This is my hog

Radiohead - High and Dry

Weezer - Beverly Hills

Mumford and Sons - The Cave

The Strokes - Reptilia

The Strokes - Hard to Explain

Bruce Springsteen - I’m on Fire

blink 182 - What’s my age again?

coldplay - the scientist

All american rejects - it ends tonight

owl city - fireflies

owl city - dementia

kid cudi - pursuit of happiness

the wallflowers - one headlight

weezer - island in the sun

the killers - read my mind

john mayer - waitin gon the world to change

When I moved into this apartment three weeks ago, I was excited to finally be in the city and living on my own. Ready to take on the world and make it by biznatch. I soon found out, however, that things aren’t panning out as well as I had hoped. I thought that I had found a great place, but as each day goes by there’s something new that I hate about the apartment. As I’m typing this I feel uncomfortable just being here. But then that’s when I thought to myself... For an apartment that only costs 500 a month AND is in Dorchester, what did I expect? For a room that damn cheap, there’s bound to be at least a few things wrong with it. I just hope that it’ll all be fixed soon.

This is the first time in a long time where I really don’t feel comfortable, but this is probably a good thing in that it’ll keep me humble. After all, I’m a twenty-one year old college drop out who’s trying to be a comedian... I’m definitively not expecting a life of luxury these next few years. I guess I should have expected, and should continue to expect, that moving to a new place brings new responsibilities and different kinds of stress.

In the end, the situation that I’m in right now isn’t terrible at all. There’s a couple of problems with the apartment that I would love to get fixed soon, but until then I just gotta deal with it. Humble beginnings, Josh... Humble beginnings.

I’m going to try and see if I can go to sleep (not really I’ll probably just be on YouTube or something).

So it’s been about a week and a half since I moved from Worcester to Dorchester and things have been going alright, alright, alright. I’m finally able to do stand up more often and also able to see shows pretty much any time I want instead of seeing my friend’s show once a week back in Worcester. Now it’s only a matter of time before I become a jaded, bitter comedian. Just kidding, obviously, that’ll come in about... ten to thirteen years, I reckon.

The area I live in isn’t too bad either. People say Dorchester is dangerous, but people like to exaggerate and most people who say that don’t live there. I mean, yeah sure it’s dangerous, but now I just have to be more aware of my surroundings because, sure, the area I live is pretty high in crime and has a reputa- yeah I pretty much live in the ghetto area now... 

Grocery shopping is weird now. I don’t have a car anymore so I gotta buy groceries every few days instead of every week and a half. There’s also no washer and dryer in the apartment that I live, so I gotta bring my clothes to the laundromat which is an eight to ten minute walk. Just gotta adjust to the city life, is all.

Still looking for a job, but I got a decent amount of money saved up, so I’m not too worried right now. If I don’t find a job in the next two weeks, though, I’m going to be stressing out. I also might be going on a date soon, we’ll see how that pans out. If it pans out.

Sort of... I’m actually moving to Dorchester, but same thing, right? But yes, I am moving tomorrow so I can commit more to stand up and invest a lot more time and energy into it. I didn't really have plans to move closer to the city, part of me wanted to stay in the Worcester area for another year or so. I’m not too sure why, though. Another part of me wanted to say fuck it and move to Chicago. But... I got lucky in finding a room so quickly, so I figured why not? Might as well move now when I have the chance to and enjoy the summer in the city.

My last day at work (McDonalds) was also pretty bittersweet. I made a lot of good friends there, which is probably why I stayed there for so long. I’m going to miss them. I’m only going to be an hour away, but for a lot of them the only way they’re going to see me is on social media or if they come up to see one of my shows (speaking of which, I need to start talking to bookers again and try to get on their shows). Farewell, McFam. At least for now.

And now I’m trying to see if I can open for her. I haven’t been there in about... two to three years, but hopefully that won’t deter them. Maybe they’ll let me open for them, seeing how I’m a former student and their open mic was the very first time I performed stand up. 

RIC, I know our relationship has been weird, but please do me this one favor of letting me open the show for her. If you do, I’ll do anything you want me to do. Anything. And I mean it. 

So when you're a poor fellow like me, you have to be smart about spending your money. You can't make any luxury purchases and need to plan out every single dollar you can spend. Or if you're really like me, you're going to ignore all of this, even though you know you really should make one, then regret not doing it the week before rent is due. 

"Hey, Josh. I'm going to need rent from you this month." 

"Yeahhhhhh... About that..." 

So what is a budget? A budget is something responsible people do, because they make smart decisions and know how to be an adult. 

The first step to making a budget is overcoming laziness and forcing yourself to sit down and plan your budget. 

The second step to making a budget is to figure out how much money you make after taxes have been taken out of your paycheck. Oh, you make five hundred dollars a week? Well after taxes now you're only making... Uh... I actually don't know how taxes work. And I don't even make close to five hundred per month so I can't even guess how much tax is going to be taken off. You know what, if you make five hundred dollars a week, I'm sure you're fine. 

The second step, or rather... third?

...

The next step to making a budget is to figure out how much money you make after taxes. So let's say you make three hundred dollars a week after tax. Not the most you could be making, but a respectable amount. You should really look for a new job, though. You need to apply yourself and yaddy yaddy yada, OKAY MOM! 

So, three hundred dollars a week equals to one thousand and two hundred dollars a month. Yes, I agree. Let's use numbers instead of typing it out. 

So you make 300 a week which equals to 1200 a month. Let's say rent is 700 a month because you decided you wanted to live with your best friend in a two bed room apartment close to the city. Questionable choice. Now that leaves you with 500 dollars for the rest of the month, which leaves you with 125 per week, which leaves you with 18 (rounded up) dollars to spend per day. 

Impressive, right? I was always great with math. 

So let's use the weekly budget for this example. Now that you know the maximum amount of money you can spend in a week, you can decide on whether to spend all your money on candy and junk food or only half on it and the other half to feed your heroin addiction.

Pat yourself on the back, reader, you just planned out your budget. Now you can either follow your budget plan like a responsible adult or fail to motivate yourself to follow it and go back to where you originally were: skipping a couple of lunches to make rent and really contemplating on whether or not you should donate some blood.

And it wasn't terrible! A few weeks ago I went over to Jay Mayo's house, a fellow comic, and did his podcast, Hold The Mayo, and had a great time. I'll post the links below for those who want to listen, we talk about a bunch of things and you hear me rambling on about things in my monotone voice.

Click on either of these links to listen to the podcast:

http://www.holdthemayopodcast.libsyn.com/

http://ec.libsyn.com/p/a/0/6/a069c0333d3ddf33/HTM_EP_46_Josh_Do.mp3?d13a76d516d9dec20c3d276ce028ed5089ab1ce3dae902ea1d06ca8437d5ca5ebbd3&c_id=8293969

----

Aside from the podcast coming out, nothing much has changed. I will be visiting my uncle soon and checking out Chicago since he lives somewhat close to the city. Chicago has been a city that I've been wanting to visit for quite some time now, everyone I've talked to has had nothing but good things to say about it, aside from the winter. I want to move to a city with a bigger comedy scene sometime soon. It may be wishful thinking that I'll be able to do it this year, but we'll see how things pan out...

Other comedy related news: my show Thursday in New Hampshire got cancelled, which is fine because I believe it's supposed to snow that nigh, and I don't want to drive in that shit. Haven't been to many mics due to the snow and haven't written any new jokes so I should probably punch myself in the dick for being lazy. Comedy has been kind of slow, but I blame it on the weather and that it's always really bad on my days off, the only days that I can go out to do open mics in the city. Luckily there's a mic in Auburn and one in Worcester, so I can at least get some stagetime. 

I also did the Comedy Studio a few weeks ago. It was on a Sunday and there was a pretty decent crowd even with the Patriots game on (think it was against the... Colts?). I had a pretty good set, I think. Watching the tape when you get home always gets a little depressing because when you watch it, the audio doesn't pick up the audience that well so it seems like you didn't do as good as you thought you did. I still did well. I think. I think I did well. Was that a run on sentence? I'm tired...

On a more personal note, to combat this loneliness I've been feeling I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I have no regrets. I just wish I had some chips.

TL;DR - To do more stand up and put in more of an effort than last year. 

These last two years of comedy I've been doing it at a steady pace, but this year I am going to try harder. To start off the new year I've already booked quite a good amount of shows for these next few months, let's just hope my car doesn't die anytime soon. I think it may be happening soon. Please don't happen soon.

My current goal right now is to write more jokes. I've been slacking these last few months, been spending too much time playing video games and not spending enough time being creative. I need to write more jokes. I need to write sketches. I should blog more often. I need to blog more often? I guess we'll see for that.

I also need to move to the city. There's not enough opportunity for me here in Worcester and I need to submerge myself in comedy. I think that will motivate me a lot. Sitting here in my room isn't giving me any motivation at all. I have nowhere to go, nothing is open right now and it's only nine o'clock. If I were in Boston right now, I'd be at an open mic practicing and working on my craft. I need that, I need the opportunity to do comedy whenever I want to. I'm tired of free time, I need to be doing something.

Hey, Josh. Why not use this free time to write jokes?

...

I shooould write jokes... Writing is hard, okay?

Thursday, January 8th - Gong Show at The Good Life in Boston

Tuesday, January 13th - Hold the Mayo podcast with Jay Mayo

Sunday, January 18th - The Comedy Studio

Monday, January 26th - One Microphone at Johnny D’s

Thursday, February 12th - Negative Burn at Ralph's Rock Diner

Wednesday, February 18th - The Comedy Studio

Wednesday, March 18th - The Comedy Studio

An update? Sure!

Been taking a break from stand up because I moved out of my parents house and probably shouldn't be spending a lot of money on gas, I GOT RENT TO PAY. I'm going to see how my spending is for the month and if I can make it so I have extra money for gas, I'll start doing comedy again. Until then, it's been a hard break. I should be using this time to write and think of more bits, but I've been lazy with it. I think I'm going to do it right after this blog post... Hopefully.

I did stand up last night at East Meets Words. It was the second time I was there and my set went okay. I feel like the jokes I did are more of a in-the-middle set where they work better after I've built some sort of relationship with the audience. They didn't hit as strong as I hoped they would (They're also not that hilarious, maybe I just suck). My subway joke worked, though, I'm glad that I was able to think of a good punchline for that joke, it's still one of my favorites. 

Other than not doing stand up that much, I've had to grow up these last few weeks. I'm living on my own now. I got rent to pay. I need a new job. I think I can get a promotion and become a manager at McDonalds, but if I don't get a high pay raise, I'm going to be forced to look for another job. Maybe be a UPS driver? I've worked for them for the last three years doing the driver helper position and I think Gary would give me a good recommendation with the company. Sure, they're not THAT great of a company, based on what Gary and other drivers have told me, but right now I just need a job that pays well so I can afford to survive. That sounds a little bit overdramatic. How about, I need a job that will allow me to be able to pay for rent, food, and other luxuries. 

That sounds better, you pompous ass. 

No shows booked for the rest of this year, so here's the schedule for next year. Not too many right now... I need to ask people to be on their shows...

Sunday, January 18th - The Comedy Studio

Monday, January 26th - Johnny D's

Wednesday, February 18th - The Comedy Studio

Wednesday, March 18th - The Comedy Studio

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/couple-wins-2-4-million-vegas-slot-machine-jackpot-article-1.1915046?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+nydnrss%2Fgossip%2Fgatecrasher+(Gossip%2FConfidenti%40l)

- it's the most exciting thing to happen in New Hampshire since 

- I haven't been jackpotted for twenty years and I wish I could spew out 2 millions dollars. All I spew out is unwanted cum.

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2014/08/wanted-rapper-joe-budden-tweets-at-nypd.html

http://www.techtimes.com/articles/13728/20140823/corals-fish-know-the-smell-of-bad-reefs.htm

http://www.mynews4.com/news/story/Tahoe-woman-attacked-by-bear-may-be-first-to-face/q8EZqsigGEmv1SnefPVmCw.cspx

- All the bear wanted was some more pork shoulder

http://www.ajc.com/news/news/national/nail-polish-could-detect-date-rape-drugs/ng8B7/

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/08/24/taco-bell-forced-workers-to-give-out-bogus-money-suit-claims/?intcmp=latestnews

-Meanwhile their phony beef has been untouched

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/us/2014/08/22/dnt-parents-turn-in-daughter-for-nude-photos.wtvr.html

- However the real crime was not giving her a large enough texting plan. 

http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/26/world/americas/brazil-prison-riot/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/08/13/sharks-threats-extinction/13991033/

http://www.hlntv.com/article/2014/08/25/ebay-map-state-buys-most?hpt=hln10_4&hpt=hp_t4

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/us/2014/08/25/dnt-california-50-abraham-lincoln-document.kbak.html

- In the video he called in an expert to help him confirm Abraham Lincoln's signature, Google.

http://money.cnn.com/2014/08/18/pf/child-cost/index.html?hpt=us_bn5

http://www.channel3000.com/news/woman-flown-to-hospital-after-jumping-from-vehicle/27712788?hpt=us_bn9

http://www.localnews8.com/news/worldfamous-sumo-wrestling-champ-successfully-completes-his-bear-lake-challenge/27734238?hpt=us_bn10

- To be fair he is pretty much a 400 pound life jacket

http://www.kpho.com/story/26368078/phoenix-boy-undergoes-surgery-to-repair-throat-damage-from-button-battery?hpt=us_bn10

- Video of me pretending to be him

http://www.kptv.com/story/26347709/are-tiny-homes-the-answer-to-portlands-homeless-problem?hpt=us_bn10

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/world/2014/08/26/vo-south-korea-flooding-trapped-bus.ytn.html

- Psy's newest music video is going to be off the hook

http://www.masslive.com/news/worcester/index.ssf/2014/08/report_worcester_drivers_are_t.html#incart_river