ramblings of a radical feminist fangirl

Shared here today by Matthew Boroson on Facebook. (ETA: Gaining inspiration from other authors is great. Lifting passages and avoiding giving credit isn’t.)

Firstly, names? Ilyana is a legit name, but it ain’t Russian. However, apparently it’s not unheard of in Russia and probably would just be considered a feminised version of ‘Ilya’. Maybe it could be a whole thing where she was expected to be a boy so they had a name picked out and now the name is a reminder that she was a disappointment from the start (SORRY sorry). As for Shane, that’s easy: Shannon! But Shay/Shea could work too.

IMO Ilyana would be a total muscle mommy who constantly struts around in sports bras and bike shorts or hotpants, but she would dress up femme when she goes out partying. Long curly/wavy blonde hair, kinda 80s perm vibes, and I think Shannon would have a Thing about watching her put it up or take it down. Ilyana would absolutely know this and weaponise it. She’d have some ‘girly’ kinda habits that she’d indulge when she has time, like face masks or pedicures.

Shannon would look and style herself basically the same as Shane imo, but maybe would have a cute lil bob with bangs to try to look less butch. Ilyana would call her Edna Mode at one point and Shannon would see her whole life flash before her eyes and then decide immediately to grow out the bangs. She’d dress in sensible athletic gear or plaid and jeans… until her 2017 stylist era when she’d show up in futch semi-formal chic - like I’m talking fitted waistcoat over a button down with the sleeves rolled up - and Ilyana would lose her SHIT. I think Shannon would religiously shave/wax her body hair as a young adult but would eventually realise she actually doesn’t want to do that, she just thought she had to, and then she’d stop.

I have met girls named Shayne. I’ve met girls named Jimmy and Randy and Jo and Spencer and Tommy.

I’ve met girls that go by Fred and Frankie and George because they hated Winifred and Francis and Georgia.

Now, male characters with feminine names is going to be a lot more rare, and I can see how that wouldn’t be a common thing in Russia.

i speak english the most in day to day life and also think in english sometimes. my accent in english is americanized, pretty indistinguishable from a native (excluding sets of certain phonemes like /rl/) .

but if i’m really tired or spending time just around my wife (with whom i speak english), i sometimes switch to what i call ‘lazy english’.

what this usually consists of is i allow myself to speak english with the russian /r/ phoneme that is more natural for me, i drop articles, replace continuous and future tense with simple present, use the ‘….,yes?’ construct, avoid contractions (bc the verb ‘to be’ is dropped/implied in russian, so contractions aren’t always natural)

for example, when i’m in ‘lazy english’ mode, this is how my speech varies:

‘i’m making the bed’ = ‘i make bed’.

‘you’ll help me later, right?’ = ‘you help me later, yes?’ (for this one, in russian, the same phrasal construct ends with the word ‘yes’ instead of the word ‘right’)

‘can you give me a tissue?’ = can you give me tissue?’

‘where’s the pen? do you have it?’ = ‘where is pen? you have?’

if you pay attention, you’ll notice that a lot of these patterns also occur in ilya’s speech, especially earlier on. that’s why i’m particularly impressed with the writing of his dialogue — it doesn’t come across as stereotyping/caricatural because the way he speaks english is consistent with russian linguistic/grammatical rules. this is often how russian-speaking people speak english when it is their second language and they’re still learning.

you still want?

i still want

i like one shots, filth, established relationship, angst/comfort, introspective character study-esque stuff and fics that lean into the Hockey of it all so this is a lot of that

also i tend to read by author i dont look at tags so one fic here usually means i also love whatever else the author has posted and u should check it out

#goalbody by toomuchplor raaaaahhh i fucking love this one, just like a gritty little treat slice of life kind of fic very much focused on the fact that they are in fact hockey players

too nice by toomuchplor so fucking good perfect balance and tension between character interiority and smut for me

rook by catalpawaltz shane/scott yes you best believe it, changed my fucking brain chemistry feels so fucking real and heavy and now is basically just part of my canon for the show

the awful english language by nomadsland i love you immigrant ilya i love you second language english speaker ilya this explores it so beautifully and perfectly

til they retire your number by technicallyverycowboy PERFECT established relationship angst. just like so perfectly stretched between what they have and what they yet don’t, so sad and visceral and again leans into the hockey of it all

the whole perfect from now on series by anonymous is my fucking bible but especially;

careful all the time holy shit so perfect my god perfect svetlana render for me, perfect svetlana and ilya relationship render, explores jealousy and the ways their relationship can bend and snap so well, so real but still so sweet

for a split sec, i was a train wreck, ilya character study, dives into the time before tuna melt when he realises he is in love with shane, truly transcendent, the kind of fic that makes you happy you watched the show just so the circumstances fell into place for you to read it, the final line still rings through my mind

wait by waxing___crescent great angst painful painful painful in the best way

how do you feel? by exogenesissnymph no words, i read this half squinting because it was so good it genuinely overwhelmed me, amazing exploration of shane’s character specifically as a public figure

berlin pond by toyourdetriment, unbelievable, stunning, beyond, like once again the kind of thing that makes you thank the heavens you just happened to watch the show, like this is beyond fanfic for me, truly foundational

the performer by toxotes brilliant exploration of shane and specifically his desire/arousal, which is so so special for me

What Ilya is volunteering here when he says, "I like girls, but I also like you," is the idea of putting what he has with Shane on the same level as what he might have, in a fully societally-sanctioned way, with a woman. The question isn't really about whether or not Shane likes girls -- it's about whether Shane can acknowledge that he likes men and/or Ilya the same way he might like (might be expected to like, expects himself to like) girls.

Why would Ilya care whether Shane is gay vs. bi? He doesn't. He wants to know what Shane is perhaps getting up to with girls, if anything, presumably in private since he hasn't heard of anything, so he can gauge where their thing ranks in Shane's life, if Shane is even consciously ranking it at all. He's probing whether Shane is interested in/capable of seeing what they have as a relationship, as anything other than "a bad idea."

And Ilya is precisely right to probe this, because Shane isn't acknowledging it to himself yet! Shane is so utterly drawn to Ilya, yet his internal self-talk is still completely about how he shouldn't be doing this, can't keep doing this, he keeps going back to him because his resolve is weak, he'll end it next time, etc. etc. He absolutely refuses to entertain an image of himself as a queer man who is simply and normally and mutually attracted to Ilya, which means he is deluding himself out of the context he needs to interpret Ilya's overtures here.

Ilya begins by describing his relationship with Svetlana as long-standing and intimate both sexually and personally but ultimately not romantic and, more importantly, not threatening to what he might feel towards certain other people who may or may not be sitting on his sofa eating a tuna melt. I mean, for all Ilya knows, Shane might have turned this around and said, "well sure, of course, that sounds the same as what we're doing: we're old friends now who fuck regularly because it's convenient but it's not more than that," and that would be an answer for Ilya. But that would require Shane to admit to himself that yes, he is regularly fucking a man in a way he enjoys and means to continue, and he's still so far from being able to do that! So instead, all Shane hears from Ilya is a locker room brag, just another element of their 'rivalry' where Ilya can beat him by pulling more women than he ever could or wanted to.

And when Ilya offers, "I like girls, but I also like you," what is Shane not able to say in response to Ilya offering that he likes both girls and Shane? That he likes Ilya back. He can lie that he likes women, 'of course' he likes women, but silence re: liking men/Ilya. He has not reckoned with his attraction to men/Ilya in relation to his self-perception at all, and that is why Ilya is asking, what Ilya is nudging him to do, in the most relaxed, comforting, safe environment that Ilya could think of to create for them. The phone call bails Shane out, and he's able to bring things back around to more "meaningless" sex without fielding any more personal questions that he can't answer. But obviously the sex is not meaningless and when Ilya slips up and uses Shane's first name and Shane responds in kind, Shane is confronted with the idea that what they're doing isn't some kind of "blowing off steam" mutually meaningless whatever thing, that that's not how Ilya has been viewing it, so he panics. The idea that Ilya has been pursuing sex with Shane while actively conceiving of himself (and almost certainly, by extension, Shane) as a queer man, and now might even be trying to pursue something more with him, throws water on all Shane's self-delusions.

From Ilya's perspective, Shane's response is devastating. Ilya may as well have fallen for a straight guy, for all that Shane is available to him, for all that Shane is able to acknowledge his queerness to anyone at this point, including himself. Shane publicly dating Rose is the final nail in the coffin -- Ilya has clearly spooked him so badly by trying to talk about their relationship in any terms other than "a bad idea" that Shane had to get a celebrity girlfriend to push their hookups back into meaninglessness.

SO much amazing fic has been written in just the past two months — here are some of my favorites!

Hollanov fics, roughly in chronological order

I realized only after collecting this list that basically every fic in this category can be summarized as “sexy / funny / sweet but also really Gets the hollanov emotional dynamic”… ya girl is a slut for correct characterization and couples confronting communication challenges!!

Seven Hours by Car by @technicallyverycowboy, 3k, E, approximately during the episode 4 fuckbuddies montage Ilya realizes the holidays are so boring if you're spending them alone. A great depiction of the classic “Ilya initiates something, Shane pretends he’s uncomfortable but is actually super into it” (phone sex version)

coach, I’m threading needles by anonymous, 6k, E, approximately during the episode 4 fuckbuddies montage Ilya fucks a girl in a Hollander jersey. Word gets back to Shane. Extremely hot, and a great window into their feelings during episode 4

where the waves meet the shore by toxica939, 3k, E and Something New by Rizandace, 4k, M Two codas to episode 6, picking up immediately after Shane and Ilya get back from Shane’s parents’ house. I couldn’t pick which one to recommend because they’re both amazing, so here’s both!

Free Shot by @smugrobotics, 2k, E, at the cottage Sweet and sexy Hollanov free use. Technically a WIP because there’s a second chapter coming, but the first chapter is a complete story on its own.

Oh babe, I hate to go by destielpasta (@ilyapasta on tumblr), 3k, E, at the cottage They had two weeks, and those two weeks are finished. Shane drives Ilya from the cottage to the airport. This feels really true to their characters!

careful all the time by anonymous, 24k, M, the summer of/right after episode 6 An insecure over-thinker and a self-destructive secret-keeper walk into a relationship. A very realistic depiction of the challenges of turning a decade-long secret situationship into a healthy relationship. Svetlana is wonderful in this fic, I love her intelligence about people and hockey and how she applies that to Ilya and Shane. Longest fic on this list but it’s worth it!

Accounting by theribbonsweregreen (@aslongasitsblack on tumblr), 4k, M, after they become official Shane and Ilya talk about personal finance, porn and they are in love. The premise is sexy and the fic is too, but it goes beyond that to explore their relationship as they start trying to build a life together

as high as i might (i can’t get that high) by @residentrookie, 10k, not rated but I’d put it around an M, after Ilya’s move to Ottawa Shane Hollander accidentally gets very high. That's it, that's the fic. Another one where the fic fulfills the premise (it’s funny and cute), and also a really lovely exploration of Shane’s insecurities, how he and Ilya feel about each other, and Hayden’s relationship with both of them.

Ring the Bells That Still Can Ring by @toomuchplor, 6k, E, after Ilya’s move to Ottawa It wasn't any easier the second time Shane got his bell rung. It was actually quite a lot worse. Featuring this incredible paragraph: “‘I put my fingers lots of places to make you happy,’ said Ilya, which sounded like he was being funny, but was also secretly extremely true. ‘Where else do you want them? I put.’ ‘Put them in the sink with a lot of soap and water,’ Shane directed.”

Philsophe, physician by a_good_soldier (@agoodsoldier on tumblr), 6k, E, spans their whole relationship I love their dynamic in this, especially the later sections once they’ve settled into a relationship. And the very tender and accurate depiction of how grief can look over the long term made me cry.

Hollanov canon divergence

My issue with canon divergence is that I can’t really imagine the characters making any choices other than the ones they actually made in the show, so AU fics always feel a little bit OOC to me. But if you can get beyond that, here are two amazing fics with incredibly sexy (and emotionally destructive) Shane/Ilya dynamics.

Penalties by @citrusses, 5k, E Makes me froth at the mouth. Unhappy ending.

But I hate when I feel like this (and I never hated you) by SatsumaSegments, 6k, E, right before the club scene The dynamic between Shane and Ilya is incredibly well written!

bonus recs (not primarily Hollanov-focused)

the creature by a_good_soldier (@agoodsoldier on tumblr), 2k, T Scott Hunter at the MLH awards There are so many great fics showing different version of Scott and Ilya’s conversation at the MLH awards, but this is one of my favorites. I love the window it gives into Scott and homophobia in hockey, plus the interaction between Scott and Ilya is great.

all that moaning, whining, arching, every face he makes, every heavy breath, every teary eyed look, ever desperate grasp of the hand is REAL, coming from the very centre of his soul, like he’s truly letting loose and being driven to the edge, not just acting it all out, and he’s doing it all at the hands of ILYA, every one of these reactions is breaking through six layers of hollander self control

and thinking about how mind numbingly fucking hot that exactly is for ilya

(like imagine u are a guy who has soooo much sex all the time, u could get laid any second of any day, but here comes a guy who genuinely acts like you dicking him down is the only real tangible thing in the world. and he’s a total slut for it!)

Shane’s comphet and compartmentalization of his sexuality and true self outside of a few frantic encounters with Ilya a few times a year is devastating. His refusal to tell anyone in his life - his teammates, his parents, friends he doesn’t have - what he truly wants because he can’t even admit it to himself.

Everything is hockey, everything is brand deals. No, he can’t have a glass of wine because he can’t do anything that’ll potentially impact his performanceon the ice. He can’t date because everything is about his career and when it’s the off season, he locks himself away at his cottage where he spends most of his time alone. Hayden is the closest thing he has to a friend, but if Shane can’t even admit to himself how he feels, how is he supposed to confide in Hayden?

He can have sex with Ilya behind closed doors without words exchanged, but the second it begins to resemble something real, when Ilya starts trying to figure out what Shane really wants, Shane panics and forces himself into a relationship with a woman, because what he has with Ilya doesn’t make sense or fit into any version of himself that he can foresee.

One of the best decisions Jacob Tierney made in the show was showing Shane be intimate with Rose and frame it as devastating and stomach churning. Shane’s performance of heterosexuality is painful. It actively holds him back from being his true self. The book glosses over it and mentions Shane has shitty sex with Rose a couple of times, and doesn’t go into any meaningful detail about how Shane, a gay man in love with another man, forcing himself to have sex with a woman to perform heterosexuality would be extremely difficult and unpleasant for him.

The scene in the show is unpleasant and heartbreaking. We see and feel how much Shane doesn’t want to be doing this, but he feels like he has to.

Shane’s break up with Rose is 10 tens more emotional and impactful in the show than it is in the book, because Shane’s clumsiness with women is not portrayed as a punchline. We see him processing in real time that he can’t just keep faking it. Shane thinks he is good at hiding and compartmentalizing, but it only took Rose two sexual encounters to figure him out. He’s forced to reckon with the fact that he can’t just keep ignoring who he really is and what he really wants.

The scene where we finally get a glimpse into just how painful everything is for Shane is another scene that’s not in the book - Shane’s conversation with Yuna outside.

“I tried. I tried really hard. I just can’t help it.”

Now that he’s finally starting to let go of the performance and separation he’s tried to maintain all of these years - Shane Hollander Hockey Player versus Shane Hollander The Person - he can admit that there’s nothing he can do to change who he is or how he feels, but that will never erase the pain of all those years of trying, of trying to be who his mother wanted him to be and who the MLH wanted him to be. He denied himself the ability to be fully human and fully himself for so long and he’ll never get that time back.