suhoe

summary: jane is girl with a lot mental health problmes like; depression, neurosis, social phobia. here are her thought before some unexpected events. bang chan he is 17 years old <3

TW: mental health illnes, suicide

dear diary,

jisoo told me to write something like diary, because it could help me?? im tired of all what is happening so, im going to write here, ok? can i? i geuss your choice doesn’t matter - i’m gonna do like i want to. so my pain at left side of stomach is now more frequent, and i was at doctor! but it was year ago, i had blood test, research and nothing. doctor said that it can be nervous pains. so now, after 1 year since then, i’ve talked with uncle and when i told him, that this pains are when i’m stressed he became serious and said that i should go to psychologist, so i told my mother. i love her, i really do, but she doesn’t know me well. she was mad that i told her about this, you know? but when she thinks about this she agreed. i’m gonna go next thursday. i’m kinda scared, what should i tell her? i have never been at this kind of doctor before.. 

  by the way, me and jisoo are so so close, and i’m very happy that i have person like this by my side. i love her as mi sister. but i’m worry about her - she has anorexia. i can’t look at her, how weak she is. she can walk, but lately she dropped the brush. i don’t know, she goes to psychologist, but this all is really complicated. i hope she gonna be better. you know, she is only person who listen to me and my problems, oh sorry there is also one person - chan. he is like my second best friend after jisoo. 

 chan and me talk a lot. sometimes we facetiming each other, he always makes me happy, like no other guy did. i mean, i like him, but not like love! it’s impossible to me! 

 also, last few days was messed up. i cried for three days at least. first was friday - elementary school gratuade, exactly 8th class. i really hate this school and people also teachers from there. it was really hard time for me and my mother knew. she was with my during that day. when its end, we had to go to office for our document to new school. and she asked “jane, why are you not smiling?” and i reply “no, im just happy that finally i end this school.” she looked at me like she wants to kill me. maybe i said it too loud? i don’t know, but i know no one pays attention.

 then when we were at the car it’s all started. she was yelling at me; you think you are above everyone; you are cocky; maybe there is something wrong with you not them; maybe because of you, you don’t have friends; everyone were smiling, just you not; and other shit. it’s hurt. really. she does it quite often. of course there were river going down my cheeks. she scared me sometimes and she is the only person who can make me cry that much. but i still love her.

 then was sunday. my dad yelled at me, because i didn’t want to go somewhere with grandpa. i told him it’s not my father, it’s his and then he was yelling at me. he did it that way that i was crying about hour and i was shaking and couldn’t calm down. he made me upset really often.

 then monday. it was the sacrament of confirmation. it took 4 hours and we were going really fast to come back home and when we arrived at home i got call from my cousine. she told that she with my aunt and uncle were there for me and they sounded really sad. i started crying, becuse they were there with me, and they didn’t have to, so it’s makes my heart soft and i started blaming myself. my mother was mad at me, because she doesn’t like them?? something like that and about week she didn’t talk with me. so yeah, it started like that.

 life is messed up sometimes, sure?

 but i had chan next to me always. jisoo advice me and listen to me, when chan did the same and make me happy. i am really happy that i have them. ah, i wrote too much haha