jjb's Hive

It is a relief that I can tell people without too much judgement these days how much I suffer and struggle at some things. Tho, since my outward behavior doesn't usually match what I am saying with words it still does give me trouble.

It is a relief that I can tell people without too much judgement these days how much I suffer and struggle at some things. Tho, since my outward behavior doesn't usually match what I am saying with words it still does give me trouble.

Not just in the fact that God/Chuck Shurley is obviously a demiurge and there implied thing beyond his ignorant and blind world view, but the implications on the Existence of the Empty, Jack having inner light to reach towards outside of the known universe, and other nonsense like souls being in different ways trapped in existence either on Heaven or Hell or on Earth as spirits, comes really goddamn close to actual orinal god eminating thoughts into spritual beings.

Like, that whole Empty-business only makes sense if you have real Pistis Sofia/Gospel of Mary/Secret book of John, and consider it as the outside of Pleroma/Fullness where Wisdom/Sofia accidentally fell and gave birth to demiurge/creator god who then though he was the only and suprime and first in his ignorance.

I think I got frustrated and/or depressed or had a autistic meltdown vecause as most fanproject do, it didn't really go through as planned. I had long time ago in a fit of anguish ripped the painting apart.

Anyway, since I am cleaning and packing for moving I found pieces of it and noticed that top part is still salvageable by joining the pieces on Photoshop. And that gives me pieve, I really liked the birds a lot. At the time I liked the Destiel part of it but in highsight it had such bad anatomy and composition that I don't really mind it is lost to time.

Besides, I have to go through all artworks, drawibgs paibting etc and see what's been ruined in bad storage, and what I should give up in lack of space. That's urrghhhfgg

I'd rather give things away but that's not as easy said than done.

I've been so.ewhat writing like historical novel ideas that for sure won't anywhere. But I got so deep into Gnostic scripture in research that I started seeing really pressuring and anxious dreams mostly from Gnostic Apocalypse of Peter. I am not particularly religious and it doesn's very much help if my dreams are quoting difficult scipture.

Which does suck, but I didn't get as bad of meltdown over it than last time ai was declined because I had wrong signatures from wrong people - situation I couldn't help. I guess it is easier to accept that I am a screwup rather than everything is just screwed around me.

A little bit late notice tho. Sensei kinda forgot he has things to do and Japanese sensei's seminar coming so he was scrambling for someone to cover the class.

On my own training I have improvwd in kunite, can throw somewhat decent ushirouramawashigeri and a fairly mean kizami/tobikomizuki. Difficulties in kata, however. There's few throws I do exceptionally well and then others where I am worse than awerage. I am hoping for permission to compete, though I would have lose weight and pause medication.

Mahanmi nekoashi (long/wide cat stance) is difficult for most people, but I have no difficulties in mobility or strech like most people. If I have to move in the stance I can't snap my knee into a position and I don't get which muscle ia underperforming that way.

On the other hand, I've moved forward in kumite... better timing, clean scores, good postures. Right now I try work on flexible movement and rhytm and that's difficult... I have more weight right now, and it does matter when you try be very light on your feet.

Spend the weekend at karate competition at Vääksy. Had a relatively good time mentally. Was definitely in somewhatbof a overdrive on Sunday. Was a bit too bothersome for my karate buddy. I for example spend time sniffing him, and I know men don't really find that stuff funny if they're not i to you. But he let is slide, which is very kind of him.

I got my summer vacation conveniently on the week there's a 4 day karate camp, so that's gonna be so fun! Can't wait, I haven't done anything particularly interesting during vacations for years. And this is like, a social event too! Yey.