James

I wrote a whole post and somehow it disappeared. Ugh. I'll try to recreate it now.

hair- hair continues to grow all over my body. I seem to notice new hair growth each day. My facial hair is a bit slow which I realized would probably happen and I recently shaved off my dirt stache which I totally regret now as my face looks bare without it, and it makes me look a lot younger without it too. I’ve had a couple of funny moments where strangers were convinced I was a teen boy. It doesn't help that I tend to dress like a teenager as well, but people do seem confused when I’m out with my kids. 

Voice- it continues to sound deeper. I think I've had one pretty massive drop in my voice so far. All the other voice changes have been pretty gradual. At this point anyone that hasn't seen/spoken to me in a while notices a huge change in how I sound.

Emotional changes are more noticeable the last few months. I feel off lately. Irritable, really moody and depressed. I have an appointment with my dr very soon and I will be discussing my mental health with him. I'm pretty sure I need to lower my dose of t and I think these changes are hormone related.

 Another thing that has been on my mind lately is fitting in. I am very new to passing as male and while I am very happy that the world is perceiving me as male I am having trouble feeling like I fit in. I notice that women are a lot less friendly with me (I get why) and I notice that men generally pay more attention to me, which is very strange. When I presented as a butch lesbian I rarely had men interact with me. Now i’m noticing two types of main interactions with men 1) they are friendly to me, making eye contact, nodding their heads, etc (this is a good thing) or 2) they are aggressive with me. i’ve had a few interactions where men have told me to move, called me a pussy or glared at me. I don’t know what’s up with that but its scary and I generally just put my head down and move along. I have the overall feeling that I don’t fit in right now. I don’t know what’s expected of me as a man and I know I don’t want people to perceive me as a woman...I don’t even know what i’m trying to say, I just know that i’m struggling with my place in the world right now. Some of it is transition related for sure and some is due to other circumstances in my life. Its a weird and unsettling place to be. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am happy with my transition. I am happy to look into the mirror or see a photo of myself and not feel disappointed, confused, or generally unhappy. I’m just finding my place and its hard than I expected. I tend to be a very introspective person so having these thought/feelings about my place in the world are not new for me and the intensity around it isn’t new for me either. Just something worth noting, I guess. 

Lastly, my name change is partially done. I’ve got my name changed with the province I live in and have changed both my name and gender marker on my licence. Next up is changing my name and gender marker on my provincial health card, then changing my name and gender on my birth certificate which is in a different province, then social insurance, then from there my marriage certificate, my kids birth certificates, my passport, bank, mortgage, etc. The paperwork is overwhelming but i’m happy i’ve at least started and my current identification is changed. 

My voice sounds firmly masculine now. I no longer get misgendered on the phone, or actually in person now.

I had top surgery at the end of September which has altered my appearance a lot. My chest was very large that even with binding breasts were noticeable I lost around 10 lbs overnight. I’m still getting my head around how my chest looks and feels.

My facial hair is coming along. My moustache is noticeable now but is still hilarious and dirt stache-like. I know it’s ridiculous but I’m pretty attached to it. My sideburns continue to grow at a slow but steady pace and I’ve now got 4 hairs on my chin that join the neck fuzz. The rest of my body is continuing to grow hair at a rapid rate which makes me pretty happy.

Passing. I am passing a lot more now than I was last month - like most of the time now. I’ve started using men’s washrooms all of the time now. I’m still quite surprised when someone genders me correctly and I have to remind myself often that I’m being read as male. I like it and it’s an adjustment.

Hunger. Its intense and I could eat endlessly. I wake up in the middle of the night hungry, I finish eating a meal and am hungry minutes later. It's ridiculous.

I had top surgery September 27, 2018 - 11 months since I came out to my therapist, wife and friend. What a year!

How am I doing?

Currently at 3 days post op I am very tired from mostly the painkillers, I think. The pain killers are helping manage the pain right now so continuing to rest and heal is my priority. Took my bandages off and changed them for new ones today. Got a small look at my chest and everything looks good so far. I’ve got some swelling and a pretty large bruise on the right side but I think that’s to be expected after surgery. The bandages on my nipples didn’t need to be changed so left those and haven’t seen what’s happening there yet.

I’m now 11 days post op. I’m still tired but not as much as I was a week ago, I still have drains in unfortunately. My left side drain will likely be ready to come out sometime in the next week, however my right side is still pretty full so I don’t know when that one will come out. The bruising on my right side is clearing up nicely so I’m hoping th right side will heal up nicely. I had a peek at my nipples and am in fact starting to feel tingly sensation in my nipples which I’ve read is a sign of healing. My left nipple looks pretty good and I seem to get a lot of tingly feeling in that one, the right side...I don’t know. It’s definitely not as nice looking as the left. So we will see what’s up with that when I go to my follow up this coming week.

In terms of pain I have very little from my incisions, sometimes there’s a bit from under my arms if I stretch too much, but mostly nothing and I am off all painkillers which is also nice. My head is much clearer and I feel so much more like myself. I can only move my arms a small amount which is really annoying. My wife and I call them T. Rex arms because I’m so limited in my movement.

4 weeks post op now and I’ll post this and maybe do some monthly updates. I still have 1 drain in unfortunately, but it is decreasing in volume and lightening up in colour which is what the other one did. It’s just taking a while which my doctor said can happen.

I had stitches and bandages removed when I was 3 weeks post op. Between getting that done and having the 1 drain removed I am feeling so much better. I have more mobility and am feeling more healed and confident in my movements.

My chest is healing really well. My incisions are looking great and both my nipples have made it and are also healing so nicely. The nerve reconnecting feelings I had a lot of weeks 2-3 post op are gone and I’ve got feeling in most of my chest above my incisions. The only place I am really numb is under my armpits which was making it weird for me to put my arms down naturally. I’m definitely adjusting to my new body. I keep reminding myself to stand straighter and push my chest out. There is also something to be said for the strange feeling of my nipples being in a completely different place than I’m used to. It’s not a bad feeling necessarily, just weird.

Clothes. I love them and my chest was a huge trigger for dysphoria in the past. All it would take would be a shirt fitting weird to make me feel uncomfortable. I’ve had to size down in all my shirts as my chest was very large even binding, but I am so grateful at how clothing fits me now. I look in the mirror and feel relief, gratitude and a sense of recognition now. It’s amazing and intense.

At the very beginning of this month my testosterone was raised again so we will see what changes come with this new dose.

Acne is a huge thing this month. I have had a significant amount of pimples and breakouts. Pre-T I mostly just washed my face with soap and water. Now I’ve bought acne washes and am making it a routine to try and clear up my skin.

Facial hair. I’m trying to grow out the stache and burns. I’m having a bit more success with the moustache as the side burns are quite light in colour and fuzzy.

Hair continues to sprout up all over my body. I’m pretty sure new hairs grow every single day. It’s fun to look for :)

My voice continues to lower. It’s gotten past the I sound like I have a cold stage for the most part so I’ll see where it goes.

I had top surgery September 27 so that is obviously the most significant change in regards to transition and my body at this point.

Hair. I have more of it everywhere on my body. Especially on my chin and upper lip. Lots of fine hairs with some that are black and coarse. Most of the hair is peach fuzz and isn't very noticeable unless you are very close to me, but it's sprouting on my face, neck, arms, legs, hand, fingers...everywhere.

My voice is still changing except now it's noticeable to others. Today I had 3 people ask me if I am sick because my voice sounds different. I notice I'm also not getting "Ma'am-ed" as much and almost never over the phone. I think my voice and my looks are firmly androgynous right now.

My mood continues to be stable and very even. I have cried a few times this past month which is good. I was getting worried I couldn’t cry anymore as I’ve heard other trans folks talk about not being able to cry after starting t. Crying is less intense and less involved. When I cried before t it was intense and consumed my body. Now it’s less intense and shorter in duration.  

I’m stronger physically. This one is difficult to measure though because around the same time I started T I started working out. The last month I haven’t been working out as much as I would like to because of a new job and some other life changes, but I am stronger for sure. I can pick my wife up. I’ve never been able to do this in the 20 years we’ve been together. Now, my wife is not a large woman at all she’s quite slim but I still feel this is an accomplishment. I can also lift the same amount at my job as the other guys I work with. So this increase in strength is making me more motivated to find more time to get back into a gym routine.

Kind of related to my strength I’ve noticed this month I want to hit shit. Like physically punch things. I’m not angry, I just feel like I have a lot of energy that I want to get out through punching. This is yet another motivator to get back into the gym.

Lastly, hunger. I’m so much hungrier now than I was pre-t. The last time I woke up this hungry was when I was pregnant. I’m able to eat and eat and eat, yet another reason to get back into a gym schedule.

I am two months on testosterone today!

Here are some changes I’ve noticed over the last month:

Hair on bottom of legs starting to thicken

Slight hair on the back of thighs starting

Slight voice changes. Sounds like I have a cold some days. I can speak very low if I try but my natural speaking voice is still on the higher end.. Can’t yell as loud as I used to because my voice feels like it’s going to give out.

Increase in body odour. Smells different and stronger

Oily sheen on face all the fucking time

Slight increase in pimples

Moods are more even. Less highs and lows. Less crying and depressive episodes.

More hair coming all over body. Fine hairs on hands, arms, legs, stomach, chest, chin and upper lip- the starting of a dirt stache 😉

High sex drive has made a come back (no pun intended)

Today marks my first month on testosterone.

Not many changes that I’ve noticed since I last wrote an update. I was hoping to skip my period this month considering it came the day after my first shot last month, but no such luck. I’ve still got a period. It’s lighter for sure, but still there.

Maybe I’ll eventually organize my thoughts and contain them to a single post, or maybe it’ll always be like this here...who knows?

I’m entering into my third week on T. Up to this point I’ve noticed and written about physical changes including

- increased energy and sometimes feeling jittery after my shot

- bottom growth (👍🏻)

- increased sex drive

- scratchy/tight throat.

- I can sing lower than I used to and can’t sing as high as I used to

I’ve recently begun to notice some emotional or mental changes too. I’m noticing I’m a lot more in control of my emotions. I don’t know if it’s an actual thing or placebo effect due to being happier now that my transition is moving forward. But before t I was a very emotional person - ok I probably still am, but I used to lose control of those emotions particularly anger and sadness easily. I’m noticing that I’m better able to handle intense emotions and not react so much.

I don’t know if I’ll continue weekly updates or just wait and do monthly ones.

The voice thing I noticed last week is still around, but it happens at all times of day now. My voice will feel scratchy or tight and then nothing.

Today marks one week on T for me. Not much to report except I’m hyper aware of any changes so much so I am likely imagining things.

It’s official! Yesterday June 7, 2018 with the guidance of my dr I gave myself my first shot of testosterone!

I’ve faced a fair amount of barriers in starting my medical transition, so I did reach a point where I wondered if anything would happen for me. I’ve also just generally had a rough time personally lately so this happening is feeling extra significant. Like it’s maybe the first thing of many to fall into place for me.

As for the rest of my medical transition there’s been lots going on there too. I had my third appointment with the psychiatrist which led to a gender dysphoria diagnosis, a top surgery referral (!), and the final piece to my name and gender marker change journey. Now I am able to change all my legal documents to reflect who I actually am.

Oh wow! Lots has happened this last month in terms of transition.

My doc didn’t give me T last month cuz of some health problems I’m addressing. Going back in at the end of this month for another round of blood work which will hopefully lead to getting T finally.

Had 2 appointments with the psychiatrist in an effort to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis. The first was with the actually doc and it was kinda terrible. I was nervous and didn’t realize I would have to prove my transness, turns out thats exactly what I was supposed to do. At the end he said he didn’t think I was secure In my male identity because I lived as a butch lesbian for too long. 🙄🙄🙄 Buuut he helpfully added he wasn’t going to stop my transition but he didn’t want me to regret it. This was after meeting with me for 25 minutes only.

Second appointment was with his nurse. That was awesome. I was way less nervous and got to say the things I needed to. She seemed to think everything with me is pretty clear cut and I should have no problem getting a diagnosis. We will see with this next appointment in 3 weeks from now.