Jackson’s adventure

So that’s how it ends? I sit here pondering on the thought of all this. I look back and see all these changes. At this point I really don’t know reality from fantasy. Was it the truth or was it a lie. Was all this real,or was it a figment of my imagination? I really am at a loss for words, and my soul feels tired. My mind is a F-4 tornado, spinning out of control at 260 mph. Am I wanted by anyone, or am I just that sad annoying jester that follows people around? In my mind I started out this tall oak with no leaves. Which made me feel naked and cold. I changed myself as time grew on I began to achieve those leaves. Now that it over with and I’ve been left to rot. I’m back to feeling naked and cold. Alone as ever, and it’s all because of one thing. A thing that should be taken seriously not just not by me. A lifetime of happiness, and an oath. Yet here we are it’s was like it was a fantasy. That I was living a fantasy and not living in reality. That everything may of been a lie not the truth. That it all was a figment of my imagination not real life. My mind was really set off, and now we’re reach F-5. Which is the deadliest tornado ever. I’m spiraling out of control and can’t be stop. I’m damaging everything along the way. I was just the Jester following people around. Because that’s what you wanted. I’m just a naked oak tree, and will never have leaves. I gave up on my dream, and I lost all hope. I was destroyed and broke down. What will I do now?

-Jackson R

Imagine this your sitting down with your parents. You say the sentence “I’m gay”. You want them to hug you and say “it’ll be okay”. Instead they just stare at you and ask “Where did we go wrong? What caused this?”. You say what are you talking about. Then they say “ Don’t worry we will fix you”. But deep down inside that’s not what you want to say. So you hold it in and walk away.

Now imagine fast forwarding a couple years. You no longer live with your parents. You’ve been hiding and working on the real you in the dark. You finally got approved to start HRT. You take your first shot! You feel ten times better just because of the thought of being you. So you make an announcement that you are no longer the person you didn’t want to be. Your the man you knew you wanted to be. You then think your parents will be happier. Because you’ll be the straight child they wanted. But you yet again get disappointed. They say “Where did I go wrong? We can send you to get help! (As in conversion therapy). You don’t know what your doing!”. Then theres the main thing you’ve been hearing on the news. “Your just mentally unstable and confused”.

Imagine after hearing all that you goto your room. You shut the door, and begin to write a letter. In this letter you pour your heart out. “Dear those who I have disappointed. I’m truly sorry that I can’t be who you want me to be. Im sorry I’m not that little girl that you wanted. I’m sorry that you’ll never walk me down the isle. I’m sorry I’ll never conceive and carry a child. I’m sorry that you’ll think I’ll ruin the younger siblings. I love you so much and I apologize for being me. Love your daughter”

Imagine being in the shoes of a man having to write daughter instead of son. Imagine being him writing his own suicide note for his family. Now watch as he starts to attempts suicide. Imagine the 500 million things started popping in his head. Such as “no one loves you, no one wants you around, and no one cares that your alive”. Imagine that your sitting there with a belt in your hand. Thinking about how your about to make everyone happy. Because of the pain of not being accepted.

Imagine walking into the room seeing your child hanging from the ceiling. Imagine how you could of prevented this. Imagine how by just saying okay, or we’ll adapt. You pushed your child so hard that they ended their own life.

I wrote this to show how painful it is to come out. I wrote this shed light on the multiple suicides and suicide attempts due to this behavior. Just educate yourself, and love one another. Love over hate ❤️

You wake up. Your laying in bed with that person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You feel them pressed up against you. So your natural instinct is to hold them against you. You feel their skin on your skin. You aren’t wearing a shirt , your chest is perfectly masculine and your comfortable with your body.

So now your trying to wake up and choose a shirt. The fun part is your trying decide what kind of shirt to put on. Whether it’s a tank top, Button up, or tee shirt. The best part is you don’t have to wear a binder, or layer yourself to prevent people from questioning you.

On top of that you no longer have to dress in overly baggy clothes. You don’t have to worry about hugging someone and they feel how lumpy, or unleveled your chest is.

So now it’s time to freshen up! You look in the mirror and see your beard needs a trim. You realize that your unibrow is coming back so you grab your straight edge and fix it. Your hairline is perfect and your freshly cut hair is on point.

You decide maybe I should goto the beach. You go there and feel the sea breeze hit you. You take your shirt off and not worry about people staring at you. You run through the water feel every drop on your chest!

Now you even can decide to got to the gym! You can freely run, stand up straight, swim, weight lift, and honestly whatever you feel like. You no longer have to feel the pain of embarrassment or the pain that the binder is causing.

You never have to worry about people finding your binder, you can dance, sleep, and shower normally without the fear of getting caught. The fear of someone realizing that you aren’t who you say you are is totally gone.

when you call you parent/siblings/aunts/uncles/and grandparents. They call you by the name of your choosing. They use your preferred pronouns him/he/his. They love you for you and accept you.

Your laying down in bed rubbing your hand on a flat chest. Feeling whole and less dysphoric about you body. You are feeling more and more complete!

What’s the point of existence? What’s the point of life in general? These questions are asked single day! Have you sat and thought what goes through ones mind. No one asks anyone anymore what’s going through their head. No one asks the simple question “hey are you okay?”. They don’t look at things the same as you may. They may even react differently. People seem like they don’t want to attempt to understand. They get upset about your life choices, or you lifestyle...

I’m fine don’t worry. No one take this to heart, or believe it’s about you. If it’s anything it’s things I’ve learned the past 4 years.. I’ve been through more then anyone should. I’m stronger then what’s seen on the outside. I will beat anything in my way. Just before you react or single someone out stop and think about how that person is feeling, or why they may be doing something!