I Tried to be Dramatic and then I Spilled

Self esteem is a tricky game. Many people have been conditioned to believe it’s someone else’s responsibility to build their self esteem. Be it their spouse or parents or friends, there seems to be a mentality of “I don’t love myself because they...”

Now obivously there are things like depression or other mental illness or terrible partners and terrible parents that screw with your self esteem and create struggles this rant is NOT referring to. But in general, I think people are afraid to love themselves. As if they have to put themselves down to be accepted. As if the only way you’re allowed to feel good about yourself is if someone else gives you permission.

Self esteem, by definition, can’t come from another person (learned that in therapy;) ). And people are just too busy. Can you imagine the ridiculous burden of having to make someone love themself? The amount of sheer energy and effort that would take?

People have their own self esteem to manage as well. It is my life goal to be a person that makes other people feel good about themselves (an ongoing and often thwarted project...), yet I still feel like I have to have something to work with in the first place.

I hate knowing that I don’t know something.

I don’t mind not knowing. That’s fine, that’s how it should be, I don’t want to know everything. But hearing that little voice in my head say “look. Look at this thing. This is a thing and you don’t know about it. You don’t know this thing exactly right here” it drives me bonkers.

It’s like when two people are whispering. I don’t suddenly care about their conversation, but I know want to know what’s being said. Why do I want to know this? Because I don’t know about it.

Now if the same two people are talking about something confidential, or maybe too personal, I’m good. I don’t need to know that, it’s not my business. But I need to know that I don’t need to know. I can’t not know about what I’m not knowing. I have to know something about the thing I don’t know or I will never have peace until I don’t not know it anymore.

Being human is hard. I have never seen a cat get embarrassed about calling someone the wrong name or a bird forget how to file their taxes. Only humans have the deal with that crap.

It’s hard because though we have minds that go infinitely inward, the reality is that we can’t do all that much. Sure, there are those jerks that actually can climb Mount Everest, win Olympic medals or become astrophysicists. But the rest of us? We have to live with limitations.

Limitations can be a blessing. None of us can handle the responsibility that comes with having no limits. Sometimes we have to accept that in exchange for that relief, sometimes we are inconvenienced. We have to get enough sleep. We have to take care of our brains. We have to make sure to manage our moods, we can’t be Superman. But that’s a blessing. We aren’t supposed to be limitless.

Which is why, I don’t understand why we always feel we need to try.

The phrase “ run yourself into the ground” comes to mind. Why? Why do we do that? Where is the pressure coming from? How do we stop it? How bout “run yourself to a gentle and complete stop before resuming at a more realistic pace”? Let’s try and accept our limits. Let’s try and make peace with our capabilities.

In reference to movies, media, memes and pop culture

You ever get a phrase stuck in your head and you’re like “who said "it ain’t about the tacos!” in a real high pitched voice to two other men or maybe women on a tv show or movie from the mid-90’s to early 2000’s and also maybe it was a commercial?“ And people look at you like you’re crazy because they know you’re referencing something but you don’t know what the reference is.

If you find that magical person who, instead of looking at you weird, answers you with the reference, treasure them.

Men and women, in general, should not interact.

Now before you go full feminist ‘separate but equal isn’t equal’ on me, consider this:

Women and women in general should not interact.

Men and men should not interact.

No one should talk.

People are the worst.

You gotta know yourself, boo. It's the first step toward loving yourself.

Can we talk about whipped cream for a minute? There are a few things I firmly believe there can never be too much of. Cheese, whipped cream, videos of cats, and loving friends are among them. Do y'all even comprehend how much whipped cream can enhance your life? I have solid friendships based on whipped cream. It is truly a lubricant for happiness.

I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with a better metaphor.

Anyways knowing that I love whipped cream the way I do and knowing that I am an adorable human disaster like I am, in the moment when of its own accord whipped cream vacates it’s bowl and takes up residence all over my chest, I am not alarmed. I am tranquil and content, because I am solidly grounded in the fact that I’m a mess. I know this. I accept it. I move on.

There are some people who are afraid. They have valid reasons I’m sure, and I respect their journey. However I must say that they are missing one very important point.

Being alive is the only thing guaranteed to kill you.

Riding on an airplane isn’t guaranteed to kill you. Riding in a car isn’t, eating sugar isn’t, even being shot isn’t. The only thing that will definitely eventually result in you losing your life is having one in the first place. Ironic, I know.

By the same vein, only those who fall in love get their heart broken. Only those who take risks lose. Only those who try to fly crash. Only those who seize opportunities risk disappointment.

****I eloquently typed out all my thoughts on this and then deleted it like an idiot so this is round two let’s hope for the best****

“You can’t have you’re cake and eat it too.” Then what, pray tell is the point of cake?

I don’t understand this idea that you can’t want everything. Why wouldn’t I? Why would you settle? Why pretend to want less than you do?

Some people get judgy when they hear you think like that. But they are missing the fact that wanting something and expecting something are two very different animals. Like, flea and crocodile different.

Of course I want it all. You do too, deep down. Maybe that makes me a spoiled brat, but what scares me more than that is this idea that you should deny having desires. Deny that you want everything to go well and right for you as if that’s something excessive.

Step one- Get Heels that fit. They need to be snug without rubbing on your tootsies.

Step two- try to go for a thicker heel. Thin Heels sink and break easier.

Step three- navigate your terrain. Aim for solid, flat surfaces. Rocks or flat ground, but not mud. Do not wear heels in sand. Why are you wearing shoes to the beach anyway?

Step four- stay alert to things that will disrupt your balance. Moving too fast will do it. Running in Heels only recommended for those in advanced classes.