veni, vidi, vici!

“    umm.. too early to tell.   i do stupid things for love at least three times a week, if you haven’t noticed.  i mean, falling in love with a married woman was pretty stupid, but is it the worst thing i’ll ever do?  probably not.  love and stupidity seem to walk hand-in-hand.  at least with me, anyways.     ”

“    dude, how can you ask me that after i told you about the whole scout incident?  rude.  aaah   - actually - you see, that’s complicated, because we don’t actually control dreams and it’s important to remember that. especially when you dream you’re having sex in a pool with a certain brunette who will remain unnamed until i’m on my deathbed - what’s important to remember is that …   we don’t control dreams.   ”

“  well that’s a very… long list.   you see - if you ask my friends, they’ll tell you it was the time i sang ‘it’s raining man’ in full drag in vegas. i disagree, i killed that - i think it was the time my friend harry told me mary poppins wasn’t real, so i decided to prove him wrong by jumping off the roof with my mom’s umbrella.   i was fine… my mom’s umbrella - not so much.    ”

“  um… in the ICU, probably. —– listen, i…   am not all that proud of it - it was by request, ok? stop judging, i was in love.  ”

“   my first time with scout.  i kissed her, we were… really, really wasted. we rolled all the way to the rug laughing like the inebriated idiots we were, then i told her i loved her - and she responded with: ‘i think i might be gay’ - which of course… made me feel really bad, so i panicked… tried to get up and tripped, the wine spilled on the carpet, i accidentally pushed some of the rug in the fireplace with my foot and it caught on fire - the fire alarm went off and then… we sort of had to wait for the firemen to come over and turn it off because we’d forgotten how. we were still half naked and drenched when they got there. i’m pretty sure one of them gave her his number. she only told me it was a joke like a day later, i really fucking hate her.  ”

we might be soulmates. sometimes when when i’m really high, i think we were destined to meet, that’s why everything she does feels so familiar to me. everyday it’s like i’m remembering more. i think i’d find her again and again, throughout our lifetimes, across space, and make a complete fool of myself until she laughs. i really do love hearing her laugh.

“    oh, c’mom on !    please don’t stay mad at me  - i hate when people are upset at me. just tell me how i can make it better...    ”    trailing close behind her, he speed-walks, rushing every step to get a little ahead, enough to block her pathway into the narrow hallway.    “   i’m sorry, ok?  i really didn’t know that was mr.harrison’s house. but at least you were dressed!  everybody saw me in my underwear, isn’t that punishment enough?   ”  @criimzn​

you really should pick your moments to be mean to people. definitely not on the rooftop.

“   fuck - i really regret cheating on scout.  she could be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but… she was a shockingly good girlfriend.  she pushed me to write, played to my hair and even kept me from cutting all the sleeves off my shirts. she could be really sweet when she wanted to.    ”

“   big enough that i have the confidence not to send unsolicited dick pics.   ”

um…  are these like - getting harder? i don’t like it. ok - ok , so fuck vivienne, right, because - if you need to bang away the pain of an ex, i’m your guy. marry calla, because we get along well enough and also i’m convinced she’d agree on a little mermaid theme for the wedding, and kiss analyn because she’s cute and also people need to stop assaulting her. 

“   hand dryers are disgusting and people need to stop using them. like, where do you think the air’s coming from? stop it.    ”

“    oh yeah - like… about ten people currently, not counting like… celebrities and stuff.  calla  &  crimson are pretty cute, though.  analyn’s cute too.   also detective castille.  oh - and nate’s mom.  there’s a lot of pretty girls around, i don’t know what to tell you.    ”

fuck off: alicemarry: crimsonkiss: maddy, because maybe we shouldn’t joke about murder for - you know, awhile