I Might Like My Best Friend

I wish things would be back to normal again. I wish that it’d be last year and the only worries we ever had in the world was about stupid fucking hw and dumb period cramps. I wish that you cling to me like your life depended on it again - while still have the exact opposite agenda. I wish that we were cuddling all around the school again, watching our friends do stupid shit and laughing at each others shit jokes. I wish we didn’t give a fuck.

I hate how the littlest things with you affect me so hard. You being slightly concerned, even if for your own profit, makes my heart pound. Everytime you use those stupid emotes it honestly makes me want to just,,, vomit all my love into one big sack of shit.

my heart is for you. You’re so straight it’s obnoxious, but I guess it weighs out my gayness? Idk man

I’m too young to be in love. I’m not in love. This isn’t love.

I could never be in love with someone like you, someone so precisely out of my league. You’re just there, you’re just playing with my heart, you’re just using me as a one way personal therapist - because, I’m your words, “you moved away so there’s no one for you to tell.”.

Why are you even here if you hate me as much as you fuckinh say you do? Why did you tell me that you’d fucking die without me if it wasn’t FUCKING TRUE?

I’m so sad

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow

You called me fat and ugly today.

That hit me really hard.

I reconnected with a friend you told me to stay away from. I missed them I think

I don’t know what emotions I’m feeling anymore. I always feel so fucking numb. I think I’m spiralling further. Im probably going to get medication soon but I’m not sure.

Blinded and stupid. That’s what I am. I still love you. I want to say sorry for asking and tell you to forget it.

Apart of me feels like i deserve this, I should’ve seen it coming type of thing. She always told me about how much she hated me, how ugly and fat I was, how being lgbt was sorta weird, how you like my sisters more, how shit at x/y/z I was, how much you didn’t like anything I fucking did. You always doubted me

She told me she liked my sister more than me.

She told me that she wouldn’t tell me why.

I’m so fucking stupid, I’m so fuckinh stupid, I’m so fucking stupid.

I knew she’d never like me but why did I have to fucking ask. Why did I have to ask. Why why why

We saw eachother yesterday, we had a good fucking time, or at least I thought we did.

Gonna nap

Maybe forever I’m not sure yet

Wake me up

Please

My hair doesn’t look right

My face is ugly.

My laugh is weird

My stomached too fat

My arms are too fat

My legs are too fat

My skin isn’t clear

My wardrobe is so fucking ugly

I’m ugly

You’re not

I’ll never be cute enough for you to consider

Like how you’ve considered others

You, make my heart swell.

We call everyday, talk about shit that means nothing, complete daily chores, do what we need, cry when we want, laugh when we can, I’d do anything for it to last.

We call from four to ten pm, always, it’s just our thing, something w e do. Sometimes my sister will join but it’s okay, as long as I hear you laughing, it’s okay.

You always laugh at my shitty jokes, the random music I play, my desperate attempts to make you believe I’m straight - and those attempts always ending up with me falling for some random e girl; just for you to call me gay.

You’re so amazing,

I love your voice

I love how you gently make fun of me

I love how we dream about a bigger life

I love how we’ll talk about anything just because

I love how we call everyday

I love how you sound

I miss how you look

I miss how you feel

We’re going to meet up soon, but is soon soon enough? I’m not sure.

I guess as long as I can see you I’ll be happy for a short while.

Then it’ll come back, the realisation that you’ll never love me, the realisation that you’re straight, the realisation that I’m too ugly for you anyway. I don’t know

All I know is that I love your laugh, your smile, your eyes, your voice, everything about you. It’s mesmerising.

I feel so shitty, I’m on a call with you right now. We’re talking and laughing planning to meet all this shit - and of fucking course I’m crying, I’m not sad, there’s no reason.

I just am.

I’m embarrassed now, I cried and you heard. You heard me sniffling, you didn’t bring it up and laughed it off when I apologised.

I feel somewhat infatuated with her? Not in a creepy way I swear lmao,,, like, we call and text everyday because yk, we’re FRIENDS n shit

Maybe she’d love me if I wasn’t such a fucking fatass, maybe she’d like me more. Maybe my best fuckinh friend would want me around to cuddle and love her. Maybe the girl I talk to and fall in love with even more every single fucking day

I know she’ll never find this place, so that’s a mY splice I guess. - I think I like my best friend, who is a girl, and I’m a girl, we’re both girls. I also think she’s sort of homophobic and I know that she’d never love me.