If it's a man's world then why did God create me?

When I open the door I'm instantly greeted by the familiar faces of my family. It is Fox first that runs up and hugs me. He's still quite small so he only reaches my waist and clutches onto me tight. His eyes are wet with tears and Jude quickly follows after. Saffron is next to hug me and to my surprise my mother joins in the embrace. Our family hasn't been this affectionate, this caring to one another since father was alive. It was perhaps the first time I'd hugged my family is years and it brought tears to my eyes. I never realised I missed District 11 until Jarel said, I never really said goodbye to my family. I pushed them away after father's death as I didn't with everyone I knew. I run my hands through my mothers hair who sobs quickly.

"I've missed you all so much, so much. I'm glad to be home." I croak and they hug me tighter. Soon though, one by one they let go of me and let me sit down. It'd been a hectic and traumatic few weeks and sitting down in my own house with my family was perhaps the best thing I could have done.

At first there was silence, I think they all appreciated that right now company was all I needed so they didn’t go. Fox wriggles out from underneath mother and comes to sit on my lap and wrapped his little arms around my waist. The poor boy was yet to have his growth spurt so he was still as scrawny as he was when he was ten.

"Was the boy from District 9 your boyfriend?" A look of disgust and curiosity crossed his face. My mother and Saffron gasped at his question and went to pull Fox off of my lap before I shook my head.

“It’s okay...” I said to them, they all looked so worried, like I was going to break into a million pieces. I turn to look at Fox again who looked a little scared as he waited for my answer. “No... he wasn’t. And his name was Jarel but I cared about him alot.” he nodded his head slowly and then opened his mouth to say something else.

“I thought so. You were very sad when he died, I’ve never seen you cry before and it made me sad, wait! No Jasmine don’t cry again!” my eyes were welling up again and it was hard to stop them from running down my face so I let them. He wiped them away with his grubby hands. “I won’t cry anymore I promise”.

“You kissed him and everyone saw. He was your boyfriend. All the older boys called him your boyfriend, they’re all scared of you, you know?”

“They should be scared of me, I’m terrifying remember? why do you know what the older boys say?” I was intrigued now, Fox had always been the type of kid that was scared of everything including people ten times the size of him.

“They always invite me to big oak tree where they eat their lunch and hang out because they like me, duh!” oh bless him... “They always ask me questions about you too but they said that Jarel was a hero” he seemed proud to be in with the big boys and it just made me laugh.

“Well, next time you see those boys tell them I like strawberries and salmon fish” things I could now eat in abundance thanks to the hefty sum of money the Capitol gave me. We all spoke for a while, telling me the news of the District. It seemed as though my fields weren’t so lucky. The white roses had contracted a disease, their pearlescent had turned grey and so naturally Jude burned down the field. Fucking idiot. Saffron walks down to the large patch which is now clear and I think of a fabulous idea.

“During training I spoke to the Gamemaker Nausicaa whilst I was making a trap. She scared the absolute crap out of me but I remember her saying that I could prove that Felicity wasn’t a fluke. You remember Felicity right?” Saffron nodded slowly, she always liked her too.

“It was hard in there, so hard. She was so strong and deserved to come out of it alive. We’ve lost so many people to the games and I think we should give them a space, and dedicate it to Felicity, the Victor that never was.” Saffron nodded again and didn’t say anything.

“We’ll put a bench in the middle, a little path leading up to it and people can plant flowers for the loved ones they have lost. And for Felicity I’ll plant an apple tree, she loved apples and some purple tulips.”

“Why an apple tree and purple tulips?”

I sit silently on the train, my legs are brought up so I can rest my chin on them and I stay there for almost the whole night. I didn't think I'd be coming home and when I saw my fields fade into the background that would be the last time. So as morning comes and I arrive back home I half expect there to be no one there. They all hate me there and before I'd been through this, I never cared but I've been through too much and seen too many things to be as naive as I once was. The train pulls up and I hear cheers, I look over to Vivian who gives me a small smile and I step out of the train. People are smiling, cheering and it's almost as if they're happy to see me again. We haven't had a Victor in so many years and after Clifford's repulsive demise, I was the only one they had. I return their smiles and wave at the people that have taken the time out of their day to welcome me home. It's harvesting season for the majority of our fields and for them to be here is a pretty big thing.

I take a few steps out of the train and the sun beats down on my face again, after being inside for those few weeks for so long, this much open space is almost foreign. I shake hands with the people and a small girl offers me a bunch of jasmine flowers. I'd never been fond of small children, and for all I knew, she could have stolen them from my fields. The car journey to my house was a long one but I knew the man driving so it wasn't a silent one, a lot of the crops had been infected with a virus and almost 50% of them had to be burned, luckily for me my flowers were fine as were my cane. But, from this I was my Districts last hope from another famine and I hadn't let them down.

When I finally arrive back home breathe a sigh of relief when I see my fields are exactly how I left them, they were as beautiful as ever and when I step out of the car everything finally feels so real. The familiar smell of roses and sugar cane come to me and it makes me feel like the happiest person alive. It was good to be back. She around the field, first of all noticing the absence of a lot of the workers, perhaps they'd taken the day off to celebrate with their families, a luxury that went unpaid if she remembered. The few that were working looked up at their boss as she walked to the outskirts of the field. A few of them simply looked back down to go resume their work, others kept looking but one girl puts down her sheers and walks up to me. The other workers are somewhat astonished by this, almost as if she'd said she was going to do it but nobody believed she had the guts to do it. I was surprised she was so willing to come near me, after seeing the games and realising what I was capable of, if I was them, I'd be scared of me too. As she neared I look her up and down. She was tall, about the same height as Allyn, very tall for a girl and had a petite frame and delicate features. If she scrubbed up a bit, wore some nice clothes she'd be beautiful. She's the type of girl Jude would like. But above everything, she was new. She wore a somewhat happy expression on her face, something I hadn't wiped off of her with my leadership and she also had a spring in her step, needless to say, she wasn't scared of me at all.

"It's good to have you back boss" I raised my eyebrow at the girl and looked her up and down, a look that would usually make my workers cower in fear but with this one, she only stood straighter almost making me take a step back. So instead, I smiled at her kindness and bowed my head a little, a respective custom in District Eleven, not something I frequently gave.

"It's good to be back... You're new here. I don't remember your face. What's your name?"

"Rosa, mam" Rosa, a pretty name for a pretty girl.

"Jasmine... Jasmine will be fine. How old are you?" she looked at me nervously, she'd lied about her age to get in this plantation and I gave her a scrutinising look, I dared her to try and lie to me.

"15"

"That's awfully young, why are you not at school?" a sad expression washed over her face and I regretted it almost immediately, there weren't many reasons why young girls dropped out of school to work.

"My brother was Reaped two years ago and died, three years before that my other brother was Reaped. Its just unfortunate really. It's my duty to help put food on my food on the table for my mother and two little sisters and I can't achieve that sat behind a desk." I left education out of choice, I felt sympathetic for the girl. She reminded me of Jarel, doing whatever they can to help the people they love. And just like that, I felt a lump in my throat and I wanted to cry again. "I worked at the old apple orchard bu-"

"The fruit was all diseased, so I've heard. You're fortunate enough to have a job here although I don't understand why you're working today. You should be celebrating. After all, unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view me, I am still alive"

I look around at my workers who have all stopped their work and were listening in on our conversation. I turned to face them all and cleared my throat.

"Go home. All of you, take the rest of the day off. Spend time with your families and be grateful that you'll spend tonight with them because I know twenty three families in Panem don't have that pleasure anymore." They all look at me incredulously and one pipes up and says

"Will our pay be reduced if we go"

When I wake up my throat is dry, my tongue feels like sandpaper and to swallow is physically painful. I try to sit up and a wave of vertigo washes over me and I almost throw up until I feel another pair of arms on me. Based on my lethargic and slow movement, I've been sedated for a while and person in front of me is yet another stranger. But in her defence she wears a plain coral dress instead of those creepy white suits the doctors wore when they grabbed me. She silently passes me a glass of water and I drink it slowly, watching her for any sudden movements. I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust people or feel at ease at all.

"I'm Vivian, I'm going to be your new mentor for the time being and your escort Tessa will be here shortly." I frown at her words, new mentor? What happened to my old, repulsive, useless one?

"Not that I particularly care, but what happened to Clifford?" my voice was still quite croaky so I drank some more as she continues to speak.

"Well we're not entirely sure, but the general talk around is that he ate himself to death and no one can find the body, he's just completely disappeared. Quite disgusting if you ask me" I just laugh, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life; not everyone had the pleasure of dying by such a gluttonous lifestyle. Vivian soon joined my fit of laughter despite the fact I didn't find it funny.

"So you're my mentor now?" She nods slowly and I smile. She was pretty, appeared to be kind and gave me the space I needed. I run my hand through my hair and when I touch the part where a huge hunk should be missing, but instead, it's there. I frown and proceed to check my body for the other injuries. My leg is fine, as is my side and practically all my burns are gone.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"A couple of days, three I think, it's miraculous isn't it? You look as beautiful as you did when you entered the arena. And now you're a Victor." I didn't feel like a Victor nor did I feel beautiful. The sickening empty feeling washed over me when I got up and agreed to leave the room with Vivian. My prep team were back, fussing over me putting me in a very beautiful, elegant looking dress and within minutes I was being pushed through the doors to be interviewed by Belladonna. She introduces me as the new Victor and there’s an explosion of applause. I raise my hand and waved before smiling, it really seemed as though they liked me. I shake hands with Belladonna again and we go through the recap of the games. I wince at Adder’s death, it was gruesome, and I can’t imagine it being enjoyable. My first fight with Leo is shown and I frown at my reluctance to just kill him then and there, but soon after the deaths of the first day are shown they focus on mainly me. The reunion of Jarel and I is dragged out. They laugh when I hit him with the frying pan, ‘Aaaw’ when we hug and kiss. I hear a few sobs and cries when Nery kills him. This time I don’t look away. It happened in an instant, I tell myself he was in no pain and was gone before I even reached him, and there was nothing I could do to save him. I promised him I was going to go home and I did. Belladonna asks me what will be the first thing I’m going to do when I get home.

“I’m going to hug my family and tell them how much I love and appreciate them before sleeping in my own bed again”

A somewhat comforting realisation comes to me next as I crawl over to take the marlinspike from her clutch.

Without him I’d rather be dead.

I slowly make my way back to his body and run my hands against the cold metal spike. I am a coward. I should keep fighting, keep going, but alas I have nothing to fight for. The soil of my fields will soon be infertile, my family will be able to live without me and I have no one to call a friend back home. I sit there for a while and hold the blade to my stomach but drop it onto the floor. I have always been stubborn, defiant, and even though I want my last action and death with be of my choice, I can’t do it to myself. I’m not that selfish. Jarel would want me to keep going, to fight through the pain so I can go home. I won’t let them break me. I pick up my things, as well as Allyn’s and slowly open the door on my right to reveal a dining room and a bar. Thankfully it was empty; I couldn’t take any more fighting today. I curl up behind the bar and smile when another parachute comes down for me. It’s a good thing Emmett didn’t turn his back on me after my less than impressive emotional sob. Inside is some burn cream, and as always, I’m extremely grateful. I rub it on my face and arms before pulling the stingers out of my stings and apply some to them too. I bandage up the nice stab wound Allyn gave me. Something I’d really love right now would be a blanket, something to hold onto as I sleep tonight but I’ve received so much already. I should be grateful. The familiar sound of The Fallen plays and despite my reluctance, I turn to look at it anyway. There were six of us left; I was one of them so it meant only five more opponents. The first face is Aspen’s, the girl that killed Athelea and it is followed by the girl that killed her Rosalie. It meant that like I Leo had also lost someone close to his heart. I still hated him.