Jasmine K.👅

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”

I think the worst feeling in the world is when no one seems to understand.

I remember the first time I found your secret darkness. It was by accident. I felt so betrayed. I had been giving you what I felt I could. I guess I could have fed you more or put myself in front of my anxiety and accompanied you out more. However, I gave you the same treatment I have given myself. It could always be better. You were begging for attention from anyone and everyone while I was sitting in bed next to you begging for you. Staying home with me was never a source of comfort and I don’t know why I couldn’t be the comfort you needed. I felt like a robotic version of a human that just didn’t quite love the way others needed. I felt like you knew this and used it to validate your decisions. You didn’t care because I wasn’t human anyway, right?

She deserves better, you say. I say: You’re a goddamn coward. What she deserves is an actual person she can connect with. She deserves you, or me or the entire world; she deserves someone achingly real and honest. She deserves a human being equally raw to pursue her and love her and, perhaps, destroy her emotionally, but she deserves all that as well. She doesn’t deserve anyone’s sugary fairytale. She deserves to float freely, with you, or me, or the world, into the very depths of her own psychosynthesis. She deserves to explore the meaning of the word “intimacy”, with someone beside her that will care regardless. She fucking deserves all of it. So, pluck up the courage and be with her or leave her in peace but don’t you dare “sell” her your own “inadequacy” as a lie so that, again, you manage to comfort your conscience and eventually come to feel that you love her exactly because you’re letting her go. Because, darling, that’s bullshit. That’s only your own little self-created lie laying behind a much bigger lie; it’s not even properly concealed within itself, you fucking idiot.

I have learned that if you are down, stay down. Don’t get back on your fucking feet until you are prepared to stand. Don’t get up until you have learned why you fell. Nine times out of ten, it is because you were weighing down on someone who could no longer hold you. You gave someone your power. You forgot about yourself. Let me tell you something - there is one person there for you. One person. It’s the same person that wipes your shit and feeds you and cleans up your vomit after a drunken night. It’s the same person who brushes your teeth and tends to your wounds and gets your crying ass out of the shower. The same one that tucks you into bed and cradles you in the night and fights off the darkness and embraces the light. It’s you. It’s always been you. Don’t get off that fucking ground because you see somebody you know or somebody you want to know, or - somebody you can rely on. Wipe your fucking face and get up for you. Because you can. Because it’s the least of what you owe yourself.

I am a pile of ideas, a pile of dreams, a pile of plans, a pile of doubts, and so many other things. I am a pile of piles and it is so overwhelming. Should I get rid of some piles? Should I climb them? Or should I just give up and hide inside them?