Jared Phelps

But you didn’t happen to talk to me recently? Like the other me? From the Island? I’m just... so sorry for anything he said or did to you. So so sorry.

Until it stops being fun to watch your face do that thing. Ooh, icy. Here was me thinking that was my thing but whatever. Mm, I’ve always been a lucky gal. [ Rolls her eyes ] Uh huh, exactly what I was thinking. You go ahead and do that but at least let me say goodbye. I mean, nothing says goodbye like frosting your balls off, right?

Stop being a dick. [lights the entire cigarette on fire] 

Oops. 

[ drops the cigarette before it can burn him ] Seriously?

Uh, I think I’d know if I were dead. I don’t think talking to ghosts works in reverse like that, thank the fuckin’ gods. I would never know true peace.

Anyway, it’s Rory, Mr. Emo Hypnos Guy. Yeah, probably. Never know when you might need to commit light arson.

Yeah, you would think, but you never did seem like the intelligent one of your little squad. Who knows, though? Maybe this alternate you is playing with a full deck. You’re already winning what with being alive and all. Never knew you could talk to ghosts, though. Does that even come in handy, like, ever? “Hey, Casper! Be a doll and knock out this cyclops with a lamp!”

Is that… not you? Gods, this is confusing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, this whole snarky confidence thing looks great on you, but you’d think I’d at least remember if I’d hit it and quit it, y’know?

Well, there’s always time for that if you wanna add that little memory to your wank bank. Snarky confidence ain’t the only thing I can pull off, you know. [ Was that a casual wink? ] But no. I’m gonna take a leap and say that I’m not who you think I am.

Whoa, Jared? Are you okay, dude? A little aggressive, don’t you think?

Do I know you? You look familiar, but unless we fucked once upon a time, don’t count on me placing a name to the face. Even if we did... I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Welcome to hell. Pull up a seat and get comfortable, my friend, because no one around here is competent enough to help you. Good luck.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Oh my gods, shut up! It’s been about, what, three seconds? They seem equally armed as us, so chill.

Mm—

I think you’re looking at this in fifty shades of wrong, Jar. No demigod eating troll, no muddy boots, no bloody clothes—well, not that’s anything wrong with getting a little bloody Still, might as well take advantage of the free drinks while you’ve got your weapons raised.

Did I seriously just fall from a battlefield into a party? Hey, you! Where am I? The island isn’t exactly winning any awards, but this place is a fucking dump.

“What? Did you ‘accidentally’ eat one of Otis’ brownies again? I think you have a problem.”

I feel so… short. And I’m wearing heels. Is she really this tiny? And what if I accidentally break her-slash-me? Do I still feel the pain?

Honestly, I’m usually a whole foot taller than this. I don’t think I’ve been this close to the ground since I was twelve. But yeah, we still feel pain. I stubbed my toe off a dresser when I woke up this morning.

“I’m back with gifts! And by gifts I mean things I took from my dad.”

I don’t want to like... curse someone or- I don’t know, man. Aria has a lot of power and it’s freaking me out a little. But on the other hand, look how great my hair is. I am a queen.

I’d like to say this is the strangest, most out there thing to happen here, but that would be a lie.

Holy shit, that was hilarious. Do you need a towel or something?