Think I Lost My Halo

i have decided that i will be ending my life in a month or two. my career is failing, i have no motivation to save it. im a failure, im alone, my partner and i broke up. i have to move again. and im just so tired. i have nothing left, there is nothing left. i’m empty, a void. this is it. just gotta plan it. and be gone. finally.

i haven’t posted here in years. i partially recovered but also really really didn’t. all i did was gain weight back but the only thing i eat during the day is apples and peanut butter. and its way too much and i want to die. i want my skinny body back. i want to feel skinny again. all i feel is fat and all i think about is food. nothing has changed except me becoming invisible again. fuck

really wanting to move into my ‘fuck everyone else im gonna eat and do what i want’ era because i literally do not care anymore no ones happiness is more important than mine. plus im just really fucking hungry and tired.

i had chocolate for the first time in two years today

nothing matters anymore. i dont care about anything. all i think about is food, i cant think about art or things i love or literally any. fucking. thing. i dont want to be fat again but i dont want to feel ljke shit. i dont know what to do. id rather be fucking dead than here. i will never know freedom i’ve realized. this is my hell, im trapped. forever.

i just want food freedom. i see so many people in recovery where they eat what they want and not feel guilty or worry about what they’re gonna look like and they just are totally free and i want that so bad. im so tired. im so hungry. 108lbs feels like crap and feels so good at the same time. but i feel nothing. i dont feel joy in anything i do. i have no motivation to do anything or make anything. i dont want a future i dont want relationships i dont want to get up or go for walks or look at nature. i dont want to play video games. i have nothing. i have nothing left. i dont know what im doing here anymore. help.

the goal is to be someone else’s thinspo

why does it feel like im constantly waiting for people to leave me, like no one is gonna put in the effort to stay even though i do put in the effort. its like im just always waiting for the other shoe to drop. i just want someone to want me so bad they cant help but talk to me. i hate this, i hate this feeling i hate being worthless i hate being alone and isolated all the fucking time i just want some fucking peace i want to stop thinking for once!! for fucking once can i just be a fucking normal person fuck me fuck this life im so tired im SO tired

just weighed in for the first time since december and im down to 129lb !!! holy shit it feels so good, i think i weigh less than my sister now which is probably a first lmao. fuck you food, fuck you fat im winning this.