To inspire & be inspired ∞

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.

But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

The more women in senior roles I meet, the more their stories are the same. This week I had cause to unpack some of the mental presets we may not even know drive us.

The Imposter

I suggested to a rising star that she should try for the top job. She blanched, smiled in embarrassment and waved her hands in a quick “no”. “Let me get over my Imposter syndrome” she said. I’ve met very few women who don’t feel they’re “not good enough”.

Well girls, let me tell you something men have always known. There’s no such thing as “good enough”. It’s not a pole vault you either clear or don’t. There may be people better than you but more likely the other guy has some qualities you don’t and you’re better at other stuff than they. Whatever the case, all you have to do is be the best version of yourself. You may not win the race of life, but the journey will teach and hone you. Not trying - unless it’s a position you don’t want - well, there’s just no excuse for that.

The Outcast

I have struggled with rejection my whole life. Too loud. Too bossy. Too assertive. Now in my later years, add Too Opinionated, Too Judgy, Too Scary.

All true. But what I realised recently is that this isn’t the sum total of a person.

They can also be mentoring, empathetic, inspiring.

The problem is when women have these labels slapped on us from young, we are subliminally told that these are bad traits and that we are thus “not good enough”. This can define your whole life by forcing you to continually try to outrun the labels. So you chase acceptance, validation, popularity.

In my 30 years of working, I’ve come to prefer bosses I can admire and respect, whether or not they’re likeable. That means being clear and consistent and communicating values and standards properly. Not just paying for a round of drinks or by letting mistakes go.

I also appreciate leaders who set high bars for me, because it means they think I have a shot at achieving them.

So being a well liked co-worker isn’t going to gain you acceptance as a leader. For some popular women who get promoted and suddenly shunned by colleagues, this can be a rude shock.

The Outsider

A clever, accomplished woman I know who happens to be a really good person grew up poor. She’s never really felt she fit in so when there is friction at work, no matter how insignificant or imagined, she pulls away.

I would say: lean into the frictions, the discomfort, the embarrassing situations. Don’t be afraid to ask what you did wrong, could do better. Take responsibility if needed. You may well find that it was all happening in your head. But if not, the people you had issues with have seen grace and humility in action.

Women, we have so much more in us than we let ourselves believe. We just need to stop trying to live up to some imagined standard and be as kick ass as we can in our circumstances.

I hope this resonated with someone."

Have grit, hang on to the very end, and always do it with good attitude.

初四

13 Feb 2024