i will lose to you and hand you my life

here’s a preview of my piece for the lovely @acatofmanytales gaiden anniversary zine!! i had so much fun working on it!!!!

i really really love the direction bsd took with atsushi and the orphanage director. we talk a lot about the western’s individualistic mindset, and how western therapy often pushes ideas like cut off the people who abused you, or value your autonomy and freedom, which is why you’ll see a lot of asian people say that western therapy doesn’t work for them

because asian culture prioritises family and loyalty to your blood (filial piety), something drilled into our heads since birth. i’m not saying that western or asian culture is inherently more correct, but as someone who grew up in that system myself, i will say: there is no hatred that comes without guilt. you can hate and hate and hate your parent for what they did to you, but at the same time, this was who raised you. you owe them that acknowledgment, at the very least

atsushi’s own journey with the orphanage director is very similar: learning to acknowledge that this is, indeed, his father. he spends a lot of the earlier seasons desperately trying to forcibly kick the director out of his head, but it never works. it’s complicated and it honestly fucking sucks to feel indebted to someone you want nothing to do with, but that’s just the thing. you can be angry,

you can never want anything to do with them again,

but when death comes for your parent, you will not feel relieved.

for atsushi, freedom isn’t about forgetting the orphanage director ever existed and living his best life or whatever. freedom is to remember, to be scarred, to cry