comme dans un rêve

forget about it | jane + keira

Click, click, click. 

Jane’s head was empty apart from her mirror image staring back at her in her phone. It was easier than having to deal with everything else. Just when she thought things couldn’t get worse, they did and they did. Everything was getting worse for JJ, she knew that, but she also felt completely in the dark from him. She hadn’t really seen him these past few days and when she did, he wasn’t really there. She wanted to help, she wanted to show her love, but she didn’t know how. Nothing she did would ever be enough to show him, to make him stay in the bubble of no fear with her, and she knew that. 

She didn’t know if she was taking photos and staying incredibly active on Instagram for herself or for other people, but it kept her head empty. It felt normal. Looking away for merely a second, she locked eyes with Keira and her heartbeat kicked up a notch. Of course she would look into the real world for just a second and immediately latch onto the only thing in reality she actually liked the look of these days. Jane couldn’t even reply straightaway, because she was so surprised that she even spoke to her. She thought it would be harder than this to get Keira to pick things up where they left off. 

“Unfortunately my work is never done,” She smiled with her teeth, wide like the happiness Keira had no idea she was bringing to Jane right now. She also would have no idea just how loaded her question was and the fact that Jane now had to grapple with how much she could - she should - share. “Well clearly you don’t listen to the village gossip? I had a fucking ambulance at my house. It’s pretty much evidence that you’re never allowed to leave a party early again.” 

Keira smirked and glanced down for a second. “I wish I could say I had no idea what that’s like, but I’m actually on my way to work now.” She looked back up at Jane, offering a small smile in exchange for Jane’s bright one. It perplexed her how someone could always be so charismatic - so charming. It was a quality that Keira would normally dismiss as fake or put-on, but on Jane it was quite endearing. 

She laughed slightly and narrowed her eyes questioningly. “Wow, Oliver. I really thought if you’d learnt anything about me Friday night it would have been how little I care about what happens-” She paused at the mention of the ambulance. “What? Was everyone alright?” She’d overheard people talking about Friday night, but Keira had just assumed it had been over some drunk asshole causing a scene or a dramatic break up or something and just brushed it off. It never occurred to her until now that it could have been something more serious. Still in shock, she only shook her head slightly at Jane. “To be completely honest, I’m happy to have missed that part of the evening. I’ve heard a few people mentioning the party... But an ambulance? That’s fucked.” She hesitated for a moment and looked away from Jane with a slight shrug. “And you’re okay?” 

Keira wordlessly slid out of her seat as her last class of the day ended, her hand immediately reaching into her bag for her phone and earbuds as she walked across college green in the direction of the petrol station. Her steps were heavy yet quick and she shoved her hands further into her pockets as she walked, not really paying any attention to the people or things around her - it was the same old shit she saw everyday, anyway. However, now as she walked along the dead grass, her eyes fell on someone she’d seen several times after school, but had never really had reason to pay attention to until today.

Jane. She was holding her phone out in front of her, no doubt posting on her instagram story or something. She’d see what it was eventually anyway, as before she left the party Friday night, Jane had insisted they follow one another.

For a moment, Keira rolled her eyes at herself for evening paying any attention to what Jane was doing. Sure, they’d had a nice talk on Friday night - something Keira would even go so far as to say was fun, if caught at the right time. Now though, she reminded herself that a forty-five minute conversation didn’t really mean anything. They definitely weren’t friends now, anyway. Just as Keira was going to walk past Jane unseen, she looked up from her phone and their eyes locked. Keira didn’t know what to do for a moment - she didn’t want to be an asshole and just keep walking, so she slowed a bit and smirked. “Busy at work, I see.” She teased, motioning to Jane’s phone. She could have left it at that and continued walking, but dismissing Jane somehow felt wrong now. Now that Keira knew more about her and what she was really like, she couldn’t blow her off as just another popular girl. “So how was the rest of the party Friday night?” 

tough on myself | jane + keira

“One day I’m sure I’ll hear the word, ‘sorry’ from your mouth… But yes, not a complete asshole,” Jane agreed, fighting a smirk in Keira’s direction. When she saw Keira was doing the same, it caused Jane to actually feel her heartbeat quicken. God, this was too much for her taken, bisexually inexperienced self to handle. She rolled her eyes overdramatically, letting out a louder than needed laugh as Keira showed her distaste at her word choice. “Oh, come on, what you’re describing is literally what vibing with someone is. You can’t have that much of a problem with a word.” She continued to laugh, genuinely finding great amusement in all the things Keira had issues with. 

Even though she probably shouldn’t have opened up the way she did and this was definitely not part of the agreement with JJ about how she would help him cover this all up, she didn’t have time to regret it, because Keira was actually studying her, like she was a piece of art. She liked that. She stared back for as long as she could hold onto it, breaking into a sad smile. “Told you I’d get the word ‘sorry’ from your mouth,” She looked away still smiling slightly. 

Although Keira obviously saw it as a bad thing for obvious reasons, Jane was very grateful to her brother for causing Keira to have to stay here for as long as she had, because now it felt like progress had been made for this connection. This was sealed with Keira’s question. “Uh… yeah, mainly when I drink or I’m stressed and I’m definitely drinking right now, so…” She finished her excited speech in the lamest of fashions, even holding her drink up as if Keira might not believe her? She sighed at herself and then pointed toward the front door. “Most people will be around the back anyway.” She went out first and grimaced at the cold air, but she was right in not many people being out here. There was a drunken couple arguing further down the drive, but they stayed near her front door. “So,” She started as Keira rolled her own cigarette and Jane took out her emergency cigarette from the inside of her bra. “You didn’t actually have a terrible time talking to me, right?”

Keira flashed Jane a doubtful look and scoffed. “I’m not against saying sorry, it just requires me either being wrong or empathetic, so we’ll see, but don’t hold your breath.” Despite herself, she laughed slightly at Jane’s teasing over vibes. “Oh come on, there must be another word to describe it that doesn’t make me sound like a pothead at a music festival.” She searched for a word and finally shrugged. “Fine. Vibing. Anyway, it just seems like the most natural way to find people that you mesh the best with. Especially when the dating pool is already borderline claustrophobic.” 

She nodded slowly at Jane’s words, still looking at her. Keira finally broke her gaze and glanced to the side with a small shrug. “Well, I meant it. And it wasn’t because I was wrong.” She smirked slightly and looked away. 

Keira nodded and followed Jane through the crowd of people and to the door. Once they were outside, she began carefully rolling her cigarette as Jane spoke. With a roll of her eyes, Keira glanced up from her hands to look at Jane. “No, not terrible. It turns out you’re quite the hostess, who knew?” Once the cigarette was rolled, Keira placed it to her lips and lit it, watching the smoke leave in a puff around them as they stood side by side. “You’re really nothing like I assumed you were when you came into the petrol station the other day.” She took another drag of her cigarette and looked ahead rather than at Jane. “And despite my brother being an absolute idiot, this hasn’t been all that horrible of a night. Then again, that could just be the alcohol...” She smirked to herself and held the cigarette to her lips again. 

tough on myself | jane + keira

“I know you weren’t calling me a prick,” She smirked, enjoying the fact that she had managed to wind her up a little bit. “But it was fun to hear you defending yourself on it though. It almost, almost, sounded like an apology.” She didn’t want Keira to backtrack on it, so she didn’t say any more than that, but she also didn’t mind winding her up. Maybe it was a little too close to actually flirting, but then… she was also asking her what her type was. Fuck, was she maybe flirting too much? If she told JJ about it what would he say? Well, she just wouldn’t tell JJ. Okay, that seemed just as bad, if not worse. 

And she couldn’t not smile at the response she received anyway. If the gay side of TikTok had taught her anything, it was that even if you decided you liked girls and you found someone else who liked girls, it was still a task to make sure you were each other’s type. If Keira said she hated femmes then it was over for them… Not that she was pursuing anything with Keira, but it was nice to know that she would still be her type. “So you work off vibes more, I respect that.” What were these vibes to Keira? Was she getting anything from this, she wanted to know. 

The next question stumped her for the moment, because of The Fear and also she hadn’t even thought about the grieving or anything like that since she found out that JJ was potentially involved. She stayed in the kitchen as she knew Keira wouldn’t be able to hear her answer if they went into the living room. “Uh yeah, of course I did. He was best friends with my sister, so I’ve known him my whole life. Well, since I can remember. Everyone kind of acted like he was a golden boy,” She let out a light laugh, taking a further sip of her drink. “But I heard too many things about him, but he was a one-of-a-kind person, like you just wanted to know him, I guess. Yeah,” She hadn’t thought about him in this way since he had gone, because all she saw him as now was the reason why she couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t live her life, but it was true. 

She blinked quickly and shrugged, leading the way through the living room again. It was suddenly packed in the small space and even though she didn’t need to, she reached back for Keira’s hand as if she didn’t want to lose her in the crowd, but she also longed for some sort of physical connection after what she had just talked about. She didn’t want to slip into The Fear right now. When she turned the corner to the stairs, she was met with people doing balloons or just sat drinking, staggered all the way up to the floor above. “Uhhhh… we might not even need to go upstairs, is your brother here?” 

Keira’s eyebrows shot up and she scoffed. “Well, it wasn’t really an apology, but I’m glad you can see I’m not a complete asshole.” She smirked slightly and glanced away, taking another sip of her beer. It was disconcerting to Keira how easily this conversation had seemed to unfold with Jane. She almost, almost, forgot about her brother at all. She was quite relieved at Jane’s underplayed reaction to Keira’s response to having a type, but still she was scrunching up her nose in slight disgust at the thought of “vibing” with someone. “If that’s what you want to call it, then sure.” She shrugged, taking the final sip of her beer. “Though the idea of vibes sounds equally like bullshit to me. But yeah... I guess it just depends on the person, how I enjoy talking to them and everything. So yeah... I guess vibes, but that word is so lame.” 

Keira watched Jane curiously after asking her about Matt. It seemed like her boyfriend was her biggest priority in this entire situation, so Jane’s reply about Matt surprised Keira a little bit. Her mouth opened slightly, but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Matt’s death, something that seemed like such a distant, albeit sad, occurance to Keira over the past few weeks, but Jane was basically directly impacted by it. It made Keira’s curiosity over Jane’s persistence in defending JJ even stronger. She closed her mouth and nodded. “I’m sorry.” It felt lame, she wished there was more she could say, but she hadn’t really experienced the death of someone close to her, though she’d been in love with someone who had, and knew how straining it was. 

The moment passed and Jane was walking into the living room, so Keira followed. It seemed she had read Keira’s mind about her brother being in any of the bedrooms, and she nodded slightly, searching the room. It was then that she felt her phone vibrate and looked down. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” sorry i missed your call, left to go to Noah’s. x “That prick...” She groaned and looked up at Jane with an eyeroll. “My dickhead of a brother left like twenty minutes ago and didn’t say anything until now.” She shook her head and looked around, thinking for a moment. After the vulnerable moment Jane had just shared with her, it felt like an absolute asshole move to just leave. “Do you smoke?” She asked, pulling out her box of rolling papers. 

tough on myself | jane + keira

It was the first time Jane had really been included in LGBTQ+ community with the simple comment from Keira. She nodded with enthusiasm, wanting to be included all the time. She had never really ventured into trying to be a part of the community, as she hadn’t really told many people about it before, because it was just easier to have people assume she was straight. Speaking about it with Keira and being included in the community with just the simple comment on ‘understanding’ dating made her realise it was something she had wanted to be involved with. Maybe that was why she really wanted to tell Keira, for a sense of community. She said it wasn’t all bad though and the flutter in her chest told her this wasn’t just for community, she wanted to know that it wasn’t all that bad. Her eyes remained fixated on Keira’s eyes and then her mouth as she drank her beer, smiling ever so slightly. “Yeah, I guess so.” 

Jane let out a hearty laugh, shaking her head, losing herself in the moment and not knowing how she was coming across at all. “Well, now I know you’re lying, because we don’t get any fucking tourists here.” With a shrug, she agreed that some influencers did come across as completely fake, but Jane always felt that she tried to be an authentic version of herself that could be well received by an audience. Barely containing a smile, she muttered, “Good to know you think I come across like an absolute prick then.”

It would have been evident to any outsider that Keira didn’t want to open up or have her mind changed on the matter of needing people, so Jane didn’t push it further. She could drop it and simply smile and ignore the fact that Keira definitely didn’t really agree with what she had just said. “We could try upstairs? He might be in one of the bedrooms… Even though I make it clear I’m uncomfortable with people in my bedroom, you always find someone having sex in there.” She shook her head violently when she realised what she had said. “Not that I’m saying your brother would be getting off with anyone, but… Anyway, follow me.” She turned on her heel and rushed to go back inside. It, therefore, took Jane by surprise when Keira prompted her to ask another question. She had fully expected Keira to call it game over after the last round. It was a delightful position to be in and she decided to blame this on the drinks when she would surely regret it in the morning. “Okay, well, what’s your type then?” 

Keira gave Jane a questioning look as she laughed, unable to resist a small smile herself at how funny Jane had found the joke. Ultimately though, she rolled her eyes with an amused scoff. “Yeah, the tourist bit may have been overkill, but either way, I stand by my phone photography abilities, and general photography abilities as well, so I still say it qualifies me to at least judge my instagram feed.” She smirked, taking another sip of her beer. Jane grew quieter, and her next words actually made Keira feel slightly guilty. She hesitated, before finally looking away with a shrug. “I didn’t call you a prick, just... The entire institution of it, I guess. A generalization. It’s not like my opinion on it changes anything, anyway. I didn’t mean it directly at you, though.” It was the closest she had come to apologizing for something she felt very strongly about. Why the fuck was she suddenly feeling so inclined to explain away a statement she’d made with complete confidence only a minute before? Obviously she meant this too - Jane wasn’t a prick, or ingenuine, and that was only becoming clearer to Keira the longer they spoke. 

The thought of her brother in Jane’s bedroom was laughable to Keira, as he’d recently started dating a girl in the same course as him at Uni and he was blatantly obsessed with her - she was all he really spoke about at home. It was disgustingly unbearable. The chances of him doing anything other than getting drunk off of someone else’s alcohol or just getting super high were quite slim at this point in the night. Still, she followed Jane into the house, instantly relieved that Jane was positioning slightly ahead of her as she posed her question, because it completely caught Keira off guard. She nearly stopped fully in the doorway of the house just at the shock of how brazen it was. She didn’t though, instead furrowing her eyebrows in a slightly critical manner and shrugging dismissively. “I don’t have one. I don’t believe in that bullshit... It’s just a way for people to justify their questionable taste.” Keira took a sip of her drink, quite pleased with this response because it was true, and it perfectly avoided any prying from Jane about her dating history. Besides, Keira hardly even felt like she had reason to have a type. She had only ever dated one person before, so how could she say? She rolled her eyes at the realization that this now meant she needed to ask a question. 

It felt quite bold, and extremely out of place compared to their previous questions, but it had been one that Keira had wondered since the night Jane had stopped into the petrol station. It also felt justified after the series of personal questions Jane had asked her.

“Did you know Matt?” 

tough on myself | jane + keira

With a shrug, Jane smiled to herself more than Keira that she had managed to have an impact. “I don’t care that you’re saying that with sarcasm, it’s a win for me.” She raised her eyes to Keira’s level again with a smile that could not be suppressed. As Keira didn’t say much to her huge, unnecessary speech, she started wondering if this was the perfect opportunity to expand more on it, let Keira know that she was in fact a bisexual. That wasn’t crossing the line too much with JJ, was it? That technically wasn’t flirting to just inform a girl (you kind of like… maybe… definitely attracted to anyway) that you are a bisexual, right? Scared that it might be the only chance for it to come up, she let the words tumble out of her, “Well, you know, I’m bi and with a small village it would be hard to actually find a girl, but I guess being in a relationship, I don’t really need to think about that for now… I just thought I would say as people usually say I come across ‘straight-passing’, which is bullshit,” She laughed slightly at herself, as if obvious why that was stupid. “but uhm… anyway, I get that it would be hard in a village…” She trailed off, smiling uncomfortably at Keira now as she waited for a response to that. 

Rolling her eyes, she laughed at her argument. “You’re really trying to rain on my parade today, aren’t you? Let me have my win.” It was kind of terrifying to stand up to Keira, even if it was over a silly game. It might have been a silly game, but she was basically saying Keira had her down all wrong and that was a bold statement to make regardless of it being a game or not. “And you say that like you’ve met so many influencers,” Jane laughed, thankful that her challenge hadn’t caused chaos to this hopefully budding friendship. When Keira said she had thought she was arrogant, not terrible, it caused a blush to rise to her cheeks. She knew it had. It was ridiculous, but this was the biggest step they had taken in the right direction and it felt like a turning point. It was also a point, however, that made her realise that she had challenged Keira without a thought for JJ. If this connection was supposed to be all for him, then she really shouldn’t be taking stupid risks like that. She put JJ to the back of her mind for a moment longer. He wasn’t really needed here right now. 

Jane followed Keira out into the garden, silently, partly waiting for Keira’s answer and partly unable to speak even if she wanted to. It was because thinking of JJ had encompassed her with the fear again. The Fear. It seemed better in capitals. It followed her around like an unwanted shadow nowadays and it couldn’t be shaken off. Spending this time with Keira, even though it was all to stop The Fear and so was entirely about The Fear, actually seemed to distract the shadow of darkness. It had taken her by surprise that The Fear had left her at all for a few minutes of talking to Keira. 

The only person you can rely on is yourself. 

Nobody else in Jane’s life thought this way. She was being relied on for JJ, her mum relied on her, Robin relied on her, people relied on each other. She needed that to be true. She needed the truth to be that nothing was one-way. She could rely on everyone who relied on her. JJ was someone she could rely on. “I think,” She started, ignoring the tickle in her throat as she was consumed by The Fear and JJ. Two separate scary things. “I think it’s sad that you don’t think you can rely on anyone else. I do, but I understand why people might think that.” She nodded her head firmly at Keira in an attempt to show that she really did understand and that it was a concept she was struggling with herself. Softening her face into a smile again, she answered Keira’s question for her. 

“They’re people I know and I’ve come to learn I have quite a charming personality,” She joked with a momentarily smug smile. “So naturally, yeah, I have a lot of people I know and it’s nice they all just see this version of me I want them to see and they don’t expect a lot from me. I’ve got a small group of actual proper friends to actually be me and… to rely upon.” She shrugged with a squint of her face, before finally turning away from Keira’s intense, yet magnetic stare. “Can you see your brother then or…?” 

Keira tried not to let her surprise show as Jane mentioned being bi, because it really didn’t matter, and the fact that she was surprised only fed into the bullshit idea that “straight-passing” was even a thing to begin with. It wasn’t even that she was surprised as much as it was simply a scenario Keira had never really considered. The only other queer girls she knew of in Spenningdale were Rosie and Cleo, but of course that didn’t mean they were the only ones. “Yeah, straight-passing is total bullshit. Such an antiquated way of looking at sexuality.” She smiled slightly at Jane, feeling herself open up ever so slightly more to her without giving herself full permission at this new knowledge. “In that case, I’m sure you really do get how difficult dating can be here.” Keira shrugged it off, taking a sip of her beer. “It’s not all bad, though.” She could have expanded on that comment, but she didn’t, treating it as a punctuation to the topic, instead.

She rolled her eyes, letting out a scoff at her own blatant misconceptions about influencers. “Yeah well I have taken a handful of iPhone photos for tourists, so that definitely qualifies me to judge.” Keira shrugged, taking another sip of the beer. Choosing not to directly acknowledge that she was beginning to make jokes with Jane now. “Besides, even though social media is bullshit most of the time, you can just tell that some influencers are absolute pricks, right?” The longer she spoke with Jane, the more obvious it was that she wasn’t the way Keira had assumed she would be. She was genuine, or seemed to be anyway. 

Keira pushed the thought away.

Once in the garden, she was quiet as Jane spoke about relying on others, her eyes glued to the dark expanse of the small garden. She remained silent, searching for a brother who was clearly not outside, so she could avoid searching within herself for a rebuttal to Jane’s comment. An extended moment passed before Keira finally shrugged. “Like I said, I have my family. That’s all I need now.” It was true, her parents and Andrew were enough. She could trust them - they needed her as much as she needed them. It was symbiotic, unlike most of her other relationships had eventually ended up. Keira was relieved when Jane turned the topic back to her, as it was a bit easier for her to zone out that way. To not think about the memories that hurt her, that made her view things so apparently differently than Jane. She nodded, looking from Jane to the spot in the garden that her gaze had previously locked onto, shaking her head at the question about her brother. “No, he’s being such an idiot,” She groaned, pulling out her phone once more to see no new messages. “Is there anywhere else in the house you think people might be?” Keira began to follow Jane, adding against her better judgment. “You never asked me another question, by the way.” 

tough on myself | jane + keira

The comment should have been enough to stop Jane smiling, but she took a sip of her drink, grinning uncontrollably. “So I did something to earn a smile?” It was a nice thought and she didn’t really want Keira to reply to ruin it. As she most likely would. “Uh…” She began, at the question of her boyfriend. Why did she talk about small dating pools if she didn’t want to bring attention to the fact that she was bi? Or maybe she wanted Keira to talk about not being able to find a girl here? Or maybe she just shouldn’t have said anything at all, because, like Keira said, she had a boyfriend. Her eyes followed Keira’s gesture and she stared at the packed room of people, unable to see JJ in it. “Well, I was talking more generally… generally it would be hard to find someone to date. You have to be lucky to find someone in a such a small village that you have a connection with and it’s not just like you’re dating, because they’re the only one there. You actually feel sparks with them.” Realising she was rambling on far too much, she quickly concluded. Ignoring the actual sparks that she could feel somewhere in her chest. “So, yeah, I guess I’m lucky.” 

She was surprised Keira agreed so quickly to the game, but she was definitely going to force her to play regardless of the initial reaction anyway. A giddy noise left her mouth and as soon as she was aware the noise was coming from her mouth, she put a stop to it. “So I’m right then,” It was a happy announcement from Jane, noting that she wanted to travel as well. In another world, it would be so nice to travel the world with someone. She had never really spoken to JJ about that, because, well, their whole relationship, their world was right here, and that wasn’t really something they had thought about expanding. At Keira’s assumption of her, she simply smiled as if to say, ‘you really don’t know me at all’ and that was her expectation when playing this game, right? She lightly pressed her hand on Keira’s shoulder to let her know it wasn’t time to go outside yet. 

“God, you really think I’m a terrible person, don’t you?” She shook her head, laughing in genuine amusement. “Well, I don’t think I deserve more, I want to travel too or move to a city, but not out of entitlement. Why does me wanting to do that have to have different intentions to you?” Internally, she didn’t know why she had just stepped over that line with Keira, but she had and she couldn’t go back, so she had another quick sip of her drink. “Anyway, I won that round, so I want to ask you a question… Why don’t you seem to have friends? Like is that a personal choice to be alone or not?” 

Keira rolled her eyes, fighting back amusement at Jane’s excitement. “Yes. Congratulations, you’ve single handedly proven that I have actual feelings.” She looked at Jane curiously, feigning an intent expression as she nodded along to her explanation. “Right...” Keira understood what Jane was saying, or at least what she thought she was trying to say, completely. Finding someone that you liked enough to date was hard enough in a village as small as Spenningdale, but it decreased even more when you were a girl who only liked girls. She felt the smallest tinge at Jane’s comment about feeling sparks and how hard it was to find that. She’d had that once, but was robbed of the sparks without even the slightest warning. Now, she doubted they’d ever existed in the first place, or ever would again. Keira shook herself out of it, offering Jane a shrug. “I guess so, if that’s the way you look at it.” From what Keira had gathered from rumors about JJ and the way Jane acted about him, it sounded less like luck and more like settling. 

She laughed slightly, taking another sip of her beer and noticing herself relax ever-so-slightly. “Yeah, but is it really that surprising? Doesn’t everyone want to leave at one point or another? Like you said, the pool of people is miniscule. It’s suffocating.” The relaxation Keira felt a minute earlier came to a halt when Jane stopped her from walking into the garden, replaced by frustration once again. She rolled her eyes, but then stopped immediately, looking back at Jane as she defended herself. Another bold move that impressed Keira. She nodded thoughtfully with her eyebrows raised, as if to show that Jane had made a good point, then took another sip of beer. “That’s fair. I guess I just assumed from your instagram persona that you’d be like every other influencer. But I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong.” She moved to open the door once again, pausing to look at Jane before she stepped outside. “And for the record, not terrible, just... Arrogant.” 

With that, Keira finally walked outside, her eyes scanning the garden as Jane spoke. She thought about the question in silence. Keira had always been a loner, content with being self-sufficient, like her parents had raised her to be. Of course she’d been close with people - Amelia, Cleo. But the people closest to her, aside from her family, had always left her or hurt her, or both. So it was easier to just be alone. After a long pause, she simply shrugged, intent on keeping her eyes searching the garden, rather than on Jane, despite the fact that there was no sign of her brother. “I have had friends and I have people that I’m friendly with. But ultimately the only person you know you can always rely on is yourself. I’m close with my family, too.” She didn’t know why she was sharing this much with Jane, she could have lied, she could have refused to answer, but here she was actually opening up to someone that she barely knew. In an attempt to cover up any vulnerabilities, she added. “I'm not sure how long that will last though, if my dumbass brother doesn’t turn up soon.” Keira realized this meant she had to ask a question, so she decided to turn things back to Jane. “Why do you have so many friends? Isn’t it exhausting to have so many people expecting things from you?” 

tough on myself | jane + keira

There wasn’t anything for Jane to say about it being exhausting knowing so many people, because Keira then smiled. Hardly a real one, but she smiled. It was something. “You smile? I mean, you did just then… a little. It’s good to know.” Sheepishly she smiled with a shake of her head, immediately regretting pointing that out. “Yeah, it’s kind of nice being able to know everyone in the village, but it makes it impossible to have options for friends or… dating, right?” She winced at herself, looking down at her hands. Why was her mouth speaking before thinking anything through properly? 

She returned Keira’s smile, resisting the urge to comment on it again. It was a reminder she didn’t necessarily want as Keira spoke that she wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. “Oh… oh yeah, maybe we should look outside first? If he smokes?” She started towards the door, but with her hand on the door handle she turned back to face Keira. “We should play a game as we do this. It might make things more entertaining for you.” She didn’t wait for a response before continuing on. “Okay, so we’ll make assumptions about each other and if we’re right, we take turns to ask each other questions about whatever. If we’re wrong, then… I don’t know you can choose the wrong forfeit. I’ll make an assumption about you first -,” She strained her face, as if she was thinking hard about it. “You can’t wait to move out of Spenningdale.” 

Keira looked up at Jane, caught off guard by how blatant her statement was. She just looked at Jane for a moment, dumbfounded by how bold it was. She was almost impressed. Keira finally rolled her eyes, letting out an amused scoff. “Of course I smile, just not when it isn’t earned.” She raised her eyebrows pointedly, as if proving her point completely and punctuating the sentence. Jane went on to mention how small the friendship and... dating... pools were in Spenningdale, and Keira took a sip of beer, giving her a confused look. “I mean, I suppose so. But I don’t see why that would affect you, seeing as you have a boyfriend and know - what, all of these people?” She mused rhetorically, motioning her beer bottle to the packed house once again. 

Keira thought for a moment about where Andrew might be, thinking through Jane’s suggestion of the garden. “He does have quite shit taste in cigarettes, so it’s worth a try,” she conceded with only a slightly uninvested shrug. She followed Jane towards the door, impressed by her own self-control as she held back a groan at Jane’s pause and subsequent game suggestion. Keira could have turned and stomped out of the party in that moment, absolutely frustrated with Andrew for not answering his phone and Jane for being incapable of doing anything simply. But she remained where she was, letting a small burst of air leave her nose, the only sign of her underlying frustration. “Yeah, okay. Fine.” Keira looked down at her shoes impatiently, waiting for Jane’s assumption. She snorted slightly at it, looking back up at Jane as if she’d just stated the most obvious thing in the world. “Well, yeah, obviously. Like I said, cramped, small, filled with frustrating people. I’d rather be in a city, or travel around.” Keira looked up at Jane, forgetting that it was her turn and then quickly looked up at the ceiling to think of something. “Um, let me guess - you think you’re too good for it here. Like you deserve more.” Keira looked back to Jane, her eyebrows raised, then gave a slight nod towards the door. “Well, that’s round one. Shall we then?” 

tough on myself | jane + keira

Still trying to persist keeping a conversation flowing with Keira, she nodded her head with great interest at what Keira provided about her brother, even though she had spoken with such little interest for the subject matter herself. “Well, if he’s at my house then I must know him then.” She glanced around the room that was cramped with people she knew quite well and others she had the faintest clue who they were. She added with a sheepish shrug, “Or… at least know of him vaguely. A friend of a friend?” 

Jane took it as a win that Keira was agreeing to take a drink and felt a small flutter in her chest, but realising she was agreeing without humour about Jane, she laughed slightly. Out of discomfort more than anything else. “Hey, you know I’m really not as bad as you seem to think I am. If, I mean, when you get to know me.” She smiled, feeling rather coy about being almost honest at the fact she knew that face value she might appear to be a certain way that she didn’t actually relate to. Quickly after this she scurried to the kitchen to hide her face for just a moment. “Uh,” She began with a grimace, picking up a very cheap bottle of wine from the kitchen counter. It wouldn’t be good to even offer that. “How about I get you a beer?” She asked, already moving to hand her a beer. She didn’t know who it belonged to, but it didn’t matter. 

Keira gave a skeptical nod at Jane knowing Andrew, once again glancing around the packed living room. “You know this many people? Seems exhausting.” The most imperceptible smile played on her lips as Jane corrected herself, but Keira caught it in time to cover with a shrug. “Sure, Spenningdale is suffocatingly small so it’s not impossible.” She couldn’t say she’d ever heard Jane’s name leave Andrew’s mouth, but she also couldn’t say she would have had any reason to care if it had up until now. He did know JJ though, not that it really mattered anyway, Andrew hadn’t been around the night JJ and Matt were at the station. She hadn’t even bothered mentioning it to him.

Keira found herself glancing around the room once more, this time in search of JJ, suddenly curious where he was if Jane was so distracted with her. She turned back to Jane as she spoke again, simply offering a flat laugh as a response, as she knew she’d have no other reason to get to know her. Jane would help her find Andrew and then Keira would leave and never have to speak to her again. Jane turned then to walk into the kitchen as Keira reluctantly followed, internally groaning at the selection of alcohol available. She raised her eyebrows as Jane reached for the wine bottle, and she must have sensed Keira’s judgment, as she quickly reached for the beer instead. Keira shrugged and accepted the beer, taking a small sip. “Cheers.” She gave a curt smile then looked around Jane and towards doorway expectantly. “So, is the entire house open tonight? Doubt my brother’s touring the place but I’d like to find him and be out of here as soon as humanly possible.”

tough on myself | jane + keira

Jane struggled to hear Keira speak as she wasn’t speaking for the noise intensity in the room, but she guessed that she was doing that on purpose and that what she was saying wasn’t going to encourage further conversation. “Oh, your brother goes to our college to?” She asked, really trying to show a level of enthusiasm that Keira wasn’t imitating. And then she saw an opportunity to be even with her for the whole ‘not saying anything about JJ and Matt’ things. A small token of gratitude after the party invite didn’t go over so well. “I can help you look for him?” 

With gritted teeth that reeked of trying to get something out of Keira, Jane nodded her head. It was really was a challenge, but she wasn’t backing down. On seeing Keira looking annoyed at her phone, she pushed the matter further with a sweeter smile. A smile very few people could resist. “You know, it might take a little while to find him and a drink might be the only way you suffer through another ten minutes with me.” On this note, she started moving with her own drink to her lips, scouting out a suitable drink for Keira. 

Keira’s plan to spend the least time possible at the party seemed to be failing as Jane continued to talk. She shook her head, half her attention remaining on searching the room as she spoke. “Did. He’s at uni now, but still has some friends at college, or something.” The last part was added flippantly, as she could already sense Jane would find some part of that question to elaborate on. Who are his friends? What university does he attend? All pointless questions that didn’t matter. What did matter was finding her brother so she could leave. She turned her full attention back to the people surrounding them. Jane was offering to help then, and while Keira immediately rolled her eyes and went to say no, she ultimately paused and shrugged. The quicker that she found Andrew, the faster she could be back at home in peace, with her own choice of music to enjoy - though the slight ringing in her ear from this music might never fade. “Yeah, okay. Fine.”

She looked up from her phone to see a wide smile on Jane’s lips, scoffing at her suggestion. “Yeah, you might be right.” Keira didn’t realize that Jane might take this as less of a dig as Keira intended and more of an agreement until she was turning towards the drink table to evidently find Keira a drink. “Fucking lovely,” Keira groaned to herself, reluctantly following Jane through the crowd. “Beer is fine. Unless there’s wine?” Though a shot would really make all of this easier. 

tough on myself | jane + keira

Okay, so there were more people here than she had promised JJ there would be, but it was going well. Sure, most of the conversations seemed to surround - ‘Who was the murderer? Wasn’t it shocking that Owen, prime suspect until this week, was here? Did they really think he didn’t do it?’ But they were all still here, so they couldn’t have been that bothered past stupid gossip. Anytime she heard that kind of speak, she either turned the volume up on the music or revealed new alcohol sources to the group in question. It was going quite well and turning suspicion off surely. She wasn’t sure where JJ was, but it was all okay. 

She was pouring herself a new drink (she had gone through quite a few already), but then she saw someone she wasn’t expecting to show up at all - Keira Lee. In the shock of the moment, she overflowed her drink and not wanting to clean it up, she just left it and headed over to Keira, waving and smoothing over her outfit. Her cleavage flaunting black velvet top and high-waisted jeans, she thought she looked very cute and had already taken all the photos for her insta, as now she was definitely not in any fit state to take any more. 

“Hey,” She started, leaning in a bit close to ensure Keira could hear her. “I knew my invite would eventually win you over. It was enticing, right? Did you text me to say you were coming?” A guy she was pretty sure wanted to have sex with her at some point and previously might have kissed her actually, was walking past as she talked to Keira and mid-speech, she took the drink he just sipped on for herself, smiling sweetly as she did so. “Sorry, sorry, this is my party, I’m thirsty.” Turning back to Keira, as if the guy didn’t exist and he didn’t really in this moment. “You don’t have a drink. What do you want?” 

Keira’s eyes continued to search the room for her brother as Jane approached. Only when she reached her and said hi, did she momentarily give up her search for Andrew and look back to Jane. “Hi,” She said curtly and as close to normal volume as possible, refusing to shout over the music. Keira let out a incredulous laugh and shook her head, noting how tipsy Jane seemed to be. “I’m only here to find my brother,” she said in a bored voice, eyes searching the crowd once more. She was distracted once again from her search as a guy passed and Jane brazenly stole his drink. She rolled her eyes and scoffed, but part of her respected the power move. 

Jane turned back to Keira then, offering a drink. She shook her head. “Like I said, not staying. Once I find my dickhead of a brother and give him this,” she pulled the bottle out from beneath her jacket and held it up, “I’ll be on my way.” Keira pulled out her phone to see if Andrew had called her back, but nothing. So much for keeping the fucking peace. 

‘My dear sister! Can you do me a favor? At party, left a bottle in my room. Could you bring it by?’

‘Fuck off.’ 

‘Lifesaver! See you soon x’ 

Keira gave an appalled scoff into the quiet solitude of her room, tucking her phone into her back pocket as she moved into her brother Andrew’s room next door. It was infuriating at times how well he knew her, and how even after his first semester away at uni, he could still see past her harsh texts in an instant. Of course she’d get the bottle and of course she’d bring it to him. It only took a moment of searching before Keira discovered the unopened bottle of vodka hidden beneath a pile of clothes, placed purposefully to avoid any questions from their parents, no doubt. 

She pulled on her boots and denim jacket, careful to tuck the bottle underneath to avoid any unnecessary comments from her Mum and Dad. The party wasn’t a far walk, but even before Keira turned the corner onto the street that he’d sent her, she could hear the blaring bass against the otherwise stillness of the night. Is this the sound Matt Banks heard in the moments leading up to his death? She shook the thought away, though intrusive thoughts just like that seemed to have been popping into her head a lot in the few days since her conversation with Jane, and it was becoming more and more difficult to act like everything was as it had always been. 

Keira pulled out her phone as she reached the house, texting her brother to come get his alcohol, as she really had absolutely no interest in going inside. After waiting five, then ten, and finally fifteen minutes for a response, Keira wanted to just throw the bottle on the ground and leave. He’ll be going back to uni in a few days, she thought to herself, might as well keep the peace. So, with an eye roll and a groan that was immediately drowned out by the music, Keira walked up the drive and through the door, eyes searching for Andrew. It wasn’t until she made eye contact with someone who definitely wasn’t her brother, Jane Oliver, that she remembered Jane’s mention of a party she was throwing. “Oh for fuck’s sake,” She muttered to herself as she saw Jane wave and make her way over. 

strange effect / keira + jane

At the slight silence that lingered in the air, Jane thought she might have had a breakthrough with Keira. A small one, but a breakthrough nonetheless. Her eyes widened ever so slightly, waiting to hear what Keira would say, but the disappointment was enough to crush her in that moment. What she said hit her a bit too hard, questioning when the good would come back with JJ that would make all of this worthwhile. She didn’t need Keira knowing any more than she had already voluntarily offered up to her, so she bit her lip and pointed out something else. “It sounds like you’ve got experience with that.” 

And she knew Keira had dated a girl once. She didn’t remember the details of who it was, but Jane always noted girls together, it was just something she found fascinating and so she watched.

The invite to the party was something she was always planning on giving out, but now that it was being refused, she kind of wished she was saying yes. Keira had a hard wall that longed to be smashed in and Jane was always attracted to hard wall exteriors in friends or partners. It made her feel more special when she got through to someone. “Well, if you change your mind… I’ll give you my number.” She held out her hand expectantly to put her number in her phone. Decidedly ignoring Keira’s plea for her to leave. 

Keira stared down at the counter, hard, at the comment Jane made. She didn’t like being psychoanalyzed, and in the back of her mind she kicked herself for being so obviously bitter with that comment in the first place, despite how true it really was. You can’t save someone else by drowning yourself, especially when the other person isn’t willing to meet you halfway. So, yes, she did have experience with that, but Jane didn’t need to know that. Keira shrugged once more with a humorless half-laugh, as if it was the most casually obvious thing in the world. “Hasn’t everyone?”

She was actually quite impressed at how insistent Jane was, as she continued to stand in front of Keira confidently, despite her many attempts to shoo her away. So, when Jane offered her number and held out her hand for Keira’s phone, she only slightly rolled her eyes and mumbled “fine,” before reaching into her back pocket and handing her phone to Jane. Reasoning that it would make her go away quicker since she seemed to be ignoring every other sign Keira was giving that she was done with the conversation. She took her phone back from Jane once she was done, giving her a flat smile. “Like I said, parties really aren’t my thing, so I won’t change my mind. Thanks anyway.” Another person walked through the door then, and Keira looked over Jane’s shoulder at the customer, then back to Jane. “Well, as lovely of a chat as this has been, it looks like I have another customer to assist.”

strange effect / keira + jane

Jane’s tongue hit the roof of her mouth at the question Keira posed. “I don’t know, it seems like I might be causing more damage.” She smiled to make light of the fact that she was aware this was not going to plan at all. “Well, yeah, obviously not. He would probably go about all this in the wrong way and end up pissing you off so much that you went to the police or, you know, terrifying you.” She laughed lightly, realising he would definitely cause damage to the property. “Anyway, he didn’t ask me, I offered. You help people you love, right?” She didn’t know why she felt the need to defend JJ even now or try to make herself sound like a better person to Keira, but she seemingly did. JJ was the one who asked her and she was just adding it to a long list of things she was doing to help JJ right now, but she kept crossing the things off her list by saying ‘you help people you love’ to herself over and over again. She thought it would work to say it out loud to Keira too. 

Things were really not going to plan as Keira continued to argue every point she made. Jane opened her mouth to answer and then shut it firmly again. This happened another time, before she let out a frustrated laugh. A nod. “Yeah, okay… maybe, yeah, I see what you’re saying. Hmm good point.” She pointed at Keira as if she was making an excellent point in a school presentation. “I guess I’m trying to say it is important and that’s why it’s important to us, to me, that you don’t say anything.” She cringed, already imagining relaying this conversation back to JJ and seeing his face crumble like the puppy he currently was, but then the miraculous thing happened. Keira agreed. In surprise, Jane smiled, throwing a hand on Keira’s arm, but immediately removing it when she felt strange tingles on her arm. She sometimes found that happened around intimidating girls if she touched them. She hummed, wiping her hand on her coat. “Great, that’s great… thanks.” She smiled wider again.

“Now I can tell you the fun stuff. I’m having a party on Friday and you should totally come.”

Keira stifled a snort at Jane’s comment of causing more damage, because she absolutely had. It’s not like JJ and Matt’s fight hadn’t stuck in Keira’s mind, especially after hearing about Matt’s death, but even then she’d never even thought about going to the police about it. Now, the longer Jane stood in front of her, rambling on about the importance of what she witnessed and not going to the cops about it, it seemed like the memory of the argument that night became clearer and clearer in her mind. JJ seemed sketchy as fuck. She didn’t voice this though. She simply offered Jane a sarcastic smile and nod at the thought of JJ coming here to cover his own ass. What Jane said next though was enough to wipe the smile from Keira’s face. A small phrase she’d spoken to herself one too many times, piercing through to her heart and causing it to immediately drop into her stomach. You help the people you love. She was quiet for a moment, before clearing her throat and shrugging. “If people really loved you, they wouldn’t put you through so much shit.” 

Keira looked down at Jane’s hand as it rested on her arm, then back up at her with her eyebrows raised, questioningly. As if to say, what the fuck are you doing? Jane quickly moved her hand, smiling and thanking Keira, who just shrugged. “Yeah, whatever.” The snort she’d tried to stifle moments before fully left her at the mention of a party, and Keira’s hand moved back to rest of her book that she’d pushed to the side. A sign that she was ready for this conversation to be over. “Yeah, hard pass. Parties aren’t really my scene.” She glanced back up at Jane, book now in hand, and sat back in her seat behind the counter.  “Anyway, you have your magazine now, and the answer to your question. Have a nice day.” 

strange effect / keira + jane

There was a silent signal that her approach was going better - the book pushed to the side. She could stay and she would get more of Keira’s attention. At the first and only question Keira had asked today though, she realised she probably hadn’t been getting a lot of her attention before this if she had to ask such a question. It kind of pissed her off. Didn’t everyone know who she was? She was the most famous person in the village with her instagram follower count. 

“Well, I don’t care what you saw, just who you tell, because, duh, JJ’s my boyfriend.” Her mouth naturally fell into a pout and she tried her best to control it to remain in neutral. She scratched at her forehead, confused at why Keira didn’t care to see that what happened that night was very relevant to the case… if JJ was the killer, of course. “Oh my God, obviously the police don’t know that? You don’t think you would have been questioned if they did? JJ hasn’t even been questioned yet. I mean, they’ll figure it out eventually, but… I’m guessing you’re not going to go to them yourself? That’s all I need to know.” 

Keira rolled her eyes, then gave a small nod, as if only just now understanding this entire situation. “Oh I see, so you’re here to do damage control for him, then?” Air left her nostrils in a way that might seem like a laugh. “Seems quite pathetic that he can’t handle his own messes, but I guess that’s just what boys are best at.” Aside from her father and her older brother, Keira couldn’t really name a single other man that wasn’t extremely useless in one way or another, and it made her very grateful that she could choose to stay as far away from them as possible, lest she want to end up in whatever pseudo-saviour bullshit Jane had found herself tangled up in. 

She narrowed her eyes slightly at Jane’s interrogation, and held a hand up. “Okay, let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly. You’ve come on behalf of your boyfriend to tie together any loose ends from that night. Makes sense. But you do realize the longer you stand here trying to explain to me how important what I witnessed is, the more you’re fucking it up for yourself, right? You’re basically convincing me of how important the information that I have would be to the cops, but asking me not to tell anybody?” Keira found the smallest bit of humor in this conversation, not in relation to Matt’s death, of course, but at how desperate Jane seemed over something that she didn’t even know the full details of. She shrugged and shook her head. “I think I’ve made it obvious enough now that I have no plans to go to the cops and that I really could not care less.” 

strange effect / keira + jane

Being observant was a trait Jane would have listed for herself, but on realising that Keira was wearing a nametag, all she could do was nod slowly with a thin-lipped smile to hide the awkwardness that tied them together at this point. Keira finished speaking and Jane saw she was going to have to change tactics maybe? Usually her sweet talk had immediate results, but alas, it might need more time and she decided to persevere. Smiling instead of wanting to crumble into annoyance. 

“Thanks,” She started, taking the change in a strange state of bewilderment. “I just mean, I guess, Matt was murdered and you don’t think that’s any of your business? Still? You don’t plan on going to the police?” 

Keira let out a silent breath and pushed her book to the side, preparing for Jane to linger here for a bit longer despite all of her attempts to quickly end the interaction. She had made an unspoken promise to herself long ago that she wouldn’t let herself get wrapped up in other people’s messes, as it only led to vulnerability and vulnerability always seemed to end in hurt. So what was the point? 

She shook her head. “No, not really.” Keira paused for a moment, looking at Jane curiously. “Why do you care so much about what I did or didn’t see, anyway?” She already thought she knew the answer, but Jane seemed hell bent on getting some sort of information out of Keira. “Look, he came in, bought some alcohol, got into a stupid fight with your boyfriend over drugs, then left. As far as I can see, the police already know that much. It really doesn’t involve me, and I’d really rather not get involved.” 

strange effect / keira + jane

After the all too thrilling conversation with JJ, it was apparent that there was even more she needed to do to help him. Everything she was having to do for him was starting to strain on her. The party she was going to have to host, covering up the fact that he was bruised, the initial lies in that first police interview, having to literally spell out to him what was stupid and not stupid for him to do in these situations, lying to everyone and now begging a mere stranger to not go to the police about JJ and Matt fighting. All of this because she believed he didn’t do it. She was happy to help if it meant he would forever be grateful for all she had done for him. 

When she said mere stranger, she knew Keira Lee went to her college and was gay. It was the only thing that really stuck out to Jane about her, as if being gay meant she was oozing with a sensuality that other women did not own. It was like a weird knowledge that if she kissed her there was a good chance that Keira would kiss her back if she found her attractive… and, come on, Jane was attractive. But that was a weird thing to think about. 

She entered the petrol station when she knew Keira was on shift (she had to do copious amounts of research for this acting role) and moved her sunglasses, despite it being night out, to the top of her head. Careful consideration had been taken over her outfit, wearing all white in an attempt to look angelic, however stylish as she thought it might be appreciated. She made eye contact from the magazine section with Keira. Having wasted enough time ‘browsing’, she picked up one fashion magazine and approached the till. 

“Just this, please.” She smiled, trying to get an imitation from Keira. “So you’re Keira, right?” It felt like a stupid question as she should have acted like she knew her name. “I mean, I know you are. I’m Jane and you probably knew that too… So I have something a bit delicate to ask you, but to be followed up with something fun.” She paused, deciding this wasn’t the best way to break the question to her. “I know you saw something, well, maybe something on New Year’s, but you haven’t told anyone? Why?” 

A lot of things around Spenningdale seemed to come to an abrupt halt following Matt Banks’ death, but operation of the petrol station was not one of them. Keira was in her usual spot behind the counter, reading a photography book her parents had gotten her for Christmas, when she heard the all too familiar chime of the door. She glanced up for a moment, trying her best to be only the slightest bit more vigilant after the other week, and lost interest immediately as she saw it was just another girl from school. 

Keira went back to her book until she was interrupted by a magazine sliding across the counter (Vogue, big fucking surprise there) and an all too polite voice. She only realized then that it was Jane, college it-girl and, as it was now just slightly more relevant to Keira, JJ Jhaveri’s girlfriend. Not that either of those things really meant anything to her. She wordlessly rang up the magazine, making a point to look down at the nametag she was wearing and then back up at Jane blankly. “Um, yes?” Keira didn’t even bother suppressing the sigh that escaped her as Jane seemed to want to turn what could have been a 5 second transaction into an entire conversation. She continued to stare blankly at Jane as she spoke, clearly uninterested in whatever ‘fun’ she had in store. Jane finally got to her point, and while it only took Keira a moment to realize what she was referring to, she didn’t really see why it was any of Jane’s business, so she just shrugged. “I see a lot of things here, doesn’t mean that it’s any of my business.” She handed Jane her change. “Anyway, here’s your receipt.”