in hora mortis nostrae

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

When I was a kid, being alone meant I was safe.

There was no one there to be enraged or erratic; no one around who could elicit my fear. I became accustomed to seeking refuge in a quiet space.

Unfortunately, this habit seems to have followed me into adulthood.

I had learned that a safe life is a solitary one, but this sentiment became a catalyst for my lifelong tendency to isolate.

The pangs of loneliness aren’t even enough to draw me out.

❦ how much self-control do i have with things that i know are bad for me, but tend to indulge in?

❦ how do i respond to someone who is different from me or whose ideals and beliefs i don't agree with or understand?

❦ how do i deal with being misperceived or misunderstood?

❦ how do i respond when someone judges me, makes fun of me, or calls me names?

❦ how do i deal with other people's mistakes and unpleasant behavior?

❦ how do i deal with people who have hurt me in the past?

❦ how do i spend my free time?

❦ how do i deal with negative people?

❦ how do i deal with stressful situations? do i tend to worry a lot? what else do i do?

❦ how do i deal with inconvenient life situations?

❦ how do i respond to situations that i have no control over?

❦ how do i deal with negativity in my environment?

❦ how do i deal with challenges in my life?

❦ how do i respond to situations that force me to get out of my comfort zone?

❦ how motivated am i to change my life for the better?

❦ how much do i follow through on what i preach and talk about?

❦ how do i deal with uncertainty, the unknown or a future event that i have no control over?

❦ how do i respond to obstacles, hardships, and "bad" things that happen in my life?

❦ how do i respond when i don't get what i want?

❦ how fulfilling is my everyday life?

❦ how do i respond to new ideas and new ways of thinking?

❦ how do i respond to bad or inconvenient news?

❦ how do i deal with the violence, hate, and suffering in the world?

❦ how do i recharge, rejuvenate, and replenish my energy?

❦ how much do i prioritize spending time and energy on myself and on my passions?

❦ how do i deal with change? new job, new house, new lifestyle, new people, new rules, new technology...do i tend to avoid it, welcome it, fear it, like it, complain about it, stress out about it, worry about it?

❦ how do i deal with emotional pain?

❦ how do i respond when plans change or plans get cancelled without my say so?

❦ how do i respond when i make a mistake or when i fail at something?

"Turns out I'm not very well. Got Tuberculosis. Doctor did not know how long I would last."

"All them bullets shot at me, all them horses threw me, all them fights and it was beating up that pathetic little fella Downes that killed me, I reckon. He's the only man I been near that was real sick. He begged for mercy and I beat the bastard and he died. And now I'm dying, too. The way of the world."

"My mind is racing, of course. That monk and that nun, Downes widow, Abigail, Mary, Dutch when I first knew him, Hosea, my dead Pa, the no good bastard, the whole crowd of people."

"And what kind of man have I been? What kind of man am I? What world is this we live in? A land of fury or a place of love? Am I being prepared for eternal damnation? Am I past any kind of saving? Is that all fairy tales?"

"Man ain't got much good in him. I ain't got no good in me. I don't think, and yet, I see goodness. I see it, if not in me, in good folk. In Abigail and her love for Jack. In that silly monk. In Downes, I guess. Begging, not for himself but for the poor, even though he was near starving himself."

"Maybe I don't want salvation."

"Part of me has always longed for death."

living with suicidal ideation is like having a gun pointed at your chest with no guarantee when the trigger will be pulled. and you know it too well : it will done by your hand.

• you feel utterly lost and purposeless, you have never sketched a future for yourself. you were convinced you will not be there for much longer and now you re stuck into a hollow, meaningless present you despite.

• some days are better, some days are insufferable. in some cases you will look back and notice how your suicide attempts turned from a desperate cry for help into a hope that nobody is going to find you on time.

• you’re stocking up pills - just for later, you tell yourself.

• you have written the goodbyes notes - in any case, you tell yourself. you take precautions that if it happens too quickly, your loved ones will know that it’s not their fault.

• you ruminate over the nights you spent completely alone in a hospital bed, hooked to machines after a failed attempt. and a twisted nostalgia hits you, even if you were so alone, so lost and broken, you felt a sense of security.

walking the thin line between life and death was somehow exciting, like getting a demo version of death.

but it also frightened you. the nightmares are filled with the outcomes of failed attempts: the disappointment in people’s eyes, the lost trust, the fierce physical symptoms of the aftermath, hearing sirens so loudly not knowing if you re hoping for them to be too late or arrive on time.

when you re on the verge of death, your instincts kick in, it s a side of your brain that doesn’t do so much thinking, the conservative side that would do anything to keep you alive.