selfish stupid

sometimes i feel like i’m asking for too much when all i want is to be loved by you.

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You can still love them, even from a distance. Even if you've lost connection with each other—it was your heart that had felt the magical feeling towards someone—someone who couldn't appreciate the value of your existence. And it wasn't your fault if you feel how the way you felt now. You are a loving and caring human being. But remember that you deserve to experience all the love you give others too.

“you. it will always be you. don’t you get that? if i had the choice between you and a million things i’ve always wanted, i would choose you every single time.”

“you don’t know how everything you do affects me. every single little thing you do, because you’ve always been a part of my heart. you’ve always been a part of me.”

“so why did i start crying when i found out? well, it’s because any thought of you nowadays makes me sad. it’s because any thought of you reminds me that i almost once had you. every thought reminds me that you pretended you cared about me, when you really didn’t. and i really hoped you did, i really hoped you would. i hoped you were going to stay. but you did everything but. i really liked you. i had never put myself forward with any guy like i did with you. you broke my heart in a million little pieces, and everyday without you they break even more. now my heart is all over the place, and so is my mind, because i’ll never find you again, and i’ll never get to talk to you again or hear from you again. and the fact that you’re going to be in the same place as her, when all i wished for was to be in the same place as you, is just so unfair. it’s just so unfair that you’re living your life and i don’t get to see you, i don’t get to cheer you on, i don’t get to be on the sidelines and have you look for me in the crowd. because when you look into crowds, you’re looking for someone else. and you find home anywhere without me in it. and we’re so close to each other now but so far away and everything between us, no matter the distance, is so, so complicated. and now, you’re going to be even further away. and if my heart is breaking like this now, imagine then. but maybe you being far away is one of the better things to happen to me. but either way, i just wish i could stop breaking over you. and letting every thought remind me of what you could have been to me, what we could have been.”

“Here we go again, I think, as I pull you closer, letting you in, already preparing myself to throw you back out again. It’s always like this. It’s always been like this. I do not need you, I’m convinced, but once you’re over the threshold I’m too weak to tell you to leave. Nails scraping over skin, this is not what I want. Your breath in my hair, this is not what I need. But I don’t know how to be different around you. I don’t know how to talk to you, so it always ends like this. You once told me you would have me without my armour or you wouldn’t have me at all, so I decided to give you a secret every time you came over. Some of them were true, most of them were not. You created this person in your head, this stranger, made up of all the fragments I handed to you. You wanted an idea of me, someone who didn’t even exist. On some days I wished you would get to know me, really get to know me, and still decide to stay. On others I wished you would get to know me and decide I wasn’t worth coming back to. You might have thought you wanted all these details about me, but I don’t think that’s true. You never would have wanted what I had to offer, but I was fine with that. After all you were a liar, too. You told me you could stop seeing me whenever you wanted, but you’re still here. And I still open the door every time you knock. So at what point are we going to stop?”