Enjoying life :3

Hiroshi Nagai's paintings need sunglasses to look at.

They look like how it feels to walk across a parking lot on a 98° summer day without a speck of shade in sight.

They look like heaven but also like you'd burn your bare feet on the ground.

Even when you can see shade you know it's not enough and the minute you step out you'll be burnt to a crisp like a vampire.

This feels like I could trip on that radio and fall right into that water, feeling the crystal waves as I drop in.

And this, a nice stroll down a resort strip, where my sunscreened skin could literally feel cooked if I leaned too close to the tiling.

And then a nice stretch of summer street, wherein you could see your face in the flushed red of that car provided it didn't blind you from its sunny reflections.

Why do these people that get to freely get off to the torture and violence towards trans women get to live comfortably? Why do the bigots get to be happy while I can't afford to have food in my fridge?

If you can, please donate money so I can continue to have food and a roof.

Back when I was 14-15 and hadn’t even realized I was queer, much less a trans woman, I was desperate for any sort of relationship, validation, physical contact, anything. This desperation attracted a woman two or three years older than me (which isn’t bad in a vacuum, but it Did place her in legal age while I was not) who used me to combat the fact that she was in and out of relationships and very suicidal.

I didn’t realize the weight of it at the time but she really really liked the constant scared and unsure look in my eyes, went into detail about how cute it was that I would just let her do whatever to me. Because I didn’t recognize myself as not consenting. I just wanted sexual touch (or any touch at all) too badly to say no, even when I was actively telling her I wasn’t sure.

I just keep thinking about that. She saw the fear and anxiety and everything of a poor girl unable to realize herself and preyed on it instead of helping me out of my shell, actively groomed me in very public situations where most of my friends were Supportive! Cuz I was known as the failure boy who got no bitches and I was finally “getting some”! And encouraged all my worst impulses until my hypersexuality grew out of control and after we broke up after just a few months of abuse, the rest of my relationships suffered too.

Once I hit about 19, I got into a poly relationship with who would later become my beloved (yay) and…the girl that was abusing her. My beloved was the one to actually give me the room to experiment with my gender enough to find out I was a woman. I’m always thankful for that. Meanwhile our abuser instead pressured me into being her dommy mommy girlfriend and the cycle of being expected to be the dominant trans girl began. I was made to endure criticism after uncomfortable situation and I wasn’t happy with my sexual life at all. She even threatened to off herself if we didn’t do what she wanted.

Later on we’d get into a relationship with a girl I used to date and she turned out to not only be a transmisogynistic “gold star” lesbian but also a Huge Chaser obsessed with the fact that she could have a girl who had a dick. She also refused to engage in most of my kinks if she wasn’t also into them—this wouldn’t have been a problem if she didn’t demonize engaging with them at all. Additionally, my beloved was constantly pushed to the side and I was both put on a pedestal and a chained leash for fear of me speaking out for myself. I did not fully consent to a single sexual interaction after I realized she was being abused. In fact, this person actively refused to let my beloved and I have sex one on one without her absolute permission or she’d become suicidal. Yet another notch in the pattern. Yet another person I’d have to take expert care of or I’d feel like I was failing the people I care about.

Finally, my last relationship with someone other than my beloved was a non-official third who was our mutual best friend. They were our rock for the longest time but turned out to hold a lot of biases against, you guessed it, trans women. My beloved was the one put on the pedestal this time, and I was treated as if I was a mangy undesirable dog. Funnily enough they were more of a cat person and genuinely scared of dogs. Less funny was that I was a known puppygirl.

This one somehow tried to outdo my last horrific relationships in every other way too: sexism, fear of me having a dick, fear of me getting them pregnant (I’d never even touched them sexually), and last but not least, allegations of rape or rapist thoughts. They actually leveraged their friendship with my beloved to successfully witch hunt me and even made her question if I was abusing them behind closed doors for a moment. Once I showed receipts she knew who to trust of course, but…the fact that they were this hellbent on ripping my life apart just because I wasn’t their ideal type of girl scarred me in ways I don’t think I’ll ever have the words for.

Sorry for the long-winded submission. I’ve just. Been through so much and it means a lot to me that I can have my voice again without the threat of losing everyone again. Thank you.

💖

- themes are always behind the OC. It stands behind the character. You come out with one when something bothering you. The problem is in writing without understanding the theme.

- sometimes you can sit and come to The Theme and then start thinking about OC. But for creative people these themes come to live in scenes and OC in these scenes. Again, yes, to write something you need to figure it out but it is just not how it starts.

- sometimes making OC is much easier than plot the story. sometimes great lore and plot are struggling with the dullest OCs. People are different, it’s okay. All creative people make mistakes and have difficulties with their stories

To sum up

If all you do is make characters while ignoring every other aspect of fiction writing, your stories are going to be dogshit. That's the post!

If you don't want to get better at writing, then this post isn't about you.

Of course you find making OCs easier than writing actual stories, that's what happens when you refuse to challenge yourself. Just don't expect everyone else to pretend your half-baked writing deserves praise when you keep publishing that shit everywhere.

If you want to keep puking out the same tired Wattpad stories that have been flooding bookstores everywhere, be my guest.

Just don't get mad when people call your writing shit.

IF YOU'RE NOT USING YOUR OCs IN FICTION, THEN THIS POST ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

Let’s say someone just isn’t a very skilled writer, and genuinely wants to improve. I don’t think they’ll take kindly to critique that also calls their earnest attempts “dogshit.” Isn’t the attempt enough? Isn’t it enough that they’re expressing their individuality? Like yes, we should strive for greatness (which is also very subjective) but nothing is perfect, and if everything was, the world would be quite boring wouldn’t it?