BLOGGER

Around Feb 2023, I was asked to pray for our youth ministry.

Pero makulit ako. Ang dami ko munang tanong kay Lord. "Lord, bakit ako?"

Ang daming pwedeng ilagay. Leaders who grew up in YWAV. Who knew the culture. Who had the skills. I didn’t feel like I had any of that.

I was scared. Kasi to be honest, I didn’t understand. I felt unqualified and unsure.

But then one day, God brought back a vision given to our pastor years ago— It was about the feeding of the 5,000.

Everyone thought it was impossible. But the miracle started with a child who simply gave what little he had.

He didn’t see what others saw—limitations. He saw Jesus. And that was enough.

Until today, every time I doubt if I’m worthy... Every time I think, “hindi ko kaya ’to”— I go back to that Word. That reminder.

It’s not about who I am, but who He is.

2013.

Syempre naaalala ko si Papa.

Ang hirap pala bumuhay ng pamilya.

Kasi lahat sila naka-asa sayo.

Yung pagod mo, hindi lang sa katawan.

Pagod siya sa 'di mo pwedeng ipakitang takot.

Pagod siya sa pagpigil ng luha kasi kailangan mo magmukhang matatag.

Pagod siya sa pagkalkula ng mga bayarin,

yung pamasahe bukas—

lahat yan umiikot habang nagpapanggap kang okay ka lang.

Doon ko unang naintindihan yung bigat ng “responsibilidad.”

Hindi lang pala 'yan title. Hindi lang 'yan role.

Minsan, parang siyang krus. Mabigat, hindi mo pinili,

pero dala mo kasi mahal mo.

At minsan, kahit pagod na pagod ka na,

pipiliin mo pa ring tumindig.

Kahit ang gusto mo lang gawin ay umiyak sa sulok,

o lumayo at magpahinga,

hindi pwede.

Kasi alam mong may mga taong apektado kapag bumitaw ka.

It reminds you of that season—

that weight, that silence, that invisible kind of strength

na wala namang trophy, pero araw-araw kang nagko-compete

against your own exhaustion.

Pero ito yung napansin ko ngayon habang sinusulat ko ‘to:

Kung mabigat man siya,

ibig sabihin lang siguro may halaga.

Kung masakit, siguro kasi may laman.

And maybe, just maybe,

the people who saw something in me that time

were looking not at how strong I was,

but at how I stayed.

I stayed kahit gusto ko nang umalis.

I loved kahit feeling ko wala na akong maibigay.

I endured kahit hindi ko alam kung para saan pa.

And that… that counts for something.

Miss na kita Papa,

2013. I had to leave.

Not for lack of care, but maybe out of too much fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being exposed. Fear of failing people who expected more from me than I could give.

Bakit ba gusto ng mga tao ako yung maging leader dun? Kita naman, ‘di ba? Hindi ako magaling. Hindi ako pinaka-available. Hindi ko masasabi na good leader ako. 

And to be honest, hindi rin ako willing. 

Ang bigat.Kasi when people place a crown on your head na feel mo na hindi naman para sayo,

ang instinct mo is to return it.“Wag ako, please.”