Who Am I?

I have always prided myself on being a Woman. Capital W. Strong, independent, feminist. 

I am Capable. 

I can stand on my own feet, I can figure my problems out for myself, I can conquer the world if I so choose. 

Headstrong, demanding of respect. Intimidating to some, maybe. I can live with that. I am not down-trodden or weak. I don’t accept the little girl’s role that many have tried to box me into. I am vocal, I am proud, I am intelligent. 

I am my own. 

So why, now that you’re here, do I see myself softening? 

I am still capable, yes, but I am also seeing that I am capable of being cared for. I can be doted on, loved, handled, even. 

You saw me in all my raging feminist glory and you faced it with stout determination. Never once have you attempted to belittle my intellect or overpower my opinions, but you sure made sure to hold the door or take my hand to help me out of my seat. 

I am yours now, as well as mine. 

The intense warmth radiating from your heart has thawed my hardened exterior and encompassed my soul with the desire to please not only myself, but also you. What pleases you, for some odd reason, is pumping my gas, holding my jacket while I slip my arms into the sleeves, taking my plate back to the kitchen for me after we eat, making me moan and tremble and melt in your hand in the dim lighting of your bedroom. 

I don’t quite understand it, this shift in mindset, this new person I see in the mirror with a fading hickey peeking out above her bra. I don’t need you to crank my car for me before I leave, but it sure is nice to not have to sit in the cold. I don’t need you to go with me to take care of financial issues with my school, but it sure is nice to have the company. I don’t need you to take the lead when walking through a crowd, but it sure is nice to not have to think about which path to take for once.

My point in saying all this is, I can take care of myself; I’ve been doing it for 20 years now. I can think for myself, I can fight for myself, I can be happy. For myself. I don’t need you. 

I woke up this morning pretty sure I love you. Maybe not “in love.” I don’t really know what that means, honestly. I’ve always figured those were two different things. I mean, I love my cat, but I’m not “in love” with him, you know?

Love is a funny little thing. Everyone has felt it in one way or another. For the most part, your mom is probably the first person you experience love with. That’s the safe, steadfast kind of love. Somewhere along the way, we start to develop love for other family members, pets, and even stuffed animals. In my experience, many people go through their first heart-break within a friendship. I did, at least. 

I say all this to say, I know love. I know what it’s like to feel loved. I have been very loved in my life by many people: my parents, my friends, extended family. I also know what it’s like to feel love for someone else. That’s one thing about me. I love intensely; I care for people intensely. Sometimes to the point of hurting myself. I know that’s a discussion we’ve had before; that’s something you’ve said you like about me. I won’t get too far into that. 

The important thing is, I know love. I’m not claiming to have all the answers, because no one really understands love, do they? But one thing I know for sure is when you love someone, you always want them to be happy. That happiness is even better when you’re the reason they’re smiling. I can’t express in words the delight I feel when I see a smile on your face, when you look at me and those dimples carve perfect little craters in your cheeks.

I know that when someone makes you feel loved, you feel safe. You feel comfortable. When I’m with you, all my worries disappear. I never feel embarrassed, which is a major feat because I am embarrassed by my entire existence. I can look in your eyes and not flinch away, I can put my body in yours hands and trust you not to damage it, I can express my dreams, fears, my weird little late night notions with no fear of judgement. You make me feel at ease, which is not a common thing for me. you are a drug to me, an anti- anxiety pill. And you make me feel loved. 

Now, don’t take this as me accusing you of loving me. I for sure don’t know if that’s the case; you’ve said it casually in passing, not really a serious, deep eye gaze movie moment, so I don’t know if you meant it. I don’t know if you love me, or even if you think about it as deeply as I have been since about 7:15 this morning. But, that’s not what’s important right now. This is new, you don’t have to love me now. What is important, though, is that you make me. feel. loved. You make me feel safe, comfortable, like myself. When you’re happy, my heart could crack from the pressure of the joy I have inside. When you do the things you do that make me feel loved, I know, for sure, that I have love for you. 

ok, but if i let you in,

let you rummage in my cabinets and closets, 

show you my secrets and scars, 

will you stay? 

or will you leave 

my chest open 

for the cold 

You never leave my mind, you know. 

My brain is just a flurry of images. Images of your smile, your pretty blue eyes, that one singular dimple. Images of the scratchy little whiskers that grow on your chin when you haven’t shaved today, the way your bottom lip changes color when you suck it between your teeth. 

My brain is just a flurry of snippets of sounds. Snippets of the sudden, booming laugh that comes when I say something you don’t expect. Snippets of the way you start to stutter when you get sleepy or nervous. Snippets of the way those little pet names roll off your lips, baby, sweetheart, hun...

My brain is just a flurry of memories of feelings of the way you touch me. Memories of the way your hand presses into my back as we walk, how your fingers fit so neatly into mine. Memories of how your breath feels on my neck when we lay tangled together, how your fingers trail up and down my back when you hold me. 

My brain is just a flurry of whiffs of your smells. Whiffs of your skin on days you don’t wear cologne, whiffs of your cologne on the days that you do. Whiffs of your laundry detergent on your bunny soft white t-shirt and faded jeans. Whiffs of weed covered by Scope mouthwash, and the chicken you grilled for your mom earlier today. 

That I never knew before.

You touched parts of me

That I never expected to be touched.

All the while,

You said I was beautiful,

Amazing,

That you were blessed

To have me?

I believe you.

I was spinning.

Spiraling. Uncontrollable and flailing.

I had focused my attention on the never moving point in the blue sky that was inevitably numbing. Nothing mattered anymore. Everything hurt and was far too bright, but at the same time I could feel nothing and saw only gray.

Then you came.

Out of the blue, you fell into my lap. Or, more accurately, pulled me into yours. Wrapped me up in your arms. Refused to let me go, even when I tried to run in an attempt to protect my own sliced and shattered heart.

You saw me holding it in my hands as it seized and convulsed with every staggering beat, but you just smiled and told me I was beautiful anyway. Hesitantly, I handed it to you.

Please, I said. Be careful with it.

Bit by piece, hour by day, vein by artery, you squished my heart back together. Every hug squeezed the broken pieces back in place. Every kiss taught my nerves what it was like to feel again, to not recoil from human affection.

Thank you

For putting the blue

one day, he he was gone. 

you called me. i was the first person you called. my heart was ecstatic. 

“i realized you were right.” you were crying, adding to the buckets of tears i had wiped off of your face over the years. “i deserve better”

you do. you do deserve better. i said i was proud of you. i was happy for you. i loved you no matter what. the things he said didn’t matter anymore. you said you were happy i was there. that i didn’t leave you like other people had. that you loved me, too. 

you said you were coming home. that you wanted to hang out. just us, the way it had been before. so i dropped everything. i sat on your door step and waited for you. when you got there, i hugged you and you hugged me back. you were crying and i was supporting your beaten down soul, but you were the one fixing me in that moment.