tw: ed

so im back (not that anyone really cares) and i didnt exactly try to get better i mean at first yea i did but then i got roped into mpa and honestly i was just to lazy to re download tumblr but basically im still at around the low 130s the only thing tahts new is that my obsession with a series of children's books has grown tremendously and i spend most of my time reading about 4 dead wizards from the 70s i also have a new found affinity for david bowie and i may not believe in god but i do believe in grant chapman supremacy so thats that and apart from the fact that the most sleep ive gotten is 4 hours in the last few days i fell great (let's exclude the taht im just about ready to end it all) lets hope i get back on my bs and somehow undo some of this damage but until then....

Having an eating disorder has fucked me up but some things have changed for the better like my mind and how I think of people like before I used to be super judgmental and I used to make fun of peoples weight and what clothing they wore and now I can look at someone and all I see if how great their smile is and how good their hair looks and its other little things like I used to be super jealous of my friend because she was rich and her parents got her whatever she wanted I mean she knows how to speak french and her parents are sending her to a boarding school in Switzerland and I used to be so jealous and now im just so happy for her I love that she gets to live such a full and happy life and it completely amazes me that I used to be that way because she is the kindest person I know and I think it's really these little things that have make such a difference in who I am and it's weird because I have my eating disorder to thank for that

its not that im not fortunate enough to be able to afford pads its that im to scared to ask my mom

i will get back to 125 by the end of the month

the problem with me not being able to dress how i want isn't money its that im fat