Inebriated Demon

Do texans give their kids rattle snake rattles instead of baby rattles?

My wife asking me to “Pass the boof” was not on my list of things to hear at 7AM. I married the right person

A fake ID is useless if you’re 3 Raccoons in a trench coat plotting to steal a quesadilla.

I hate eating gummy sharks. You eat like 2 and it looks like you’ve been making out with papa smurf.

Clarified Butter is still Butter, even if it doesnt have the milk fats. Im talkin to you, you know who you are. Quit denying the truth about butter, you cannot deny butter.

Nothing in the world will prepare you for the carnal and ancient panic that erupts when your dog starts making that vomiting noise. You dont question you fucken BOOK IT

I said I had a pink monster to my co worker, the look I got went from fear to intrigued. Then to disappointment because I showed them the drink.

Does an uncrustable have a pseudo crust because you had to press the bread down? Like I understand that you have removed the crust, but you made a second one. You know what I mean?

You think the hat man is hiring? Ive got a box of benadryl and a resume.

Wish I could drop an elbow on a dude like your lab partner drops the ball on a project.

You think amputees can take off their prosthetic limbs instead of clothes in strip poker?