Fragments of Me.

I forgot to introduce myself this long.

Name: Ishkav (fake, obviously 🙂)

Hobbies: introspection, programming, cryptography.

Personality: INTJ 5w6

Currently: Student

Everything would change in next couple of months.

Rank low.

I don't think I am getting anything.

Weather it would be any private college.

A brach i don't want.

I keep telling my mother to learn to use her own bank account, learn to type and use phone, practice reading because she is now forgetting to read.

But she ignored, made me the villain by assuming that I am trying to blame her for being uneducated.

Maybe because she will never need to use phone as she only watch reels, maybe she never needs to use to learn bank because she thinks that she should depend on her husband regarding this to be a perfect wife, maybe she would never need to read because she loves watching movies.

She keeps telling me to learn how to clean house properly, cooks soo many traditional food which takes hours to be prepared, learn to sew, learn to obey elders blindly because I may need their help , etc.

And i never listen to her, because I don't need to clean house that way as I don't have OCD like hers, I have a very sensitive gut and a genuine aversion from traditional taste so I am never going to cook them. I mean seriously , my diet have been reduced to half, I vomit everyday, I just can't handle those. But my voice is not heard just because I don't have allergy.

Because according to them, I would behave after that.

The whole day, I either sleep or keep checking cutoffs of different colleges.

Actually there are a lot of colleges but I cannot afford any except 2 of them. And both of them are in high demand.

My father in anger announced that my studies are not going to profit him anything so he doesn't care. And now I am 100% that he is not going to form his income certificate which could give me a lot of goverment scholarships.

At this point, I am ready to take any branch and study for next attempt of exam. I know that I would need to start my college again the next year but atleast it won't be wasted at all and I would still study 2 semesters of soemthi which is informative but not what I want.

I don't know what to do. The only thing that is keeping me calm at their moment is the thought of restarting my college the next year by given entrance exam one more time. I know that it's called a 'drop year' but if I stay at home I will never be able to live.

Everything was going fine until the last exam. I had high expectations from that and when I panicked with time slipping, I went out of control. I ticked many answers without much solving, and almost all went wrong.

Exams are hard for everything, I understabd that. But the problem arises when I did easiest of the questions wrong.

I lost my mind , I don't know what was there that I forgot to solve easier ones before . And even when I had very less time left, I tried to solve everything.

Sometimes, it felt like I was hallucinating, i know I was a specific word in the question. But after exam, the printed workde somehow changed.

Someone told me that life doesn't ends. But their would tell me the same even if I loose my both hands and legs.

I dotn know what could be done.