jade lynx

this cocteau twins playlist is really getting me in teh feels

still to this day when i hear heaven or las vegas, like any song off of that album, i think of that awful day with he who shall not be named and how sad that made me but also just…how sad and like…NOTHING my whole entire first 30-ish years of life were

not all of it.

but thinking

well let’s be specific

thinking of the years i was 18 to 28. so a decade of my life until a bit later. around 30. but yeah. that period of life that i won’t ever get back. that was certainly not all bad, but when i think about the choices i made AND WHY i just get…sad

it all could have been so different.

if this…if that… had been different.

but it went that way for a reason. but yeah. i just…

the music on that album feels sadly forever tied to him, which sucks because it’s such a good album. obviously i still enjoy it, but i literally get transported to that day every time i hear that music, and when i think of everything with him and [redacted] and the “good” days and the bad ones. it feels hard to think about. not hard. heavy. painful. i can't be mad—i’m here now and it’s BECAUSE of all those choices i made…the mistakes. the experiences that feel so bittersweet now… that i can finally, consciously CHOOSE a life that i really want.

not that i won’t make mistakes. but that i won’t be abandoning myself when emotions show up—heavy or light, sad or sweet. but moreso…i just feel like i’m lucky to have had the experiences and learned what i DIDN’T want.

i also think about this as like…with my human design profile. being a 6/2… i’m up on the roof now. life is different. quieter. and it’s my time to observe and also take in all the lessons that my first 30 years living more like a line 3 (that is the nature of the 6/2 design)

but yeah. i’m just realizing that i definitely am glad to be starting over. and starting over with so much valuable information about what i DON’T want. WHO i don’t want to be. and THE POWER i have over my own response to whatever experiences i have. the power i have to choose my own reality. the power i have to narrate and define my own life story.

because i didn’t know to do ANY of that before.

i can own everything now. my mistakes. my wins. my accomplishments. i have so much more clarity. so much more access to myself.

and i’m only just getting started. like, it will only get better, deeper, wider from here on out.

yes i have regrets. yes sometimes i wish things had gone…so much differently. i really do.

it makes me really emotional to think about. it makes me sad. thinking about things i did. things i didn’t know. didn’t see. didn’t choose. ugh.

but i no longer blame that version of me. and i don’t have the same shame narrative about it either.

i’m sure this perspective will continue to evolve. but i’m excited about the clarity and perspective i have now. i’m so grateful for me right now, but also all the past variations of me that got me here.

even when i was living…mostly unconscious. i made decisions that helped get me here. going to my first therapist as soon as i got good health insurance. choosing, all by myself, to get a divorce before one or both of us cheated because we were both so dissatisfied and disconnected. recognizing the toxic abuse patterns in my family and clocking them even when i didn’t feel strong enough to leave yet. listening to my intuition even when it was scary and didn’t make sense.

choosing to love and accept myself in my darkest, most isolated and confused days when i had nothing and no one and was barely hanging on by a thread. choosing love. because i knew i wasn’t ready to die, but i couldn’t keep living without love. i was starving for it. so i gave it to myself and here i am, years later and…

i’m no longer starving. i may not yet be feasting either, but i know now and forevermore that i am the source of the love i seek, and i will never stop looking for more and more and finding ways of giving it to myself. because i deserve it. and THAT’S not something i could consciously say 5 years ago. back when i decided to get a divorce and take the first step in a series of steps that changed my life forever.

my nervous system wasn’t prepared to receive all the love i was searching for. it was so painful to discover all of the various ways i had learned to deny myself love. ohhhh, i wouldn’t go back to those days for anything.

i used to want to stay ignorant. unconscious. because the pain of the truth felt like too much to bear. but now? i understand there’s value in finding the darkest corners of myself, my psyche. and exploring them. bringing light to those parts of myself so i can find the hidden treasure that’s buried there, waiting for me to find it.