jaaymark

maybe that’s all that i am

what’s crazy 

is that i did not learn how to be a family

meant not loving myself

they wonder why i never talk about you

and i always hope that this time, it might be good things.

has ever fought for me

why we don’t talk about romantic affection 

as if it’s something we can’t get hooked on 

i was grazing my fingers against your fade. it just looked really nice. and then u reached up to grab my hand and held it against your face, my palm cradling your cheek. i hugged u more than anything, and for whatever reason, i apologized. i just needed a hug; we all need more hugs, don’t we? besides, you smelled good. and you were so warm.

I’m not sure what to do.

i love him so much. so fucking much. but is this what it’s supposed to feel like? i feel nothing but fear. the voice inside my head says that he will find someone new. someone who texts better. someone who has more confidence. someone who isn’t weighed down by his shitty past.

but the voice inside my head also says that i can’t do this. that i may not be strong enough to weather the distance. that maybe i am meant to keep breaking and that i am meant to keep fixing myself because the act of picking up my pieces tricks myself into thinking i am doing something productive. that i am becoming “better”.