Yūgen

"...do you want me to go?" he asked her after a moment.

harumi looked at him then as if he lost a head. "of course," she responded. "i expect you to come, mr. higuruma!"

hiromi knew deep inside he should be flattered, that being accepted by this specific little girl into her family means something deeper.

that's exactly it—it does mean something more than just 'acting like her dad.'

*if i accept this, what am i promising her?*

hiromi swallows. he folded the paper up again and put it inside his pocket.

"i will talk with your mother about it," he said.

hiromi watches as you set two cups of coffee on the table before settling down beside him. after making yourself comfortable, that's when he brings the letter up. he takes it from his pocket and hands it to you.

"harumi gave me this today."

"hm?"

you take it from his hand. hiromi watches as your expression softens while reading it.

"oh," you chuckle. "family day."

he nods. "she invited me."

"i assumed she would."

"that's what concerns me."

hiromi's shoulder grow rigid when your face falls for a second before you try to brush it off with an amused smile.

"why?" you ask.

"i think it would be better if i didn't attend."

his eyes lift away from yours when he sees you straighten up. his mouth moves before he could stop himself.

"i think i'm becoming too involved—"

"—that's bullshit, hiromi," you laugh out, this time more strained. "you can't... you can't possibly give us everything the last couple of months only for you to... to say that."

hiromi's brows knit together.

"that's not what i meant," he says, a little sharper than he intended to.

"then what did you mean?"

"i meant that i've become too involved in harumi's life before i've made any formal commitment to you."

hiromi takes a deep breath, his hand coming up to run his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"look, this isn't only about you and me," he tries to explain gently, but he can already see you bracing yourself. despite this, he continues. "it's about harumi, too. she's... already attached to me, and i don't want to encourage that attachment unless i know i can stay—"

"—know if you can stay?" hiromi finally looks at you as you stand up in frustration. you start pacing the room as you add, "so, what—all those... those 'indulging us' you asked me to let you do and... and all those 'showing up when it mattered' was just... what? testing the waters?"

"that's not—"

"—what you meant?" you laugh humorlessly. "so you're not sure of this. of us. of my daughter."

"will you just let me finish?"

you finally freeze in your tracks. hiromi starts making his way forward, steps heavy with frustration before finally stopping a few feet away from you. for a moment, neither of you says anything.

he can see it now; the way your arms folded over your chest. the way your shoulders have gone rigid. the way you're refusing to look at him. you're mot angry, at least not emtirely—you're scared.

"...i am sure of you," hiromi says quietly.

you finally looks at him.

"then why are you talking like you're not?"

"because i'm not sure of myself." hiromi exhales. looking down at his hands. "i know what i want. i want you. i want to be with you. i want to wake up beside you every morning and come home to you every night."

he pauses.

"and i want harumi in my life." his voice softens, "but wanting something and knowing that i can give it everything it deserves are two different things."

you stare at him in disbelief. "then what have you been doing?" you ask, voice trembling.

"...what?"

"you keep talking about what you're going to give her, hiromi, but she doesn't want some grand promise from you. she wants you to show up—that's it. that's all you've been giving her, and now you're telling me that was too much? what did you expect to happen from the attachment you've already created?"

"i don't want to make her believe something i haven't earned the right to promise yet."

"you've been doing that!" you snap. "you showed up every time it mattered. you let her get used to you being there. you let her expect you. you taught her that if she looked for you, you'd be there. and now you're telling me you don't want us to think something of it?"

you point at him.

"i never asked you to be her father. i never asked you to provide for us. i never asked you to buy her anything."

"i know," hiromi mutters.

"then why are you acting like this is some responsibility you've suddenly been trapped into?"

his expression tightens. hiromi points at the hallway before saying, "because she is a responsibility!"

because harumi is.

she's a child whose life he would be responsible for when he commits to you, and he refuses to take that lightly. but... you've spent six years being treated as though harumi herself is a burden. hiromi knows this, and he refuses to be another man who walks away.

the frustration in his face immediately melts away when he sees the hurt that flashed on yours.

"...baby," hiromi breathes out after a tense moment. "that... that came out wrong, it's not what you think—"

"out," you mutter. "go out." before he could say anything else, you continue. "no one's forcing you to stay with us. i've spent six years raising her on my own, i don't need you now all of the sudden."

"you're not listening to me," hiromi says. "you're putting words in my mouth. i love you. i love harumi. i love the both of you."

"i'm trying so hard to believe you right now," you say, your voice finally cracking, "but all i can hear is harumi's a big responsibility. she is. a child is." you run your hand through your hair, letting out a pained laugh. "you're right. a child is a responsibility. why am i acting like this?"

hiromi freezes. he watches as you start pacing again, unaware of your own tears. realizing you're spiraling, he steps closer to you.

"...sweetheart," he whispers. "hey. look at me." when you refused to, he tips your chin up towards him. "i'm not leaving."

"please leave," you force out. "please."

hiromi stares at you. for once, he doesn't know what to say. every instinct screams at him to stay—you've already dealt with enough people leaving you in your most vulnerable moments, and he doesn't want to add to the count. he just wants to pull you into his arms, to make you understand that he isn't talking about leaving either of you.

but you're crying.

and you're asking him to leave.

so, slowly, he lets his hand fall from your face. he takes a step back, swallows everything he wanted to say, and nods.

"...alright," he quietly says. "i'll give you some space."

you don't answer him. hiromi lingers for another moment, searching your face for anything that might tell him to stay. when he finds nothing, he quietly picks up his coat from the back of the chair.

just as he reaches the door, he stops.

"i meant everything i said," he says. your shoulders tense.

"i love you," hiromi tilts his head towards the hallway, "and i love harumi. that hasn't changed."

the door closes behind him.

you stand there for several minutes, staring at the door. you know this feeling—you know exactly what happens when someone gets too close to harumi. first, they adore her. then they realize just how much your life revolves around her. then they realize loving you means loving her, too.

eventually, they leave.

you have survived it before, you can survive it again,

harumi can't. she loves wholeheartedly. she trusts so willingly. she—

"—mama?"

your eyes snap to her.

"...baby."

you quickly dry your tears as harumi patters over to you. "mr. higuruma just left," she says, glancing at the door. the confusion in her face breaks your heart even more. "he'll be back right?"

will he?

no one ever came back.

how is he different?

you shake your head.

"maybe tomorrow then?" harumi offers.

you try to reply as gently as you could. "i don't think so, baby." before your daughter could ask any more questions, you lead her to the kitchen to finally start the cookies you promised to bake with her.

then, "mama and harumi are a good team. we don't need anyone else, right?"

just making sure.

just in case you fuck it up even more after a proper conversation with him.

"...yes."

even harumi sounds unconvinced.

your phone notifies you of a message minutes later.

early morning tomorrow, let's talk at the café by the firm. i don't like leaving you angry and hurting.

you stare at the text.

...maybe he is different.

a/n: wowwww this was a lot better in my head lmfao. i was so excited while writing this but ended up hating it after rereading... i'll make it up to u guys in pt 5 !!

then he pulled his fingers out with a pop!

“what the—"

“show’s done.”

you looked back up at the tv, white text scrolling against the black background.

“you ready to finally give me some love?” he asked as if he was some kind of neglected animal and not a fully grown man with enough responsibilities to make you gag.

you looked back up at the tv, advert for crunchy granola replacing the episode you had basically half watched.

you huffed.

"fine. but you're doing all the work 'cause you made me miss my episode. how am i supposed to know what samir did about the blocked toilet?"

"baby i always do all the work." and as if to prove a point he picked you up from the couch and tossed you over his shoulder.

"oh and he cut it up. like with a knife and fork."

"...seriously?"

"tried using conditioner first. did not work out."

a/n :: just finished s1 of adults and i quite literally cannot wait until s2 oh my godddd

she would watch as mama instructs the sitter for the evening. after everything that was needed to be said is relayed, you would kiss the top of harumi's head with the promise that you will be back after her bed time.

harumi doesn't really mind. the baby sitter is nice—she lets her watch cartoons and sometimes makes her hot chocolate before bed.

but, even when the bedtime snacks are tempting, she can't help but wonder, mama is going out a lot with mr. higuruma.

like the babysitter, mr. higuruma is nice. maybe even nicer. he brings her gifts, talks with her about her drawings, listens when she talks about what adventure strawberry shortcake and her friends did in the newest episode.

she remembers a conversation she had with a classmate after telling the class about hiromi.

"so a dad," her classmate had pointed out.

harumi paused. "no," she replied after a moment. "mr. higuruma is not my dad."

"but that's what dads do," another added. "they care a lot."

it made harumi think.

mr. higuruma always spent time with her.

always made sure she's happy.

always made sure she's well provided for.

so, yes, the textbook definition of a dad—the textbook being her bedtime storybooks.

but mr. higuruma isn't her dad. harumi is very sure about that. her dad was someone else she'd never met. someone mama never talked about past someone who hurt me a long time ago, so she stopped asking. if it hurts mama, it's not something she wants to dwell on.

it's whatever.

harumi has mama.

mama is enough.

besides, mr. higuruma isn't trying to be her dad—he was just mr. higuruma. just a kind man. her drawing appreciator. her emergency snack provider. her favorite person at the office to sit beside when mama was busy. and, apparently, someone who liked buying too many things at bookstores.

harumi giggles at the memory.

"are you listening, baby?"

harumi looks back at you. you are already standing, slipping your earrings on.

"yes, mama," she nods.

"then what did i say?"

harumi pauses. she definitely wasn't listening. blinking up at you, she murmurs, "you said..." she thinks hard. "be a good girl and don't eat candy before dinner."

you stare at her as you reply, "i didn't say that."

harumi grins sheepishly. "but you were thinking it, mama."

you laugh before opening your arms. your little girl immediately barrels into you for an embrace. kissing the top of her head, you tell her, "be good for the babysitter, okay?"

"okay."

"and don't stay up waiting for me. you have a bedtime for a reason."

"okay."

"and if you need anything, tell the babysitter and she'll call me."

"okay."

you kiss her forehead again. harumi leans towards your touch before asking, "are you going mr. higuruma's house?"

you smile, amused.

"no, sweetheart," you reply after a moment. "just somewhere with him."

"oh."

harumi thinks about that.

"you're spending lots of time with him," she comments. "are you going on dates with him?"

she watches as you bite your lip, face heating up.

"...no, not really. where did you learn that word?"

"tv," harumi replies. "if it's not a date, then why are you extra pretty? why do you always try to look extra pretty when you meet with mr. higuruma?"

"okay, enough questions," you say in embarrassment.

"i don't mind, mama," harumi immediately says with a soft smile. "i'm happy that you're spending lots of time with him."

and really, she is.

mr. higuruma feels safe.

she feels happy when he's around.

mama? harumi sees how mama changed.

work doesn't tire her anymore, especially on the days when mr. higuruma hugs her from behind while she files documents.

she smiles more after coming home late with him.

mama talks a lot on her phone now, too, and it's always mr. higuruma.

he's a nice change. mr. higuruma is a nice addition to team harumi and mama.

the next few weeks become a blur of those little changes. harumi starts noticing that mama doesn't just come hone with mr. higuruma anymore.

sometimes, mr. higuruma comes over.

sometimes, when the babysitter is here, harumi knows mama is going to his apartment.

sometimes, they all go somewhere together.

and sometimes, when she wakes up in the morning, she finds mr. higuruma already sitting at their kitchen table, drinking coffee while mama cooks breakfast. those are her favorite mornings.

it's not that something particularly exciting happens—usually, mr. higuruma just reads the newspaper while mama complains that he keeps leaving his mug beside the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher.

sometimes they argue about what to have for breakfast.

sometimes mama laughs so hard she topples over.

sometimes mr. higuruma smiles with the tip of his ears tinting red.

harumi likes those mornings because they feel strangely familiar, like something she's known for much longer than she actually has. she doesn't know what exactly happened—she only knows that somewhere along the way, mornings stopped being just mama's and hers.

now there was someone else sitting at the table who knew where the spoons were, how she liked her eggs, and how she wants the crust in all her sandwiches cut. only mama knew that, but now? mr. higuruma knows, too, and it feels right.

harumi thinks it's nice.

mama thinks so too.

right?

and mr. higuruma?

does he?

harumi stands by the hallway where she watches you and hiromi. she takes note of the way your brows furrowed the same way when you're hurt, and how hiromi's do the exact same thing.

maybe that's why you look like you belong together.

she watches as hiromi points at the hallway, unaware of her presence. you were supposed to have dinner in a while. maybe they're arguing about what to eat?

maybe.

so why is mr. higuruma packing up?

she watches as hiromi grabs his things. he says something else before walking out of the door.

harumi purses her lips. mr. higuruma just left, and mama looks... stricken. was it really about dinner? one will never know the answer to something until they ask.

so harumi asks.

"mama?"

your head snaps towards her.

"...baby."

you quickly rub your eyes as she steps closer. harumi glances at the door before returning her attention to you.

"mr. higuruma just left," she carefully points out. "he'll be back, right?"

"..."

you strained a smile as you shake your head.

"...maybe tomorrow then?" harumi tries.

"i don't think so, baby," you force out. you take her hand and lead her to the kitchen. as you prepare some baking sheets, you say, "mama and harumi are a good team. we don't need anyone else, right?"

harumi stares at you.

"...yes," she finally says after a moment.

...harumi has mama.

...mama is enough.

i'm so fucking excited for pt 4 i wrote it first before writing pt 3

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