jjb's Hive

So that way I am happy. I got some feedback on how my art is ibteresting vroadly speaking, but since the social media engagement is minimal it's a bit of a wasted potential.

And I do sonewhat see that, on Instagram for example, I don't really tag anything, I don"/ give tittles, most of the inner explanation is heavylifted by the choice of a song I put on the background and other media doesn't even that. I don't really talk about the materials either. I do talk about the pricess a little bit in my stories, but in Finnish and it's kinda unrelated rambling. I get that more cohesive approach would probably work for engagement. And who wouldn't want likes and comments, I sure do I wouldn't post anything if I didn't care.

But I guess I find the performance tedious. I follow so many artists on different field in real life, and their social media is just so much more dull they are as people. On Youtube I find somwecrafters and artist interesting if they really do whatever bullshit they like. Like that one person who collocts certain color crayons and styff. But even that's kinda suited for audience, there is a hook and a theme. Easy to get incested. I don't think I am that sort of person, really. Even in fandoms I usually speak to myself and myself only.

I do kinda wish I had some sort of artist circle to to get that creative spark you get from other people. I do often feel like even though I post publically, it's still talking to myself, sort of. Bit like, trying to grow an audience or following feels forced. Neurotic number watching. I am genuinely happier now that don't very much try to reach anybody.

I'd say it was spectacular in a way that spectacles are: fantastic music sequences stringed together, even if nobody can replicate exactly Jackson's artistry it was such a visual pleasure how much effort went to dancing and costumes and set pieces.

I wouldn't have personally enjoyed any kind of deep dive into violence and drugs and mental illness and disturbing behavior, and in that way I respect that the movie really picked it's lane and stayed on it. It was almost Hallmark-level of easy, feelgood. Dialogue was very naiive, most of it was fairly shallow - Jafaar Jackson did a good performance on Michael without being an easy caricature.

But was a good movie? I don't know, it sure wasn't realistic, real or honest. Compared to Rocketman, which is alao a movie that took a lot of liberties on hard facts about Elton John and also ended somewhere in the "middle", Ibthink Rocketman still was a movie about a real humanbeing. Michael was like, pleasant and uplifting and really made you smile: is that something you want from this person in particular? Do you want to see pleasant and easy movies of people who are not easy?

Therapy is in summer recess and I have some homework to do... I must admit that after all the applications and doctors and failures right now I have situation where I am going backwards. I mean, I have significantly improved depression/self-harm/anxiery side of my problems, but the neuropsychological side...

I mean, I guess I am finding it very difficult to accept that there is not gonna be a day when I am "healthy" or "cures". Autism is more of a persobality trait that so called "problem", but it does cause problems and it will cause problems in the future. And it does honestly disappoint me that the social difficulties I had in June for example, things that really were embarrassing and near relationship ending, are just something will keep having issues with the rest of my life.

And that's such a bummer, you know. I do benefit from therapy and medication, and my therapist says that it won't be forever as hard as it has been, because I am working on my socual skills. But the fact that it just won't be fixed makes me sometimes wanna quit all together. What the point of going toward friendships and relarionships and whatnot, of every single one is gonna end in ridiculous misunderstanding and meltdowns like singlurity around black holes?

I don't remeber when or why, but I have sometime in the past.

If you have ideas what should I paint in this size sure do drop me some ideas.

Teaching sensei had a theme for all the classes. Nagasu (flow), Inasu (to empty, parry) and Noru (get on, hop on). I feel like the basics on Noru will help me with some very difficult techniques involving wrist locks and throws. It's basically like "hopping onto a bus", I move when you move and when you move I use your movement to do my technique.

I don't know if it's possible to do at my home dojo that way, but first time ever in wrist lock throws I felt confident that I have control and I know how to make it aslo safe and smooth.

But there was some very series set backs when it comes to social interaction. In a way, I am so proud of myself, that I had the courage and inniative to lodge in cottage with my karate friends. Unfortunately, I probably wasn't the only one who had some type of neuroatypical needs... and the communication on this subject went so criss-cross that hurt everyone involved. I am so disappointed at myself. I had hoped so much that all the therapy and medication, all the work that I have done, would have been enough to do social things that I really crave and enjoy. And then I wasn't ready, and I broke more things I could afford. In a symbolic way I mean, I guess my friends are lenient and will forgive me over time. But it wasn't how I wanted it to be.