only love can hurt like this
i wrote this on my ao3, but i thought i'd put it on here too. there will be more, but i don't know when i'll write it. i most people follow me for marvel content, so i will be back with that very soon. hope you enjoy!
tws: grief, death, flashbacks, abuse, mental instability (can relate)
are we too young for this?
Cindy was dead. Gone. Never coming back dead. And Ziggy wished she could forget. She kept drifting in and out of sleep, being taken in and out of surgery. But that was a constant.
She kept being pumped full of different medications, but her body still hurt. Whether it was emotional pain or physical pain, she doesn’t know. What she did know is that she was still alive. Cindy had got her wish. ‘Just let my sister live’, she thinks she said. But at this moment in time, all she wished for was to be dead.
And it was all Nick Goode’s fault.
Ziggy wanted to turn around in her hospital bed, but she couldn’t gather the energy to move. It was frustrating her so much that the monitor beside her started beeping loudly. How she wishes it would just shut up.
Soon sleep was enveloping her, even though she didn’t consent to what felt like a never ending world of nightmares.
She knew everyone thought she was insane. She’d heard the nurses talking about it earlier.
Poor girl, they’d said, she’ll probably be traumatised for the rest of her life.
So she likes being alone, so she isn’t reminded that she's a trainwreck at every hour of the day. That she probably looks like she’s been chopped up like a fish.
But today she woke up, and she wasn’t alone.
Nick Goode had his hand on her thigh.
Searching for any sign of the girl he once knew.
‘Ziggy?’ He looks expectant. Even with his hollow looking face, she notices he still looks as handsome as he did that day.
And she hates herself for it.
‘Ziggy. It’s Nick.’ Yes. She knows who it is. But all she can think about was his straight face as he told the police officer that everything had been Tommy’s fault. How quickly he had dismissed and betrayed her.
She knew he saved her life twice. She remembers every time her eyes swept across the thick bandage on his calf.
But she couldn’t feel even an ounce of gratitude.
In fact, she doesn’t feel anything but resentment towards Nick Goode.
Or at least that's what she's telling herself.
‘I know who you are. And I want you to leave.’
‘I just wanted to make sure you were okay.’
He backed down surprisingly easily.
But then he was back again the next day.
‘Nick. I swear to god I’m this close to telling the nurses not to let you in.’
Ziggy didn’t want to see his disgustingly attractive face.
She hates him with every bone in her body. Even the broken ones.
He looks at her with pleading eyes.
‘Ziggy. I want to apologise. I know I hurt you.’
‘You betrayed me, Nick.’ Tears were welling up in her eyes. She didn’t want his stupid face infront of her anymore. She wanted her sister. She wants Cindy. She wants to cry. She wants to cry in her own bed. For the rest of her life, she wants to cry. For the sister she knew however hard she wished was never coming back.
He took her hand, even though she tried to fight him off, she doesn’t have much fight left in her.
‘Ziggy. I’m so sorry. I know it sounds insincere and awful, but I couldn’t have said anything else. My dad would have found out. And I can’t ruin that. But I won’t ruin this with you. Because I really like you, Ziggy.’
Ziggy just stares at him. And then she bursts out in tears. A week ago, this was everything she wanted to hear. But now she has bigger things to worry about than falling for Nick Goode.
She hates how small and insecure she sounds. How he looks like he pities her. She doesn’t need pity. She doesn’t want pity.
‘Of course I believe you.’ His hand moves up to cup her cheek. ‘I know about the witch. About Tommy. Of course I believe you.’
‘But you lied. You lied.’
God, she sounds like a child. But she feels so scared, and she's so close to forgiving him. Holding on to the hurt seems easier. But she’s too tired to hold a grudge.
He tilts his forehead so it touches hers.
‘I know, and I will never stop apologising for making you feel that way. But trust me, my father is a force to be reckoned with. He would have made everything harder if I didn’t say exactly what I was supposed to say. But I promise, do you hear me, I promise you, I believe you.’
Ziggy smiled, for the first time in days. But it felt selfish as soon as she did it. How could she be smiling when Cindy’s body was in some morgue somewhere?
So her face crumbles once again, but this time Nick takes her into his arms. He’s gentle, like he’s painfully aware of the cuts all over her body. But he holds her anyway, carefully rocking her back and forth, occasionally whispering an ‘I’m sorry’ into her hair.
But she didn’t want his apologies.
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Nick visited her as much as he could.
Ziggy knew that his Dad controlled him like a puppet, so she made sure he knew how thankful she was every time he snuck out to see her. He always said it was nothing, but she could see how much stress it was causing him.
So one day when he was reading to her, she decided to confront him about it.
She says quietly, catching his attention quickly.
She gives him a soft smile, in which he returns.
‘Why do you come out to see me? I know it's a hassle and I don’t want to be an inconvenience.’
He reaches out and grabs her hand.
‘Ziggy. You will never, ever be an inconvenience to me. I love spending time with you, and if I get to be a part of your healing journey, I will be forever thankful.’
Right. Healing. Ziggy didn’t like remembering what had happened. Even though she felt awful that she could even forget when she did remember. And anyway, she relived it enough in her nightmares every night.
The axe in Cindy’s chest.
Alice falling to the floor.
Gary’s head rolling on the ground.
She saw the red liquid every time she closed her eyes.
She liked sleeping when Nick was around because he would look after her after a nightmare. They were so much worse when she woke up alone, screaming and sweating.
He would stroke her hair and wipe away her tears. Sometimes that would make her cry more. Because that's what Cindy would do when they were kids and their parents were fighting.
Her mom had been dealing with the loss of Cindy the way she always deals with things. Alcohol. She would occasionally visit Ziggy in the hospital, tripping over her feet and slurring her words. The visits nearly always ended up with her mom in tears. She liked to talk about Cindy.
How pretty her eyes were.
How nice she was to everyone.
How she’d lost her only daughter.
She had only said it once, and Ziggy was sure it was a slip up. Her mom wasn’t even aware that she had said it. She just kept talking, clinging onto Ziggy's fingers.
Ziggy had always known that Cindy was her favourite. She was everyone’s favourite. Maybe that's why they didn’t get on in their later years. Because Cindy was perfect, and Ziggy was not.
Ziggy thought about that a lot. And it always ended with her crying, because Cindy deserved to live so much more than she did. She had a future going for her. She was going to be the kid who got out of Shadyside.
She brought this up to Nick once, and he vehemently shook his head.
‘Zig, you deserve to be alive. And I know, I know sometimes you don’t want to be. And I totally understand that. But you deserve a life just as much as the rest of us.’
Ziggy looked at him with red-rimmed tear-filled eyes.
‘Cindy deserved a life too.’
He nodded before hugging her again.
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Ziggy was being released from the hospital, even though she wasn’t completely sure she was ready to go home. Knowing Cindy would never be there with her again.
But Nick’s fingers were intertwined with hers, and that made her feel calmer. He’d managed to slip away from his duties as future police captain and help her get back home.
Her mom said she was just going to drop her off, and then she’d come back when she was done doing ‘her business’.
‘I’ll leave you with your pain medication, I’m sure you’ll be fine.’
Nick eyed her curiously, but Ziggy knew she probably didn’t want to go into the house. And that ‘her business’ was going to the nearest bar and drinking away her sorrows.
Nick doesn’t have enough time to help her get settled in, but he helps her get into her car. He says he’ll visit her tomorrow.
Her mom drops her off at the door, says she’ll be back later, then takes off down the road.
Ziggy’s fingers linger on the doorknob, scared to go inside. She wishes Nick was here. Actually, she wishes Cindy was here.
She finally makes her way inside, and tries to speed her way past Cindy’s bedroom. She was so scared to go in. But her body can’t move fast enough before she gets a whiff of Cindy’s citrus perfume and she breaks down into sobs. Her knees hit the hard wooden floor as she closes her eyes and wails.
Her arms hugged her body, fingernails digging into her upper arms, and she realises she’s alone. Nick is really the only person she has left. And who knows how long he’ll stick around. Because nobody wants to look after the traumatised mess of a teenager.
She crawls on her hands and knees into Cindy’s room, and slowly lifts herself up onto the bed. She notices a nicely folded up shirt on her pillow. Cindy must have forgotten it before leaving for camp. It wasn’t anything compared to her polo shirt, but it was the last thing their Dad had gotten for her before he left for Vegas.
Ziggy clutched the shirt to her chest, inhaling the scent of Cindy into her body.
She remembered when Cindy had first gotten the perfume, three years ago. She had teased her for smelling like lemons and oranges, but Cindy just smiled and said that people remember scents. That she wanted to make a good impression on people and be memorable. Ziggy had just laughed.
Now all she wanted to do was ingrain that scent into everything she owned.
Ziggy lay on her back, looking around the room. Everything in it screamed Cindy. The little fairy necklace box on her table in the corner of the room. The neatly stacked books next to her school bag. Her blue prom dress is still hung on her wardrobe door handle.
The room feels like a tomb.
Ziggy still kind of expects Cindy to come in any second, and yell at her for being on her newly made bed.
But Cindy is never going to.
Ziggy lays her head on the shirt, pressing her cheek into the soft fabric. She throws a blanket over herself, before curling up into a ball.
The nightmares come that night.
And they are just as awful as she expected them to be.
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Cindy’s funeral, Ziggy thinks, might be one of the worst days of her life.
The church was full of people, people that knew her, people that didn’t.
Not this many people would have gone to her funeral, she thinks.
But that's because Cindy deserves it. She was good.
Her mom looks at her as she stands up to say her eulogy.
She knows her mom would rather it was Cindy sitting in this chair.
And it would hurt if Ziggy didn’t feel the same exact way.
She managed to block out her mother speaking. Occasionally hearing a ‘good girl’ or a ‘sweetheart’. But she didn’t want to hear her mom improvise her way through her sister's funeral speech. She was drunk. Ziggy could smell the sharp scent whenever she spoke.
Her mom only drank vodka after one of her many drunken screaming matches with her dad.
Otherwise, she usually drank beer.
But today isn't a usual day.
It's her favourite daughter's funeral.
Ziggy had read somewhere that a parent should never have to bury their child. That’s the most cruel thing God could do to someone. Ziggy disagreed. If God really was real, the most cruel thing he could have done was take Cindy out of this world. Brutally. And he did.
But Ziggy still cuts her mother some slack.
Nick is in the row behind her. She thinks that would make her feel better, but she honestly feels like she's about to fall apart. She wants to melt into the floor beneath her.
Ziggy can feel his eyes on her back. But she wants his hand in hers. It's selfish, but she feels it anyway.
Her mother walks back to her seat next to her, encouraging her to go up and ‘talk about your sister’. Ziggy had actually written something this morning, but she didn’t know if she had the courage to actually open her mouth and say it.
She stands up and slowly walks to the altar.
She notices how much she hates the cold, harsh air around her. Everyone looks so solemn. She probably does too.
She starts, but she can’t keep going. The paper in her hands starts to crumple as her fingers begin to shake. She's sweating, and her legs are wobbling. She tries to straighten her back but all she wants to do is run.
Her throat feels scratchy and she's finding it hard to breathe. Her breath keeps catching in her throat as she looks out into the sea of people before her.
Her eyes meet Nick’s, and he immediately knows.
He leaps up out of his seat, making his way towards her shaking frame.
He takes her hand and leads her off the podium.
Ziggy stops him, and he turns around, eyes questioning.
His thumb runs across her knuckles.
‘What do you want to do, Ziggy?’ He whispers. ‘I’ll follow your lead.’
Ziggy stands up tall, with tears running down her face, grasping onto Nick's hand and says.
‘I loved Cindy very much.’
Then she takes off out of the church.
Nick stays there, and from outside the building she can hear that he is expanding on her very short speech. She leans against the rough bricks, surely ruining her dress. Her hands press into her knees as she breathes heavily.
Soon enough, a hand softly lands on her shoulder, lightly, as if not to scare her.
‘Ziggy? Are you alright?’
She shakes her head. What a silly question. Is she alright? She's far from alright. Probably the furthest she could be.
Nick’s hands run slowly across Ziggy's shoulders, firmly grasping at her thin bones.
‘If you need to fall apart, you can. I’ll catch you, I promise. I’ll help put you back together.’
She sobbed heavily into the crook of his neck, her arms tightly wound around his body. They sat on the grass outside the church, Nick rocking her back and forth, quietly humming into her hair.
This wasn’t the first, nor the last time that she cried in Nick Goode’s arms.
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At Cindy’s wake, Ziggy just sat in a chair in the corner of the room, while Nick did most of the talking.
He stood next to her, rubbing her back occasionally. People came, and people went. Ziggy felt like it was a blur.
Eventually everyone left. It was just her and Nick. She was putting away glasses and mugs before her eyes zoned in on a particular one. Tommy had gotten her this beautiful mug for valentine's day that year, and even though Ziggy gagged when Tommy timidly handed it over, Cindy was ecstatic. She knew Tommy and his mom didn’t own a lot of money, so for him to get her anything was a surprise. She squealed and hugged him, saying it was the prettiest mug she’d ever seen and she would use it everyday.
No one was allowed to use that mug except Cindy. She hadn't let anyone else take it out of the cupboard except her. What was she going to do with the mug now? She couldn’t use it, and she sure as hell wouldn’t throw it away.
Ziggy placed the mug in the sink to be washed and then rushed to the bathroom.
Nick quickly followed her, standing outside the door until he heard retching on the other side.
He gathered her hair into a ponytail and began rubbing her back. Cindy did this once. Ziggy had gone out with a couple of friends and had managed to be peer pressured into drinking. That was the day Ziggy decided she needed to learn to hold her alcohol. But she had come home and immediately was sick, and Cindy sat with her and held her hair up. Ziggy had cried and apologised, but all Cindy said was that we all go through it, and it was her big sister's duties anyway.
Nick was being so nice to her, and he was so patient and respectful that it made her want to cry more. He helped her up the stairs and offered to stay a while.
‘I’m sure my parents will understand if I’m home late.’ He assured, stroking her flaming red hair that was spread out across her pillow.
Ziggy looked into his eyes.
He sat there, arms around her body, reading ‘Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.’ Before she looked up at his shining eyes and whispered.
‘Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?’
He smiled softly at her, for a second forgetting why he was even in her bed.
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Time passed slowly and soon the only constant in her life was Nick.
She hadn’t seen her mom in weeks and honestly, she didn’t care. She just hoped she hadn’t died of alcohol poisoning somewhere.
Until it gets to October, and Nick starts disappearing throughout the day, leaving her breakfast and lunch but coming back to make her dinner. He would try and talk to her over the table, telling her about his day. But she never really took any of it in. She never contributed to the conversation. But he didn’t seem to mind.
One night, she decided to actually open her mouth.
‘When you leave for the day? Where do you go?’
‘I mostly go to school, Zig. And sometimes I hang out with some people afterwards so my Dad doesn’t get too suspicious.’
Oh. Right. Ziggy had completely forgotten about school. Grief consumed her life and she really had time for nothing else. Her mom wasn’t here to make her go, so she never really thought about it.
Ziggy’s cheeks flushed pink, before looking down at the green beans on her plate, helplessly pushing them around with her fork.
‘I’m not leaving you because I want to, Ziggy.’
I’ll never let anything pull us apart again.
Ziggy suddenly wasn’t hungry anymore.
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Nick tells her that he’s going to get her back into school.
‘I know you’re not quite ready to see people yet, so we might start with homeschooling, okay? Maybe on the weekends, we can start doing some stuff, okay?’
Ziggy nods, not fully in it. She hurts. She doesn’t think it will ever stop hurting.
Nick was serious. Instead of reading her Judy Blume on the weekends, he would bring maths books, sometimes even geography and history. He would test her until she told him she couldn’t anymore and she needed to sleep.
Ziggy shot him a look. Nick's lips curled.
‘I know what 4x7 is, Nick. I’m not stupid.’
‘I know you’re not stupid. You are smart. But I don’t know what you remember and what you don’t. So answer the question.’
Nick smiled and cheered. Ziggy noticed how much she loved his smile. How she could live with just him smiling at her for the rest of her life.
She wanted to kiss the smile right off his face.
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Nick is good at helping her through the nightmares.
He rubs her back, and rocks her like a baby. He’ll talk to her, about anything and everything, when she’s so scared her teeth chatter.
He knows when to turn the light on because she thinks the shadows are the killers coming to have another go at her.
He knows exactly what to say when she’s so clammy that she doesn’t want him to touch her.
Sometimes she wants to kiss him.
Sometimes she wants him to kiss her.
But he wouldn’t. He’s too respectful. As he said at the funeral, I’ll follow your lead.
But Ziggy doesn’t want to lead.
Cindy used to lead her. She was a good leader. Nick was too. That's why they were good counsellors. Ziggy was the one to make dumb decisions, and pay for them later. She wasn’t the type to lead others into her ring of fire.
‘Nick?’ She whispers, her face in his neck, still reeling from a particularly bad nightmare.
‘Do you get nightmares too?’
He begins running his fingers through her hair, that wasn't too tangled as she brushed the red locks yesterday.
‘Sometimes. Not as much as you, though.’
He looks down at her, his other hand softly twirling a strand of her hair around a finger.
‘They are mostly about me not being about to save you. Trying to resuscitate you and you not coming back. I’m usually okay if I’m over at this house, because I can easily check if you’re okay. But it’s worse when I’m at the mansion. Because there I’m alone. Because then I think that maybe the nightmare was real.’
Her breath catches in her throat. He cares about losing her? As dumb as it sounds, sometimes Ziggy just think that Nick Goode took pity on her. That he’ll leave as soon as it looks like she’s getting better. But she desperately wants him to stay. As selfish as it is, she never wants him to leave her side. She wants to keep this. Whatever this is. But he deserves better, and she’s not ready. So instead-
Ziggy snuffles closer into his neck.
‘Even though I don’t really believe it, I’m sure someday I’ll be glad you saved me. So thank you. And tell me when you have a nightmare, I want to help you the way you help me. I need to pay you back somehow.’
Nick laughs, and she can feel the vibrations in his chest.
‘You don’t need to repay me. Just moments like this is enough.’
Ziggy wants to fight him on it, but sleep was slowly taking her away again, so all she whispers is-
Nick stays. So do the nightmares.
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it’s always on the tip of my tongue
Ziggy had been at school for a little over a week, and it was getting easier.
The first day she had run out of the class and Nick had found her curled in a ball in Cindy’s closet when he came to check on her at lunch. But she was doing better. That’s what the school counsellor told her to say.
Fake it till you make it, she’d said.
But Ziggy didn’t really feel like she wanted to make it.
Nick was trying his best. It had been really hard, trying to keep up with his classes, pleasing his Dad, extracurriculars and looking after Ziggy. Obviously Ziggy was a priority, but Nick knew that if his father found out how much time he spent looking after her, he wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house.
He knew she wasn’t ready.
He loved stroking her hair.
He loved holding her to his chest after she’d had a nightmare.
He loved making her smile.
He loved everything about her.
Even if she was damaged beyond comparison.
But his Dad wouldn’t approve. At least not at the moment. As soon as he was in the police academy, he would be allowed to date whoever he wanted.
He didn’t really want to be sheriff.
He’d never admitted that out loud.
He really liked writing songs. He knew it was an unrealistic dream. When he was five years old he showed his mother a verse that he’d written by himself. She made him put it away before his father had seen it.
She’d said, ‘Nicky, you are going to be the police chief. It’s been decided already. But writing songs is a cute hobby when you have time. Just make sure your father doesn’t see them, okay honey?’ Then she ruffled his hair and he ran off to play with Will.
He didn’t realise how big that moment was when it happened, but nowadays he thought about it a lot.
How he could envision a future with Ziggy.
How she would own a bookshop and he would sing songs.
They would own a dog. Possibly even a cat as well.
Maybe, if she wanted, they might even have a couple of kids.
But then he would shake his head of those unrealistic dreams. That's all they were, dreams. So for now he’d take care of Ziggy the best he could. And maybe one day he’d be able to do it properly.
Right now though, he needed to decide what he was going to do about his school ball. Sunnyvale High held a ball every year for all it’s graduating seniors. He couldn’t take Ziggy, she wasn’t ready for that. But he couldn’t take anybody else. He wouldn’t want to go without anybody else. Maybe he should have a talk with his mom about what to do. Or Ziggy. When she’s asleep of course. He didn’t like to talk about his problems, because they seemed too tiny and inconvenient compared to hers. So he told her when she was asleep.
What Nick didn’t know was that Ziggy heard everything. Every single thing.
He told her his worries about becoming someone he wasn’t.
How sometimes he was scared of the inhumane urge to kill his dad.
How he wished he could do so much more to help her.
But one night, Nick said something that made Ziggy breath catch in her throat.
‘My father hit me yesterday.’
Ziggy turns dead still. Nick’s fingers are still brushing up and down her arm, but she forms goosebumps on the surface.
‘It was my fault really. I had told my mother that I would patrol with him the night before, and I forgot and went out to buy your birthday present instead. He got so mad, and I don’t really know why. I don’t think it was that serious. But it was to him. He used his belt and hit my back. It was only a couple of hits, and it’s nothing that hasn’t happened before, but I just don’t think I deserved it yesterday. I’m trying so hard to be good, Ziggy. I just want to be enough for everyone.’
Ziggy didn’t know what to do. How did she not notice the way he slightly winced when he joined her in bed? How did she not notice that his shirt lightly stuck to his back?
But most of all, she was mad. She was so mad at Joseph Goode that she was shaking.
How dare he lay a hand on Nick?
She sat up, back straight, and looked directly into Nick's startled eyes.
‘Ziggy? I didn’t know you were awake, I-’
Nick was surprised at how sympathetic she sounded. He had never really had anyone care about him the way he cared for other people. She was worried about him. She cared about him.
‘Ziggy, it’s fine, I’m okay really-’ He tried to say before Ziggy cut him off once again.
Nick shook his head, reaching out to grab her shaking hands.
‘I’m okay, Zig. I promise you. I’m fine.’
Ziggy shuffled closer and gently grabbed the bottom of his t-shirt.
She makes eye contact again, silently waiting for permission.
He sighs and nods, looking up at the ceiling as she carries on with what she’s doing.
Ziggy is trying to be as gentle as she can as she inspects Nick’s wounds. Inside, she’s fuming and upset, but she tries to keep herself composed on the outside. They looked red and inflamed as she lightly traces the marks with her fingertips. Ziggy blows air out of her mouth before looking back up at Nick.
‘I’m going to get my first aid kit, okay?’
Nick looks like he’s holding back tears. He just nods.
Ziggy tries not to tremble when searching through the draws of her house trying to find the first aid kit. She’s trying to go over all the stuff Cindy taught her about disinfecting wounds. She used to scrape her knees a lot when skateboarding, and Cindy wanted her to learn how to clean herself up properly.
‘Ziggy, it’s important it doesn't get infected. I’m not going to be here all the time to clean up your messes and I need to know that you are going to be okay.’
She tries to hear Cindy in her ear as she collects the supplies.
‘Always wash your hands first. We don’t want to infect it with other bacteria.’
Ziggy scrubbed her hands till they were red and screaming at her. But all she felt was fear.
‘If it’s bleeding, apply pressure with a sterile piece of gauze.’
Nick’s wound didn’t seem to still be bleeding, but she gave it a gentle pat down, just in case.
‘Rinse the wound under water, it loosens up the skin.’
Ziggy got a clean piece of cloth and tried to give it a good rinse without hurting Nick.
‘Pat it down with a towel, don’t use cotton balls or anything that could get stuck in it.’
Ziggy covered the welts on his back with a dry towel, trying to use a patting motion with her fingers.
‘Always use a sterile dressing, like a bandage or something. If blood soaks through, add another one.’
Ziggy used the biggest bandage she could find. She carefully wrapped it around his body, avoiding eye contact the whole time.
She took a step back, admiring her work. She thinks Cindy would be proud. She meets Nick’s eyes to find him already staring at her, and suddenly he surges forward.
Before Ziggy comes to say anything, his lips are on hers, and she is startled.
He pulls back, apologising profusely.
‘Ziggy I’m so so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.’
All that's going through Nicks head is-
‘I fucked up. I fucked up. Goddamnit, I don’t want to ruin this with her, she’s the only good thing I have.’
But Ziggy’s hands are suddenly on his cheeks and her teeth are clinking against his. Nick is confused at first, still in a state of worry, but he catches up quickly, hands on her waist, pulling her impossibly closer.
But he pulls back again, but leaning forward so their foreheads touch. He’s breathing so heavily that she thinks he might have asthma and she didn’t know.
And she stays with him, taking care of him the same he’s been doing for her.
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Ziggy’s birthday comes and goes, she doesn’t really like to dwell on it. It’s on Halloween, which is ironic, all things considered. Nick gets her Carrie, and he says that he annotated the whole thing, so that it would be like she was reading it with him.
She finishes it the next day.
She enjoyed Nick's thoughts on the sides of the pages, but she can’t appreciate the story like she used to. Maybe horror isn’t for her anymore, she thinks.
Nick’s wound’s slowly turn into scars, but he never really got over it.
He would have nightmares, sometimes so bad he would have to go outside to calm himself down.
He could hear the belt hit his back again and again.
Even though the gashes had healed, he still sometimes felt the burn of the leather on his back. Sometimes the feeling of the metal on his skin made him feel like he was on fire again.
But then Ziggy was there.
She would kiss him and she had been smiling more.
She still had nightmares every night, but he was happy to help her. He would look after her as long as she would let him.
Everyday, he went home with a heavy feeling. He hated the mansion. He hated the people in it. He hated how they pretended. How his Mom and brother pretended not to have heard his dad beating him that night. How everyone smiled and acted like last summer hadn’t happened. Like there weren't people suffering tragedies 10 minutes away from them.
He was allowed to stay over at Ziggy’s at the weekends, but on weekdays he had to be at home by 8.30. He was back 5 minutes late once and his father had made him sleep on the couch. It wasn’t the worst thing Joseph had done to him, but Nick wanted to keep the punishments to a minimum.
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It’s getting closer to Christmas, and Nick asks what she’s going to do. She pretends she doesn’t hear it because honestly she didn’t want to think about it. Her first Christmas without Cindy. Ever.
Last Christmas Tommy and his mom came round and they decorated a tree and gave each other presents. This year Ziggy wants to pretend it's not happening. Her mom probably would agree with her, if her head wasn’t half way down the bottle.
Nick’s family does a fancy thing for Christmas every year, and Ziggy knows this. Which means she won’t even have him to support her. Even if he could sneak away, she couldn't risk him getting hurt again. Especially not for her.
‘I just want to know what my girlfriend is doing for Christmas. Maybe I could plan something for her and I to do.’
‘I’m your girlfriend now? Since when?’
Nick looked sheepish as he noticed his mistake.
‘I thought we silently established it?’
Ziggy shook her head, smiling lightly. Then she was wracked with a wave of guilt. Cindy and Tommy would have been doing this last year. Bantering about their relationship while Ziggy gagged and her mom just laughed.
And Ziggy had the devitatsing luxury of survivor's guilt.
And if anyone said that it was Tommy’s fault, she thought they should also feel guilt. Because she knew Tommy. There was a reason Cindy called him sweet Tommy. He didn’t have a bad bone in his body. He always took care of her and Cindy, even when Ziggy probably didn’t deserve it. He would calm Cindy down when she got mad at her, and always said ‘just go easy on the kid’. And sometimes, when the overwhelming loss of her sister wasn’t consuming her thoughts, she even missed Tommy.
Nick noticed she had zoned out, and took her hand, interlacing their fingers. He gently tugged at them, leading her upstairs.
She lay down with him behind her, his breath caressing the back of her neck.
‘I didn’t mean to make you sad.’ He whispers against the curve of her ear.
Ziggy closes her eyes, too tired to talk about her feelings.
She can almost hear him smile in the dark behind her.
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you’re my best friend i’ll love you forever
Ziggy’s last day of junior year was the happiest she’s been in a while. Nick had graduated the day before, and as much as Ziggy would have loved to be that cheering supportive girlfriend at the front of the crowd, she knew that she probably couldn’t have handled that many people screaming. It brought back too many memories. Memories that she would rather forget.
But Nick had come home with his certificate in his hands, and Ziggy had felt so proud. She jumped into his arms and spun her around.
But it also felt selfish.
Because how could she be properly happy without Cindy?
How could she even sleep at night knowing that Sarah Fier was still out there?
So she decided to do something about it.
That weekend she went out to the library and collected as many books on witchcraft as she could carry. Nick came home from practice to find her on the living floor, surrounded by open pages. He didn’t question it though, if this was how she was coping, he wouldn’t get in her way.
Nick didn’t know how he had gotten this far. Maybe his coping mechanism was Ziggy. Or running. Nick had been going on daily runs everyday. He had told his father it was so he would have a better chance at a sports scholarship, but really it was the only thing that got the images out of his head.
Ziggy laying dead in the middle of the field.
Cindy’s chest open and organs all over the floor.
His hands pumping life back into Ziggy's body.
But running tired him out. It made him so tired that he couldn’t think about anything else. Not even Ziggy could make him forget like running could. Make him forget the look of pride when he walked through the door on that awful day that had haunted him everyday since it happened, covered in blood and shaking like a leaf. How his mother had rushed forward and hugged him while his father smirked, and even looked surprised.
‘You’ll make a fine police chief, Nicholas.’
Nick’s heart should have swelled with happiness. His father rarely gave him compliments, and this was a big one. But all he felt was pure fear. He could still hear his heartbeat in his ears, loud and booming. Joan was dead. Cindy was dead. Jeremy was dead. Tommy… Tommy wasn’t Tommy anymore.
He had decided that he was going to ask Ziggy to the dance this year. Last year he knew it was too big of an ask for her, but this year it was his last one, and he was hopeful that she would say yes.
He didn’t want to do anything too extravagant and flashy, he didn’t want to scare her. But he did want it to be special. So he had planned for her to come back from the library, and for him to romantically ask her if she would be willing to go. But of course, like everything in their relationship, it didn’t go to plan.
He heard the front door open as he was putting the rose petals on her bed, only half the heart being done due to him only starting 5 minutes ago. He thought he had hours.
‘Nick?’ He hears from downstairs.
‘I’m up here, Zig! Just, just give me a second and I’ll come down.’
He could already hear her light footsteps ascending the stairs.
She stopped at the entrance of her bedroom, taking in the twinkling lights above her bed.
Nick shrugged his shoulders, wary of her delayed reaction.
‘I thought I had more time to prepare, but if this is how it's going to go, I can deal with that.’
Ziggy was in shock, she hadn’t expected anything like this to happen. Not to her. Maybe to Cindy, but not her.
‘Um, I guess this is happening now. Okay, okay. I can do this.’ Nick's hands were sweating, and he was feeling shaky. Had he drank enough today? This was just Ziggy. Just Ziggy.
‘So, we’ve been together for 2 years.’ Ziggy nodded, tears filling her eyes. ‘I would've asked last year, but I know you’ve been through a lot. We’ve both been through more than we should have ever had to. And I know you are trying your hardest to get better. But I love you just the way you are. It's hard, but I’m so grateful, to God, or whoever, that I still have you. But anyway, back to the point. Would you go to the prom with me?’
Nick knew that his speech wasn’t the most put together expression of his love, but he didn’t expect Ziggy to violently fold and burst into tears.
Nick had just put his heart in her hands, but her hands were shaking and unsteady, and she felt like she was squeezing it. But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. She knew that she couldn’t compare her life to Cindys forever, but she just remembered the look of pure joy on Cindy’s face when Tommy had asked her to prom. She had cried tears of joy, and even hugged Ziggy. But these aren't tears of joy, no, these were heart wrenching grief tears. Whenever Ziggy thought that she cried all her Cindy tears, she always had more.
But now Nick was standing in front of her with expectant, but concerned eyes, and she wanted to cry for him. How did she deserve him? At this moment, Ziggy realised that she loved him. That if he had asked her to marry him, she would have said yes with no hesitation.
‘Yes, you are okay, or yes you will go to the dance?’
She widely grinned at him.
‘Yes to the dance. Yes to you. Yes to everything you ever want.’
Nick's shoulders sagged in relief. He took two long strides towards her, and fully kissed her on the lips. She laughed into his mouth, winding her arms around his neck. She put her head on his shoulder, gently rocking them side to side. She noticed the half finished rose petal heart on her best before letting out a breathy laugh.
‘Is that a broken heart?’
‘Is an unfinished heart, you didn’t exactly give me a lot of time.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Broken Heart. But seriously, I love you just the way you are too.’
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It was Nick’s 23rd birthday. He was finally done with the police academy, and had been really down for the last few months. Ziggy could tell that he was really struggling. So she wanted to go all out for his birthday.
Nick was finally realising that he had no control. Until his dad died, he wasn’t Nick Goode. He was Joseph Goode’s puppet, nothing more, nothing less. He would probably never get to be everything he wanted to be, because he knew that his father would keep a hand around his neck right up to the day he died. He was going to be police chief, he would probably be forced to marry Ziggy, even if they didn’t want to. So he casually slipped it into the conversion one day, as Ziggy was reading a book on Salem witches.
‘What's your opinion on marriage?’
She slowly lifts her head to make eye contact with him.
‘You plan on proposing anytime soon?’
‘I’m just thinking about it. Where do you stand?’
‘Do I want to get married? I guess I could. I don’t really need to, I mean we basically live in the same house, and we act like an old married couple already. But if it's something you would want to do, I wouldn’t object.’
‘So if I proposed, right here, right now, you would say yes?’
‘Are you planning on it? Because I’d like to look a bit more put together if you are.’
‘Not necessarily. I’m asking, how sure are you?’
His mother had already asked if he was planning anything, as his father came through the front door. He looked dishevelled, like he had been underground. He also vaguely smelled like blood. But he ignored it, turning back to his mother as he answered her question.
‘I would like to ask her to marry me. I have asked for her mothers permission, and I was granted it.’
His mother clapped her hands with joy.
‘Oh, Nicky that's wonderful! Just wonderful!’ She looks over as his father before exclaiming. ‘It's that wonderful, Joseph? Our Nicky is going to get married.’
He nodded his head in Nick's direction, before sauntering back to his bedroom.
He wanted to propose on his birthday. Maybe they would get divorced, and he would never be able to celebrate his birthday again. But he didn’t mind.
Although Nick did know that Ziggy had a bad track record of being surprised with happy things, but when he’d asked her about marriage, she hadn't freaked out, and she seemed okay with it, so he guessed that he just had to slowly slide her into it. No surprises, no big gestures. Just them.
it feels weird to post this. i also apologise, this is very long and i'm proud if you got this far.
