Just JAY

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Cutting was the worst mistake of my life I can't stop, I do it at home, in school, in my room, in the bathroom, bedroom, all day everday. And when I stop for more then a few days I genuinely feel like im going to blow my brains out. I like showing off my cuts even though I know its wrong and people tell me to go deeper so I do. I like seeing how deep I can go and I get frustrated when I dont go as deep as I want. It genuinely feels so amazing but I can't explain why, its fun but not? Relapsing feels fantastic i like when I get to that shaky crying phase where my hand is doing whatever and I can't feel anything anymore. But at the same time I hate it I hate it I want to stop. It looks so pretty and ugly. People will hate me forever. I can't wear shorts and I started cutting my arms and stomach cuz I ran out of space on my legs. Its so debilitating but if I stop I think I will die I feel so miserable and hate everyone. I hate the people who try to help the people who dont. I hate my family and my friends. I hate my teachers and I hate myself. I tried to overdose but it doesnt work ever. Just makes me sick. My parents know about it and they dont care they dont care they won't send me to a hopsital again they are scared but when I fucking die from bleeding out they are going to act all shocked I need help but I dont want it whenever someone offers a way to stop i refuse or say i already am getting help. I just love cutting so much I sont want anyone to take it from me. Maybe I like feeling sick I talk to chatgpt more then I talk to any person. Im so tired.