beginning to set and the day was nearly over. I felt like the farmer in Stardew Valley after passing out the night before and starting the day with half energy.

Nevertheless, I have persisted and have completed my one assignment that's due tonight.

I got some chips and queso at Copperhead Jack's in the campus center. They were delectable.

I slept well last night, and have been trying to find the motivation to do my homework for the past several hours. I am not sure how successful I will ultimately be, but I am having a good time nonetheless.

Watching videos. Lying under the heated blanket. An overcast sky.

A fantastic Sunday afternoon.

I will have an easy week, as I don't have field experience, but I have a presentation on Wednesday night, and I am not ready for my weekend to end. I want to lie by the window under the blankets forever.

A conversation I had with my mother on Friday night has been weighing on me heavily. She told me how frightened and angry she was when she found out she was pregnant with my brother. I am almost the age now that she was then. I am currently 21, and she was 22 when it happened. Life happens so quickly, and it frightens me. I have no idea what my future holds, and no idea what I even want it to. I can't shake this feeling of restlessness. I'm hoping the next few weeks get my mind off it.

There's a little over a month left before summer vacation, and I think getting out of the city for a few months will do me a lot of good.

There is a dark room,

in a dark place,

where little light seeps through the bars,

and the cracks in the wall have a heartbeat

that thrums rhythmically

endlessly,

relentlessly.

The heart does not fear the darkness,

or taste the stagnant air.

It continues to pulsate,

palpitate,

within the concrete,

and it does not feel the loss

of its ichor.

It does not see the writing on the wall,

how its life seeps through the cracks to form its message

for all beyond the wall to see.

It reveals the ultimate truth that it cannot bear,

clear as the day outside.

No,

it does not see the writing on the wall,

how its innermost truth lay bare upon the cold rock,

a carcass upon the operating table

cast to the mercy of blades and oaths.

The heart does not see the writing on the wall,

but it feels it.

Its blood has been running colder for quite some time now,

and it has felt itself falter,

but it blamed the winter chill.

Its rhythm has been irregular,

racing and sputtering at times,

but doesn't everyone's?

It does not see the writing on the wall,

but, certainly, it must sense it.

For how could it be so unaware of its most essential truth?

How could it deny the reality its very blood contorts to convey?

The heart does not see the writing on the wall,

cannot see it,

cannot bear to,

and wishes to spend just a bit longer in blissful ignorance.

But it knows.

And in its softest dreams,