Hi! I'm Jamie!

Probably. I have a beautiful girlfriend that I’ve met not too long ago. A still haunts me. Though, the visions lately have been a smidge happier. I’m remembering the fun that we had. The future visions have changed to fairy tales that are lovely to dream about. I think I’m finally being able to move through it. I know it’s not a linear recovery, but it’s nice to know that it hurts much less.

I dream about how they would look at me, with those beautiful blue eyes. She always had curly hair that I adored. I even loved it when she cut it short. I loved the way she looked then and I love the way she looks now. I don’t care how much she wanted to change her appearance, only if the same playful soul that was there, I melted.

I remember her saying that she wanted to be fat one day so some lesbian could take care of her for the rest of her life. Honestly, same.

A is one of those relationships that she never liked me the way I liked her. Like I had bigger feelings for her or something. I think that’s still true. I remember going to a party with her in college and I had kissed another girl. I don’t think she found out.

It wasn’t until that day that I was mad at her that she told me she loved me. And it happened again. I was so jealous of how free she was. Her autism shadowed by her bright and beautiful persons.

Last night I had a bad dream with my ex girlfriend. I don’t remember much, only that it felt like she was still wanting to leave me. I know it’s not much to go on or rewrite my life about it. Still, this ‘healing in a non-linear way’ thing really has me back and forth about what happened.

I started going to a transgender support group. A lot of my friends around here are always doing something, but it never seems like it’s with me. I am trying my best to make new friends and branch out when I know I’ve lost a sense of family.

I’ve been looking after a bunch of companions that need to be house sat. Dogs and cats are this worlds way of letting us know that we can all live together, and if we abuse that relationship the trauma will haunt us into the grave.

Seeing a therapist all of these days is really good for my mental health, but they confronted me in the last session about my antics. They said that I have been taking on and avoidant personality and that I am unable to move past a bunch of the barriers because I feel like leaving unresolved issues on the shelf.

I am lonely.

I’ve been having the hardest time returning to love after what happened with A. I think it’s getting better? I don’t know. I had some good conversations and bad conversations with the people I know. People that still want to call me by my dead name.

I wanna see A again. I remember that this was one of the last photos we took together:

Weekend photo dump 🩷

I think someone wants to be in a relationship with me. I don’t even know if I’m ready. A has had a hold on me for the better half of a decade. All I dreamed about was waking up next to them and smelling the after effects of last night’s sex. Playing with each others hair and staring so far into each others eyes that it felt like infinite stars passing through a galaxy.

I remember feeling what it was like to kiss them for the first time. As they looked at me from my bed and gave the most sincere expression of desire. I broke up with my then girlfriend right then and there because I knew I didn’t wanna miss a shot at this. We fucked in the middle of a party. The chatter of the crowd from the outside of my door was enough to silence our moans and screams.

I know I’m not perfect. I know I’ve probably progressed to a less than perfect version of myself that isn’t necessarily good at sex. I think they miss how rough our sex was. Now I feel so out of touch with what people want in bed. I think that’s one thing that scarred A off. I couldn’t keep up with the sex.

I have so many thoughts as to why they didn’t want to stay. Anything short of getting on my knees and pleading would get me nowhere. It felt like I was doing just that. Clasping my hands together, looking up at her with tears in my eyes. Groveling.

They post about fantasizing a partner that obsesses over them. How is this for size? I mean, this blog may as well be one big giant fan page for A.

What the fuck am I even doing? Reliving my shitty dating life so that I can continue to step into nothing-ness? Is the time for hope over?

I’ve taken to using a certain tool for shaving as an escape into something that I don’t ever want to think about again. The thoughts are still too strong. My feelings too shattered. My body too exhausted.

I don’t think she will ever find this blog. I don’t think she will ever find me again. Who’s to say that she even wants to? Who’s to say that she ever cared? Fuck, I know Ive loved more deeply, fought more ravenously, and thought more euphorically for this person more so than I have for anyone else.

“God make me famous, if you can’t, just make it painless.”

and yet, I still wonder how I am going to be. Fuck. I still think about A. I keep trying to find her on this app. I and up finding some sad blog that writes about lost love. They all remind me of you even more. The way you talked, the way you were assertive to anyone that talked badly to me or you. I remember how you used to say “don’t be mean to my partner” whenever I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Like I’m the ugliest thing on the face of the earth, and there you were. Telling me the admiration you had for me.

I don’t know how you did this to me. How I did this to me. I cried to a hook up because I think that I am scary to look at. 6’4”, lean trans girl that has a drinking problem….

I wanna know that you still think of me. I wanna know that you cared a little. That what we had wasn’t for nothing. That I meant something.

I wish you never fucking left. I wish I hadn’t fallen for you so hard. I wish that your name didn’t mean anything to me. I wish I didn’t feel like I need to self harm every 5 minutes. The pain makes it feel like I can’t feel anything for a split second. Now I get why so many people are into it.

I wanna keep texting you and telling you that it’s always been you. I think you made it clear to stay the fuck away when I got blocked on everything. Why?