we're still here.

the warmth that spread throughout her body was like no other, her imagination couldn't have given her this from just thinking about the feeling of jj's lips on her own, the way her mouth moved against her skin. she couldn't imagine the way she could feel goosebumps run across the expanse of the skin on her neck when there was an absence and the hiss that came at the teeth on her neck. it didn't matter if it was fair, if she couldn't do the same to jj if she was still seeing the man, for once emily had something she needed (what she couldn't admit).

tell me. she couldn't figure out how to let the woman against her know just how deep her desire went, how many positions she's imagined them both in. tone is breathless as she finally lets the words roll from her tongue, ❛ i don't.. sleep with anyone because i know i would think about your head between my legs when i need to get there. ❜ instead, she took care of herself in her bed at night, with some battery operated assistance or by her own hand depending on what scene she was imagining behind her eyes. guilt only consumed her the next morning, gaze averting every time she pictured jj's tongue across her skin the night before.

the confession from the other woman stirs something deep inside of her, stomach rumbling with hunger, skin beginning to prickle as the hairs on the back of her neck starts to arise. there's too many images flooding her mind;　bare skin slick with sweat, plump lips spewing out muffled noises as teeth hold the lower lip captive 'till a metallic tang spreads through – the desperation to keep her true desires from surfacing. except, jj isn't capable of containing the small moan that audibly spills out from what runs through her mind now, what shoots straight through her body and has her grip on emily tightening.

❛ hope is a dangerous thing in this job, and it can blur anything when you want something bad enough. you start to feel like you're going blind. ❜ her eyes closed, every time she got the idea that she was closer to having what she wanted, who she wanted, she was reminded that in a team of profilers, no one else commented on it or it hadn't been notable enough for them to so she pushed it down. the feeling of legs being entwined, her own locking jj's between her own, she feels like she can exhale.

the hand on her face leaves a path of warmth, warmth that's never been there with people she's dated in the past and hadn't even been there with the woman she thought could've been something. eyes open into a sea of darkness and her breathing is labored now, too many thoughts swirling in her mind of what came to mind when she pictured the blonde. ❛ i'm not good at this, jj, i'm not.. ❜ she was far from smooth, her only experiences in love had been for the sake of a job or bad romances that felt empty when she looked back at them. poetry could flood her mind when she thought of jj, because it was what she deserved and then it becomes apparent what she can say. ❛ you deserve so many things, i don't think anyone could have you. it doesn't stop me from wanting you, knowing it could ruin everything i have. ❜

❛ trust me, i know that now and i regret it somewhat. i just thought i'd have a handle on it before then. hotch made this all look so easy you know, i don't get how he did it. ❜ her head moved from side to side, knowing that the weight on his back was probably the reason he left.

it's why you have me. she knows not to misconstrue what jj's telling her, to give her the illusion that she means outside of work, it would be a miracle if she got a text from her on her days off after all this. ❛ it's above your pay grade and i don't have anyone waiting for me at home, you all do. ❜ the idea of a social life died when she took section chief, it gave her something to focus on, something to live for. that was, until she absorbed the bau into every fiber of her being.

“ hotch made everything look easy. what he had to go through with haley... i don't know how he kept coming back. ”　she misses him, misses jack. it had been so nice to see her own son growing up alongside another, until life caught up with them one too many times. she knew it wouldn't last forever, as much as she wished they all could've stayed as close as they had once been.　“ i don't know how he walked away knowing everything... he didn't once look back. ”　she wonders now, if that had been why he continued to encourage her to become a profiler – to leave behind her liaison days and be out of the public eye. she wants to be angry, at him – at emily. but she knows they're placeholders for the ones that have actually done this to her.　“ you always have top shelf, i'll take that compensation. ”　there's a slight smile that pulls, still not quite reaching her eyes, too caught up on　i don't have anyone waiting for me at home. one the days will had the boys, were the ones she felt twice as hard. coming home to darkness was never unusual, it had always been quiet when she got in late, the boys tucked away, will lurking around. but now, now the quiet was due to the emptiness, nobody lurking in the depths, nobody sleeping soundly upstairs. only jj alone with herself and her thoughts.

how vital you are to me. it lingers in the air for a second, the same way the words before she hears the addition of the team being involved. while she knew it was true and she was grateful for it to a degree, her hopes had been that it went beyond the job. ❛ hey you're twisting my words and that's.. not fair with everything right now. ❜ there was doubt the longer jj talked and she knew if there was anyone capable of talking her out of it, it was the woman in front of her. the smallest poke against her shirt sets her skin on fire, her senses heightened as she takes in the words for what they were. ❛ you wouldn't have to worry anyway, you're a good girl. ❜ jj went by the book and did everything asked of her, she didn't meet old neighbors in parking garages when the case was supposed to be closed. she wasn't getting arrested because she let the case get to her, when rationality should've told her to stop and move on to everyone else that needed their help.

the truth was she didn't think she was being obvious in the way she wasn't looking at her, but maybe it was the contrast of how much she used to that brought jj's awareness to it. ❛ that's not the only reason, but others don't matter. i wish there was nothing to tell, not when it came to that site, they should've just stuck to anime. ❜ nothing would've been the best possible option, but anime was distinguished from images of what they really looked like and could be passed as different people. her brows knit together as she looks over at her, a hand snaking over to capture jj's with her own, ❛ then call me on those nights, you don't have to do that alone. ❜ a look of confusion comes over face as the daunting question now occurs to her. ❛ where's will? not now, but on those nights. ❜ she hated that it was a question because it meant he was either sleeping through it, ignoring it or not being there when jj needed someone most. it's a reminder that her hand over jj's probably isn't the person she needs in the moment.

a good girl.　it shouldn’t effect her, at least, to this degree – not with what set of words come before. yet, heat surges through her body in an instant. cheeks staining darker, pulse beginning to plummet, her lower stomach rumbling. there's no controlling the state her body was in, even if it was the first time she's felt light in weeks–months. it’s visible enough, clear as day with how hazy she becomes, the hitch in her breath when her chest stutters to rise, the darkness swallowing the sea as currents rush over; she needs to place her mind anywhere but where it was heading.　“ yeah... yeah. uh, i think i'd worry even more if you weren't. ”　letting out the breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding, her sight shifting from emily and down the expanse of her neck, to the worn out fbi sweatshirt and down to where the woman's hands resided, her own almost itching to reach out.　“not the only reason? come on, em. i deserve more than that. ”　she could see it in luke’s eyes, as much as he tried to stay focused on the task at hand;　where their number one priority resides. but oh, there’s no missing the hurt – the anger, the sorrow filling him that radiates onto jj and makes her feel acutely aware.　“ they used a fucking anagram of my name. and i am... i am so scared henry is gonna come to me one day soon and– ”　she stops herself, chest lifting as a sharp pain shoots through her. she can't help but recall almost a decade prior; the older woman's hair much darker, less lines accompanying her features – holding jj as she mourned, ensuring each piece of her was kept intact when they all dared to fall beyond repair.　“ i’ve always done that alone. ”　she doesn’t mean for it to become audible, quickly swallowing as she shakes her head.　“ on those nights? ”　her mind goes blank, fingers fidgeting as she reaches out to the silver strands delicately hanging round emily's face.　“ new orleans. ”　she has to think about it, brows pulling together, a lump lodged in her throat as the tightness in her chest returns. she hasn't told any of them yet, how could she? between injurejeanfear and gold star, no time ever felt reason enough to disclose her dwindling marriage.　“ i like what you’ve got going on here. ”　a sly grin slowly forming, a bubble of air spilling from roseate lips as fingers gently twist each strand framing emily's face.

“ oh, please. ”　rolling her eyes, crimson creeping up the sides of her neck and splashing across her face as she tries to suppress a grin from forming. that was always her, wasn't it? unable to view anything as half empty. even with all she's endured, even with how many times life kept knocking her down, down, down. she still couldn't succumb to darkness, to what had overpowered her own sister she's now outgrown.　“ i'm in my mid fourties getting divorced, and i'm pretty sure henry is too much like me, which isn't a good thing. and now this stupid fucking site. trust me, emily. i am... slowly losing it. ”　despite the lightness in her tone, there's an ache beneath her chest that causes her fingers to finally retract from emily and drift to the necklace wrapped round her neck.

signs weren't her thing in the slightest, anything to do with wishes wasn't something she believed in, but the feeling she got when she was around jj was real. always relieved from the hardest of cases, always the person she turned to look to during a movie when something exciting or good happened in it. it was a reminder that good or bad, every moment she shared with jj was better than it had been with anyone else.

coming back from london made her that much more aware of the imprint jj had in her life, one that couldn't be replaced. it doesn't feel real, the words that fall without hesitation from the blonde's lips paired with her soft touch, even still she knows not to let her hopes get the best of her. when you're here i know i'm safe. ❛ i wouldn't live without knowing you were safe. ❜ it became a condition after she left between her and penelope that she was always made aware when anything was wrong when it came to jj. as hard as it was for her to watch the blonde marry will, being in the dark about everything around the bau would've been worse so she went the extra steps to make sure that never happened.

her lips part to respond before closing again at the thought of how long it had been, how much time had slipped away back to when it was the two of them, back to when she didn't let work rule her world. it consumed her and even the blonde found time between it, between the kids to just ask for them and she'd blown it off. she blew off penelope's birthday party, she was sinking under case files, ones that were put off for gold star or pushed aside when they shouldn't be. she takes in the sight of jj's eyes, water filling them and realizes that the loneliness wasn't just one sided. ❛ you got closer to will during the pandemic, i didn't think you had the time with date nights and the kids. even if you did, it's not like i would find the time when not having the jet has put us behind like never before. hotch would never have let it get like this. ❜

[ lean ] sender rests their head on receiver's shoulder

[ shop ] sender and receiver go to the grocery store together

[ brush ] sender brushes receiver's hair

[ tie ] sender helps receiver with their tie, either by putting it on or adjusting it

[ necklace ] sender helps receiver with the clasp of their necklace from behind

[ zip up ] sender assists receiver with zipping up a piece of clothing

[ unzip ] sender assists receiver with unzipping a piece of clothing

[ shoelaces ] sender bends down to tie receiver's shoelaces

[ swipe ] sender notices a smudge of something on receiver's face and gently wipes it off

[ braid ] sender braids receiver's hair

[ jacket ] sender takes their jacket off and hangs it on receiver's shoulders

[ puddle ] sender hurries to stop receiver from stepping into a puddle

[ drinks ] sender brings receiver a drink from a bar/their kitchen

[ feed ] sender feeds receiver's pet/s for them

[ cook ] sender and receiver cook a meal together

[ feed ] sender allows receiver to try a bite of their dish, holding their fork out for receiver to taste

[ teach ] sender, an expert at something, takes time to teach receiver how it works and how they can get better at it, too

[ readjust ] sender comes up behind receiver and readjusts their stance (maybe holding a gun, holding a golf club, aiming for something, etc.) to help them

[ makeup ] sender fixes receiver's makeup for them

[ bathroom ] sender and receiver go to a public restroom together and have a normal conversation in between the stalls

[ aloud ] sender reads aloud to receiver

[ refill ] sender refills receiver's glass without asking

[ massage ] sender notices receiver looks tense, steps up behind them, and massages their shoulders

[ listen ] sender listens to receiver explain something they're passionate about

[ silence ] sender and receiver comfortably exist in silence together, both of them working or reading or focusing on something different

[ food ] sender brings food over to receiver's house

[ hum ] sender hums along to a song receiver is singing

[ see ] sender sees something that reminds them of receiver and texts them a picture of it

[ admire ] sender stares at receiver across a room, silently admiring and appreciating them from afar

[ win ] sender lets receiver beat them in a game

[ puzzle ] sender helps receiver solve/put together a puzzle

[ carry ] after receiver falls asleep in an inconvenient place, sender carries them to a bed and tucks them in

[ kneel ] sender finds receiver sick in the bathroom ("tossing their cookies"), and kneels beside them, holding their hair back and cleaning their face

[ clean ] sender helps bathe receiver

[ wash ] sender helps receiver wash their hair