izzytown

note: kombucha is a fermented tea drink that is flavored with juices, spices, etc. it likely wouldn’t have been around in the time period lotr is set in, but this is a headcanon, so just ignore that fact.

i also firmly believe that the hobbits would’ve been the only race in middle earth to create kombucha, sooo we’ll just say that merry or pippin supplied the fellowship for this taste-test.

Aragorn: completely impartial to kombucha. initially unsure of the fermented taste, but it grows on his ranger heart. he does not love nor hate it, he simply doesn’t care. 5/10

Legolas: don’t even try to tell me that this woodland realm bitch loves anything more than kombucha. in an au, he would be that one hipster with underground kombucha brands all stocked in his mini fridge. he lives and dies for kombucha, and insists that everyone try some when it is available. 11/10

Gimli: pretends to absolutely hate kombucha, even though he secretly likes it, simply because he cannot love the same things as legolas (obviously). he tries to put on a facade of hatred, but everyone can clearly see how much he enjoys it. he sneaks sips when no one is looking (even though he has not a single ounce of stealth). 7/10

Boromir: despises kombucha, much to the disappointment of the hobbits (who am i kidding, just merry and pippin). he tried to pretend to enjoy it for their sake, but he is a terrible liar. the fermentation doesn’t sit well with him, and he especially dislikes carbonation (he is also the type of man to dislike sparkling water like la croix). 1/10

Frodo: he leans on the side of enjoyment, although he is more neutral than anything else. if kombucha is presented to him, he will drink it, but he will never go out of his way to have some. he typically only has it when in the presence of the brandybucks and the tooks (more often at gatherings with merry). 6/10

Sam: leans on the side of “unsure/dislike,” mostly due to it being a bit too fancy for his liking. he doesn’t have access to it often, unless he is with frodo or merry, and even then, he typically politely turns down any offers of kombucha. he doesn’t hate it, just prefers water, like the true gardener he is. 4/10

Merry: much like legolas, merry’s rich brandybuck ass cannot get enough of kombucha. he goes out of his way to make sure he is always stocked with enough of it to go around, even when he’s the only one to drink it (except frodo, occasionally). he tries to make all the hobbits drink some whenever they’re in buckland, but usually to no avail. 9/10

Pippin: dislikes kombucha on a deep level, but pretends he loves it because merry does, and he wants to be cool like merry and the other brandybucks and tooks. carbonation does not sit well with him, nor does the fermented taste, but he tries to love it nonetheless. merry can clearly see pippin dislikes it, but makes no effort to reveal this fact, and continues to let him drink it. 2/10