I regret to inform you that, as of close of business today, we will no longer be accepting applications for travel visas to Hell. Weâre flattered that youâve chosen to vacation here on the recommendation of your friends and associates, but due to a recent spike in interest we will be closing submissions so as to work through the overflow.
In the meantime, we would like to suggest you visit one of our two year-round locations: New Jersey and that place at the zoo where they keep all the birds. Our summer-only location, an Urban Outfitters dressing room, will also be opening on the 23rd of July.
All of our satellite destinations are up to the highest of Hell standards, each complete with:
Movie theaters (Now showing: the last season of Scrubs, on repeat forever)
Zumba!
On-the-hour public flayings
At least three restaurants, all of which serve nothing but mushrooms
Complimentary reminders that your iPhoneâs storage is almost full (You can manage your storage in in Settings)
At least 10 people you went to high school withHereâs a recent review of our Bird Hell location from a satisfied customer:
âItâs like, just not as good as Brooklyn. Thereâs just such a down-to-earth feel there, when you get past all the posers who are just there thanks to mommy and daddyâs wallets. I mean, my parents are technically still supporting me, but I donât need them right now, things are just a little tight while I work on my screenplay.â
If you would like to be placed on a waiting list for when we reopen the borders, please fill out the following form. We will be awarding spots on the waitlist in a completely arbitrary manner because, come on, this is literally Hell and what else did you expect?
Name:
Current address:
Reason for Visit (circle all that apply):
Said the phrase ânot all menâ out loud
Posted your running stats on more than 0 social media sites
Literally killed a guy
Medical tourism
Attempted to play the role of âDevilâs Advocateâ*
I am Donald Trump
My mom said travel would look good on my rĂŠsumĂŠAgain, we thank you for your interest in traveling to Hell and wish you the worst of luck on your vacations elsewhere. May you always be stuck next to someone eating a very fragrant dinner on your 12-hour flights!
Regards,
Hades
*Note: we are not now, nor will ever be, accepting applications for the position of Devilâs Advocate. Also, you are a bad person and should be ashamed.
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To Whom It May Concern:  Based on your interest in âHardworking  Associates Willing To Work For  Ridiculously Low Salaries,â weâd like to  recommend Bradley Gerst for a position at your  company.
We know him better than anyone else in his life, and so can give the strongest possible recommendation for any venture he may undertake.
Mr. Gerst has been an asset to our development  over the past five years, logging over 4,500 total  hours on Netflix. We have grown to know him  and his tastes and truly feel that our relationship  goes far beyond a professional one. When we  initiated our live-streaming operations, he was  one of our first backers, giving a full measure of  support that has never wavered. Mr. Gerst has  also helped tremendously with our expansion  into international markets, by watching Love,  Actually with his Canadian girlfriend from her  home in Toronto and then watching it four times  in a row again after their breakup.
Over the years, Mr. Gerst has matured  considerably. When his power went out, he  watched seasons 1-3 of Archer online in a 34-hour span using his phoneâs data plan instead of  simply panicking because his WiFi was down,  proving himself to be extremely resourceful. He  is more of a âCritically Acclaimed Short Filmsâ  man now; far removed from the âRaunchy  Comedyâ lover he was when we first began  working together. Yet, although his tastes have  matured, he is still eager to learn, studying the  female body often through such films as Slumber  Party Pillow Fight and MILFS XXX.
Based on his interest in The Office  and Parks and Recreation, I can recommend  him strongly for a âWitty Workplace Sitcomâ  probably very similar to that of your company. As  demonstrated by his frequent adding of National  Geographic documentaries to his Instant Queue,  which we are sure he will get around to watching  any day now, Bradley Gerst is an intellectually  curious man, one who will find your teamâs  atmosphere to be mutually beneficial.
We hope you find Bradley to be  extremely qualified to become a Sandwich  Artist on your local Subway team, and that  this recommendation has served to support a  hopefully already favorable view provided by his  application. If you have any further questions,  please do not hesitate to contact us by phone at  1-800-NETFLIX.
What T-Pain and the Lonely Island Got Right/Wrong About Being on a Boat
<<originally posted here>>
We all know and love the song âIâm on a Boatâ by The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain. But is it accurate? Iâm here to help you understand the subtle differences between the classic SNL jam and my real experiences as a hostage on a pirate ship. I hope you enjoy my take on the song, and please send help, by the way.
WHAT THEY SAID: âIâm on a boat, motherfucker, donât you ever forget!â
TRUE OR FALSE: Please, god, stop referring to me as âthat guy who got kidnapped by Somali pirates. Please forget. I have a name, itâs Darryl, and thereâs more to me than just having gotten kidnapped by Somali pirates.
VERDICT: False.
WHAT THEY SAID: âBut this ainât Sea World/this as real as it getsâ
TRUE OR FALSE: This line is pretty deep, and Iâm conflicted about my answer here. For one, being trapped on a boat below deck for days at a time and only being fed at my captorsâ convenience sure makes me feel like Shamu. So this is Sea World, in a way. However, this is also hopefully as real as it gets for me. I just want to go home and see my lovely wife and children. Please help me.
VERDICT: LILâ BIT OF BOTH
WHAT THEY SAID: âIâm on a boat and/itâs going fast and/I got a nautical-themed pashmina afghanâ
TRUE OR FALSE: Itâs so dark down here. Help me. I canât even see colors. My clothes have worn down to shreds and theyâre covered in waste.
VERDICT: True, if youâre feeling literal about ânautical-themedâ
WHAT THEY SAID: âIâm the king of the world/on a boat like Leoâ
TRUE OR FALSE: Iâm definitely going to die here. Kate Winslet could leave me to an icy fate due to poor spatial reasoning and I wouldnât care. I havenât seen a woman in five months. When will the cold comfort of death come to me?
VERDICT: True if weâre talking about movie Leo, false if weâre talking about Leo on one of his many dope yachts.
WHAT THEY SAID: âGonna fly this boat to the moon somehow/Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possibleâ
TRUE OR FALSE: Okay, so I will admit that I really did not expect that I would be held captive on a pirate ship. Maybe anything really is possible? I would really not like to be on the moon, though. People would say âDarryl, why did you learn how to fly a ship and then take it to the moon where you would certainly die?â And I would say nothing, because I would have lost consciousness within fifteen seconds of encountering the vacuum of space and died within a minute and a half from depressurization.
VERDICT: Hopefully false, but to be fair that would be pretty cool up until I died 90 seconds later.
WHAT THEY SAID: âI never thought Iâd be on a boat/itâs a big blue watery road/Poseidon, look at meâ
TRUE OR FALSE: This one is tricky. I did think Iâd be on a boat at some point, but never like this. And I certainly do want anyone to see me, especially a God of the sea. Certainly the God I believed in has forsaken me, so maybe itâs time for good olâ Darryl to take his faith to a new ancient belief system. Praise be to Poseidon! May he have mercy on my soul.
