Jaja

You are the one who cuts our shit– you are the one who walked away and went back to your ex, and I accepted it if that's what makes you happy.

Now, you're dating with another girl that you are unsure of. And yet you want me to stay where you left me.

You want me to stay in the pain you put up on me.

You want me to be found where you left me and still be miserable with the pain you cause me.

Hope you'll realize how hard and painful it is.

But I want to freed from it.

I want to give myself the right to be free from pain.

But I understand why we ended, why aren't we together right now.

I'll just keep on holding on to this tiny chance til I can.

After all the pain-

What flows, it flows.

Might as well leave it all this year,

all the pain and all the people that cause me-

but

I am afraid that for sure, i’ll bring the lesson with me, together with all the traumas i had.

Hope 2023 will be better.

my anxiety is killing me, my thoughts, my what ifs.

what if as I wait for him, he'll find someone.

what if we're not really meant for each other?

i am learning how to be happy

with the people i have now

especially with myself– alone.

that one day, i might forget all about us.

Everyday, along the way as I am traveling way back home, there's a tapsilogan named after him. So pag alam kong malapit na yung UV don, i'll stop on scrolling my phone and stare at that signage with his name hanggang malagpasan.

Then after that, I always force myself to remember everything about him.

I don't delete our photos on my phone so I could stare at it everytime I want coz I am happy remembering our memories together.

from the first day that we met

our kwentuhan, sharing of thoughts and ideas

the way he looked at me

his smile

his smell

his voice

how precious it is to have someone who is so proud of you. How can you not love someone who is so pure and mature in handling you? How can u resist those stares and smiles? and how can you not love someone who chose to love your daughter more than everything. and how can you resist someone who knows God?

i know to myself that there is still pain and my heart is still processing it. But I know that he is worth it.

He is worth it.

I am writing here with a heavy heart.....again. trying to hold back all the tears but not having enough strength to.

This time, it was not because i’m in pain with hatred, but a broken with a grateful heart-- grateful that I had you, even for a short period of time.

That i had the chance to experience the love that is certain and pure. I finally had the chance to feel loved without any reservations and to regain my confidence because you fuels it every single day. To have the time even on your most tiring and busy day. Thank you for accepting me completely, for letting me know how it feels to have someone who is proud having me.

I understand that the universe didn’t agree for us this time but still keeping my hopes up that one day, when the time is right, we will meet again and have that chance to grow our planted seeds.

I understand the we need to settle first our personal baggage coz we deserve peace on having each other, being complete and not being confused or having second thoughts about how we really feel.

I understand the we need to focus first on our priorities by compromising what we really feel and the things that is making us happy. Like what you said on our first date “Love is compromise’, and I really admire you because your words are your actions and I can’t thank you enough for teaching me that kind of love.

Yet, all your advices as Kuya Gab will be noted, even though I know for myself that fixing my family by going back to him will not happen in the future. For Adeline, i’ll fix my relationship with him as the father of my daughter. And also, i’ll pray that God will heal my heart and remove all my hatred. Thank you so much for making me realize that as I continually try to escape my reality.

You have a great family! Please thank them for me, for being warm on accepting me, the feeling I didn’t felt before. Also that I look up to them as a parents for raising you so well. Also the hug of your mom as she said goodbye, I never had a hug from another mom before. Also Nadine, i’ll never forget how she run towards me for a hug!! I’ll also see her soon.

It just broke me to know that the love I prayed for came but not in the time it supposed to be. To be honest, i really wanted to beg you to stay and let me fight for my battles alone while having you beside me coz aside for Adeline, you calm my storms, but I did not, coz i’ll be selfish knowing that it bothers you being with me.

I never know what will happen. but rest assured that I will forever treasure you. I’ll meet you again when my heart is ready-

I love you Gabriel.

Lately i’ve been so anxious about my life, lola talked to me and said “ayusin mo buhay mo”, tho i know it is a reminder with love as a lola, it made me realize how i messed up every role i have.

Eldest daughter/sister: Dati sabi ko magtatapos ako ng pag aaral, magpapatayo ako ng tatlong magkakatabing bahay para samin magkakapatid. Kasi yun yung gusto ni daddy at alam ko mapapasaya ko sila don. Sabi ko bibigyan ko na lang sila ng business para hindi na sila mahirapan magtrabaho at para magkakasama na lang kami. Nagtapos naman ako ng college, pero hindi pa ko nakakabawi sa pamilya ko, di ko pa sila nabibigyan ng maayos na buhay, pumasok naman ako sa isang role pa (which is pagiging mom)

I know nadisappoint ko si daddy, nasaktan sya sa ginawa ko kasi sobrang unexpected from me na magdedecide ako agad agad ng ganun without letting them know and without going through the right process (marrying before parenting), pero they choose to accept the fact that ther big baby is going to have her own baby.I super appreciate the forgiveness and love from them. Alam mo yung feeling na nadapa ka tapos inalalayan ka tumayo, ganun.

I also feel so guilty sa mga kapatid ko, hindi ko pa sila nasspoil eh. Hindi ko pa sila nabibilihan ng mga gusto nila. Ngayon i’m giving all i have para mabigyan sila ng mga hinihingi nila, kahit nga walang matira sakin ayos lang eh. Iniisip ko din kasi yung fact na someday maiiwan ko sila kasi i will have my own family na which makes me so emotional kasi hindi pa ko handa na iwan sila,

Disciple: Sabi nga sa ‘From the Inside Out’ ng Hillsong United 

“ A thousand times I've failed Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again I'm caught in Your grace”

It’s been 4mos darling, since God blessed my womb with you.

I am writing this to you because I want you to know that I am having a great time walking on this journey of you growing in my tum. I am so excited to know everything about you my sweetheart.

Are you a boy or a girl Whom you look like What does your cry sounds How’s your precious smile

To this time, all is settled my love. . I want you to be happy while on my tummy, continue being active coz i love feeling your kicks!! Be constantly active darling <3

We’re waiting for you, i love you my little one.

Psalms 24:1 NIV

———

When you're doubting if God still cares for you and if He still acknowledge you as His child, because the sins you made made you depart from His presence and will.Be reminded of this.

Nothing can seperate you from God–not even your sins. Just acknowledge that you made mistakes, confess it to Him through prayers and believe that you are still His child, no matter what.

He is more willing to cleanse you from your sins and make you a better version, molded by His grace and love.

Cheer up!

As you go along the journey, learn how to embrace yourself– your assets and strengths, imperfections and weaknesses. Enjoy every phase because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.  Always be kind to yourself, self-love is a must. Take care of your mental health. Be confident, nobody’s perfect anyways. Bloom on the inside, coz it will reflect on those smiles

Be happy, you deserve it.

Love, Jaja

Time Management | Adulting with Joyce Pring

I know the everyday battle is so hard and you've been fighting for too long and you think life seems so tough every single day. Your unfinished battles and the new ones make your world too heavy and hard for you to move forward. Sometimes you are losing hope and everything seems blurred and you cannot understand what's happening, you don't even know where this journey leads you. You feel like no one understands you, even the closest ones.

But woman, I want you to know that your battles are entrusted to you by God because He knows you are strong enough to handle those and you are able to conquer. He gave it to you because He trusts you, He is proud of you and He wants to prove to the world that YOU ARE MORE THAN JUST A WOMAN. YOU ARE MORE THAN A CONQUEROR. YOU ARE GOD’S SPECIAL POSSESSION!

You don not know the word "giving up", instead you know how to keep on striving, how to win every battle and taking time to learn every lesson in every season.

It's okay to feel tired, you can rest

It's okay to feel weak, because God will make you strong

It's okay to feel empty, because God will fill you.

Keep on fighting– seasons change. Stop comparing your journey to others, we have our own unique story to make. Make every page of your life wonderful. It may be your hard season for now, keep on turning the page, you will soon arrive on the next chapter of your life and surely, God made that amazing and worthy of all your pain today. Keep moving forward, warrior.

-Arh ❣️