Locked In Briarcliff

No, I don't want attention. I don't want help. I don't want to be told it's OK. Because it's not. I just wanted to write it out and look at it.

I've been a terrible human. And I've tried so fucking hard to change. Because I saw a life worth that, and people worth that.

And... I thought I had a grip on things... I was fighting. I saw some things in my life that shaped me in the ways I was shaped... And I fought even harder to overcome it.

I thought I'd made a break through. I thought I had friends. Not many. But a very small few I could absolutely trust. And I did everything to be the best friend I possibly could. And I'd fail sometimes and mess everything up, but I've learned to admit when I'm wrong and apologize and... I'd give them the world.

And I see now... That I was a convenience. I always have been. I don't think I've ever had a sincere friend. I think I've always just been a convenient fill in, a last resort. I've never been included in friend plans... Never been a best friend to anyone... Never more than a joke.

I thought by being supportive and offering people my best and the world meant I could get a little human decency back. That when I needed to fall down and be vulnerable... When I needed support... That I could get it.

It's taken my whole life to set that kind of standard for myself because of my experiences growing up, and how I've been treated by my biological and adopted family.

I've called off helping people that can't prove that they are there for me, which is a surprising number on both sides... Or maybe it's not actually surprising.

And I'm sitting here in bed thinking... Damn, life really can't be fucking worth this bullshit. I feel so isolated... And I reflect on my dreams, goals, and wants... And all I can see is how absolutely out of reach they are. And that tops off the out full of despair.

I'm alone.

Everything I want, I cannot achieve.

My dreams are futile.

I'm lost.

And I'm out of reasons not to end it.

I'll probably pussy out. I always fucking do. Something always go wrong. But right now... It is fully my intention to not be around this time tomorrow.