say goodbye to who I was
Rating: Explicit
Category: M/M
Relationship: Kieran Duffy/Arthur Morgan
Additional Tags: Smut; Trans Male Character; Tent Sex; Idiots in Love; Body Worship; Dysphoria; Multiple Orgasms
Word count: ~2,000
Summary: Smutty excerpt from chapter 7 of The Sin Draws the Flesh.
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“I got to thinking.”
“Well, there’s your problem.”
Kieran’s eyes narrowed. “I could just ride back right now and leave you to do your silly treasure hunt on your own, you know.”
Arthur stepped closer. “You don’t even know where we are.”
“I could figure it out!” Kieran moved forward, face petulant. “Just because I can hardly read don’t make me stupid.”
“Who said anything about any of that?” Arthur closed the distance between them, tentatively reached out to Kieran.
Kieran leaned forward, dropped his head onto Arthur’s chest. “Been a rough few days,” he repeated, arms winding around Arthur’s waist. “I’m dirty and tired and I can’t stop thinking of these.”
Arthur placed a kiss on the crown of Kieran’s head. “You know that don’t make no difference to me.”
“I—it—always feels wrong is all. Hate how it feels in the heat.”
“What was it you said? They’re just tits.”
Kieran gaped at him. Arthur’s face was blank, unreadable—for all of five seconds before he burst out laughing and pulled Kieran tigther against him.
“You’re awful.”
“Aw, you love me anyways.”
Kieran pulled back, stared up at Arthur’s wide eyes, mouth open.
“Kieran, I—”
Kieran cut him off, sealed his lips against Arthur’s and breathed deep of him. Arthur leaned into it, hands on Kieran’s hips. Kieran fisted the back of Arthur’s shirt and pulled him in even tighter.
Arthur hated to do it, but he needed air. Just enough space between them to breathe, noses touching. Kieran’s eyes fluttered open and Arthur found himself surprised at how short the lashes were, how had he not noticed that before?
“I do.”
“Do what?”
“L—” Kieran swallowed, licked his lips. ”Love you.”
Arthur could only stare back. Chest heaving, mind racing and he couldn’t catch a thought. His heart swelled and ached and he wanted to live in this moment until the day he died, and for once he hoped that weren’t for a long, long while.
“Even if you did drag me up here without a coat.”
Arthur kept on staring, mind gone blank. Kieran’s smile faltered, and Arthur didn’t like that at all, so he swooped in to capture his lips.
He pulled back, hands framing Kieran’s face, thumbs brushing over his cheeks. Spoke barely above a whisper.
“I love you. I have, for a while, and I’m sorry I was too much a coward to say so.”
Kieran’s lip trembled in a wobbly smile. Arthur ducked back in, laid a soft, lingering kiss, tender and warm and with so much love Kieran was sure he could die right then and there and not have a single regret. He melted into Arthur, hands splayed over his back, fronts pressed together. Hearts pounding through their shirts, out of sync but so, so warm. Kieran never wanted to let go. Arthur pulled them towards the tent, his half-eaten dinner forgotten by the fire.
All they had were their bedrolls, but the tent warmed quickly and Kieran forgot he’d even been cold. Arthur laid him down, hovered over him, inches from his face, brushed his hair back. Kieran framed Arthur’s face in his own hands and drank him in. He was throbbing already, but something hung between them, hesitation like they neither had done anything like this before.
Kieran brushed his thumbs over Arthur’s cheeks. Arthur sighed, eyes closed. So hard in his pants it was painful, but he didn’t want to rush, not right now. Kieran’s hands left his face, and Arthur’s eyes shot open when he shoved them beneath his shirt, attempting to yank the thing off whole. Arthur grasped him, loose around the wrists.
Night had fallen outside, and what firelight came through the gaps in the tent was barely enough to see, but Arthur could still make out Kieran’s face. Soft and open and wanting, so similar to how he looked when they first laid together, and yet entirely different. Kieran tried to free his hands, but Arthur guided them to rest above his head.
“Wait.”
Arthur wanted to give Kieran the world, so he gave him everything he had.
Slowly, like the space around them was made of glass, Arthur undid Kieran’s shirt, starting at the bottom, each open button followed by a featherlight kiss to the skin revealed beneath. Once he reached the top, he slid his hands under the shirt, along Kieran’s ribs. Could still feel each and every one, but they weren’t so prominent anymore. Arthur paused just below Kieran’s chest, glanced up to check on him. Kieran nodded, breathy, eyes half-lidded, and Arthur continued.
He pulled back one side of Kieran’s shirt, nosed and kissed along his collarbone until he got to his shoulder where he sucked a bruise into the skin. Kieran shuddered, and Arthur eased his arm out of the shirt, kissing down the length of it. Once he reached Kieran’s hand, he took it in both of his own and massaged the meat of Kieran’s palm, kissed every callus, each knuckle, before rubbing back up the rest of the arm. Kieran sighed and it turned into a whine when Arthur repeated the same process on the other side.
Freed of his shirt, loose and boneless and pliant, Arthur moved Kieran’s arms over his head. Arthur kissed him, deep, and then trailed down his neck. First one side, then the next; a kiss beneath each ear; a kiss where neck met shoulder; a deep kiss that turned into a bruise at the base of Kieran’s throat where it would be hard to hide. Kieran keened, legs shifting to try and encourage Arthur lower, faster.
Arthur hovered between Kieran’s breasts, moved up to give him a brief kiss to the lips. “Not yet, handsome.”
Interrupted, Arthur started all over again on Kieran’s neck. Kieran’s eyes fluttered shut, and he had a moment to worry he might ruin his pants because he had never been so wet in his life. His mind went fuzzy as Arthur started in on his chest.
Arthur took a breast in each hand and treated them gently as he had every other inch of him, rubbing in slow circles. Thumbs ghosted over nipples and Arthur couldn’t help but stare as they sprung up. The fire had started to die, and it was difficult to see, but not impossible. He looked up at Kieran. Kieran stared back through hooded eyes, breath stuttering through his nose. Their eyes locked as Arthur pulled one nipple into his mouth, free hand gently caressing the other. Kieran made a noise high in his throat and closed his eyes.
Something felt different from the last time they had done this—maybe because Arthur had spent all that time being so goddamn gentle and soft and maybe it was because Kieran knew, unequivocally, that Arthur loved him. If Kieran thought last time was good, now was indescribable. Fit to catch fire any second, Kieran’s arousal shot into something he had never experienced before and he rubbed his thighs together, desperate for friction.
Arthur switched sides, and Kieran whined in the second his mouth was gone, so loud he would have been embarrassed to hear it from someone else. Arthur sucked harder, encouraged by the noises. Kieran burned , writhed beneath Arthur. Without missing a beat, pulling Kieran deeper into his mouth, he moved one hand to Kieran’s hip to keep him still, and that was what did him in.
Kieran arched up with a cry and Arthur had to lean back to keep from getting his teeth knocked out. He hovered, one hand just above Kieran’s heart.
“Did you just—”
Kieran was still squirming, head thrown back, eyes shut.
“Yes, don’t stop,” he panted, breathless, frantic. Don’t stop, I might just die if you do.
And who was Arthur to deny him?
Arthur did the same twice more, and Kieran came both times, each almost as intense as the first. His pants had to be ruined by now, he had a second to think before Arthur worked on removing those too. Kieran tried to press into him, tried to grab Arthur’s hands and force them on him, in him, desperate to be filled. Like he hadn’t just come three times already. He ached, clenched around nothing, whined as Arthur pulled his pants down, torturously slow.
“Arthur, please.”
Arthur kissed behind one knee, then the other. “Not yet.”
Kieran whined. Went to wrap his legs around Arthur, trying to pull him in, but Arthur was still the stronger of the two, and he easily held Kieran’s legs down. Kieran growled, moved to sit but Arthur covered his body with his own, and Kieran’s mind tried to betray him, make him think of all the other times someone else had held him down like this. But the panic didn’t come, and he was able to keep the memories at bay. Arthur’s eyes roved his face, searching for something.
“At least take your clothes off. Your shirt. Something. Anything. Please,” Kieran begged.
Arthur hadn’t wanted to rush this, and it took every remaining ounce of self-control not to rip his clothes off and take Kieran right then.
Instead, he leaned back, knees on either side of Kieran’s hips, and took his sweet time removing his clothes while Kieran watched. Kieran propped himself up on his elbows, eyes following Arthur’s fingers as they undid his vest, his shirt. Arthur let the shirt hang open but left it on.
Kieran flopped back, defeated. Arthur slid down his legs and went back to kissing the inside of his thighs. He left more hickies, deeper now where no one would see but them. Kieran shuddered, breathless. Arthur held his legs open, kissing up and down the length of them until Kieran tried to redirect him where he wanted.
Arthur looked at Kieran from between his legs, and Kieran couldn’t fight the snarl that rose to his throat. Arthur chuckled, the breath ghosting over Kieran, and he nearly sobbed when Arthur finally laved over him.
In all his years, Arthur had never gotten his face so wet before he’d even gotten truly started, but he was practically soaked after the first touch. “Jesus, Kieran.” He tasted different, sweeter, and Arthur greedily dove back in for more.
Kieran didn’t have a single thought left in him. He weaved his fingers through Arthur’s hair, the longest it had been since he’d known him, and came within seconds. Arthur sucked him through it, and just when Kieran thought he was so sensitive as to be painful, he came again and thought maybe he would black out this time. His hips bucked wildly and Arthur leaned back, watching him squirm, hands flying around for something to grab onto. Arthur grasped them, fingers twined, and held him as he worked through it.
After what had to have been a decade, Kieran loosed his hands from Arthur’s and yanked him down into a bruising kiss.
“That good, huh?”
Kieran didn’t respond, eyes darting between Arthur’s face and the lump in his jeans. His hands flew down, but Arthur stopped him, stood to take off his pants as fast as he could, all patience abandoned. Kieran’s gaze went straight down, looked like he was fixing to grab Arthur and drag him down himself, and Arthur could deny him no longer.
He slid in with an ease he didn’t think possible. Kieran clenched around him and Arthur nearly came just from that. Kieran’s hands fluttered around him for some kind of purchase, settling on Arthur’s shoulders as he began to thrust. Kieran squeezed around him as they settled into a rhythm, the air hot and close. All manner of new, delicious noises spilled from Kieran, and Arthur let himself go along with him.
He might’ve been ashamed by how quick he came, if Kieran hadn’t keened along with him. Arthur winced as he pulled out, blindly grabbing something to wipe them down with. He stretched out on his back, naked, and Kieran hooked one leg over Arthur’s, breath coming loud and fast, eyes screwed shut, one hand in the middle of his chest. Arthur had never seen anyone come so hard, or so many times, and he was a little in awe of it. Had never considered himself a particularly gifted lover, not if his track record with relationships was any indication, but maybe that could be owed to the fact he had never truly been in love.
